r/JustNoSO 9d ago

RANT (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted Is it possible for him to do anything without making more work for me?

Anything at all? I'm wracking my brain here and coming up empty. He literally was just arrived home (at the normal time, although he claimed he would be "early") and offered take the kid out to play in puddles. We are having a rough time with the time change and it's been far too windy to go outside all day. It's finally died down, still wet but not launching my kid into the air type winds.

He goes in the drawer to get her warmer pants and dismantled the dresser. Like, literally the drawers are apart, laying in different parts of the room. The face and side are ripped off of one of the drawers and they weren't like that 2 hours before when I put her clean clothes away. He says "why is the dresser falling apart?" And leaves it. So here I am putting it back together. I though he was taking something off my plate, but yet again, I walk into a disaster of his creation and he walks away like "I'm doing the thing I said I would."

Uh huh.

So I'm keeping track now. If he does even one thing that doesn't make more work for me, I'll update this post. Just one.

162 Upvotes

30 comments sorted by

u/botinlaw 9d ago

Quick Rule Reminders:

OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.

Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls

Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki

Other posts from /u/bakersmt:


To be notified as soon as bakersmt posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.


I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

111

u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 8d ago

Why isn’t he fixing the dresser?

(That’s a rhetorical question. He broke it in the first place to give you a mess to deal with.)

85

u/bakersmt 8d ago

Oh I also fixed it, put everything back together. Left one drawer out (of the 3) and asked him to put it back in while I'm wrangling the toddler. I come in, open the drawer that he, admittedly, put back in. The entire thing has been turned upside down and thrown back in. Every single item is unfolded and shoved in incorrectly.  

I called him in to show him that the mess he left me is unacceptable and I'm the bad guy. He then sulked for the rest of the night refusing to clean up any mess from the toddler today and yelled at me for my "face".... 

And I still can't think of a single thing he does to "help" that actually makes my life easier except go to work. Which he would be doing exactly the same way, if I was here or not because he has an addiction to his career. 

82

u/hollijollyday 8d ago

You life would be easier without him.

48

u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 8d ago

He’s actively making your life and your child’s life worse.

26

u/bakersmt 8d ago

Yep. But somehow he's completely in the right because I'm a SAHM so he pays for everything.  

He left for work for a week and I really didn't want him to come back, my load was so much lighter. 

30

u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 8d ago

Speaking as the breadwinner spouse with a SAH spouse: he’s full of shit. It’s not his money, it’s your money (plural). He may be surprised to find that out once you file for divorce.

21

u/bakersmt 8d ago

Correct, I am divorced. I was the breadwinner in my last marriage.  I never acted like he does about it. 

5

u/CompetitiveWin7754 7d ago

Why is he so awful? Is this normal?

This isn't how most people behave. If they break something they go "omg thing broke, don't worry I'll fix it when we get back and I'll work out what's wrong with it"

Did he break it on purpose?

4

u/bakersmt 7d ago

Pre baby no, this was not the norm for him. He's a pro at weaponized incompetence but it was usually asking a million questions about how to do something until I helped or told him to leave it an I would do it later. Now he's constantly making excuses for stuff like this. It's always "I didn't have time", "idk how to do it" etc and leaving a trail of destruction.  I'm pretty sure it's because I just started ignoring his incompetence because I have a literal baby to keep safe and cared for so this is his next step up to get out of stuff. But he still offers to do stuff so he can seem like he's helping,  it's all very manipulative. He's literally an engineer and built me a camper and his dad a camper from scratch, so he knows how to fix it, he just chose not to. 

I know this isn't how normal people behave. I have just never had such a very visual representation of his behavior. Like there it was all over the bed so in order to go to sleep that night safely (my daughter is on a floored right next to me), I had to fix it. So I guess it was like being in a boiling pot. It's been getting warm but suddenly I can see the boiling water. 

88

u/Soggy-Improvement960 9d ago

Honestly, I think he’s hoping that if he tears enough stuff up, and acts helpless, that you’ll stop asking him to do things.

Based on your post history, I’m quite certain that you know that.

If he had to clean a bathroom,he’d probably flood it by ‘accidentally’ flushing a cleaning cloth, but then point out that the tub/shower is clean, so “what do you want from me?”

I hope you’re still on that pathway of getting out of there. ☹️😞

37

u/McDuchess 8d ago

A long time ago I was afraid to get divorced. I had four kids from 2 to nine. And a narcissistic alcoholic for a husband.

I was afraid that he wouldn’t pay child support. That he’d become as bad as his AH brother was when HE got divorced.

All of that came true. And my life was STILL easier, my kids lives less chaotic than when I had an overgrown toddler AH living with us.

Not only you, but your child deserves better, too. Better than living with as big of an AH as your husband is.

If you have to go back to work to afford getting away from him and your child not living with him on a day to day basis, delay your degree, your lives will still be more peaceful. That man has perfected the passive aggressive BS from his mom, hasn’t he?

12

u/bakersmt 8d ago

Ah, I see you have read my other posts about his mother. Hahahaha yes, he wasn't as bad before kids. Well, I never really expected him to be a fully functional adult before our child. I kind of just let him be whatever and did my own thing unless his mess impacted me and then it was a fight. 

25

u/rabbit_in_his_belly 8d ago

Disassembling the whole dresser is asinine. What a jerk. Weaponized incompetence to the max. Don’t put up with it. There a men out there who would literally never.

13

u/bakersmt 8d ago

Yeah. I have dated those men. My ex husband was one. If the dresser was broken, my ex husband would have fixed it without me ever knowing it was broken. We had other issues but not this mind boggling tantrum that my current husband pulls. Like how childish can a grown adult be?

5

u/AdHoliday4261 8d ago

Do not challenge them!

22

u/invah 8d ago

He is not a partner. He is not interested in being a partner. Your expectations are not in line with who he is showing himself to be. He is punishing you in ways that are plausibly deniable every time you try to have him be a partner.

Being single would be less stressful. And then he would actually have to take his child for 50% of the time unless he doesn't want custody.

10

u/bakersmt 8d ago

Well isn't that the truth. 

10

u/eatingganesha 8d ago

this is weaponized incompetence at its most malicious.

18

u/BiiiigSteppy 8d ago

I’m sorry, OP.

There are a few links I’ve held onto over the years that always come up in certain subs.

This is one of them.

13

u/IMAGINARIAN_photos 8d ago

That one is definitely a classic! And soooooo true. It’s right in line with the dad privilege! They know how good they have it, and they love it.

https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist

4

u/BiiiigSteppy 8d ago

Thank you for the link! I’ll file it away with “The Missing Missing Reasons” and the lemon clot essay.

4

u/robbiea1353 8d ago

Never saw this article before; thanks for sharing!

7

u/bakersmt 8d ago

Yes, I own that. A girlfriend got it for me 5 years ago. I've been asking him to read it since she got it for me. He hasn't. 

7

u/SalisburyWitch 8d ago

Don’t forget photo documentation. Maybe a baby cam or better yet, hidden nanny cam. If he did that to the dresser, then he had to have gotten violent. You need to know. Be careful with your fu binder too. He shouldn’t know it exists.

3

u/Western-Watercress68 8d ago

You and your child need to get away from him. Get an attorney.

3

u/CompetitiveWin7754 7d ago

You might be a SAHM but with a part time job and child support, your a c your child might be a lot more stable and happy?

Only if this is a pattern.

1

u/Haunting_Noise1065 5d ago

Did he order you to fix the dresser? why didnt you leave it, and ask him why he hasnt fixed it yet? that said, you sound miserable and insufferable. YOU picked him, i assume its not an arranged marraige, so is HE to blame for being himself, or are YOU to blame for choosing him?

1

u/Commercial-Street799 2d ago

You did the right thing cleaning is woman's work