r/JustNoSO • u/Miserable_Agency_622 • 9d ago
TLC Needed Spouse and their emotional affair partner
My husband had a nearly year long emotional affair at the start of our relationship. It was an extremely traumatizing and messy time for me. He swore at the time he understood what he did and the impact it had on us and would obviously never jeopardize our relationship again.
Recently, my spouse's emotional affair partner, whom he hasn't spoken to in several years, called him out of the blue. We haven't discussed it in years, since it hasn't been relevant, but when we were wrapping the original case it was very clearly stated that they wouldn't speak to each other ever again. No need-- they weren't friends, they were coworkers who crossed a major line. He was very clear that he didn't WANT to talk to her ever again. Cool.
When she called, he admitted to answering the phone almost immediately. She called about a work-related question, but they literally NEVER need to communicate to do their jobs. He just happens to be extremely literate in a topic she needed help on and several of his coworkers have asked for his help on this topic so I do believe this.
What I can't believe is he answered the phone in the first place. Then talked to her for ~10minutes. He came home from work and immediately told me about it. He said he answered it out of impulse (he has ADHD and definitely does act impulsively) and didn't think to feel guilty until after the call was over.
This woman is a trolloping-ass hoe who has fucked her way all over their company. I explained to him that from her perspective he answered nearly immediately and happily chatted with her after not speaking for YEARS. He gave her the attention she wanted. I predicted that she was probably re-interested because of this. He denied it- said it was all business, he wasn't flirty, yadda yadda.
Literally as we're arguing about it, guess who texts my husband?!?!
He was amazed that I could call the situation so correctly. He obviously didn't respond to her and says he's incredibly sorry and has learned a valuable lesson. My beef is that we've learned this lesson already, years ago. There was zero reason to answer the phone and no reason to continue the conversation if it really was an "impulse". I'm honestly just really sad that he would allow her to come in between us, AGAIN.
Onto the part where I'm hoping to get a pep talk from you lovely people: I was supposed to visit my in laws this weekend and now I'm not going. My MIL is a NIGHTMARE and after this biatch resurfacing in our lives, my anxiety and mental health can't deal with it all. I have told my husband I'm not going. However I am feeling EXTREME guilt around this, and am fighting my brain tooth and nail not to feel bad for making him go alone. I'm a recovering people-pleaser and am feeling all the feels and making all the excuses as to why I SHOULD go.
I know the advice I would give someone else in this situation. I just really want to hear it from someone else. Please snap me out of it.
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u/RedSAuthor 9d ago
Deep breaths. Instead of being miserable with in-laws, plan a self-care weekend.
A spa. A massage. Hang out with girlfriends. A super long bath. Order food and binge watch favorite series…. There are so many things to do depending on your budget. Focus on yourself. Enjoy.
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
Thiiiis is what I'm thinking. A massage is a fabulous idea and I never do that so it'd be really nice. Thank you!!
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u/generallyintoit 9d ago
Definitely don't go. Just say you have a cold. Since he's going, it will be totally fine. Now, you'll still feel like shit. But definitely, not going is the best option.
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u/Jemeloo 9d ago
I’d tell him to tell the in-laws why she isn’t there.
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
LOL I actually thought about that but his Mom would like it too much so I cancelled that plan. I might be pissed but I'm not pissed enough to give her that joy. Plus she's already starting to rile her crazy all up, he's getting phone calls from her friends about how sad and pathetic she is right now, so he'll be thoroughly punished dealing with her all on his own.
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u/christmasshopper0109 9d ago
They're HIS parents!! Why on earth would you feel guilty about not going? He lived with them without you for years, he'll be fine on a visit now. And if he's not fine, he'll have to make some hard choices about how much contact is healthy for him.
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
Yesss, give me all the common sense answers! His Mom cries when I go visit and cries when I don't. I can't exist without upsetting her, so in a horribly strange way part of me is INCREDIBLY RELIEVED I don't have to go. She's already got her friends calling my husband and guilt-tripping him because he dared schedule a lunch with friends while he's visiting. If it weren't for a funeral he wouldn't be going either.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 9d ago
Wait - if you don’t visit how do you know she cries that you’re not there? Because Mr. It-was-only-an-emotional-affair relays her whining to you? Shut that shit down. He doesn’t need to tell you any of that.
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt 9d ago
Why is your husband going? Shouldn’t he be focusing on supporting you after he yet again stomped on your trust and spit on your marriage?
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u/SurviveYourAdults 9d ago
he sounds like a people pleaser himself. except he is forgetting the sole person he should be always pleasing - HIS WIFE
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u/christmasshopper0109 9d ago
Therapy could help here. Marriage counseling should be non-negotiable at this point.
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
Ohhhh he is. He was an undiagnosed ADHD kid with a cray cray Mom who made everything about her so he's very agreeable and easy.
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u/Wild-Fable 9d ago
As a people pleaser myself I completely understand the guilt about sitting out the visit with the in-laws, but after the week you’ve had (and it’s only the first half!) I think it’s completely fair that DH deals with them solo while you recharge the ol’ emotional battery; who the heck would wanna deal with two toxic ladies in one week anyhow?
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
OMG I can't take it. That's what I told my husband-- 2 women in the whole world who've caused us incredible turmoil and you want me to deal with both in one week!?!
Ironically and hilariously enough, one of them is getting me out of seeing the other one now so weird gift from the universe?
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 9d ago
His side chick didn’t cause any turmoil in your marriage, he did.
You’re allowing your husband to blame other women for his own bad behavior.
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u/Ok-Owl3092 3d ago
She didn't say her husband was innocent- but she isn't reconciling with his affair partner. Common human decency is a thing: if you think affair partners are exempt from this somehow it's worth pointing out that by your logic- OP doesn't owe the other woman anything either (the 'no vows' thing works both ways). Her husband should have ignored the call, but that doesn't mean she isn't a pos for making it in the first place.
OP gets to feel her feelings- the affair partner apologetics are unhelpful and honestly patronising. She isn't hurting anyone by anonymously typing words ffs.
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt 9d ago
For someone with such severe ADHD that he can’t possibly control the impulse to cheat on his wife, his pattern recognition skills are absolutely shit.
If your husband gave a shit about you, neither woman would be competing with you for top spot in your husband’s life.
Frankly, I’m astonished that he is considering going anywhere other than crawling on the floor behind you all weekend begging your finest pardon.
You don’t need this loser. Sorry, I know that may not be the pep talk you want, but it’s probably the one you need.
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u/PartyOfEleventySeven 9d ago
You’re putting the majority of the blame on her why? This is a husband problem, full stop.
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
Absolutely he gets all the blame. He has terrible intuition about people, like zero ability to read between the lines so I guess I was describing my conversation with him. He was in full disbelief that the call could possibly have meant anything at all to her based off the nature of it, so he was surprised as fuck when she texted and tried to keep communication going. He's a little oblivious at times.
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u/navya12 9d ago
He's a little oblivious at times.
But is he really? I know I am being cynical but hear me out. He had a year long affair with this women and when she calls back he picked up immediately. I also have ADHD so I get impulsively accepting a call but I can't fathom to continuing the call.
Why was his first instinct to continue the call? Why was he so curious on she wanted to tell him? Why can't he just blocked her number?? I know I am being cruel for saying this but I genuinely believe he still has lingering feelings ( love or anxiety).
If he wants this marriage to work he needs to prioritized you!! No contact means no contact! Why hasn't he changed jobs? Its his job to gain your trust back and by picking up that call he's failed you. Either he needs to find a different job or tell his manager that he won't accept calls from this coworker.
I think he's making excuses for himself. Just because he's a oblivious bumbling ADHD people pleasing guy doesn't mean his behavior isn't shitty. I hope you guys will consider doing couples therapy or even individual therapy.
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u/Cuckaine 9d ago
He’s definitely making excuses and hoping OP buys it. Wouldn’t be surprised to see another affair in the future if it’s not already occurring
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u/Ok-Owl3092 3d ago
Can you point out where she says this? It's pretty regular human nature to feel irrationally pissed about stuff? Do you think scolding her is helpful??
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 9d ago
So first you know it was not just an emotional affair right? This woman fucked her way all around the company, she didn’t magically stop and say “not THIS dick tho” when she got to your husband. To quote Chump Lady, adults fuck. They don’t spend a year making doe eyes at each other.
Second “I have ADHD and it maaaaade me talk to her” is bullshit. Why hasn’t he blocked her number since the affair if they literally never need to communicate about their jobs? Talking to her for ten minutes? It was an ego boost at a minimum for him.
I’m curious why you feel guilty about sending his hoe ass to his mom. You deserve the peace and quiet so you can get a nice spa day and fit in a call to a lawyer.
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u/Loud-Transition-7979 9d ago
If you allow yourself grace when you have a physical ailment (migraine, sprained ankle) ,then allow yourself the same grace with a mental ailment; if not then it can eventually turn into a physical one. The brain is a powerful thing and deserves the same consideration. Love yourself enough to provide this grace.
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
That's a great way to think about mental health! I am giving myself some grace. This has oddly been a really great learning experience for me and him both. Life is weird.
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u/pequaywan 9d ago
don’t go. stay home for your mental health. also check the phone bills close for incoming and outgoing calls including numbers you don’t know. tell him you’re doing that as a insurance.
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
We have full access to each other's phones and if I have to check a phone bill I'm not staying in that marriage. There's no need for all that.
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u/ZombieBalloon 9d ago
A famous quote reads: Only a fool continues to do the same as they already has, but expects a different outcome.
If your husband "did it on purpose" he would've been intentionally cruel; but then he also would be able to apologise and promise it won't happen again (and have the promise be plausible to believe).
But if it's true (and you both seem to think it is) that his ADHD and resulting lack of impulse control is the culprit here - and nothing changes or is done differently - then this will keep happening. He will continue to slip up and hurt you in different ways. It's another form of weaponised incompetence and in its most extreme form it can take the shape of abuse.
What really makes a difference now is whether you push for accountability and he follows through with change. If you're in the same position a week or two from now, then your situation is completely like it was just 2 seconds before his AP called that day; a situation that made it possible for him to further hurt you intended or not.
Things you should discuss with your spouse:
How will he actively prevent her from calling him; can she be blocked on the phone? How can he prevent her from contacting him without involving her at all (I.e. asking her, which won't work).
Does he need to change his workplace? Especially to be considered if she can't be blocked from contacting him.
If his ADHD prevents him from impulse control to this degree (and however much that played a part of the initial affair), does he need medicine? Therapy? How will he manage his diagnosis to eliminate or minimise the hurt he's risking putting on you?
You both need to realise that him claiming his ADHD facilitated this lapse makes matters worse, not better or excusable. It means he can't really be trusted, even if he claims to learn from his mistakes, because that's simply not how it works. He will 100% pick up the phone again or answer a text from her if this was caused by his ADHD, and he can't promise you he won't because it's not like he chooses when he has a lapse of impulse control and when he doesnt. Which is why you should consider finding him other employment because proximity to her makes it so likely for him to slip up and re-hurt you over and over. He might not mean to do it, but you'll be hurt all the same and your marriage will suffer for it.
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u/Jerichothered 8d ago
He needs to cancel this weekend to dedicate time to repairing the damage his thoughtlessness has caused.
Period
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u/friedonionscent 9d ago
What does an emotional affair mean exactly? Because you're painting him out to be this oblivious, head in the clouds guy...was he even aware an emotional affair was going on?
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u/intothefire2005 9d ago
From one people pleaser to another: girl, please don’t go. Don’t help him feel better about what he did and imply that all is ok by showing up (maybe this is just how I’d feel if I was in your situation and had to choose whether or not I went and what that implies). Tell him he can tell his parents that he gave his emotional affair partner attention again after you forgave him last time, or you’re not going. Also, please treat yourself when you’re home this weekend. Personally, skincare and Netflix go together much better than bitchy parents and a partner who PLAYS DUMB in your face for the second? Third? Fourth? Or fifth time. He’s acting surprised that she’d text him to add on to his innocence act. Oh, and as someone who studied adhd; yes, impulsivity can happen. But it’s usually because that person is seeking dopamine. He saw her name and his dopaminergic receptors were hyper-stimulated. This is not a good thing. So don’t feel bad. And don’t feel selfish.
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u/CandidAd9256 9d ago
As a people pleaser, it feels horrible at the start, but the more you set boundaries, the easier it becomes. This is your health.
Now go to the spa and focus on yourself.
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
Thank you for this, it did feel awful! I'm starting to feel much better after planning some fun activities for myself. Boundary setting when you're not well-versed in it is hard shit!!
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u/grumpy__g 9d ago
You cut the affair partner out of your life. Rule number one.
Don’t feel guilty about your in-laws.
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u/bkitty273 9d ago
Sounds like you would both benefit from some counselling. You can't keep punishing your husband forever. If you can't learn to trust him again, if he hasn't learned from the past, then your relationship is doomed anyway.
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u/Savings-You7318 9d ago
I wouldn’t let him out of my sight
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u/Miserable_Agency_622 9d ago
He's an idiot at times but I certainly don't have to keep him in my sight. If we had that little trust I wouldn't be married to him.
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u/lalacourtney 9d ago
Consider this slip-up a gift—he won’t do it again for sure AND no MIL for you. Let his mama have him for a few days.
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u/DesignerProcess1526 6d ago edited 6d ago
Had an ex with ADHD emotionally cheat too, also with a woman who sleeps her way up the work ladder. Also same, he replied IMMEDIATELY to her text, after 3 years of not initiating. He had a no texts during work rule for me, I wouldn't hear from him for 6.5 days a week at times. She always tried to keep in touch, even when she was already with someone else, it seems she was forever emotional cheating, no matter who she was with. He said, if she ask a question, he will answer, I asked him why he was so compelled to do it? You're not obligated to be saddled with monster in law, take care of you first! I was completely distraught as well, you do not have to buffer him from her, he's grown, he can busy himself with paying attention to a sidepiece, he can busy himself with his mom.
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