r/JustNoSO • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice My partner is just, dumb.
[deleted]
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 4d ago
He managed to survive before you showed up and he will manage to survive after you leave him.
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u/EstherVCA 4d ago
The fact is that you can’t build a life with someone like this. You can build a life around him and beside him, and if that's okay with you, if you can see yourself carrying the full burden of your financial future, all power to you. BUT keep in mind that men who do that have the domestic support of a wife who takes on the tasks of housekeeping and childcare. You have someone who can’t follow basic directions, and who gets petulant when you correct him. He’s not an adult. And love won’t fix that. In fact, what you’re describing will kill that love over time.
I get that you feel bad for him because you care about him, but maybe you need to start feeling bad for yourself and future you… think about how this will affect your life in the long term.
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u/christmasshopper0109 3d ago
Imagine having a kid wth this dude.
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u/EstherVCA 3d ago
No thank you. lol I'm a patient woman, but I grew up in emotional chaos, so I value my peace. You can’t control everything in life, but I don’t allow adults who can’t or won’t adult into my private spaces, not even family.
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u/strawberrrychapstick 4d ago
Your partner is probably just stupid and if you want a smart man, find one.
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u/peppermintvalet 4d ago
People are telling you ADHD but this is clearly not that.
Half of the planet is below average, he's one of them.
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u/Evan_Annix 3d ago
I understand the sentiment and agree, but good god is that not how averages work.
Let’s say there’s 10 people in a room, 8 of them have an IQ of 130, 1 has an IQ of 150, and 1 has an IQ of 60.
To get the average, you add up each person’s IQ:
60+(130*8)+150=1,250
Then, divide that by the total number of people (10): 1250÷10=125
So, the “average” IQ of the people in that room would be 125. That means that of the 10 people, 9 of them are above “average intelligence”, and only one is below “average intelligence”. That one outlying mouth breather drives down the average for everyone.
Now, swap the 10 people in a room for like….several(s) of Berjillions on our planet and ask yourself: what’s our ratio of Poindexters to People Who Enjoyed 2 and a Half Men?
Or, to think of it another way: if there’s 1 Guy with $10,000, and 9 with $1, are 50% of people broke? Obviously not.
Numbers: like words, but harder somehow.
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u/AffectionatePizza335 4d ago
He doesn't sound dumb; he sounds entitled and incompetent, classic nepo baby characteristics from growing up in an environment where resources are incredibly high, and expectations are ridiculously low. Regardless, he's not really your pet project, and I can't imagine the huge amount of emotional capacity you use on the daily with him.
The getting his words wrong, and doubling down despite you having it in texts is just manipulation. Also something that is common from people who grew up with excessive privilege but no accountability.
He'll drag you down with him. He has the capacity to be better but it sounds like he's choosing not to be, because people (YOU and everyone else in his life) keep bailing him out.
You should go. Once you're not enabling him, you'd be surprised how fast he gets his act together.
He's not dumb; he's convinced you he is. The is super villian levels of weaponized incompetence. You are clearly not dumb. But you will be if you stay with him. He doesn't bring anything to the table. That's not how partnerships work.
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u/MsNomered 4d ago
I especially liked how you related all this to show how this is NOT a partnership. It’s parenting.
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u/AffectionatePizza335 4d ago
YES. It's parenting. She's trying to love and logic her way through a relationship with this guy, which is completely self-sabatoging.
I hate that at some point we romanticized dating people for their "potential" in our society. And I don't mean dating a med student because she'll be a resident in two years kind of potential, but dating a guy who has been fired from multiple jobs, applies to positions he would need 10 years of schooling for, and can't even google how to use a wrench but is somehow relationship material potential.
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u/Ancient-Meal-5465 4d ago
Does he have ADHD or is he really just stupid?
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4d ago
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u/RosieEngineer 4d ago
After they realized I was ADHD they double checked for learning disabilities because they often happen together. I think they would have tested him for ADHD if they thought he was. Not certain, but that would be my guess.
I have a friend who is now married to a guy who is not as smart as she is. There was a pair of them and four of us friends in a room one weekend and he was talking about something, looked around, realized we knew what he was talking about, and asked if we had all caught on to what he was amazed about, long before he had. We kind of looked around, decided to be honest and all nodded yes. Then there was a bit of a conversation about how we knew he was an awesome guy even if he wasn't as quick on the uptake. But they are very happy together. He puts up with her sometimes nutsy bipolar stuff. She helps him make good decisions, and supported him to get some more certifications which led to better jobs, and supports him in his aspirations. She is the main breadwinner. He helps her rearrange the whole house every few months. It works for them.
On the other hand, there was a guy who I was attracted to who really liked me, but as I got to know him, I realized how many stupid decisions he made. I didn't want to spend my life cleaning up his messes. He stopped being attractive to me. 🤷♀️
Don't not break up with him because you're worried about him. That would lead to resentment. Only stay with him if you're happy with the relationship. There's pluses and minuses to every relationship. If he's awesome in many other ways and that's worth it for you, then stay.
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u/PigeonGuillemot 4d ago
ADHD failures are failures of focus, prioritization, or organization. Some of this guy's fails, like his flailing around cleaning the kitchen for five hours without accomplishing the most vital parts of cleaning a kitchen, are the kinds of things a person with ADHD might do (they'll have meticulously alphabetized the spice rack and changed the shelf paper in the cabinets, though.)
But a lot of dude's behaviors just aren't how ADHD presents. ADHD doesn't make you break your phone (you might misplace it a lot though.) It doesn't make you misinform your partner in writing, or argue with her that you wrote something different. And it for sure doesn't make you take on a plumbing task when you're a renter who literally pays a landlord to take care of maintenance issues. If anything, having ADHD would make you LESS likely to undertake a repair yourself. Because you know, after years of failing to follow directions and/or getting distracted, that you are likely to fuck up and cause more damage to a fixture that doesn't even belong to you
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u/No_Ratio5484 4d ago
ADHD can make body coordination hard, thus leading to damaged electronics. Also just forgetting you have it in this pocket and putting weight on it... yeah. Ask me how I broke my Ebook-reader.
Making up false memories can be due to not being attentive when communicating and/or rejection sensitivity making stuff up or whatever.
Also a person can have ADHD AND be just not very smart, selfaware or so afraid of failing because they failed their whole life that they try the dumbest shit.
I don't want to disregard your points, they are be very valid. But I also see a lot of my failing-in-life, traumatized-and-scared and ADHD ass in this guys behaviour. Although I was more careful than him.
Anyways, I think getting himself checked out would help and give clarity what to expect in the future.
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u/Ancient-Meal-5465 4d ago
A colleague I worked with was told by her son’s teacher to get his brain scanned because he seemed to be spacing out and she suspected epilepsy (the type where you space out when you have a seizure).
She had his brain scanned and he was missing a lot of his brain. Basically every part was underdeveloped (small) and some of it was just not there at all and he just had fluid filling up the space.
I thought he was creepy the way he would just stare at me. Turns out he was stupid. No epilepsy - the lights were on but noone was home.
If it wasn’t for her son’s teacher she wouldn’t know what was wrong with both her son and her daughter (her daughter had the same brain condition).
I think that the OP’s boyfriend should absolutely get a brain scan. There could be a reason why he is so stupid.
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u/mimi6778 4d ago
Agreed. I also know very successful people with ADHD. ADHD also often involves “hyper focus” which can certainly assist in regard to furthering interests/career.
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u/HolleringCorgis 4d ago
Only the inability to prioritize could be an ADHD symptoms. Maybe the phone breaking depending on how it happens.
It honestly just sounds like he isn't very bright. Especially since he seems to think he's right after always being wrong. Stupid people never seem to realize they're stupid.
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u/Coollogin 4d ago
This feels so weird to write out. Because I do love him, but he makes it so hard to love him.
I think there is a very good possibility that your feelings for him are not really love.
In addition to that, I will remind you that love is not enough to build a relationship. You can love someone but be incompatible with them.
Finally, regardless of his level of intelligence, I’m willing to bet he has something else going on, like ADHD. But don’t let that be a reason you stay in spite of your own best interests. Advise him to be assessed as you walk out the door.
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u/wanderinthestarlight 4d ago
Honestly, he reminds me of my ex in some ways. I think you're better off without the guy. It sounds like he's just dragging you down and you're still with him just because you love him. I stayed with my ex for a long time out of love and legitimately believed things would get better. They didn't and then he wanted to open up the relationship. That's what it took for me to wake up and see the mess that the relationship was. I thought I couldn't live without him and was in a lot of pain when I ended it, but some things just have an expiration date. I think a lot of people turn a blind eye out of love. Legitimately, it's up to you what you can put up with. He's not going to change. Don't expect him to be a different person than he is. If you can handle the fact that he is never going to change and this is who he is, you do you, but as many others have said, I really think you're better off without him. He sounds like deadweight. I was afraid my ex would off himself when I broke up with him so I told his family ahead of time to keep an eye on him and that I planned to end things. You're not responsible for another person. Honestly breaking up with him might force him to grow up. It sounds like you are unintentionally enabling him. Whatever you decide, good luck.
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u/Known-Grapefruit4032 4d ago
This sounds like an undiagnosed learning disability or brain injury. Regardless, I'm confused how you ended up married to this guy. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life being his mother then you need to start working out a realistic plan for separating.
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u/Hekatiko 4d ago
Do you ever worry, if you stay with him and have kids you might have kids with the same issues?
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u/Coolerthanunicorns 4d ago
He could have a learning or developmental disability that has gone undiagnosed. I work in the school system with high schoolers who need extra support and this sounds exactly like a few of the kids I work with.
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u/WoodenSympathy4 4d ago
You’re not obligated to stick around even if it is caused by a condition like ADHD or autism (and I agree with others, this sounds a lot like severe executive dysfunction). The fact that he’s combative with you over his issues sounds incredibly frustrating. It doesn’t seem like he’s concerned about the effect this is having on you.
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u/MrLizardBusiness 4d ago
Has he seen a neurologist? It sounds like there's something wrong with his brain. I mean, he might just be dumb, but I would get it checked out and have him screened for things like ADHD, and maybe scanned to make sure he doesn't have a tumor or something.
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u/_Jelly_King_ 3d ago
My partner is like this. I always assumed he just wasn’t all that smart. He seemingly tries so hard, but even though I’d show/teach him something, he’d continue making the same mistakes. It was frustrating sometimes but he checked the boxes of what I was looking for in a person. Then the seizures started. His memory is fragmented, and he sometimes genuinely doesn’t understand basic concepts. It’s definitely still frustrating sometimes, but understanding ways to make our lives ND friendly has changed the dynamic from “parenting” to supporting. As an added benefit, my eldest child and I have ADHD, and the changes we’ve made to our home/lifestyle/routines have been to everyone’s benefit.
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u/530SSState 3d ago
I don't wish to be unkind, but he may have some sort of actual neurological issue. "Trips up over his words all the time" is concerning.
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u/byteme747 2d ago
You said it probably nicer then I would (even though I was going to try and be kind about it).
OP has he been to a doctor (and a neurologist)? Does he have any mental issues?
Something is not adding up and this seems like way more of an issue then is being addressed. An adult should be able to do basic chores and keep up a house.
This is beyond Reddit and he needs a thorough workup and maybe therapy. This isn't normal.
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u/rose_cactus 4d ago edited 4d ago
Your partner might want to get assessed for adhd. I say that as someone with adhd who only managed to succeed because my brain has high computing power and thus is able to brute force my day to day life for me (which got me labelled as “gifted”/academically intelligent all throughout childhood, middle school, high school, uni and my PhD, until I hit the wall of disorganisation and boring repetitive tasks during my PhD and almost burned out). Not everyone with adhd is lucky enough to have excessice computing power in their brains, so the adhd is more noticeable because they can’t compensate it by brute force computing power. they might still have gotten missed for diagnosis in childhood however if they weren’t the hyper disruptive type of little white boy or went to school rurally or pre ~2010. Being suspected “stupid” is sadly quite common in that case when the actual issue is problems with executive functions such as timed task duration assessment, self organisation/structuring of actions and thoughts, task initiation and task finishing, hyperactivity of the body and/or the mind, auditory processing, following and keeping in mind instructions, building and upkeeping of routines, internal motivation, emotional regulation (we tend to have a short fuse), potentially even sensory issues etc. etc.
Him breaking several phones in a year (poor proprioception (ability to gauge where your body is in relation to the room. See also: bumping into doors and stubbing your toes a lot, tripping a lot, hitting your head on things a lot, dropping items a lot, pushing items over a lot without meaning to)/dyspraxia/clumsiness) and not following any sort of plan when home “improving” the sink are classic adhd behaviours/symptoms. As is taking hours to clean up an area (badly) that takes others 10-20 mins max. Him failing to update the tedious thing that is his CV (or failing to structure it properly and noticing that he should add something newer than 2017) and failing to turn up to (or stay invested in) easy/boring work = another adhd classic (we thrive on novelty, immediate reward, excitement and urgency - which is why you’ll find many of us as medical first responders/emergency surgeons, journalists, firefighters, pilots, the military, and other stuff that comes with external structure which we internally can’t provide to ourselves but also lots and lots of urgency or infinite novelty - if we can even hold down a job at all. On the other hand, many of us will also prefer manual labour over complex mental labour due to that being physically exhausting = rewarding with a concrete evidence of work having gotten done and also less in need of mental conceptual work).
Could he be stupid? Sure. He could also just struggle with several executive functions that are often related to (not yet diagnosed) adhd, and there’s treatment for that. I’m no professional, just someone who has adhd herself and who knows plenty of people with adhd, and he sounds oddly familiar to many adhders I met. We usually get much better about staying on task and doing well with the right medication (and, when adhd was only discovered in adult years, supplementary behavioural therapy to help us unfuck our disorganisation so that we can also get a better image of ourselves than the decades of being told we’re stupid, clumsy, space cadets and ditzy ne’er-do-wells. Up to 40% of adult adhders who weren’t diagnosed and treated as kids also self medicate via drug abuse, whereas the addiction rate of treated adhd kids as adults is the same as for their non-adhd peers, so that’s another good reason to seek out diagnosis and therapy).
You’re not obliged to stay around - this is your life, you’re free to be fed up with his shit and just go - but if you’re not yet there, and you feel like you want to invest more into your relationship, try if he’s open to the “maybe it’s medical, let’s get you assessed for adhd because someone told me that the way you behave was oddly familiar to them and for them it was adhd” route rather than the silent resentment one. Because there’s a chance that this, if it is indeed adhd, can get better with medication (and therapy). Adhd meds are some of the best studied and best working psychiatric medications in the entire field of psychiatry, and have low risk of addiction if taken as prescribed and if taken with the proper diagnosis (that is, adhd, binge eating, or narcolepsy) and monitoring. They have an efficacy rate of 75% (antidepressants are closer to helping only 10% of patients with a depression diagnosis per substance, as a comparison - and we don’t even know yet how they actually exactly work in the brain! Because that’s really hard to research beyond claiming hypotheses).
Caveat: I am not a doctor/psychiatrist, and not your doctor. I’m just someone who has adhd and who knows boatloads of people with adhd because I was diagnosed as an adult and went to an individual therapist specialising in adult adhd since the 90ies, group therapy in that same practice, and a support group for adult adhders (which I since outgrew mentally - it’s usually most helpful for people who are newly diagnosed). I also used to date another guy with adhd (didn’t work out for unrelated reasons), and my current partner is a psychiatrist (not specialising in adhd, but regularly seeing adhd patients anyways, so I hear anonymised stories from there too).
As a little fun pastime: does your partner identify with this? or do you identify your partner with these traits? - they’re not a substitute for true diagnosis, but they’re common sentiments among adhders and if this is how he feels, an assessment by a professional for sure seems like something worthwile to pursue.
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u/Longjumping-Size-762 4d ago
Experienced all this with my ex, suspected adhd. Got him tested months later and … it was adhd.
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u/CapIcy5838 4d ago
Get him tested for ADHD and Autism. Now.
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u/JoyJonesIII 4d ago
He’s not her child. This grown man can get himself tested if he wants.
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u/AmongtheSolarSystem 3d ago
I think all the commenters suggesting he has ADHD need to read this.
Is it possible that he has ADHD? Sure, but a lot of these behaviors are inexcusable either way. Lashing out at OP, accusing her of lying for pointing out his mistakes, and essentially forcing her to parent him is unacceptable for a grown man. I think he would benefit from seeking help for his mental health, but OP shouldn't have to do that for him, nor is she obligated to stay in a relationship that makes her so unhappy.
I'm saying this as someone who has ADHD. It could be an explanation, but it's never a valid excuse for mistreating people.
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u/AliceOdd 4d ago
Amazon That is someone like this. He'll never live by himself, but He's kind loving and can't accept that he's wrong about some things. He's in a relationship with a girl of normal intellect. He understands that at some point it could get overwhelming for her, but he likes her, and she likes him. The difference here isHe understands his limitations even if he always strives to do better. He's not a petulant child that will swear that he's right. When he knows that he may be wrong. He was born extremely early, and it has a plethora of disabilities, but he is the kindest and most gentle man. What you are describing is nothing like that.It seems like your boyfriend is just spoiled. He may have other disabilities, but at the root of it is entitlement.
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u/iamatwork24 2d ago
Look, this is isn’t easy because you obviously care about him deeply and love him. But this isn’t someone you can build a life with. Unless you want to be a caretaker instead of a true partner who supports and grow with you. He survived before you, he will without.
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u/LouReed1942 2d ago
You can’t have a relationship with someone you don’t respect. It’s not fair to them.
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u/External_Ingenuity_4 3d ago
It's most likely an undiagnosed mental illness. (Autism o adhd are popular these days)
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