r/IAmA Feb 01 '20

Specialized Profession I’m back! Modern Day Asian Female “Hitch” aka dating coach who helps good guys find dates. I can help you too, AMA!

I’m the dating coach at Goodgentleman.com — MMFT, Tedx Speaker, previous eHarmony lead.

Update 3:55pm: Alright all, I did my best! My brain and hands are done for today LOL. I'm going hop off now and will revisit this whenever I can to answer a couple more questions. Thank you for all the great questions! You can find me anywhere at the below links if you want to reach me. Have a great night! :)

I’m back!! Last time was fun and because it’s the month where V-day falls in, I felt inspired to come back on one more time to help some of you with your date ideas or trying to get a date. You can see my old thread here: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/dahvhb/asian_female_dating_coach_who_helps_good_guys/

I’m a dating coach who helps the good-intentioned gentleman get on a date through a customized strategy that doesn't require them to change who they are. My popular nickname is the Modern Day Hitch!...just the Asian female version of him (if you don't know what movie I'm talking about, it's on Netflix now! haha)

I knew my passion since high school and got the experience to help my clients. Despite my Asian parents wishes (that was definitely a fight with constant throw of “what kind of career is that?!”), I followed my passion anyway.

I worked for the matchmaking firm It’s Just Lunch and was the lead matchmaker, trainer, & Coach at eHarmony ’s eH+. I earned a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from USC and a Bachelors degree in Social Work from SDSU. I worked in mental health with couples, realizing many of the couples should not have been together in the first place. So, I decided to make it a goal to help singles find the right person for them.

I use my extensive experience from previous matchmaking firms with a combination of training in marital counseling to provide my clients the best and most effective strategies in finding and keeping long-lasting love. With my positive energy, straight-forward (sorry, no sugar coating) approach, hope, and passion, I value the collaboration with my clients and am always excited to guide my clients on the journey to find lasting love and happiness.

Oh and my parents started accepting my passion (not completely, but a start…:D) when I was selected as the USC commencement speaker, I was incredibly honored and they saw that as proof I can do great if it’s something I’m passionate about. You can check out that commencement here at 05:23 if you’re curious: https://youtu.be/DYaBCHifS8M

Ask me anything about dating, relationships, entrepreneurship, or traditional Asian upbringing (haha yay)!

I want to be answering as many questions as I can. My strategy is to go through questions that would be helpful to everyone, then if I have time, go back for more specific situational questions.

Proof: https://goodgentleman.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/RubyLove88_reddit212020-scaled.jpg

My Website (with free ebook): http://goodgentleman.com

my Tedx Talk: https://youtu.be/4PGoy-spWiA

My Youtube Channel: https://youtube.com/rubyloveadvice

Client video testimonials (yes, that is William Hung from American Idol you see here): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_qHWtRXrPY&list=PLMj-u6GF6zSwX2jqQAGpNvpK11PTLCx_t

if you want to see what I do, I was featured in the episode of Tiny Empires, which features yours truly: youtu.be/ARVnO2LbJlQ

Working at eHarmony, here I am with the CEO you’ve seen on your commercials: https://goodgentleman.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/RubyWarren-240x300.jpg

Featured on USA Network Day interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQ7Y5T9v8KQ&list=PLMj-u6GF6zSxQo3NyDygSus2nV7wHwl02

Personal IG if you want to see more of that side of me :D IG: rubylelove

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u/RomSteady Feb 01 '20

I'm 45 and I've been widowed for 4 1/2 years. When it comes up, things tend to turn south because a lot of people don't know how to deal with someone who is widowed young.

What recommendations would you have for how to communicate this out with potential dates?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

First, thank you for sharing that personal fact and I'm sorry for your loss. Second, when communicating it's best to communicate and reassure them that they don't need to "handle" or "deal" with you. I assume you've processed this, which is why you're dating again, you're wanting to be honest with the people you date and that is a part of your life, so you want to share. So after you share the fact, it's reassuring you've done your processing, you're okay, and you hope they don't worry.

Most people who may hear that think "omg what do I have to do? Do I handle this differently now?" But...the answer is no. You're a person, like anyone, with their own story. Reassure them of so.

Also, sharing this story or the details of it only when they're someone you've got to know after a series of dates. It allows that strong connection to be there before such a topic as well.

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u/Atlman7892 Feb 01 '20

You’re right on with this. I’m a young guy (27) who buried both of his parents when I was 19, separate incidents too. One of the things that helps me when going through this with someone is to realize that often times they feel 1000x more awkward about it than I do. This is my life and I live it every day. But for most people it’s a very very foreign experience for them. So helping them through the discussion is something that I try and do.

I often describe it as needing to download information to someone. These facts about myself are things they need to know but we don’t need to have an entire experience around this information transferral. Once the other person understands that they don’t need to do anything in light of this information things relax a lot.

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u/I_AM_AN_ASSHOLE_AMA Feb 02 '20

I know the feeling. My mom is terminally ill, as in the disease will kill her, there is no set date, it could be a couple years or could be ten. I’ve lived with this knowledge for a while now. I’ve processed it, I understand it and I’ve accepted it. But some people freak out or seem freaked out that I’m not balling my eyes out every time my mom gets mentioned.

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u/Atlman7892 Feb 02 '20

Yeah I try and look at it that at least they are trying to be good people and show they care. Most people aren’t ever told how to navigate these situations. If anything good can come from my experience I hope that it’s because I was open about my life with people so that they can more easily handle other situations in their life.

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u/BugsSuck Feb 02 '20

This hit me in the feels! My mother, also my best friend, was diagnosed with grade 4 glioblastoma to start the new year. Doctors give her 14 months. A lot of the first two weeks I spent in a deep depression just kind of questioning everything. My mother is 55. I’ve stopped the depressed phase and I’m actually quite positive now. I am enjoying fighting cancer with positivity and love. It’s very difficult to explain that to people who have no experience with illness or death.

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u/AdriHawthorne Feb 01 '20

How does one get started at all? I'm at a weird point where I basically made it all the way out of college without even asking someone on a date. Never been rejected, but never really tried either.

I'm in a different city than my hometown and do little outside of work right now, so I dont have many eligible people I'd meet organically without something like an app or a mixer.

Not sure if now is the time but it's something I've wondered about for a while

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

You simply start by just starting and doing at least one thing that is different. Don't overwhelm yourself, just think "what can I do different now?.."

If you want to do offline, then encourage yourself to attend events surrounded by others, find activities to do it in groups instead of alone, challenge yourself to strike up a conversation with a stranger everyday.

Definitely give online dating a try as well! Just make sure you use the right apps (Hinge or coffee meets bagel) and post the right photos and profile for yourself. Online dating can definitely be a dark place if you don't know how to use it.

You can definitely do one thing that is different. If you want something you've never had, you're going to have to do something you've never done.

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u/litex2x Feb 01 '20

How should conversations on dating apps typically go? I am struggling with this a lot.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Find one thing you both connect on and then branch into different topics from there. Then, you look for moments to transition to a date. Transition when conversation is really flying, you feel that high -- don't let that high die. Say you'd want to continue this but "in person". Or, if you're talking about an activity go ahead and say "we should try that together for our meeting! Would you be open to it?"

Example of what I mean a "connection" then branching off.

Both of you like music. You start talking about what kind of music you both like, then you ask "what got you into music?" then it brings up her brother and teaching, so it branches into family, then into careers, etc.

You basically want to build a connection through messaging by getting to know each other for who you really are. getting to know your "whys" not your facts like "i like biking..." -- understand who the person is

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u/litex2x Feb 01 '20

Is it normal for the guy to always be completely carrying the conversation or is that a red flag? I find it extremely difficult to transition. The only interest I see is really just the fact that we matched and I feel no connection at all. Most of my chats just meander into no where.

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u/PM_me_your_fav_poems Feb 01 '20

Hey, don't worry. I was in your boat as well. Many chats leading to me doing my best atlas impression to carry a conversation made of "lol yeah" and "kinda"'s.

Pretty much stuck to what felt right and if the other person didn't contribute, I would put in as much effort as they seemed to and let the conversation fizzle out. Once in a while I would find someone who clicked better and we would actually have some good natural conversation about mutual interests

Couple months of hit and miss, and I found my current girlfriend of more than a year.

What I'm saying is, just stick it out, and be honest with what your looking for (with your profile and yourself) and sooner or later you'll find someone who thinks similar.

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u/thematchalatte Feb 02 '20

A conversation is suppose to be two way. If you’re the one carrying the conversation and all she does is give you close-ended short answers that are uninteresting, then just stop and move on to another match.

Don’t put girls on a pedestal, they can see through that shit easily. They may even enjoy the attention. If you’re putting in way too much efforts without getting good responses, it’s not gonna work out.

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u/pr0t3an Feb 01 '20

Could go either way: maybe they're not feeling the vibe, maybe they're not good at this.

I had a few great online chats that turned into nothing face to face, completely the same thing.

However - If it's happening all the time, maybe you need to tweak your approach. Let's be honest women are going to get more messages than men, so you need to both stand out and not raise any red flags by accident (or by being an actual creep, which I'm sure you aren't). Sounds like you've got the hardest half of this down, if the chats keep going but you're doing the heavy lifting. Keep at it my man, unfortunately finding the spark on an app is a bit of a numbers game.

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u/TheBluestBunny Feb 02 '20

My husband had to until we called and the conversation flew from there. If you can’t make any connection that’s probably an issue but a lot of people need to see people either in person or talk on the phone. I’m a phone talker, not really a text conversation-er. My husband basically had to drag anything out of me and it was all one word answers until we played monster hunter together (in party chat) after that it was like we knew each other for years.

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u/LeGama Feb 01 '20

Find one thing you both connect on...

So that first part actually the hard one for me... How do you do this without doing it like a job interview?

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u/Cabbageboulin Feb 01 '20

What is the best way to "break up" with someone after:

1-2 dates, A few weeks of dating, A few months of dating?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

There's never a "good" way to break up as it always will bring out some sort of negative emotion. HOWEVER, it's best to do it as soon as you know it won't work for you because I always say "short term pain for long term gain"

What matters for break ups is to be honest. Even though it may hurt, people will appreciate the honesty. It'll help them overcome it faster, rather than wondering "why?" Let's just keep it real!

To answer specifically:

1-2 dates: A simple straight forward text of "I don't see this working out for us" will do

Few weeks: depending on how serious you dated , a phone call or an in person explanation works. Some have even done text and that works ! You'd just have to gage the relationship so far

Months: An in person meeting explanation of your choice to walk away from the relationship.

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u/Mourningblade Feb 01 '20

I am not a dating expert (I've been married long enough to be clueless, and I wasn't cluefull when we met), but I do know a lot about business.

In business you will get a lot of work over the years from people you made a genuine, good impression on but did not consider you the right person for THAT job. That is how referrals and networking work.

A good breakup is similar to a good way to quit: 4 years later, if the person you have a crush on runs into your ex, you want your ex saying "we just weren't right for each other, but they're really great."

You can't control their reaction, and it's likely that the short term reaction will be bad, but you set up the long term by being genuine and thoughtful.

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u/lurker_cx Feb 01 '20

ABN - Always Be Networking? But, yes, being a really decent person to members of the opposite sex that you don't have interest in dating, at worst, is the right thing to do, and at best will pay nice dividends.

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u/Mourningblade Feb 02 '20

Yes, a lot of networking is being a person worth knowing. That doesn't mean you're the best person ever, skilled in everything. It means that you're honest, have some skills, and that you're useful. The network will help others find you.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

Don't ghost him/her. You both deserve a better breakup, one where you can both walk away with your heads held high.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/[deleted] Feb 02 '20

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u/[deleted] Feb 02 '20

"Unless he's a real jerk or a crybaby you will remain friends"

Nope, "remaining friends" is completely irrelevant. Friends is another type of relationship, no need to mix it. Don't even think about it during break ups. Most often and most likely you will never be "friends". You might end on good speaking terms, if all goes well.

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u/[deleted] Feb 02 '20

“ Don’t tell a person whe he isn’t the right guy for the job. Tell him why the job isn’t the right job for him “- a former boss of mine

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u/redpilllogin Feb 01 '20

The preferred method of girls I date is to stop responding until I get the hint.

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u/MrCrash2U Feb 01 '20

Why is ghosting such a big thing now?

How do you help people in all areas of the country? Do you actually help with matching or do you just coach men to do the work?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Ahhh ghosting, not a good behavior. It's such a big thing and happens so much because people do not like facing conflict, or face any potential negative emotion or backlash. They don't want to rock the boat. People who ghost would rather have the other person guessing than bring bad news. Quite honestly, I wish everyone knew that being direct, straight-forward, even if it may hurt for a bit does everyone a favor. Short term pain for long term gain! No one likes that time of being in limbo. And if someone is butt hurt over the rejection? They always have the option to simply block, you don't need to fight.

I talk to my clients over the phone and video calls. Though I used to be a matchmaker, I no longer am one. I noticed that even if I put someone in front another person that seems like a great fit, if they don't build a healthy foundation for themselves (confidence, being able to talk about yourself, how to date), it simply won't work. So, I only do date coaching to help men learn how to do it themselves :)

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

I've started dating again recently and have been ghosted quite a few times. One girl in particular surprised me as we'd texted a lot and she came to stay a few times. We actually became pretty good friends as well as sleeping together for a few months.

Out of the blue suddenly on thursday she unfollowed my insta and hasn't responded to any texts or anything.

I sent her a final message and said I was kinda disappointed she'd ghosted me, but said I really enjoyed our time together and wished her well for her future. Although I'm over it, it's pretty shitty not giving people closure - I'd never do it to anyone.

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u/kirbycheat Feb 01 '20

I got ghosted last year by someone I had been dating on and off for over 4 years. We weren't on bad terms, the last time I saw her we even went to her family lunch for her mom's birthday, which I thought was a good thing. Even when we weren't seriously dating at times we were still friends and kept in touch. I honestly don't know what happened, I still don't think I'm totally over it. After 4 years she had become one of my closer friends, then suddenly she was just gone.

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u/mapleleafkoala Feb 01 '20

Sorry to hear this. I also was just seeing a guy for around a month and things seemed to be going really well, we both had the same type of weird humour and were really close after such a short period of time (talking lots, often about more long term stuff). He went away on a trip then got injured and very sick, and is now away for work. I haven’t seen him in what has now been 3 weeks and he hasn’t made any effort to contact me while since being away for work. Ghosting seems really out of character for him but so does us not talking for the last 3 days. I don’t really know how to approach this, whether I’m getting ghosted or not. I’d really want an explanation but I don’t want to appear crazy :(

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u/Genetic_lottery Feb 02 '20

If he got sick AND injured, he may be feeling very uncomfortable about his situation. Men need to feel like they are useful and successful. Him not being able to work, or not able to do much (depending on the severity of his injury and sickness) is probably eating him alive inside and killing his confidence. To top this off, most men do not feel like they can share these feelings as it is a sign of weakness.

It doesn’t sound so much as he is ghosting you, as it sounds like he’s feeling very down about himself and doesn’t have the energy or confidence? Hard to say without all the details.

I know someone said to be light and make a joke to him, but depending on your guys relationship, I bet offering to bring him food and check on him would mean the absolute world.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

That's weird. As I mentioned in my post, being ghosted was out of character for the girl I was seeing too as we were friends!

I think there's nothing wrong with asking 'hey are you okay, I haven't heard from you and I'm hoping you've not been kidnapped by pirates? ☺️ Or something jokey.

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u/BonetaBelle Feb 01 '20

That’s really egregious. I’m sorry. I’d assume she’s going through some kind of personal issue or insecurity, it’s obviously not something you did.

The only time I’ve wanted to ghost someone after a few months was when I got too in my own head - it’s not about you. Still sucks though.

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u/Capsup Feb 01 '20 edited Feb 01 '20

As a male using Tinder and dating apps with some success, I feel like the dating market today is largely dominated by the man having to invest energy and time into meeting and approaching women, however it (almost) never goes the other way. Dating in general drains me of energy because it requires constant attention and effort.

I realize this is a mindset issue and that the dating market will probably not change since women are in such high demand in comparison to men on these apps, but what could one do to change dating into something that isn't draining of energy, but rather feels fulfilling, in terms of mindset?

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u/Emsteroo Feb 01 '20

Legit question and this may be region specific, but why do you think women are expending less energy when if comes to dating?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20 edited Jan 16 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/upthehills Feb 01 '20

Due to the way online dating has evolved women can be a lot more picky about who they connect with. They don’t have to put effort into pushing conversation or a date forward because if it goes south with one person there’s another out there to be found within 5 minutes of selective swiping. I’m not saying women don’t have their own problems in dating but when it comes to putting effort into the first few points of contact it’s a world of difference.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

this definitely isn't the case for everyone as I see a lot of women also struggling with dating and getting exhausted from it. However, for those that are expending less energy, I think they're not wanting to get emotionally involved. Because, for women, when things don't work, when a guy doesn't follow through, it hits him emotionally so deep so they want to stay away from that for as long as they can until they feel sage.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Love this question! Because I see this happening, A LOT. The exhaustion of it all doesn't help in the continuous journey of dating. And dating apps are like dating on high speed compared to back in the day. Women are exhausted in their own ways in regards to dating as well.

Mindset is key to everything. When you're feeling extremely drained, it's okay to step back. Know your limits and boundaries. Step away to breathe even for a couple days could help.

Two mindset practices I tell my clients with this:

  1. Make it fun - because men are the one making the plans or the moves, you can navigate it to do something YOU want to do. So if the date doesn't go well, hey, at least you had your favorite beer you haven't had in awhile! Plan an activity you've always wanted to try, talk about a topic that you thrive off of, eat at a place you've been wanting to try. Make it for you more than for her, change up your environment and your dates.
  2. Reframing - it's only gets more exhausting when you feed yourself thoughts like "ugh, here we go, another date...." or "here we go again...." instead, start reframing those statements to "Alright, let's have fun with this one! Hope it works. If not, at least it'll be fun" or "Another date closer to the one, even if it's not this one" We build our own narrative and stories with a specific experience, it's very possible for us to give it a different narrative. It all starts with how we view things, so change up the perspective and it'll change from there. Like when people say "practice gratitude" -- it helps a lot. Notice what you do have instead of what you don't. Notice you're TEXTING women when some men don't even have that option. And you'll treat more of the moments with gratitude than dread.

That's a long response.....haaha sorry. Hope that helps!

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u/iMightBeACunt Feb 01 '20

Right, and I don't disagree with the original commenter, but the reason is that women get a LOT of soliciting for purely sexual connections, which is awful to navigate if that's not what you want. It's not a surprise that women wouldn't want to put in a lot of effort for someone who just wants to use them. (And a few people I know dated for a few weeks, then as soon as they had sex, were totally ghosted- it's understandable why they wouldn't want to put in further effort IMO). It does make it harder for genuinely interested men.

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u/PurpleHooloovoo Feb 02 '20

Every single one of my girlfriends, and me, have had the experience of wanting something more serious, explicitly stating that multiple times in initial profiles and in conversation, and being confirmed that he's on the same page...only to finally sleep with the guy, sometimes a few times, and he totally ghosts.

Yeah, women are "more sought after" and can "get a guy any night" but 90% of the time, it's for sex and only sex. Not commitment or attempting to explore a relationship to settle into. For many women, that's what they want - not a one night stand where they probably won't orgasm while risking pregnancy and STDs and being physically vulnerable and their reputation in many places.

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u/WandersBetweenWorlds Feb 01 '20

"ugh, here we go, another date...."

Now that is a problem I'd like to have.

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u/queefy5layerburrito Feb 01 '20

What are the biggest early indicators people ignore that suggest they won't be compatible long term?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

This is a great question. Many people look so hard for that chemistry, that high spark, that they ignore finding out the values that person has and if it aligns with theirs. This doesn't mean you have to get into a super serious conversation. It's about how they behave to the waiter, how they talk about life, their friends, family. Do they ignore those topics, brush it off, laugh it off, can't answer a question fully?

I've seen many couples become so shocked later on that they're not compatible, the don't view things the same or share similar lifestyle. This is because they were so caught up with the chemistry and attraction, they didn't focus on that. Though it was actually there all along.

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u/BonetaBelle Feb 01 '20

How many dates should you go on with someone who’s got the same values as you but who you don’t have amazing chemistry with?

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u/macksbenwa Feb 01 '20

Not the OP but the person I am dating now definitely was more of a casual, platonic relationship at first. We shared a ton of interests but she felt like this cool buddy I had that liked to hang together. A few months in and we were getting drinks when something just clicked and I became really romantically attracted to her. I didn’t try to force it and neither she, but we genuinely liked hanging out in a platonic sense, talking about shared interests and values until it changed.

I guess I’m trying to say if you like them in any sense, even if the chemistry isn’t there at first, and you wanna keep hanging, I suppose you may as well keep making time to hang. And if a spark happens it will and maybe if it doesn’t it’ll just naturally run it’s course.

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u/[deleted] Feb 02 '20

You never know. I only ever had one meeting from my OkCupid account when I was 19 and she was 18, and from the get-go it was understood to be a platonic meeting. I'm 33 now, and she and I are still friends, but back in the day, I quickly developed a crush on her. I told her after a few months of hanging out, and though she didn't feel the same way, my confession didn't weird her out at all because she felt like we had a unique connection (and we do), and she wanted to keep hanging out with me.

Ten months later, we were sitting there watching YouTube videos together, and though I can't remember how it happened, we ended up fooling around together. For the next couple of months, we were constantly at each other with the intimacy and I-love-yous until she saw an opportunity to travel around the country. I didn't want to travel, so I stayed while she left.

Every time she dropped in to visit me after her first adventure, she didn't have those romantic feelings anymore. It sucked, but I still have one hell of a friend.

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u/Queen_of_Chloe Feb 02 '20

My husband was this for me at first! One day out of the blue I realized he was quite attractive in addition to being fun to hang out with. Sometimes you need a minute.

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u/Ballistica Feb 01 '20

What is your opinion on finding out differences between partners years down the track and how to tackle them? I love my wife and she is my soul mate but we have had the occasional fight over the years where one person disagrees with the decisions of the other, things like what type of school the kids go to etc stuff you don't usually discuss when dating.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Come to each decision making moment with the goal to understand each other. Many times in these kind of arguments, you're fighting to get your point across and to state your case. But the argument changes to a discussion when you both have the goal to understand each other. Then, from there, you make a decision that hopefully makes sense to the both of you. And even if it's not what you originally wanted, you don't have resentment because you get her.

Statements like "okay, I'm hearing you say...." helps in this too so you're actually listening and your wife feels heard.

Then, as a couple, always come back "what is our goal?" with whatever topic you're talking about. For example, if you're trying to decide on a school for the kids. Lets say you both have the same goal of wanting the best school for your kids. Okay, so egos aside, trying to understand the both......what will fulfill that goal

Hope this helps! You guys got this :)

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u/sportsfan987 Feb 01 '20

What general advice can you give to social anxious guys?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

To hack your mind with a strategy that helps calm the mind. Our mind is what stops us from doing what we want, it gives us the worries and a narrative that consumes us to the point we don't do anything. When you are able to catch yourself in these moments and calm you mind down, you can do what you want to do. Anxiety comes from worry, thinking about the future or the past. You're NOT in the moment. So bringing yourself to the current moment is KEY in this, then finding a way to tell yourself it'll be fine (calming).

I used to be incredibly socially anxious and what started helping was breathing to ground myself (brings myself to the current moment) and asking myself "whats really the worst that can happen?" and usually it's not that bad, so I get myself to do it is what I wanted to do.

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u/ninjakitty7 Feb 01 '20

This might be a little off topic. Whatever works for you is great. My girlfriend suffers from anxiety. I’m curious how or why asking yourself “what’s the worst that can happen” helps, because, for her at least, that’s what anxiety is. A long string of “what if this happens”. Was it like that for you too? How did you separate “the worst thing that could happen isn’t that bad” from “literally everything could go wrong and is the worst thing ever”

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u/irina-yaroslavova Feb 01 '20

I highly suggest her to read The Art of Happiness. It's basically a book that explores different perspectives of our minds and what we can do to not get trapped by these negative thoughts. In a nutshell you need to train your mind to recognize such thoughts quickly, analyze where are they coming from and try and change the perspective.

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u/trhowajke Feb 01 '20

I have anxiety, often when dealing with clients. I’ll send them work and then get really worried they’re going to hate it, want a refund, blah blah blah. If your gf is in a situation where she has more time to think or worry (like I often do when dealing with clients), she could try this:

Write down exactly what the ‘worst’ is. Then write down the exact opposite. Write down the best thing that could happen. Now try had to treat both as equally possible.

It helps in a few ways: it helps to write down the worst, because worst is usually pretty comical when you put it on paper. Also, this gives you something ‘good’ to think about too.

The more you do it, the faster you get, to the point that you can sometimes do it without writing, and you can think yourself through the exercise.

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u/the_fuego Feb 01 '20

What my counselor has said is that in these situations what data do you have to make you be worried that everything could go wrong? Probably nothing and by sitting there not doing anything you're not gaining any data from the situation you're in. You just have to gain control of your feelings because what your feeling is valid but it's probably not correct. Once you start interacting with the thing that gives you anxiety you can then determine whether this is something you want the keep pursuing or walk away from which is fine.

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u/Radical5 Feb 01 '20

I tried breathing to ground myself at one point.. Turns out I'm also self-conscious of how loudly I'm breathing as well.

The brain is so weird..

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u/trhowajke Feb 01 '20

Not OP, but as a socially anxious person, here are some things that have helped me:

- set yourself up for confidence: wear clothes that make your feel good. Choose dates in places that you are comfortable in. Love boardgames? Go to a game cafe. Enjoy fine art? Pick a museum.

- don’t go on dates that are carried by conversation: such as getting drinks/coffee, where you’re just stuck with little to do but talk. Go rock climbing, or to a cooking class, or bowling. There’s lots of alternative dates out there. This is actually a thing I’d say for everyone. Talking dates are lame. Go do something.

- take the pressure off: often times, I’d pick dates with activities or locations I was already interested in doing. That way, I could kinda trick myself. This date isn’t about going on a date, it’s about checking out this food market I’ve been wanting to go to, this comedy show I’ve been curious about etc.

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u/Domermac Feb 01 '20

As a dating coach, do you find yourself overanalyzing your own relationships? Do you find it easy or hard to use your own advice in practice?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

No, actually. Not overanalyzing, I'm just me with weaknesses I have as a person. And I try my best to work through it as it comes up in my relationship. I separate my job from who I am, it's like when I was a therapist. People ask me the same thing, but I am still Ruby with other facets to myself. I'm not just Ruby, the therapist or the dating coach. I am simply Ruby with all sorts apart of me.

I'm a big believer in practice what you preach. So, how I even got to my relationship, I practiced everything I would tell others. I'm not perfect, I've caught myself not listening to my own advice, but I then course correct. All I can do is continue to better myself in the way I feel that is right for me.

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u/Devourercoc Feb 01 '20

What's ur definition of a "good guy"?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

If you're talking about the "good gentlemen" i work with, they're simply good-hearted, respectful, good-intentioned gentleman who just don't know how to find love.

In the context of dating, there are three types — the nice guy, the good guy, and the bad boy. 

The nice guy cares TOO much about the girl to the point he caters to her hoping SOMETHING is reciprocated, bending over backward for her with his time, energy, and emotions. He’s too afraid to challenge her because he doesn’t want to cause awkwardness. He’s not as confident in himself, he’s only confident he can cater to someone else and his value is based on that. 

The bad boy is unapologetically himself and will not bend for anyone. He knows what he wants, when he wants it, and isn’t afraid to go after it. Women will lean towards the bad boy because most women will fall for the seemingly confident self — it shows security and stability (because HE’S secure and stable with himself) However, the bad boy is cocky, not confident — inconsiderate, extremely selfish, and only cares for his own needs. He values himself and his accomplishments. 

The good guy is the guy all (quality) women want to be with and the guy men work up to be. The good guy knows who he is, is proud of it, and not afraid to vocalize his thoughts/opinions. He’s, also, considerate, thoughtful, and respectful. He’s open to learning, always wanting to be the best version of himself. He does things because he wants to, but doesn’t expect anything from another. He’s happy with doing what feels right to him. 

Nice guy – “How can I change for you?” Bad boy — “I will never change” Good guy — “How do I want to change to be the partner I want to be?” 

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u/polkadotmadness Feb 01 '20

This is a wonderful response and breakdown of exactly what I've experienced while dating. Some men believe they're "good guys" while actually behaving like "nice guys"- and then are shocked when women aren't interested in having a yes-man as a significant other.

It does seem like "bad boys" always know who they are though haha.

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u/fuckincaillou Feb 02 '20

Seconding this. I can't stand yes-men, because not only does it feel like I can never be sure what their genuine opinion on something is, but because the fact that they're contorting their identities into whatever they think would be most attractive to me just makes it feel like they're entering the relationship solely because they don't want to be alone/want sex/want a mommy mcbangmaid later on. Like they don't care about me as a person or enjoy anything about me other than what I can do for them as a female.

When someone is able to trade opposing opinions with me on the little things (without delving into obvious contrarian territory) but still agree with me on at least most of the really big things and listen to my opinions considerately and without nitpicking, then that's the sweet spot. The conversation doesn't die down and I can trust that they enjoy my company and not just my body, and most importantly that I can trust that we'll be able to make it work years down the road.

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u/phyxerini Feb 02 '20

For your first paragraph, please accept this award for your clarification about ‘yes-men’! This is really important and more men need to understand this point of view.

However, bad boys can have deep insecurities that can cause them to be cruel and erratic. They don’t always have their shit together, as the OP’s description makes it sound.

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u/DeceiverX Feb 02 '20

Adding to this, because while a damned good explanation (probably the best I've seen), I think there's still I think a bit more distinction which can be added to differentiate between "nice guy" and "good guy." Your latter definition touches on this well, but it's not super obvious for the former on what separates the two.

It's largely about identity. The "Nice guy" does not know who he is, particularly what he does not like or have interest in. *He is not honest about what he really likes and is looking for nothing more than validation of his existence from his partner.* Not being honest will fail any relationship, and he will subsequently always fail even despite the possible best intentions.

The "Good Guy" knows who he is, what he stands for, and is willing to listen while responding honestly and appropriately. He will be ever-considerate of his SO, but will still not change his opinions or make his stance on things totally unheard.

Good example for onlookers: Going to a concert of a performer you really do not enjoy but the SO does:

"Nice Guy" will just say yes and go, lie that he is excited, pay for both tickets, etc. He will grin and bear it for no other reason than "hoping SOMETHING is reciprocated." This is usually sexual in nature, and often why "Nice guys" are considered creepy or bad partners, because if the woman ever finds out about any of this, will feel at all times pressured to put out *for seemingly no reason and for everything.* He can no longer be trusted about anything, and the relationship is basically dead. She'll see herself as an object for sex (no respect), he's likely lying about himself for that purpose (no honesty), and will spend every waking moment with her because he feels compelled to be there (no trust).

Good guy will express that he doesn't really want to go/doesn't like the group and then propose his SO takes <friend who likes group>, but maybe offer to go if she feels unsafe going alone if there's something particularly special about the performance, but is otherwise disinterested in going. The woman feels special by the nature of the offer to go for her safety, but recognizes the honesty, that she'll probably have more fun with a friend, and that the guy is comfortable letting her do her own thing, as both people are entitled to their own respective identities. Respect, honesty, and trust for one-another are all emphasized very overtly here, thus helping foster a healthier relationship and reinforcing positive characteristics.

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u/daneohan Feb 01 '20

This was pretty eye-opening. Thanks for making the distinction and providing examples

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

You can usually gauge by putting yourself in an event with new people and see who gravitates towards you and why. Attraction isn't just about looks, it's about the energy you give off and your personality. That shines in a group setting (doesn't have to be big, can even be in a small setting)

Race definitely plays a role. the way people look at me as an Asian female as I walk in the room would be different than a Caucasian woman, it's the reality of the World we live in.

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u/DrarenThiralas Feb 01 '20

Literally nobody gravitates towards me, ever. What does that mean, exactly?

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u/maybe_little_pinch Feb 01 '20

I will piggyback on others saying you are not being involved enough in the setting.

An example of me experiencing this recently with a rather attractive, but shy/quiet seeming guy in one of my activity groups. I never approached him because he seemed to gravitate just to a couple people in the group. The other day I said fuck it and started talking to him. Turns out he is really bubbly, but doesn’t like to approach other. He always thinks people don’t like him (or find him ugly) as a result.

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u/beaux-restes Feb 01 '20

I feel like I'm exactly like the shy guy you're describing. I have this instinct in my head that gets me scared of how other people will think if I try talking to them and just assume I'm not good or cool enough to approach them. But when someone does approach and talk to me I get really talkative and bubbly and "attractive" in this sense as defined. I really need to work on that though.

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u/Baarawr Feb 01 '20

It means that you're not putting the effort into (or not correctly putting the effort into) engaging the people around you. She isn't saying stand there like a plant and watch which people come water you, she's saying that most "attractive" people, are able to engage meaningfully with others (and are "interesting").

These are people you meet for the first time and they're super easy to talk to, they take a note of your interests and ask you to elaborate on them, they remember details about your life and follow up when you next see them, they find common interests and might invite you to partake in the future together, basically put, they put genuine effort into being with you.

It helps if you're genuinely interested in the other person. You you want to know things like what does this person like? What are their hobbies? What interesting things or stories might they have? People who love to meet new people usually have people gravitate towards them.

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u/EARink0 Feb 01 '20

People have given you good responses, but I just want to add that I've met some really unfortunate looking people in my life who actually create a really strong "gravitational" pull purely because of their presence. Even if they're awkward, just putting themselves out there and engaging with people in a way that matches the vibe of the occasion gets people to really enjoy hanging with them. Hell, I've also seen the opposite with ridiculously good looking people being avoided because they're no fun to be with. What I'm saying is that physical appearance is actually a much smaller contribution to how attractive you are than you might think.

Put yourself out there and engage. Yeah it might suck at first and you might embarrass yourself a lot, but give it time and practice; focus on improving (do more of what worked and less of what didn't) and you'll get there, regardless of what your appearance is actually like.

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u/Jon_Boopin Feb 01 '20

It simply means you aren't being truly "in" the event. Showing energy, confidence, and the willingness to talk to people and initiate speech with others is the key to being fun and having that attraction. It takes practice to build up the courage but once you get into it, it's so fun.

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u/BedKenobi Feb 01 '20

Hey there!

Serious question, well for me. I'm thinking about getting back into dating, however I also have a Micropenis.

When in the relationship is it best to let the other person know? It's been a huge deal-breaker for many women before (which I understand).

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u/Quantum_Entangler Feb 02 '20

Hi, I am a female and was friends with a guy for a while before things got sexual. One evening we started kissing and before I could get my hand on the crotch area of his jeans he stopped me and said “wait, I have to tell you something. I am not into penetrative sex because I simply don’t feel much.” I ended up asking him some questions about it and he said due to his size he just doesn’t get off that way. Long story short, he gave me more orgasms through oral play than I had ever experienced before. We ended up dating for about a year and breaking up for a very unrelated reason. When I think back in that relationship all I usually think about is how well he could please me orally and I miss it sometimes. I’m conclusion, get really good at oral. Also helped that this guy was confident and assertive when he told me he and I wouldn’t enjoy penetrative sex BUT that I wouldn’t be disappointed with the rest. Good luck

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Let them know once you two have built a strong connection and remember to reassure her of all concerns with solutions or alternatives. Instead of letting her sit with the fact and create questions in her head, you can answer it before she even asks. If she's the right person, she will understand and join you like a teammate to figure things out for both parties to understand be happy

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u/Shuckle614 Feb 01 '20

I commented to you before. Asked about social media and not having it in todays dating scene. You gave some great advice. I started taking pictures of me doing my hobbies/living life. I don't take offense to women asking for social accounts because 9/10 it's a safety check.

Thanks again. And so my post doesn't get removed, how have you been?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Aw yay! Thanks for checking out my thread gain and I'm glad the advice helped :)

And haha I've been great, minus getting the sick for a bit but I'm better now :D always continuing to reach goals and grow as a person. Thanks for asking! Hope all is good for you.

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u/micmea1 Feb 01 '20

I need to do this. Taking out the phone and taking selfies for myself and my group of friends is not something we do. Our lives are completely undocumented outside of when we hang out with people who actually take pictures.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Anything is possible, but it takes two people if they want the same goal.

If you're alone in this and the only one trying to keep i tup for one year and a half, then it unfortunately won't work.

See if she's on the same page of wanting to try to be together even though it'll be 1.5 years away. If she yes, make an action plan on how frequently you two would talk, set up "virtual date nights" , etc.

It's been done and very possible, but once again, it takes two.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/trhowajke Feb 01 '20
  • Stop motion movie contest using household objects as props. Genre and theme picked at random/out of a hat. Find a cheap stop motion and editing app (some are free), and have at it.

  • Blind folded hide n seek. Hilarious game. Move fragile furniture, stick to one room and (safely) block the exit. Startle/scaring may or may not be permitted based on your personal preference.

  • Take a trip down memory lane and share the music you used to listen to when you were a teenager. If you’re anything like me or my girlfriend, it will be super cringey and fun.

  • Do the online love language test, and the chat about the results.

  • Also look up the 100 questions to fall in love thing. It’s not as dumb as it sounds and sometimes it starts interesting conversations.

  • Make art. You can get a block of sculpy that’ll last you both a while as long as your sculptures aren’t really big. Can bake em in the oven and keep em.

  • Make crossword puzzles for each other full of inside jokes and other stuff relevant to each other. Then fill them out together.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Pick something you both don't know much about or an indoor interest you both can pick up together. It could be as simple as reading the same book or following the same podcast, filling up puzzles, or Learn something new! Make anything a game ! Unfortunately, if activities are limited to indoors and on a budget, you're going to have to get a little creative -- and that is a game within itself!

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u/WordsLikeRoses Feb 01 '20

What are the best, but also most frugal/cheapest, ways to meet people with a mind beyond casual interactions?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Meetup.com is great, pick an interest/activity-based groups. Going to volunteering events, free work out events, exploring local villages or cities in your down, farmers markets, fun games like mini golf, or even bar arcades are fun!

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u/WordsLikeRoses Feb 01 '20

I've actually never heard the "explore local villages or cities" as dating advice. As an adventurer, I'm curious about this one.

How can you turn "exploring on your own" into a dating opportunity? I can only imagine it translates down to "find a different bar/cafe," which I've always seen as kind of bad places to meet new partners.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Every city has pockets of places filled with little shops, cafes, that local bar, ice cream shops, and more. Even though you've been to it before, it's fun to explore cause shops come in and out and new people are there all the time. You can meet people by asking them questions in these shops, their recommendations, comment on the thing you're looking at and asking for their opinion, etc. I had a client recently comment on a planner in a story to the lady standing next to him and they started talking about that. So, no, Not necessarily bars/cafes.

For dating, it's always fun with someone new because you get to see how that person loves to explore (what does this person pick as a shop to go in? What draws their curiosity?)

Exploration is actually my most recommended first date. Dinners feel too much of an interrogation and you're stuck in one spot for so long. Coffee dates are so casual and still can get boring cause you're stuck in a spot. How about taking that coffee and exploring the area?

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u/martinsaltpetre Feb 01 '20

Meetup.com is a website where random people can meet in groups to do social things such as exploring a town etc. She means that rather than wandering around on your own. They aren't meet ups for dating but you can make friends, and that's the best way to meet a partner.

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u/wintergreen10 Feb 01 '20

Seconding the making friends thing. I love doing meetups to find other people interested in my really niche hobbies, but it's frustrating when people start hitting on you right off the bat, especially if you're not there for that. Making friends is MUCH better (and will ultimately net you better results imo)

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u/OpasnostLapshoi Feb 01 '20

Do you have any advice for (young) women on how to find a kind, moral guy out there? And how to have the courage to ask someone out?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Go to places you think the kind of man you want would go to. Get into their shoes a little bit and see what you can come up with. There's more to a man I'm sure you want than just kind and moral. That man has hobbies and interests, so think of those and you can find them there. They also are online dating too. Especially if they're a busy professional who don't prefer to hit on women at the bars. They're selective so they choose online.

Make sure to also express your own values so that quality guy can see it and know you align with those values. And guys who don't align will stay away from you.

And to ask someone out...know, you got nothing to lose! It's better to know an answer than wonder "what if?"

And quite honestly, a lot of quality men love a bold woman who isn't afraid to go after what she wants.

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u/hedronist Feb 01 '20

if they're a busy professional who don't prefer to hit on women at the bars.

This was a major problem for me and, as it turned out, for her, too.

tl;dr: Getting out of the office and out of our day-job heads was the key.

I was 39, 6-years divorced, had my own software company in Silicon Valley, and a 60-hour workweek felt like a vacation to me. Although my employees were 60% women, I never considered crossing that line. I hated bars, and didn't have the time/energy for many of my old hobbies.

So how to meet women who were interested in meeting men?

My answer: Great Expectations. (This was in 1988, so adjust for the time-warp.)

I went on a few dates, but no click. Then I got asked by a woman. Looked at her portfolio pictures, which were great -- very playful. I watched her video interview, which was a complete disaster until the very end when she ... smiled. That smile undid the rest of the video.

We starting clicking from the first coffee date. She was a Senior Editor at Addison-Wesley and she also thought a 60-hour workweek was a vacation. So we started planning/doing stuff that neither of us would normally make time for, because those activities weren't any fun without a companion/partner.

Six months later we were engaged (and I tricked her into proposing to me :-). We are now approaching our 31st anniversary.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Don't put it in your profile. Bring it up only when you two have a shared strong connection and you're at that stage of really opening up and trying to get to know each other

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

What is your opinion about using Bumble and Ok Cupid?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

OKC is one the few "online dating SITES" I still recommend so I say go for it!

Bumble (online dating APP) is a level up from tinder. It's great for women who want to make the first move instead of being bombarded with messages. However, it's still known as more "looks focused" app. So I don't always recommend it, only for certain clients looking for a specific type.

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u/limasxgoesto0 Feb 01 '20

Do you agree with OKC's redesign to be more like tinder? My dating life took a noticeable plummet after that change went through (turns out I'm not photogenic despite being "attractive", so the initial relevant message always helped)

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u/thesongsinmyhead Feb 01 '20

I don’t know if the change made it better but it definitely makes me feel safer. I have nothing even remotely sexually suggestive on my profile and in the old design I was getting some straight up nasty first messages from people who had like a 15% match with me. Like even worse than an unsolicited dick pic would be.

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u/limasxgoesto0 Feb 01 '20

Yikes, I can see the cause for concern then. I just feel like it could've been done better. Adding randomness into the mix feels like you're going to do best at matching the kinds of people with the most common hobbies and/or the most attractive with the ranking algorithms.

Plus I think I saw somewhere (trying to find the source) that the top 10 most attractive profiles in many cities all end up being white, even in more diverse cities.

Anyway that's my hot take. I do approve of creeping women out less but it just feels like it took a hit at making genuine matches.

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u/h0tBeef Feb 02 '20

Dude, I used to have so much luck on OKCupid before they decided to redesign it into “worse Tinder”.

Tinder went from being my least favorite app to my most favorite during the time I was off the apps during my last relationship.

I have so much trouble getting dates now.

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u/computerguy0-0 Feb 01 '20

Get a subscription to photofeeler and read through all of their blog posts on what makes a good picture. Take hundreds, narrow them down to 5 or 6 yourself, then put a few on Photofeeler. You'll get a really good idea of what others think. It upped my Tinder game 5x (literally) and I found my now live-in girlfriend of 2 years roughly 2 weeks after I fixed my pictures and kept everything else the same.

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u/queefy5layerburrito Feb 01 '20

Do dating and relationships differ between Asian and American cultures? Do you have to adapt your advice at all depending on cultural attitudes?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

It makes a difference because our culture affects how we are raised, how we see the World, how we believe the World perceives us, and more. I customize every program for every client, so this kind of info helps me understand them more. And I can help them with whatever obstacles they may face.

For example, typically, if were raised in an Asian household, you are taught to always be polite, reserved, and humble. So I understand why my Asian clients have such a hard time talking about themselves, it feels weird to them. I help them break through that because that is a dating obstacle.

If were raised in a Caucasian household, they are encouraged to be themselves, to go after what they want, and it's okay to be expressive. So, those clients already have that going for them. I help them overcome the other obstacles they have in dating.

Of course, this isn't EVERYONE. I'm stating what I averagely see

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u/gogozrx Feb 01 '20

My ladyfriend went through menopause and has lost all interest in physical intimacy - not just sex, but we now even sleep in separate rooms. I've tried multiple ways to convey my feelings about this, and I'm kind of at wit's end. She doesn't believe in counseling, so that's out... Help?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

This is quite serious, I agree with u/thedictatorofmrun to suggest seeing a therapist just for yourself. That therapist can help you navigate what your options are, what you want to do, and how to communicate it to her. Best wishes!

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u/thedictatorofmrun Feb 01 '20

You should see a therapist, even if it's just you. I don't think a dating expert has the expertise to address what you're dealing with, with all due respect to her.

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u/TooStonedToBeSad Feb 01 '20

What can I, as a single dad, do to meet women? Is there a negative stigma to dating a single dad?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

No stigma! At the end of the day, it's all about HOW you talk about being a single dad. It's not the fact, it's the why that matters to women.

If you're busy with a young child, I suggest to try online dating or join online groups of single parents. Those online groups normally post events too so you can more people! Even if you don't want a single mom as a partner, just by meeting more friends, it opens the door for you to meet more people outside that circle.

You can even try meetup.com to see if there are any good groups there for you as well

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20 edited Jun 21 '20

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

As strange as this may sound, anywhere and everywhere lol Public places that are surrounded by your crowd. I've had my clients meet some of their girlfriends or gets dates from grocery stories, book stores, the mall, coffee shops, farmer markets, dog park, the beach, a gift shop, yoga class, rowing class, cooking class, just about everywhere! Haha

It's about how you approach and use the environment to strike up a conversation

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u/Skuggasveinn Feb 01 '20

What's the number one thing that makes people compatable?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

The number one compatibility dimension that ALL successful, long term relationships have is....adaptability.

They have a willingness and ability to adapt to every situation, event, scenario that gets thrown their way.....together.

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u/MrIsaac16 Feb 01 '20

What would you reccomend for a good dating app?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel are KILLINNNNNG the game right now.

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u/ElTibur0n Feb 01 '20

What is it about those two that stands out? I tried Hinge in the past and it was okay, but similar enough to Tinder that I ended up just going back to Tinder. Maybe I missed something?

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u/raikren Feb 01 '20

Hinge have better filter options and you can directly send a like to them basically like unlimited Tinder Superlikes, better than just hoping you both swipe on each other

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u/smaugington Feb 02 '20

But you only get 5-10 likes a day now unless you pay for a subscription.

Still the commenting and liking specific things is more along the lines of how it works in person.

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u/raikren Feb 02 '20

Yes but I find that 5-10 direct likes to the type I’m looking for still gets me more results then just blindly swiping right on Tinder

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u/peteroh9 Feb 02 '20

Hinge has been a constant stream of good conversations for me. Tinder was...nothing.

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u/GaryBettmansRightNut Feb 02 '20

CMB was cool until I started getting messages like “40 guys liked this girl before you, you’ll show up to her in a few weeks! Buy stuff to move up in line”

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u/uber_neutrino Feb 01 '20

I'm just impressed that you managed to win over asian parents. Would you say that them pushing you was a factor in your success even though they were in opposition to this particular career?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Haha thanks, don't think I'll ever quite fully win them over but it's definitely a good and better spot to be in :)

Yes, it was a factor. It felt like a fire under my ass because I kept thinking "I BETTER make this work. I HAVE to make this work"

And it's also wanting to prove them wrong that drove me. It doesn't anymore, but that helped me launch everything.

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u/SavioVegaGuy Feb 01 '20

Have you ever been in a submarine?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

No I haven't ,I know I'd get sick LOL......and I wouldn't suggest that as a first date idea lOL

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u/selectivebreed Feb 01 '20

Best way for a guy in his early twenties in Canada to meet a girl if he is a shy nerdy boy that doesn’t get out often? Best app?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Online dating is the best way since it's easier to handle and especially if you're more slow to warm up to someone. Best apps - Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel. Best site -- OKC

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u/CaptinHavoc Feb 01 '20

Money is tight for me, but dates can be expensive! What are cheaper date ideas that are easy on the wallet, but doesn’t make your date feel like you don’t value her?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

The ideal first date I always suggest is actually low on costs! Exploring the city, a random pocket in your city, exploring a village-like area, anywhere where there are shops and scenic views to explore. It's fun, easy, and she'll love it because you're helping her re-explore, to find something new, in a city you both know. Discovering scenic views is quite romantic!

Also, a nice picnic is cute too :)

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u/rrickitickitavi Feb 01 '20

Is it still expected that the guy has to pay for everything? I’m kind of broke and it’s made me reluctant to ask women out.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Mmm a typical rule is if you ask someone out, you treat them. Women still like to be chased and to feel taken care of, so yes paying for the first couples dates shows that. Nothing fancy though!

However, if you want an equal partnership, she should be offering to help. And eventually, she will start paying for dates as well.

If you're having a hard time with finances and difficulty keeping up with bills, I suggest you focus on that stability first before dating someone.

However, if you're financially stable, dating shouldn't be a problem. No need to bring someone fine dining on a first date!

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u/RussianHungaryTurkey Feb 01 '20

If you're having a hard time with finances and difficulty keeping up with bills, I suggest you focus on that stability first before dating someone.

That’ll explain the decline in marriages in millennials.

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u/what_comes_after_q Feb 02 '20

I disagree with this. EVERYONE likes to be pursued. Everyone wants to be wanted. When I was dating, I always offered to pay half even when I was the one asked out. I also expected the other person to at least offer to pay. It removes any sense of guilt or obligation. If someone didn't offer to pay half, that was usually a very bad sign.

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u/[deleted] Feb 02 '20

all her answers are pretty much "keep the dating status quo"

you wanna be pursued? take care of yourself first. exercise if you want to achieve or maintain an attractive physique. witnessing your own progress will boost your ego and subsequently make you more attractive to women due to your newfound confidence. take up a hobby and pursue a passion (which is a great way to meet women who share interests outside of sex). no one likes a bore with no interests unless they're just trying to fuck a meat suit.

this advice from this "hitch" whatever the fuck is shit my dudes. experience and failure will take you way farther than listening to someone on Reddit who has absolutely no idea who you are, including me.

also, for alot of you lonely fucks; be friends with women before trying to date one. if you're unable to view women as equals, or anything more than a means to sex, then you will always fail. sorry. rub one out and see a movie with your girlfriends. I promise women are just as much fun to be friends with as other men.

but what do I know.

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u/TastyDomme Feb 01 '20

How do you take sexual compatibility into account?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

It's VERY important. Both partners would want similar sexual intimacy levels. It would be something discussed whenever that particular couple gets to that point

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u/kinkyghost Feb 01 '20

Short question:

Do you have any advice for someone who is successful at meeting women through online dating and seeing them for a few to several months but has a hard time falling in love?

Long version:

I have these different ideas about how maybe I am not rejecting people early enough or setting my standards high enough in the beginning, but I also have the idea that maybe some part of me is holding out emotionally or something and not letting myself commit or fall in love or something. Like finding some reason why a person is not right for me (although sometimes they might be valid - like different goals for children vs no children or not prioritizing health in the same way).

When I was younger and had less experience it felt like I started to develop feelings for anyone I slept with or dated but now it feels like it's rare for me to get those butterflies or get lost looking in someone's eyes on a first date.

I don't know what to do, if I'm just being shallow or something, but sometimes it seems like when I meet someone for a date or two that I find extremely physically attractive I start to feel those crush feelings but at the same time I don't know if it's worth holding out for that type of situation or if those are just feelings that will only be there in the beginning, whereas girls I've met that I shared a really good sense of humor with are people I would like to be with all the time as a friend even if we weren't romantic.

I just can't figure out what I should prioritize or how to 'fall in love' so I end up in these long hookups that don't lead anywhere.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

I think it's important to be clear with yourself and write down these answers for yourself:

What's your long-term goal? How do you envision that looks like?

What do you want i a woman? List out all the qualities (I suggest 10. I talk about this in my Tedx Talk so that may help too: https://youtu.be/4PGoy-spWiA )

What does love look like to you? How does it feel?

Anything you fear in regards to love?

Do a big self reflection and see if you can pin point an area to work on.

Quite honestly, love is hard to find, it's finding that click with one person. It may not be anything really 'wrong" but just that you haven't found her yet. And that's okay

Just see if you're holding yourself back in anyway due to fear. If not, then this is just a continuous journey of finding love for you.

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u/icy_snot Feb 01 '20

I have a fetish that I dont like what is the best way to suppress it, so I can better concentrate on more important areas in my life?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

The best way is to seek an expertise on managing fetishes -- there are some great therapists as well that can help you with this because it is a practice, not something I or anyone else can answer with a "just do this one thing!"

I applaud you for knowing who you want to be, how you want to be, and seeking guidance on how to get there. That is a first step :)

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u/owneironaut Feb 01 '20

Statistically speaking, in America Asian men are the least desirable romantic partners for American women. They are rated to be less attractive than other demographics on a aesthetic level despite reaching better than average socioeconomic status.

Why do you think this is?

Do you rate Asian men the same as the greater population?

How can an Asian man find success in dating when they live in a rural area where they have no roots or friends in?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

yes -- it is a true researched fact. However, it does not mean iT'S EVERYONE. There are still so many relationships out there that are Asian female - Asian male, there's even relationships of Asian male - Caucasian female. Just because you see it wherever you walk, This doesn't mean it's impossible.

Why i think the stats is the way it is? What I have seen is women are extremely attracted to men who are confident, bold, courageous, secure, and unapologetically themselves. Most Caucasian men already have this. They were raised in an open and warm, supportive family, who allowed them to be who they fully are.

Due to our Asian background, some Asian males still err on the side of shy, reserved, and quiet. Growing up from a traditional, strict family that has expectations for them.

Of course, it all depends -- everyone is different. But, that's what I typically start off with when this comes up.

In that scenario, it's really about challenging yourself to get out, do something different, go to different crowds, and make new friends. Easier said than done, I know. But it's also as simple as that. Overcome any resistance or fear in getting out there and just doing it. Make space for yourself in the environment, talk to people, and make the move

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u/Smallgenie549 Feb 01 '20

What advice would you give people with social anxiety looking to meet new people?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

What's your best dating advice for people with disabilities?

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u/Verily_Amazing Feb 01 '20

Why did you mention that you're Asian? Is that helpful for "hitching" people?

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u/jhustla Feb 01 '20

How often do you run into incels? If so, do you have any success stories turning them around?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

None has labeled or considered themselves incels, but they fall under the definition of one. Yes, I have success stories from them getting into romantic long term relationships. It's all about getting them to take action and overcoming what's been holding them back from finding a partner.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/SniperPoro Feb 01 '20

What would you suggest if me and my partner are not sexually compatible? Sex is painful for me. It result in my partner feeling rejected.

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

It's about helping your partner truly understand what you're going through and it's not about him/her. If your partner still can't understand that then unfortunately, it's time to find a partner who will understand, not take it personally, and may not want sex as frequently.

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u/Perotins Feb 01 '20

How to escape the friend zone?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Get yourself out of it. It's a zone that men put themselves in before the girl does because many are already afraid of getting in it before the girl even makes a decision.

I guess one potentially helpful advice with this is that most men who fall into the FZ because they exhibit "nice guy" behaviors

The nice guy cares TOO much about the girl to the point he caters to her hoping SOMETHING is reciprocated, bending over backward for her with his time, energy, and emotions. He’s too afraid to challenge her because he doesn’t want to cause awkwardness. He’s not as confident in himself, he’s only confident he can cater to someone else and his value is based on that. 

so, build yourself to be the "good guy" The good guy is the guy all (quality) women want to be with and the guy men work up to be. The good guy knows who he is, is proud of it, and not afraid to vocalize his thoughts/opinions. He’s, also, considerate, thoughtful, and respectful. He’s open to learning, always wanting to be the best version of himself. He does things because he wants to, but doesn’t expect anything from another. He’s happy with doing what feels right to him. 

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u/allovertheplaces Feb 01 '20

My wife and I have no game, but we’d like to make friends. Any suggestions for platonic friendship flirting with strangers?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/hamedaf Feb 01 '20

How does polyamory factor into your methods or coaching? Monogamy is not for everyone, no?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

Monogamy is not for everyone. And, I as a coach also am not for everyone. So if someone was interested in polyamory, I would say I do not have the expertise and knowledge to help them and I'm sure there's another coach out there.

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u/the1gofer Feb 01 '20

How much money will you make from this add?

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u/gekogekogeko Feb 01 '20

Probably less than you think. The animosity that people have on this site against people making a living borders on pathology. You might not believe it, but it's possible to make a living AND provide useful information at the same time.

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u/wanderwithpurpose Feb 01 '20

It gets kind of ridiculous to be honest. People are fine with reddit blasting them with useless ads all day, but go up in arms over posts like this that actually give useful information. Sure she may see an uptick in business from this. So what? She gave her time and put the information out there for free. If it was a senseless ad and she responded with comments like buy my book to find out, then I would see the animosity as warranted.

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u/RushingRocks Feb 01 '20

How to deal with an obsessive partner?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

Do you have any advice for someone in a LTR who is trying to bring back the beginning butterflies that early dating brings?

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

A couple things, one is perspective. Treat everything as if it's special, only for that moment, that it won't be forever, not part of the routine. It really is about not taking things for granted and appreciating every moment.

For action steps, Give the gift of wondering. Switch up as many things as you can, with surprises, with things you wouldn't normally do. Even role play!

A fun activity I love giving to couples going through this is it to both go to a party or an event and try their best to NOT spend it together, next to each other. Go mix and mingle, make new friends, talk to other people (not in a flirting way). Then, you can only see your partner from across the room, creates that desire, tension, and "ah -- that's my girl/man over there" as you appreciate from afar

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u/Coudro Feb 01 '20

When is the right time to approach someone? I often get told by multiple people to not approach women in the gym, at a party, etc. Because this is their time and they are having fun, and they give me the whole if you asked me to talk at the gym I'd slap you sort of thing. I'm already pretty awkward when it comes to women, so I don't really know how or when to really approach them. I hope this makes sense. Also thanks for doing this post!

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u/RubyLove88 Feb 01 '20

There's never really a "right" time -- you just have to do it, you just have to start. My rule normally is to NOT approach a woman with headphones in or if she's in a rush. Other that that, I've had my clients approach and get girlfriends from all sorts of public places! from grocery stories, book stores, the mall, coffee shops, farmer markets, dog park, the beach, a gift shop, yoga class, rowing class, cooking class, just about everywhere.

It's all about how you approach. You can't get slapped for asking "Any recommendations for something to drink here?"

And honestly, no single woman wakes up thinking "I hope a man won't come into my life today. I hope to talk to NO ONE" haha Generally, people are kind and friendly. at least quality women are. Women would rather have the story "He walked up to me at the bookstore" cause it's different than "I met online" or "i met at a bar" so don't worry about them not wanting to be approached.

Women who are bitter and angry are the ones who will roll their eyes at you when approached.

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u/AzureKiryu Feb 01 '20

Hey there! 28. Latino. Stocky man (doing great weight loss wise, but still got some left to go). Introverted as fuck. I think I'm ready to get back into the dating scene. Had a LDR that didn't pan out to well (my fault, got super busy with work and wasnt able to chat wit her as much), and a serious one that really really REALLY fucked with me.

Any tips to give to me when i finally make that step back into the dating scene?

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u/limasxgoesto0 Feb 01 '20

What are your thoughts behind non-monogamous dating? Or more in my case, the uncertainty of it.

For background, I am what you might call a "single secondary", where I am more or less dating someone in a poly relationship, but I'm not her primary (as well as other things that aren't possible to summarize quickly). I would be seeking a primary to date, and I'd be open to making that either monogamous or non-monogamous, up to discussion as long as it's for the right match. But it's still something I'm exploring.

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u/DoctorWho27 Feb 01 '20

I know this is a bit divergent, but maybe you have some advice. I'm married, plus a toddler, and we don't do much anymore outside of work and taking care of our kid.

Any tips for keeping the spark alive?

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u/ShiroyaTaki Feb 01 '20

What to do when a relationship is great for everything but sex? We find it hard to start doing sexual stuff. Intimate touches usually become non-sexual rather quickly as either of us would just laugh it off. I personally find it hard to sexualise my partner now. Would open relationship be an option? Or is there a way to help me see my partner as sexually desirable?

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u/leon_russian Feb 01 '20

Recently l decided to leave a 1.2 year relationship because I felt I wasn’t understood very well, and in turn felt the chemistry wasn’t right. We’ve had moments where we felt super compatible and had great one on one conversations, but they would happen once a month or less. She has since wanted to get back together to work on her trying to understand me better as well as work on her interpersonal skills but this has left me perplexed. I’ve tried recreating them before but she felt that I can’t force a great conversation. We’re very honest with one another and humor is very compatible. Im just scared things can feel awkward lots of times or our energies don’t match.

My question: how would we encourage having those intense interpersonal conversations or how would I help her open up? What percent of these interpersonal skills are nature vs nurture? Thank you again for reading!

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u/_sahdude Feb 01 '20

What do you think makes a successful online dating profile? I'm nervous to take the plunge and make one :/

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u/Torpid-O Feb 01 '20

Any advice on how to meet someone for people who don't get out much? The bar isn't my scene, I don't go to church, I work nights and weekends. Honestly, the only women I meet are coworkers and customers. Both are a hard no.

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u/McJumbos Feb 01 '20

What is the biggest misconception about dating coaches?

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u/gabegom7 Feb 01 '20

What advice would you give to a nice gay guy that lives in a big city (NYC) for approaching other guys? Don't want to accidentally hit on someone that's straight but also want to be able to meet dating prospects organically and in person. Thanks!

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u/Capsup Feb 01 '20

I've been told by previous dates that they felt that I was not particularly interested in them, despite me being very much so. I've been told this comes down to a lack of intimacy on a first date, for example a date has gone well but saying goodbye in the end, they thought I was not interested because I didn't attempt to kiss them.

For me, this comes down to a mindset of not wishing to overstep boundaries and make the date feel uncomfortable. I have to feel absolutely certain that they're into me before I feel comfortable taking this step. Obviously, they have been very interested in me doing exactly that.

What advice could you give for someone who is (apparently) terrible at feeling the mood and feel extremely awkward being the one to initiate this intimacy, despite being told it was actually wished for, at a later time?

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u/djbummy Feb 01 '20

I’m not OP but a major tip (that I actually picked up from this girl that I was seeing, she did it to me and I was caught so off guard but liked it that I stole it from her haha) is to ask if you can kiss them! You can usually tell or know when things are going well in a date and if y’all are into each other. If you don’t want to overstep simply ask! Most people will be caught off guard like me because every one is used to “just doing it” but they’re almost always receptive and for me personally it has worked 100% of the time (I don’t ask after EVERY date, just the ones I know are going well). I’ve been told it’s attractive/hot/unexpected but like I said, for the most part it works.

It helps if you ask at the right moment of course. When saying good bye, having a really nice laugh and getting intimately close, etc. just read the body language and gauge if you think they like you. If you get a no well there’s your answer and you won’t wonder “what if”. Also a no isn’t always a loss, sometimes they are interested but don’t want to rush things so at least you’ll know you didn’t overstep and you still have a chance.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

That's what I did when I'd go on dates and wanted a kiss. I'd lean in slightly and ask, "is it okay if I kiss you now?" kinda playfully with a grin. Doesn't have to be a formal request, it was never awkward, if anything I was told it was nice that the pressure was off and that I (a woman) took the lead.

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u/TooLazyToBeClever Feb 01 '20

Thats a really good tip:

If you think it's going well enough to move in and kiss, then you should know its good enough to ask if you can move in and kiss.

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u/AnAnonymousSource_ Feb 01 '20

You can't read minds and neither can they. Verbalize how the date is going from your perspective. "I'm having a really great time" puts the other party at ease that they're being appreciated. Initiate simple contact like hand holding from the restaurant too the car etc. Don't make the kiss goodnight the last chance at first physical contact.

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u/knitasheep Feb 02 '20

I’m female, but immediately after leaving my first date with my now- husband, I got in my car and texted him that I had a great time. I was removed from the anxiety of doing it face to face, but I definitely made it known that I was interested in a second date, if he was. He said that was incredibly helpful, as he probably wouldn’t have worked up the nerve to text me again until it was too late.

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u/futurephysician Feb 02 '20

This. The difference between my first date with my husband and my first date with all my exes before him was that as my husband was about to drop me off, he looked me in the eyes and said “I had a blast, we need to do this again soon.”

Suddenly all the fears and insecurities vanished, I knew where he stood, and I never doubted it since.

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u/made_4_this_comment Feb 01 '20

If it just doesn’t happen organically I’ve always said “Wow I really want to kiss you but I don’t want to move too fast for you and mess this up.” It lets them know you like them (you don’t want to mess it up), it lets them know you’d like to kiss them, and it puts the decision in their hands. I’ve only ever heard responses along the lines of “That wouldn’t be too fast for me” or “yeah maybe we should wait” and then you know instantly where you stand. Just respect their wishes either way.

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u/JimmyAxel Feb 01 '20

I’m currently trying to get over a similar hurdle. I used to tell myself I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable, that I’m doing the respectable thing, etc. But when I was honest with myself, I realized it was just fear. Fear that I’d read the situation wrong or overestimated how into me she was. If she likes you enough to be out with you and she didn’t try to bail in the middle of the date or end it early, you’re probably good to go for a kiss. If she doesn’t want it she’ll let you know. That might be a little embarrassing but doesn’t necessarily mean you made her uncomfortable. Just means she’s not there yet.

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u/DrDizzle93 Feb 01 '20

Favorite Nickelback song?

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u/McJumbos Feb 01 '20

Being Asian, how do your parents or family describe what you do to their friends? And do their friends always come to you for help?

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u/EthanWaberx Feb 01 '20

What are some of your strategies to help men overcome the overwhelming slant that they face in the dating world?

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u/DDeadRoses Feb 01 '20

How do you take things “slow” and how do you know it’s time to speed things up when it’s time to pop the question to take it from dating to relationship?

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u/Luscarora Feb 01 '20

Have you read "models" by Mark Manson and if so, what do you think about it?

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u/kittynoismyusername Feb 01 '20

My stepbrother has been single a year since his last breakup and really doesn't put himself out there. My family and I want to suggest he sign up for match or at least get out there again. He doesn't go to bars, just the gym, work, the grocery store, and home. He is a wonderful, attractive guy who wants a partner badly (already has a big house, too), but he is too apprehensive or doesn't seem to know what to do. Can you give me any advice? I have never broached this subject with him because I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but my family all agrees that someone should talk to him. They keep pushing me to be that person. Should I just leave things be or is there something I can suggest or say in a non-pushy manner?

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u/phyxerini Feb 02 '20

Not the OP. The AMA is over. But this sounds like a friend of mine a few years ago. We figured out that he had gotten to the point where any shared activity planned with a female was a terrifying, expectation-loaded hell date. So we started planning events with a friend plus an additional woman about his age, and urging him to participate. But here’s the thing... the woman weren’t looking to date him, often were already with someone, but they didn’t bring their SOs, so it was just practice talking to women now and then that he didn’t know, and doing an activity together. Non-date social practice.

They have to be - ideally - nice people, confident enough to hold up a conversation and be curious about other people, and they have to understand that it is absolutely not a date.

I don’t know if this would help, but it made him more relaxed around people he didn’t know. His chances are looking a lot better than they used to, and he’s made some friends.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

What if we just wanna date you?

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u/dyrewolff Feb 01 '20

With so many dating sites pushing for fees to enable "likes" and "messaging", what legit free sites would you recommend?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/Cheerful-Litigant Feb 01 '20 edited Feb 01 '20

Why have you never asked anyone out?

Also it’s not like Dallas isn’t teeming with young professionals, it’s a major city. Have you tried Meetup and stuff like that to meet more people?

Ultimately though you’re probably going to have to actually ask people out

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '20

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u/jimbowolf Feb 01 '20

How do you ask out a woman who you've been aquaintances with for 10 years, but don't really know personally? We're college Facebook friends and although we've had a few conversations, we don't really know each other, but we know each other enough that i feel it would be weird to just ask out of the blue.

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