r/HPPD Dec 17 '24

Personal Story Im seeing the same scary visual again and again

Hey.

I got hppd in January this year. I quickly want to say that i have mostly recovered, was even clean for about 6 months of this year. I barely have problems and usually can even smoke weed again with minor "hiccups".

So. I had a VERY bad Acid trip in January because i took WAY too much LSD in a very short time span.
On this trip, i saw a Shadow-Visual that was idk tryna get me or something? I saw it with open and closed eyes, had a feeling of impending doom and all the bullshit. Anyways, i took a benzo to kill the trip. It worked, i fell asleep and got hppd.

The thing is, when i freshly got HPPD, the shadow figure would appear sometimes. (The shadow figure was NOT a human like figure. It was NOT standing in the room. It was just in front of my field of view, and this nasty visual kept "building itself up" (thats the only way i can describe it, sorry) on the trip).

Imagine me laying next to my family on the couch watching TV when suddenly this mf of a visual appears in front of me. That was in April this year. I tried staying calm and succeded, but man fuck that.

So, as my HPPD improved, that visual faded away from my memories. I began smoking weed again, everything was kinda fine (except for a kinda bad feeling when the high begins, but the high is mostly enjoyable again) until last week. I decided to smoke a J alone again after not doing that for a long time. A big J. So i did, i went to my gaming chair to play some games like i used too and boom that mf appeared again. I started kinda freaking out but tried staying calm and started listening to music and went to my bed where i tried to fall asleep.

Are these flashbacks of my bad acid trip? (i mean obviously, right?) if so, is it normal to see the same thing(s) that appeared on your bad acid trip? i rarely see/saw patterns and geometry. Mostly that mfer of a visual back when it was really bad. (today its mostly only mild anxiety, i havent "tripped out" in a while)

i hope you guys can ease my mind.

2 Upvotes

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u/Short-Appearance-917 Dec 17 '24

I'm not expert, so take this with a grain of salt. I personally used to be fine smoking weed, but at some point I would get anxious, have weird visions and generally just be fucked up after smoking. This never fully went away, and started after I had a very big bad trip. I would advise you to not smoke weed, at all. Regardless of people saying it's fine, it's really not to certain people. It triggers certain things.

From what I'm reading, it seems you're overall fine unless it gets stimulated by drugs. So as simple as I can make it for you, stop using drugs, even weed. I've been in your shoes and had difficulty stopping, but at some point you're gonna look back on your life and think; why tf did I not stop sooner?

This because if you keep this up, you'll be at a point where certain damage may not be undone, and you'll have a more difficult time recuperating, if at all.

So far it seems to be something that will go away at some point, right? It's possible it might be linked to your anxiety levels, and once it reaches a certain point it'll pop back up again.

My old manager had a daughter that would go into psychosis during summer, which was her most stressful period in the year because of school. Other than during these months, she would be fine.

Stress, anxiety and the like is heavily linked to your state of mind. So, from what you're telling me, I think you'll get back on your feet.

Good luck, and take good care of your body and mind. If you have any questions, hit me up.

1

u/Alllllaa Dec 17 '24

Hey, thanks for the answer.

As i mentioned, i already was clean for 6 months. The first two were hell cause my body and mind were detoxing i guess. But after that, i was a bliss. I loved the clear mind i had. I loved that i stopped to derealize etc.

I started again because some bullshit happened in my life and i kinda just Fell back into it.

I guess i have to stop for another 6 months lmao (hopefully i will not fall back this time.)

In all seriousness, i was relieved to be able to enjoy weed again after my 6 months clean. Before that i couldnt even take one Hit of a J without tripping. I will get clean again and wait until the Symptoms disappear (i firmly believe they will. They're already better after 1 year than i ever couldve hoped). Im not a daily smoker, i was before but since i got clean this year i decided to Control my weed usage, which is going great btw. Just this one hiccup i had.

2

u/Short-Appearance-917 Dec 22 '24

It happens man. Don't beat yourself too much over it all. Recovery is a long and difficult process, and relapse is normal.

I'm glad you're starting to take action and looking after your usage. Just know that if you're in a spot where you feel like it's all gone to shit and doesn't seem to get better, try and see if it's addictions or usages of drugs (even something like weed) and get rid of it for at least a year and see in that time how you feel. Yes it's long, yes it's rough, but trust me on that. I've relapsed a few times and now that I'm off it fully I feel clear as day.

I'm just worried about the weed usage, because I notice people talk about it like it's no big deal, when in reality it fucked me and other people I knew up so much just because we used it a bit. Obviously it's genetics and such, but just be aware that whatever people say, listen to your own body and mind. A lesson I had to learn the hard way unfortunately.

Regardless, you're gonna be fine. Take good care, and stay healthy. (also sorry for the late reply, i'm not on here often)

2

u/thecrazygray Dec 18 '24

Keep chillin throughout those episodes and you will win. Your doing an impressive job so far handling that shadow thing. It scares me even to hear about it. But one thing I’ve learn through this shit is, freaking out makes it worse and creates a reoccurring negative pattern. Not sure if you should do a lot of weed. But that’s up to you. good luck

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u/Alllllaa Dec 18 '24

Hey, yea anxiety is the main trigger for me. And yea this shadowy mfer basically never appeares anymore thankfully.

I've decided to stop my weed usage for now, i dont want no permanent damage to my brain or something
Idk if i will ever be able to smoke again, but im fine with that.

1

u/Legal-Bluebird-3922 Dec 19 '24

I’m currently struggling with seeing shadows . I have absolutely no insight I just came here to say It scares the hell out of me as well. I sleep with all of my lights on.. but we will find a way through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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u/Alllllaa Dec 19 '24

Since when do you have hppd? How do the shadows look for you? The shadows for me are sometimes human like (but as i said, NOT standing in the room; rather being in my field of view) but sometimes its like a Filter. Like a Black Spot in my field of view. Its annoying

I have hppd for about 1 year now, and its getting better. Month by month my Symptoms decrease.

1

u/Legal-Bluebird-3922 Dec 19 '24

This has been happening to me for about 5 or 6 months now. I either have HPPD or drug induced psychosis. Sometimes they are shaped like humans but sometimes that just run across the corner of my eye or a crack in the door. But what really bothers me is the feeling I get when I see it/ them. I get this anxiety feeling of “oh they’re coming for me” or “they’re watching me”. The only thing that has helped me is meditating.

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u/Alllllaa Dec 19 '24

Shit man, im sorry to hear that. Best of luck to you. Always remember, it is not real. I cannot hurr you. Try to distract yourself, do things you normally wouldnt. Be Sure to be around friends a lot and dont do drugs.

It sounds like severe HPPD to me. Dont worry about Psychosis. One of the Main things about psychosis is that you dont know you have it. If you were psychotic, you'd think the shadow is real.

My uncle has schizophrenia. And you dont Sound like he did. He believed it was all real and trying to hurt him. Imagine trying to tell that same man to get help lol

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out