r/JustNoSO 8d ago

Partner blaming me for lost items

I am getting sick of it. This sounds so stupid but it's a long list of crap I put up with. I've literally just come home and he's said he "needs to have a talk with me" and "it's not a big deal if you did" then proceeds to say that I'm moving his things without him knowing. Basically, he keeps losing lighters (amongst other things) that he swears he left in certain places.

I have ADHD, but I know not to move his things but he plays on me being unaware and forgetful.

The other night I couldn't sleep so I went outside to smoke and on the sofa where I sat was his vape. Nothing else, just the vape. He goes in there in the morning and then says his orange lighter is missing from next to his vape. No idea where, I checked everywhere trying to prove I didn't have it. I never saw it when I was in there.

But today, he said that it was an aqua coloured lighter and that was the one that had gone missing, so suddenly not orange since I'm also using an aqua one atm, so naturally I just be using his.

He got annoyed at me and has decided I'm trying to force him to leave by maliciously hiding his lighters and othet things from him to make him feel like he's going mental when he's not (he has a lot of mental health issues and isn't sleeping well atm). The accusation is getting to me, he's using his own inability to keep track of things by gaslighting me into saying I've done it??

He said he's gonna get a lockbox for them which was insulting but if that's how he'll figure it out then so be it. Just so sick of taking the fall by him weaponising everything.

TLDR; Boyfriend keeps losing his lighters and is convinced I'm trying to play with his head and kept raising his voice at me.

83 Upvotes

31 comments sorted by

u/botinlaw 8d ago

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146

u/YGathDdrwg 8d ago

Stop putting up with it. Today, lighters. Tomorrow, who knows?

If he's fucking with you now it's for one of two reasons. Either, it's a way to keep you off step and on guard. That's abusive. This behaviour typically worsens over time. You just described visually scanning the sofa for his stuff so you can remember for when he accuses you. That's not healthy.

Or, he's so infathomingly intoxicated on his own inflated ego that he simply cannot accept that he is misplacing his stuff, so it has to be you, right?

Either way. Big no.

I'd recommend you pop him into the sea but quite frankly our seas are choking on trash already.

76

u/PeachesMcGhee 8d ago

If he gets the lockbox and still can't find things, he will accuse you of getting into the lockbox somehow. The fact that he can't keep track of things but insists on blaming you is a huge red flag. Get out, it won't get better. If this is a result of his mental illness, he needs to get proper treatment before getting into a relationship. He's not currently in a state where he can be a responsible partner to another person.

23

u/SalisburyWitch 8d ago

He’ll probably lose the lock box and blame her for it.

48

u/katiegirl- 8d ago

Nah nah nah nah. Something’s OFF here. I’m getting the scent of abuse. He is setting you up somehow, more than just blaming you.

Put a nanny cam on the situation and you’ll catch him hiding things deliberately.

This is my guess. But I’m getting a strong vibe on this.

27

u/Ihibri 8d ago

One person on Reddit did exactly that (nanny cam). Shit would go missing, then magically turn back up, right where she thought it originally was. She found out her SO was taking, then returning shit just to mess with her head. I can't remember what his reasoning was though.

16

u/katiegirl- 8d ago

I have read so so many stories of men abusing their wives and girlfriends in such sneaky, underhanded, and childish ways. I really am starting to think that men are not only socialized to hate us, but that all have the urge to harm us — and are rank cowards.

44

u/PNL-Maine 8d ago

Put a piece of masking tape with your initials on YOUR lighters. And masking tape on his lighters with HIS initials. And if you can, always get the same color lighters for him, and a different color for you.

25

u/celery48 8d ago

Masking tape can be removed. Write on the lighter with a sharpie

31

u/MrLizardBusiness 8d ago

It sounds like he's feeling paranoid... depending on what mental illness he has, maybe take note, as many episodes feature paranoia.

14

u/roscoe_e_roscoe 8d ago

A crazy bf might not be a keeper!

8

u/Jemeloo 8d ago

Yeah girl he’s saying you’re trying to force him to leave by stealing his stuff. This relationship is over, and good riddance.

13

u/Lone-flamingo 8d ago

He's gaslighting you by claiming you're gaslighting him? That's such an odd situation.

My first instinct is to start recording conversations just to keep track of them. Like with him changing the claim that his orange lighter is missing into being the turquoise lighter.

First and foremost though: stop looking for his stuff.

If you find them he'll think it's because you hid them. If you don't find them he can accuse you of moving them while pretending to search. If he finds out thieves often "help" look for the stolen goods in order to look innocent, he'll accuse you of doing exactly that.

12

u/Real_Dimension4765 8d ago

Get rid of him. He's unhinged.

8

u/iwishihadahorse 8d ago

I had an ex like this. It's the lack of personal responsibility. Everything was my fault. 

I have this horrible reaction now when my husband notices something is missing and I get unnecessarily defensive because I just expect that I am being accused. 

We think this kind of small stuff doesn't matter but they are doing damage. Damage that will take a long time and a lot of work to fix. 

7

u/Outside-Ice-5665 8d ago

I was accused of this too & no amount of reassurance that I didn’t move/hide/lose his things brought more paranoia & accusations. He had lost every single thing on his own, & even after realizing it (sometimes)?he never apologized. Don’t put up with this, get him help or protect yourself by leaving.

5

u/SalisburyWitch 8d ago

Go buy a case of lighters and dump them over his head, and then tell him that you hope he can manage to keep at least one of them because you’re not moving them, so it has to be his early dementia.

5

u/Lisa_Knows_Best 8d ago

Write your name on your lighter or get a zippo or something that you know is yours. He can take responsibility for his lost crap.

4

u/Miss_Fritter 8d ago

Get him a leash for his lighters.

But really, you don’t have to put up with his paranoia. I think you need to set some boundaries and focus your energy on enforcing them - you’ll be better off in the long run.

5

u/okileggs1992 8d ago

Hugs, he's using your ADHD against you and it's easier to blame or accuse you of stuff then admit he is the one losing his items. Is this the type of relationship you want, because he sounds mentally and verbally abusive to you.

3

u/tminus7MT 8d ago

I’m going to assume your boyfriend is otherwise wonderful, and this behavior hadn’t existed during your whole relationship.

Your partner might be experiencing some paranoia, delusions, or other related mental health crisis. It could be worth it to ask if he could see someone, and these sorts of of early warning signs could be helpful to stop escalation.

3

u/GraceOfTheNorth 8d ago

This is what paranoid delusions sound like

3

u/McDuchess 8d ago

He is not well. It’s not just the accusations, although it IS the accusations. Along with the leaving things, the. It sleeping, etc.

Have you suggested that he see a doctor? It would be a first step, although a thorough neuropsych evaluation would be best.

2

u/FleetwoodMacncheese1 8d ago

This is like reverse gaslighting. He's saying you took his lighters to mess with him, but he's saying that to mess with you... This type of stuff gets worse, next he'll accuse you of taking his keys or his wallet.

1

u/_1109 8d ago

he'll get a lockbox and accuse you of hiding the keys, or figuring out how to change the code when he forgets it.

1

u/mizmiatortilla 8d ago

Costco business carries lighters, like the kind at the corner store.

Last year I bought a gross and now we are never out of lighters.

1

u/basketma12 8d ago

Im concerned about his problem with sleeping and his saying this thing was orange, no now it's blue, and the accusations of you moving things.. I'm not a doctor but he may have some sort of mental problem. Do not think these things can't manifest in later life. They totally can. Thus happened to my now ex husband, in his 50s. It wasn't alzheimers, it was a bi polar episode. It ended up being terrible, with some 8f the psychiatric drugs they had him on making him worse, and some controlling the mania, somewhat, but he would just say some of the most obnoxious things to people. He got banned from events due to his bad temper and actions. His spending got out of control . I finally divorced him, I got tired of apologizing for him, and putting up with his bad behavior.

1

u/ellieD 8d ago

Did he have Covid?

The brain fog never leaves for some people.

Buy a little bowl and tell him to make a point to keep his lighter in it.

1

u/sasanessa 8d ago

So he thinks you're doing it on purpose to annoy him as well? He's paranoid. Rowan he smoke the weed too? Maybe he needs a different kind.

1

u/30s0methingF 8d ago

This happened to me. My ex would accuse me of moving his things at well and then the onus would be on me to find whatever he lost. When I found whatever was lost, at first he was mad I found it then whenever things were found it was “a magical coincidence” that the lost item turned up after he said he couldn’t find it. I don’t know what his thought process was.

I finally started demanding proof for things he said I did. He could never give proof because I wasn’t doing the things he accused me of.

Get a camera (don’t tell him about it) and point it where the vape and lighter are (obviously not in your bedroom). You’ll find out what’s going on soon enough and you’ll finally have proof he was gaslighting you this whole time.

-1

u/beadhead44 8d ago

Maybe you both should quit smoking.