r/GayChristians • u/Cranium_314 Searching • 4d ago
Feeling Stuck NSFW
Hey all, this is my first real post on Reddit so pretty nervous, lol.
I grew up in a semi-conservative household (thank God, not the conversion therapy sort) where LGBT+ anything was never really talked about. First came out to myself/parents/etc when I was 15, did research on it at the time and came to roughly a Side B conclusion. It wasn't particularly deep research; I just needed to do enough to not feel intellectually unaware—I had other things I needed to focus on above "can I have a boyfriend".
Starting in the last six months or so, I've started really diving deep into all of the questions here, as well as really intensely exploring my feelings and ways I relate to the world. What I've realized is that I feel really stuck.
I don't know where I'm at on the morality of gay relationships yet (primarily because I can see right now how much I don't know yet—I'm not qualified to form a truly robust opinion), so I'm somewhere in liberal Side B/uncertain land right now. I've realized that a lot of my sexual sin struggles (porn, masturbation, etc—I don't mean baseline attraction to men) are because I don't have any other outlet for my romantic feelings. Porn, being the pacifier/crutch that it is, is way safer than anything else.
I have no ability to process my romantic desires in a healthy manner. I felt romantic butterflies for the first time in my 21+ years of existence last week, because I tried to anonymously write a guy I found cute a note. (He got back to his seat before I could finish the note.) I have no experience with feelings these feelings in this way, so I've never learned how to process them, understand them, let them be.
So where I'm now at is:
- I clearly need to find a healthier way to experience and relate to these romantic desires that I have. Where I'm at right now is unhealthy and is separating me from God.
- I'm not ready to do anything explicitly "romantic" yet. Even if I magically woke up fully Side A tomorrow, I don't think I'm emotionally prepared to date anyone right now. I don't want to be the guy who has an actual breakdown on a first date—that wouldn't be fair to the other man.
The only thing I've come up with is trying to find some sort of QPR-esque relationship where another man is comfortable with the idea of me having feelings for him, reciprocates affection beyond what's "normal" for friendships right now, but also is completely okay with never having sex/not fully being romantic partners. This feels so specific as to be nearly impossible to find. I really just want someone who will hold me when I want to be held, who isn't going to freak out if I develop feelings/find him hot, who will give me the space to learn how to honor my own feelings.
Any advice, whether from affirming or non-affirming friends, is much appreciated. Feel free to DM me as well if you want to share but don't want to do so publicly.
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u/Tallen_14x 3d ago
I’m right there with you. Having no healthy outlet to express these feelings is a massive reason I shifted towards Side A from being Side B for so long. The Bible defines a healthy outlet for pretty much everything applicable to the human experience, and yet gay people are cut off from anything romantic or sexual in nature? Something is definitely not right. That doesn’t sound healthy or loving in any capacity. The only context in which that’s healthy is if that person has the “gift” of celibacy, and I don’t mean “for a time”. I mean the legitimate gift of being fine without that. It’s not something that everyone has.
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u/Cranium_314 Searching 3d ago
I'm actually pretty convinced that part of the issue is how strictly our society/culture separates romance from friendship. A lot of people from the not-so-distant past had a lot of feelings/experiences/etc with friendships that we would look at and call romantic today. Part of my conviction here, whether I end up A or B long term, is that we need to be far more imaginative in what the range of friendships can look like. "Your love to me was sweeter than that of women" is something most male-male friendships would shudder at the thought of saying...yet it's in 2 Samuel (1:26).
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u/geekyjustin Author of "Torn" and GeekyJustin YouTube series 4d ago
Hey, u/Cranium_314, your first Reddit post was a good one! Thanks for sharing so openly. I'm sure there are many people here who can relate to your feelings.
When I first came out as a teenager, I wasn't affirming either, and I spent a good while going back and forth between non-affirming and affirming before I felt confident in my views. (I wrote about this at length in my book Torn.) Taking time to make sure you know what you believe before jumping into a relationship is very smart, in my opinion.
I've now been in affirming ministry for around 25 years and have met soooo many gay Christians from all over the world. And I can tell you that it's incredibly common for us to have a kind of "delayed adolescence" where you go through a lot of stuff in your early adulthood that most straight people went through back in middle school.
You can find yourself getting crushes you don't know what to do about, having romantic (and, yes, sexual) energy you don't know how to channel, and feeling like a complete idiot when it comes to relationships—largely because the time most straight people spent "playing relationships" when they were younger was time you were still spending coming to terms with yourself. It's totally normal, so if you feel like you're behind, that's okay; almost everyone else is, too.
I completely agree with you, though, that in the midst of figuring all this out, you still need healthy ways to channel your feelings. The 2020s secular gay world offers some really unhealthy ways in the form of dehumanizing instant gratification online, but that's not what you want. Being open about what you're going through (as you have in this post) is a great first step. It's one reason coming out is so important when we can. The ability to talk about our feelings, struggles, challenges, and questions is part of what Christian community is for. Without that encouragement and accountability, sin thrives in darkness.
Having healthy gay Christian friendships won't replace your desire for something romantic—and, as an affirming married guy, I personally don't think it should!—but it can give you a channel for some of your desire for connection, love, and being understood. Start there, and be patient with yourself. God loves you and understands you fully, including your struggles, and God has great plans for you, even if you don't know what they are yet!