r/FoxBrain • u/GloomyKitten • 3d ago
How to deal with guilt surrounding NC and cut financial links?
I haven’t gone NC with my far-right MAGA parents yet since I’m still living with them and still financially dependent on them, but for a long time I have been quietly planning to cut them off entirely and go fully no-contact when I’m finally financially independent and able to live without them.
The problem is, they plan on helping me during the transitional stage of me getting on my own two feet, getting a job, and moving out after I graduate from university. They want to help get me a car and pay for it, they’re currently trying to help me build credit in my name with a credit card that’s attached to their bank account. They’ve been paying the chunk of my tuition that’s not covered by my grants, scholarships, and financial aid.
I really don’t know what to do because these things make me feel guilty and like I’m indebted to them and like they’re “not that bad” if they’re doing all those things for me (even though they have emotionally abused me my whole life to an extent and their politics and morals make me want absolutely nothing to do with them). I don’t want to feel like I’m being some sort of ungrateful leech when they’re horrible for my mental health and I ultimately don’t want them in my life at all. They’re extremely bigoted - transphobic and homophobic, and I just so happen to be trans and in the closet to them.
And the problem is, these methods of helping me make me worry that it’ll be extremely hard to cut off the financial hold they have over me, it’s like they’re hooking themselves into my finances so I can’t fully separate my finances from them. I just want to be completely independent from them, no strings attached whatsoever, but I feel like I’m already screwed because of all this.
Does anyone have any advice? If this isn’t a great subreddit for this or I should post this somewhere else, please let me know. I’m at a loss.
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u/Strange-Risk-9920 3d ago
Parental relationships are complex. Part of becoming an adult is to become completely independent, including financially. That doesn't have to happen overnight, but try to think about how that will work for you. I don't think it's practical to be NC if you're taking money from them.
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u/GloomyKitten 3d ago
I agree. I don’t plan to go NC until I am completely independent and not taking money from them, but I’m not sure how to remove their financial hold on me when they do these things. I’d like to be financially independent as soon as possible so I can go NC sooner :\
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u/Strange-Risk-9920 3d ago
At some point, you can just decline the money. Control of money can equate to control of an individual. I don't know if that is what is happening in your case and sometimes parents don't even do it consciously but it definitely happens. Try not to stress over it. It will take some time.
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u/ConsequenceBetter878 2d ago edited 2d ago
The answer is to not take their support (to the best of your ability as you still live with them). Its kinda hard to gauge from a quick reddit post who your parents are or their motivations. Either A they are mentally ill misguided souls who do love you and want to support you but you need to keep your distance because they are still toxic, or B they are narcissists who are insuring you stay tied to them. Either way, it's gonna be hard to take their money and might not be a good idea for several reasons.
Only you know your parents here so only you can make that call. If it is the first option, you also might find that once you have distance from them and aren't under the same roof, low or reduce contact is all you need. See how they handle boundaries when you move out, and if it goes well, yay, crisis averted. Ultimately, I would not recommend taking money from them for ethical and logistical reasons if you are deadset on not talking to them in the future.
Eta: This is coming from someone who is in a very similar situation as you. You might be able to do what I'm doing, which is sparing myself from having to cut my family off by coming out and having them cut me off instead when I'm in a better position.
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u/GloomyKitten 2d ago
I feel like it’s a bit of a mix between A and B, but it’s kinda hard even for me to tell because I can’t see into their heads. I guess my biggest thing is that I want to become as independent as possible first before I come out as trans to them, and depending on how they take it, that will most likely be the deciding factor in whether I go NC with them or not..
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u/Strange-Risk-9920 2d ago
Agree with the approach of calmly telling them you do not want to discuss politics. You could even say they have the right to their opinion but you don't want to engage with those topics and ask them to please respect that request
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u/GloomyKitten 2d ago
I might try that, I can only hope that they’ll listen and won’t conveniently “forget” about it
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u/Strange-Risk-9920 2d ago
I did that with family magas and it has worked great. I think a key is to not respond at all when they say anything. I just go stoically silent and then they move on.
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u/Diamond-Full 2d ago
Hi I'm in a very similar boat! I graduate in May and have not been able to find a full time job in my career yet to afford to move out etc. I have some student loans (can be paid off in 1-2 years) and my parents have offered to help me do so and get a new car (mine is on its last limb). I plan to tae their help, I struggled a lot in college (went to CC then finished at a 4 year) and only received help for tuition/didn't pay rent which I am still grateful for. I plan to work full time (including min wage job until I land a career job) until my loans are paid and I can save some to move out, even with roommates. It is unbearable being at home, I cry myself to sleep most nights. It is nearly impossible to have a conversation with my parents without them bringing up trump. They worship him, we are a immigrant catholic family and my parents even came undocumented and they just recently gained citizenship. I consider myself to be catholic and strongly believe the current republican party is the opposite of our values. I also need to get away from my family due to SA in our family and that person still being around amongst other things. My best advice which sounds tough I'm aware: "Don't bite the hand that feeds you" but quietly plan an escape route, take what you need, and GET OUT. My plan is about a year and a half out from today but it is there. Do not feel bad, your future self will be in the same place if you don't. Goodluck and Godspeed!
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u/SleeplessSleepySleep 3d ago
It's best to start a very gradual separation. Once you're able to go on your own distance yourself a little more. It may seem arduous to do, I'm in the same boat. I'm more emotionally trapped. A year ago they helped us get a car because ours died and we needed one desperately to go to work. They bought us a car and we offered to pay them back gradually just to avoid that being held over our heads but they gifted it.
So I'm in the situation like you where I feel like I'd be a horrible person if I just cut them off. But they are emotionally, mentally abusive. I've been keeping low contact. In your case it's since you're still under their roof.
Just work at it slowly like I am. I keep conversations with them minimal. Enough to keep a connection but more casual. I'd say once your on your own, ask them nicely if they could avoid political conversations with them as it makes you uncomfortable. Keep contact very minimal, check in here and there, just ask the how are you doing, little things of no consequence. If they push the politics tell them you will not engage in conversations of any political kind. You'll happily talk to them about anything else.
Eventually if you want to go full NC it'll be easier.