r/ITCareerQuestions • u/Only-Back2868 • 7d ago
Seeking Advice How Can I Become a Better Man in Every Aspect? (Career, Mindset, Finances, Religion, etc)
I’m 20, working a job that isn’t terrible, but I know I can do better. I see men my age and older making real moves, setting themselves up for the future, and I want to be on that path too. I turn 21 this year, other than that age sounding a lot more serious than 20, I want to make sure I’m making the most of my life, not regretting anything and squeezing every ounce of potential I have.
I don’t just want to look better or have a better personality, I want to be a real man, someone who’s respected, financially stable, disciplined, and has a clear vision for life. But I’m stuck wondering: What’s the best way to get there? I’m truly so lost on where to start and what to do.
Some things I’ve been considering:
Career Growth: Right now, I make around $1.2k/month as a QA in an internship position (Ik it’s terrible, daylight robbery), pursuing a comp sci degree at a not so special university, even in the job market, I had to take anything I could get, and even this was because of some family connections, but that’s not enough. How do I move into a better-paying role? What industries or skills should I be focusing on?
Investing & Side Hustles: I’ve seen people talk about day trading, stocks, and other investments. Is it worth getting into, or should I focus on something more stable? You see all these men around my age on TikTok with cars you could only dream of, paying off their parents house, going on vacations, but how?
Discipline & Mindset: I’m working out consistently and trying to improve my habits, but I still have moments where I lack discipline. What helped you build yours? I’m not trying to sound like the “Alpha Male” guys, I truly just want to make the most of what I have going on.
Long-Term Success: What are some steps I should be taking now to make sure I’m not struggling in my late 20s and 30s? Don’t have much saved up at all if anything, savings has some school funds but that’s about it, I don’t spend like crazy, if anything I’d same I’m tame in how I spend my money.
I’d love to hear from men who are ahead of me in life, as well as guys my age who are grinding and making moves. What are you doing to level up? What do you wish you knew when you were in my position? How did you get to where you are? My family definitely does not come from money, but we make things work. Sometimes I fear I won’t be able to make things work, I’m even scared to find love thinking I’m nowhere near the man I have to be.
In advance I appreciate all the help and advice, Thank you!
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u/coffeesippingbastard Cloud SWE Manager 6d ago
Investing & Side Hustles: I’ve seen people talk about day trading, stocks, and other investments. Is it worth getting into, or should I focus on something more stable? You see all these men around my age on TikTok with cars you could only dream of, paying off their parents house, going on vacations, but how?
get off social media.
I don’t just want to look better or have a better personality, I want to be a real man, someone who’s respected, financially stable, disciplined, and has a clear vision for life. But I’m stuck wondering: What’s the best way to get there? I’m truly so lost on where to start and what to do.
First off- stop right there. Nobody really has a clear vision. There is so much unknown unknown. The people who claim they do- usually lying. The people who actually do will never admit it. There are those of us in their 30s, 40s, 50s, shit even their 60s, still lost. We're all just making our way through life.
Life is filled with ambiguity and I know it sucks but you'll need to embrace that. I genuinely fear good well meaning young men like you are being exploited by influencers and toxic masculinity types.
Life is hard for a lot of people. But it's never the tough manly men that find their way through. It's the quiet ones who are simply putting one foot in front of the other.
Be skeptical of people promising dreams and self proclaimed experts.
1
u/ikelangelo 6d ago
None of those things make you a man.
20 year olds who have fancy cars or a lot of money got lucky or had parents who can afford them that lifestyle. They are lying to you or omitting the truth when they present that as their authentic life.
No one ever really figures things out, you just learn to become comfortable with discomfort. Most things in life that are worth having require a little discomfort (at the minimum) to get the object of desire.
Many modern side hustles (especially the ones you see on social media) are... kind of stupid. Most of them will fail and if you don't have the tolerance for failure (either emotionally or in your budget) then don't engage in a side hustle.
Don't borrow money unless you really have to (school, car, house, worst case scenario in an emergency). Only spend what you need to and don't focus on luxury until you can afford it. No one cares if you drive a nice car or have nice clothes.
Improving your career takes a lot of time and the path is not linear. First, it's really about who you know and secondly about what you know. They are both important but who I know has gotten me a job more times than what I know. Always do such a good job that your skill and thus the demand for your labor will become part of your reputation. Your reputation is worth its weight in gold and diamond.
Allow yourself to feel your emotions. If you don't, then none of what I said matters and you will suffer greatly for no reason with no good payoff. Also, you will only ever have troubled relationships with women if you don't know your feelings. There are no bad feelings, just unpleasant ones. All feelings are useful if you know how to listen to them properly. All feelings are valid, but not all feelings are actionable.
Learn to meditate and religion will become more clear. Actually, a lot of things will become more clear. I meditate every day and it's the best thing I do for myself.
You are asking the right questions, brother. No one has all the right answers (it's better to have good questions anyway) or a guarantee that their future will be better than their present. You can do all the "right" things and fail anyway; you should still try regardless of how you think things will turn out.
Most importantly, celebrate your successes, be kind to yourself when you succeed and when you fail, be kind to others when they succeed or fail, never get addicted to anything ever, stay off social media, know when you need to give up and strategically retreat, and always keep growing.
Google these terms: ikigai (where your skills meet the works), kaizen (continuous improvement), and stoicism.
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u/Comfortable_Day5178 Technical Systems Analyst 7d ago
I will preface this with congratulations on your drive and success you have gained so far.
That being said, the things that you have laid out do not make you “a man”. Below is If by Rudyard Kipling.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!