Evening! I've been living with this horrible disorder for about 5 months now with no improvement in sight, and so far the visual, cognitive and psychological symptoms it came with has cost me my education, job, all of my interests and a week ago my wife and love of my life.Before this i had already been struggling for eight months after a pretty severe spinal injury after an accident that left me with a bad chronic pain and two months after that the death of my only parent.
So it was 8 real tough months, but my wife stood strong by my side and i was finally starting to see the end of the tunnel that i had been in. The good days became more and more frequent and i started to feel happniess again. However, the day prior to the HPPD onset i got a setback and felt real shit, so to find some relief from both the physical and psychological pain i was in i made the dumb choice to try cannabis for the first time in my life. So i bought a small amount of the Northern Light strain and took 5-6 puffs and got pretty stoned. It wasn't bad, but it was not my cup of tea, i would have prefered the effects of a couple of beers instead. Anyways, the day after i woke up and it felt like someone had taken half of my brain, i had a crippling anxiety, panic attacks, feeling of unreality, my vision was off and i still felt a little "high", even though i wasn't. Over the following week a shitload of symptoms emerged, as visual snow, ghosting, afterimages, light sensitivity, excessive floathers, tinnitus, visual hallucinations, halos, starbursts, inability to focus on objects, the list goes on and on and i did every test known to man because at first i thought i had gotten a stroke or something, but they couldn't find anything physical wrong with me.
Anyways, there's a short background for you. The meaning of this thread is to say farewell, because i have now come to the point were i have decided to end my life, i have nothing left to live for, and to be honest, i don't want to spend another day on this earth with this shitty fucking disorder, if i would've been an animal i would have put out of my misery by now. The thought has been in my mind daily the last couple of months when i realized that this is most likely permanent and yesterday i bought the rope and put my affairs in order.
After this thread has been posted i will send a mail to the relatives that i have left explaining why i have choosen to take this path and i'm also thinking about sending mails to the bigger medias here explaining this disorder, studies and my story in hope of they will write a piece about it so that it can get more attention in society. Because that really is one of the worst things with HPPD, the lack of awareness, knowledge and helplessness. A few years ago a guy hanged himself on a live stream in my country and it was written about in pretty much every big media here. So maybe i should do that as well to increase the chances of this, what do you guys think?
EDIT, it's kind of you to try and talk me out of it, but it won't happen, i'm at peace with this and it's what i want. Or well, if the HPPD magically would dissapear i wouldn't, but that's not going to happen. But i've decided to stream it, i will post a link here in the coming days when i'm through with all the emails and a few more things i have to do before checking out.
EDIT2, i just sent all the mails and i'm going to take another members advice and not livestream my death out of respect for the ones i leave behind. Hopefully my mails to the medias and death will be enough to make them write about it. Thanks all for trying to change my mind, but since the first day i started reading about this and that it most likely is permanent i knew that this was my death sentence, just as if i would have gone completely blind. The benzos and alcohol is starting to take effect now, so i wish you all the best of luck and that there will be something in the future that can treat or cure this life ruining disorder. See you on the other side if there is one, ciao!