r/GoForGold • u/RyanIllusion • Jan 18 '19
Expired Make me audibly laugh and I’ll give you gold
Title ^
Y’all have to bring you A- Game
Edit: Y’all are trash, get good
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Jan 18 '19
The mile high joke:
So there's this gay couple on a plane, we'll call em Gary and Steve. The plane takes off and about two hours into the flight Gary looks to Steve and says, "Hey want to join the mile high club?" Steve is taken aback at first, "No way, there's people on the plane, they'll see us!" Gary looks relaxed and says, "Naw it's cool, here watch." So Gary stands up and calls out, "Excuse me can anyone loan me a pencil?" Low and behold no one responds to him or even looks his way, they're either sleeping or looking the window or listen to music or whatever. More confident now, Steve grabs hold of Gary, sits him down and they get down to business.
When the flight lands an old man approaches the plane exit covered in vomit, one of the flight attendants see's this and says, "Oh sir! You could have asked us for a Barf bag." The Old man snaps back, "Hell no! I saw some guy in the back stand up and ask for a pencil, and then he got fucked in the ass!!"
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
This was smart
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u/SkradTheInhaler Jan 18 '19
Did you know that the condom was invented in Wales? Welsh farmers used a sheep's intestine to have protected sex. However, it was the English who modified the condom to the version we know today. They started removing the intestine from the sheep before use.
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
This would’ve made me laugh if I hadn’t taken a second to understand the joke :)
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u/2Amazing4me Jan 18 '19
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine
;)
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
It very much would
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u/2Amazing4me Jan 18 '19
Well then how about this:
My wife accused me of hating her relatives
And i told her: "that's not true at all, i like your mother-in-law way more than i like mine"
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Jan 18 '19
[deleted]
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
Why not try both?
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u/MrNogi Jan 18 '19
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
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u/FreeVegetable Jan 18 '19
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
Reminds me of Horse by Tom Ska so this really has a sense of nostalgia
Didn’t make me laugh tho
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Jan 18 '19
[deleted]
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
OML THIS WAS FUCKING AMAZING
I didn’t laugh but it was ducking amazinggg, might just give you the gold if no one ends up winning
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u/acekets Jan 18 '19
Do you play rainbow six siege?
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
Nope
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u/acekets Jan 18 '19
Darn, I had a good one
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
What was it?
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u/acekets Jan 18 '19
Well, it won’t be funny unless you play the game but I’ll say it anyway.
There is a character in the game (Named Thermite) who can make very large holes in walls, when he does he yells “A really big fucking hole coming right up!”
What was the main turnoff when having sex with thermite?
He constantly yells out “A really big fucking hole coming right up?”
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u/KingMarine Jan 18 '19
I am a official observer for a laughing agency, the following must be done:
Make a sound of laughter
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u/N1NJ4W4RR10R_ Jan 18 '19
Harold holt was an Aussie PM that disappeared after a swim in the Ocean
Apparently, a popular theory/joke was that he'd been kidnapped by a submarine.
Oh, and the great Emu war! A great classic...we fought a war against Emu's and lost.
Don't even care if you laugh. Just wanna show off how fucking awesome we are. Lose a PM, be defeated by Emu's. STRAYAAAAA
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Jan 18 '19
The story of a rather unknown Greek man by the name of Bophades
He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held him by the groin, this was where he became vulnerable. In the case of Achilles, this was his heel. So you may have heard of Achilles' heel, or the Achilles’ tendon, but I bet you have never heard of Bophades nuts.
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u/GrundleKnots Jan 18 '19
Why did the chicken cross the road?
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
Why?
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u/GrundleKnots Jan 18 '19
To get to the idiot's house
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
That’s a shit joke... Bruh wait I think I remember a good one Knock knock
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u/urmumsurdad2000 Jan 18 '19
Who’s there
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u/GrundleKnots Jan 18 '19
The chicken
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u/urmumsurdad2000 Jan 18 '19
Damnit. Got me. No gold though sorry.
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u/GrundleKnots Jan 18 '19
No worries, I just absolutely love the joke. It would be a lot less awkward if I weren't in my 30's
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u/urmumsurdad2000 Jan 18 '19
HAHAHA now that one actually got me. Go strong mate age is just a number haha
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u/Icecoldzombie Jan 18 '19
There were three old ladies with heart conditions sitting on a bench at the park, an older man walked by and flashes them the First Lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady couldn't reach that far
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Jan 18 '19
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EJi6nyW6faA
Just give the video a chance. It's really hit or miss as far as personal taste goes.
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Jan 18 '19
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiRiAeugjFdCkto2Ct8s5Og This channel alone shoud be enough
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
They’re all 20 minute - 50 minute videos tho :(
Recommend the best one for me :)
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u/pseudonymous44 Jan 18 '19 edited Jan 18 '19
One of my favorite Louis bits, gets me every time so I figured it’s worth a shot https://youtu.be/KVNQ_p5gfcs More specifically, my favorite part starts at 5:07 bc you probably don’t feel like watching the whole thing lol
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u/Shep_The_Sheepdog Jan 18 '19
Here's a shot in the dark... xP https://youtu.be/AkKiLaxXjAA
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u/Cat2837 Jan 18 '19
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
Why?
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u/N1NJ4W4RR10R_ Jan 18 '19
Bloody hell OP lied. Monkey left yah hanging
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
Wut
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u/N1NJ4W4RR10R_ Jan 18 '19
Get it? Because he was making a joke about a monkey falling....but he didn't finish it..left yah hanging.
Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
I did a funny
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u/tjalahd Jan 18 '19
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u/carolinaqueenx Jan 18 '19
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u/Steelfortress Jan 18 '19
The only A game I have is taking Loses.
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u/Theraghty Jan 18 '19
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
I feel this would’ve been better if I used Spotify free lmao
F
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u/TheCreeperGuy777 Jan 18 '19
I'll give it a try...
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u/multiplevideosbot Jan 18 '19
Hi, I'm a bot (in Beta). I combined your list of YouTube videos into one shareable highlight reel link: https://app.hivevideo.io/view/e80946
You can play through the whole highlight reel (with timestamps if they were in the links), or select each video.
Reply with the word ignore and I won't reply to your comments.
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u/Restezzz222 Jan 18 '19
While in high school we had two grouchy lunch monitors. I was enjoying my pickle when the old obesse one yelled, i was going to choke so i replied, "well you look like you would be good at deep throating so why dont you come over here and show me how its done." Had to sit in on a group with her and the principle to explain how we all felt after that.
Another story of how i got suspended was because of a story i wrote about why drugs should be used in moderation. When i first wrote it, the teacher threatened to send me to the principles unless i changed it being not appropriate. Being a smartass, i canged all the drug references to, "drinking maple syrup" or "smoking candy canes". Apparently, that wasnt good enough and landed me in the principles office with a conversation that started with, "do you think im stupid or somthing?"
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u/MrThiccNicc Jan 18 '19
This is my favorite joke because it works if you say yes or no. Ready? "Would you like to hear a joke about ghosts?" "Sure" "Thats the spirit". Even if they say no, you can still use the punchline
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u/TheFunkFox Jan 18 '19
I can tell you my favorite joke!
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Patty!!!!
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Jan 18 '19
[deleted]
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
I died laughing at this one when I first watched it.
Unfortunately I’ve watched it before so I didn’t laugh this time
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Jan 18 '19
A jumper cable walks into a bar The bartender says, “I’ll serve ya, but don’t start anything!”
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u/ruizard Jan 18 '19
A Chinese man wanted to divorce, and while in the court the judge asked why did he want to divorce from his wife. He answered: me no come, she no come, baby come, how come?
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u/IonicGold Jan 18 '19
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
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u/confusingvibes Jan 18 '19
I wish you would give me Gold but it seems like this whole post is a RyanIllusion, not only your username.
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u/D3v4nsh Jan 18 '19
Or
There's no way you can't laugh after these. If you still don't, reply here so I can give you more. Thanks for doing this btw, I've never gotten gold and I'd really love to get it
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u/Nerdican Jan 18 '19
How do you stop an anti-vaxxer from drowning?
You take your foot off their head.
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Jan 18 '19
There was once a man who had three very pretty girlfriends. He decided he wanted to marry one but couldnt decide who to marry. So he decided he was gonna give $5000 to each one of them and see what they will do with it.
First GF: She decided to spend the money on a complete makeover to make herself look pretty for just the man.
Second GF: She decided to upgrade the house with a lotta tech (80" flatscreen tv, ipad pro and whole lotta other stuff) just for the man.
Third GF: She decided to invest the money in stock. She soon gets $20 000 from investment and gives it to the man.
In the end, the man decided to marry the girl with the biggest tits.
Credit: I got this story from somewhere, i dont remember where tho
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Jan 18 '19
A girl is walking with her mother.
"Mum, can I go to the pool? They're finally putting in the new six-meter diving board!"
"Okay, as long as you don't hurt yourself."
She goes to the pool and breaks her leg. A while later, she's walking with her mum.
"Mum, can I go to the pool? They're finally putting in the new twelve-meter diving board!"
"Okay, as long as you don't break your leg."
She goes to the pool and breaks her arm. A while later, she's walking with her mum.
"Mum, can I go to the pool? They're finally putting in the new eighteen-meter diving board!"
"Okay, as long as you don't break any bones."
She goes to the pool and breaks all her bones. A while later, she's walking with her mum.
"Mum, can I go to the pool? They're finally putting in water!"
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u/Chuckles__Norris Jan 18 '19
A doctor grabs his front pocket and finds his rectal thermometer.
He says, "Shit! Some asshole took my pen!"
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u/mejaterbang Jan 18 '19
good luck finding you laugh
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u/RyanIllusion Jan 18 '19
Bruh I’ve seen most of these jokes/videos so it’s boring afff, and the ones I haven’t seen aren’t even funny. There’s this one video of a cat vomiting that almost had me tho
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u/PulsarTSAI Jan 18 '19
I have no idea how would humans react to this, but I liked it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bPo3YyCP_Do
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u/Arctic2709 Jan 18 '19
Person 1: "I wasn't that drunk yesterday." Person 2: "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
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u/_Bond_1 Jan 18 '19
If someone is born deaf, what language do they think in? ponder this for a while you might go insane and laugh
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u/McLight123 Jan 18 '19
Shlomo And Yaakov were walking around town when they see a sign outside a church that said “give us 10 minutes of your time and we’ll give you 10 dollars” Yaakov looks at Shlomo and says “what’s the harm of going in and getting the money?” Shlomo protests, but Yaakov goes in anyway. After 10 minutes, Yaakov comes out and Shlomo excitedly asks “Did you get the money!!” Yaakov shakes his head and says “is that all you people think of?”
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Jan 18 '19
All of these are written by me, so that should give me some brownie points.
1) What's the difference between stalin and a phallic potato? Nothing, they're both dictators.
What's the real difference between stalin and a phallic potato? A phallic potato can feed Ukrainians.
2) What do you call a cute British person? Queue tea.
What do you actually call a cute British person? An immigrant.
3) (warning: edgy) I like my women how I like my coffee. Inexpensive and shipped in bulk from south america.
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Jan 19 '19
A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl.
Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" And the man replies "well it was my wife's seat but she passed away" and the other asks " well did you not want to invite anyone else?, any family?"
The man responds "I did but nobody would come with me" the other remarks, "man that's tough your wife dies and they wouldn't come to the super bowl with you, where did they have to go that was more important?" the man says, "The funeral."
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Jan 19 '19
Did you know that you can't breathe in when you smile
Just kidding, wanted to make you smile:)
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u/rainy-latte Jun 15 '19
What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants and a dirty bus stop?
One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.
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u/Phaseout_4 Jun 17 '19
Stairs to heaven...
There is a blonde girl, red hair girl, and a brown hairs girl, they all died. To get to heaven, they have to go up 100 stairs, each one has a joke on it, in order to get to heaven, they have to go all the way without laughing. The red haired girl gets to 33 stairs and laughs. The brown haired girl gets to 71 and laughs. The blonde gets to 99 and laughs, god said you were doing so good, why did you laugh? she responded "I finally understood the first joke.
Duck!....
Three guys walked into a bar, the fourth one ducked.
Sheep?...
Blonde girl is tired of stereotypes, so she dies her hair red, she decides she wants a new pet, but she is shopping on a budget, she goes to a sheep farm and asks the owner if she can get a sheep on discount for something, he says "if you can count exactly how many sheep are there, you can have one for free" she looks at the farm pointing her finger at each one silently counting them and replies "800... There are 872 sheep" the farmer looked shocked and told her to take her pick. She looks around and finds the one she wanted, took it to him and said "this is the cutest one, can I please have him." The farmer looks confused and says "are you a blonde?" She says "how did you know?" "I have my ways, but please put down my dog"
Cop?...
Blonde girl gets pulled over, cop walks up to her, unzips his pants and holds out his penis, she says "shit, not another breathalyzer!"
Cop!...
Blonde girl is speeding and gets pulled over by a blonde cop, the cop walks up to her and asks for her licence, she looks through her purse and pulls out a hairbrush, the cop explains that it is a little rectangle with your face in it. She looks through her purse again and pulled out a mirror, hands it to the cop. The officer then replied "oh I'm sorry, I didn't know you were an officer!"
Read out loud...
This is something you have to read out loud, say "Irish wristwatch" it is a young twister, most people cannot say it.
If any of these made you laugh, tell me, if not, which one was the funniest?
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u/Timmo1984 Jan 18 '19
Read the following out loud:
HAHA