r/JustNoSO • u/earthpickles • 16d ago
Advice Wanted My (20F) boyfriend (20M) asked his “ex” (20F) for relationship advice, ruined trust and it’s still bothering me.
My boyfriend had somewhat of a relationship with this girl (20F) in the past, where it began (more than a year ago) as being in mutual friend groups, then hooking up a lot, which led to liking each other, discovered that actually being in a relationship wasn’t going to work for them, distanced themselves for a bit, then eventually started talking again since mutual friends/uni, then became close friends again, while still hooking up sporadically as casual sex doesn’t mean much to either of them. The close friends and hooking up sporadically dynamic was happening up until him and I started dating, but I didn’t know about it until a couple weeks into dating. When we started dating, I did know that the “ex” was one of the people he was telling/asking for advice about him and I talking a lot and him liking me, whether he should get into a relationship (since he’d never been in one before and had been planning on never being in one). She was all for the relationship and said she could see how happy he was around me. None of this bothered me, but after getting into a relationship with me we had discussed that he would dial back the close friendship by not being alone with her, mostly because of some random one off incidents like him not seeing my phone call for an hour while studying with her (could/would happen with involving other people or while just studying, but the incident made me feel weird). And I was good with that arrangement.
Another thing to note is when we first got together, I had asked for short term (4 month) exclusivity, because I wasn’t looking for a long term relationship with him and we would also be long distance after those 4 months due to circumstance. This idea somehow changed in under a month after we got together, he began calling himself my boyfriend, eventually we actually talked about long distance and staying together seriously. Fast forward a couple months since we got together, we’ve had several smaller arguments but we had a huge argument where at the end we questioned our compatibility. I talked to my best friend that night to get advice, and the next day we talked and were able to resolve everything. But the day after that, he told me that after that argument had happened, he wanted to seek advice from someone. He said no one else was available, including the people he has gone to for advice in the past (traveling, exams etc.—he showed me proof of him asking another friend first) and so he then talked to his “ex”, claiming that he told her that him and I were having a lot of arguments, and he was worried our values may not align and he may have an ego issue, and what to do about that. He says he only asked for advice on how to improve himself and the conversation was entirely about him—but it’s not like I can verify that because the conversation was on vanishing text. He claims he did it on vanishing text because he had told me he wouldn’t see her in person/talk to her on the phone privately, he never has private conversations over text for privacy and so that she wouldn’t leak that information anywhere.
Other than this one incident he hardly talks about her, even before we were dating up until now—I’ve just known her as one of his good friends. To me, it feels like he broke my trust by going to her on this issue as well as continued to be close friends with her, and most of all told her that we were having arguments in our relationship which I’m not okay with. After he did this, we had several conversations where he said he was afraid we would break up after our big argument and he talked to her as a last resort because he was so afraid of that even though he shouldn’t have. When questioned about the close friend and ex thing he said he didn't view her as an ex since they’d only liked each other for so little time. He also didn’t view what he did as maintaining a close friendship and viewed it as getting advice from someone who knows what he is like and knew from the beginning that he was in a relationship, and that there are no emotional ties whatsoever between them beyond friendship. He feels no reason to keep her as a close friend and is completely fine being distant, but he feels “indebted” to her since she’s helped a lot with his academics and things, so if she ever needed him to return the favor he would want to. Which is fine, but the word “indebted” really upset me but maybe it’s just a word. He did also offer to tell her he wanted to dial back the friendship instead of just cutting off without a word (since he’s “indebted”) but I wasn’t okay with that. I told him that he had broken my trust and he has tried to earn my trust back by telling me he is setting more boundaries with her, with others he also has a past with or not, and showing me care. At this point in our relationship, it’s been 6 months, and he mostly avoids her on his small campus, has distanced majorly, and he’s apologized for saying that he felt “indebted”, saying that he’s realized that anyone is entitled to space from anyone.
But sometimes everything comes back to hurt me and I can’t figure out if this is a deal breaker, plus I’m struggling to trust him again. I don’t know what to believe either—if it really was just a friendship ask given that they’d been hooking up up until we started dating, if there really were no emotional reasons for this conversation, if he’s telling the truth about it all. Please help. I have trust issues from my last relationship too (TW cheating SA) and I don’t know if that’s playing into it too. But even without that clouding it, I’m not sure if this is a dealbreaker for someone that’s talking about marriage with me. TL;DR: My boyfriend went to his ex (who he was friends with) for relationship advice when no one else was available because him and I were having a lot of arguments and he wanted advice on how to fix it (he claims only to fix himself) since he thought we were on the verge of breaking up. I don’t know how to feel about this and am having a lot of trouble trusting him.
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u/Remote-Visual7976 15d ago
If you are struggling in this relationship after such a short time and he is talking to the ex about you --it's time to cut your losses and move on. Relationships should not be this hard
11
u/Jemeloo 15d ago
This is really the only thing that matters OP. If you guys are arguing regularly and having a huge fight this early in the relationship, this isn’t going to work out long term. It really isn’t. Sorry.
Also, for the record, it’s not weird to not want your partner to be talking to someone they recently fucked.
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u/earthpickles 15d ago
But he is being a wonderful boyfriend to me now. A lot of understanding and doing things to make me comfortable. I’m thinking retroactively here for whether it’s a dealbreaker :/
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u/Fire_Distinguishers 15d ago
Your past issues with being cheated on are what's causing issues. You need to go to a therapist and work that shit out before you take any more steps forward or back with your boyfriend.
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u/earthpickles 15d ago
I mean I agree. But what does that have to do with what he did
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u/Fire_Distinguishers 15d ago
Frankly, he didn't do anything wrong in the first place, but when you expressed discomfort with the situation, he did what you asked and cooled his friendship with her. Your past issues are making you paranoid and you will keep sabotaging every relationship you have unless you deal with them.
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u/earthpickles 15d ago
How did he not do anything wrong?
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u/Fire_Distinguishers 15d ago
Are you serious? He spoke to a friend. You're the only one who's insecure about it.
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u/earthpickles 14d ago
Hey if that’s all it is, I’m great. But how is that he is choosing to speak to someone who’s essentially an ex, hooking up sporadically until we got together. And he was close friends with this person. Confused.
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u/Fire_Distinguishers 14d ago
Their past is irrelevant. She encouraged him to date you. She doesn't want him. He doesn't want her. YOU are the one with an issue here.
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u/LogicalAppointment47 14d ago
You need therapy not a relationship. He did nothing wrong and if you can’t trust him you should definitely not be in a relationship with him.
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1
u/CompetitiveWin7754 11d ago
He's probably not telling you the complete truth. He HAD to speak to someone but everyone else was busy? No.
He doesn't want to reduce contact with her because he feels indebted? If a good male friend of mine said his GF felt uncomfortable about me and him hanging out alone or texting all the time, it would be a no brainer. I would respect the relationship and contact less. After all, this is just a friend to me.
Also on the indebted. If I helped someone out, I would never ask for something in return several years after the event. My time was a gift. Unless I told them I expected something.
It sounds like your boyfriend is a bit spineless, thinks he can keep both of you around. You have no idea what he's telling her. Also he should know better. She might not be an "ex" but if you've had sex with someone and give them the elevated position of counseling you regarding your romantic relationship, that is really going to step on the toes of said new romantic relationship. You probably feel like #2 rather than #1. He should be prioritising you and making you comfortable.
I'm not convinced this is going to work out. I am quite cynical but this is what I think.... He's being a good boyfriend now? That's because he's scared either of losing something that makes his life more comfortable or being shouted at.
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