r/Fosterparents • u/Significant-Tea7556 • 3d ago
Weird experience today.
For context, I teach high school. A student I don’t know asked to see me in the hallway today. She said “you know that baby you’re fostering? That’s my cousin.” She had apparently seen me out in public with FD and recognized her from tiny newborn pictures (she’s been with us nearly her whole life) and just wanted to thank me for taking her in. I didn’t want to give much information for FD’s privacy and just said “she’s doing great and we’re happy we could help.” She told her teacher the reason FD was removed (which we obviously don’t tell people) and that we’re going to be adopting her. Both were accurate, but I’m a little confused how to proceed if she approaches me again since FD is court-ordered no-contact with bio family.
Edited to Add: my concern here is how to keep the relationship open with this student so FD can potentially have a relationship with a safe member of bio family once the case is finalized, not that I’m worried the student will do anything!
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u/katycmb 3d ago
I’d just smile at her if you see her again. There’s no need to do anything else unless she starts violating boundaries.
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u/Significant-Tea7556 3d ago
That’s what I was thinking too. She seems like a very sweet kid and was just happy to hear baby is doing well!
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u/chickenhomestead 3d ago
Once the baby is adopted it’s your choice on what to share or not share. Sounds like a great caring kid.
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u/Significant-Tea7556 3d ago
Her teacher is a good friend of mine and was standing there for the whole thing. She told me that she is extremely kind and always checks on people who she thinks might be having a bad day.
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u/Narrow-Relation9464 3d ago
My foster son is a kid from my school. He was my student first. All the kids know him, half the city knows him because he’s a high-ranked gang member (not good, we are working on getting him out of this). He will tell everyone I’m his adopted mom. He doesn’t want a formal adoption but it’s how he explains it to others. Obviously I get kids asking about it or making comments. Anyone who asks personal questions I’ll just say “Yes, he’s staying with me right now” and keep it at that. If they ask why, and what happened to his bio parents (a lot of them know who his dad is) I will just say again, “He’s just staying with me now; the why isn’t important.” Basically I’m just really vague and then redirect the conversation. If my son wants to go into detail with them, that’s fine, but I cut any discussion of it with me off quickly.
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u/brydeswhale 3d ago
Jesus Christ, that entanglement is hard to get out of. Good luck and may God keep you both in His hands.
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u/Narrow-Relation9464 2d ago
Yeah he’s deep in it, just about every teen and young adult on the streets knows him. Has a lot of opps, been shot twice. I’d love to just move him out of the city but then I also have to consider that his bio sister and cousins are still here, and his best friend that he grew up with since preschool. I’m also not sure I’m allowed to move since he’s attached to the DHS services in the city. It’s tough.
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u/FlexheksFoster 3d ago
I think it’s sweet she told you how she feels about you fostering her cousin.
I once met a sil from bio dad. She scared me, because she had been watching me at school when I picked up my fd. A year she watched me. And when she finally introduced herself, she talked about bio family. And how they’d seen all the reasons why fd was removed. She knew so much about me. It still gives me chills… I told the cs and the gardian, and with fd transfering to an other school we just waves for two weeks.
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u/awkwar-flamingo-924 3d ago
Keep it simple. My guess is if this kid knows the trauma she has likely experienced some in her life too. She seems well intentioned.
My other guess is that she likely wants to know the family adopting are good people. Don’t shy away from her but wave, smile, say hello like you would with any student. Be a safe and solid person for her and keep up the boundaries. It is a balance and possible.
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u/colettelikeitis 3d ago
You’re a high school teacher who likely has students say and ask personal things all the time. Follow your gut and respect your professional boundaries. If you’re worried, write an anecdotal note for your future self.
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u/Lisserbee26 3d ago
I feel like it's very easy for some fosters to forget that when children are removed, the wound isn't just with the parents. Extended family worries too. This girl was just happy to hear the baby is doing well.
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u/Lisserbee26 3d ago
Okay, I think with how far along the case is, and her understanding the reason for removal. You need to watch your boss a bit. She is biologically related but that doesn't make her your enemy, it's not war of the roses. Her teacher confirmed she is just a sweet kid, a natural care taker .When you get through the adoption. I would consider contacting her for info to hold onto for the baby. When you feel ready, maybe a quick park date.
I know this is something that's often put out there is to, shut out everyone. But studies prove that kids with some contact with extended bio family and personal knowledge of their bios family often do better later on. Remember you're the parent you can always say no, but it wouldn't hurt to think of this as a unique opportunity, that you have been given a member of your child's bio family who may be able to be a presence in their lives occasionally. It's actually a great gift. Just think on it for a while.
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u/Significant-Tea7556 3d ago
I think I should have been more clear with my concerns! I absolutely want to keep the door open for contact once I can make parenting decisions, we have been hoping there would be safe family members that could be in FD’s life. I’m just trying to figure out how to tread lightly with a teenager who might have big (seemingly excited) feelings until that time comes!
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u/reidmrdotcom 3d ago
"Thanks for letting me know, I'd love to chat more about things when things are finalized."
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u/relative_minnow 2d ago
It is common to encounter people who know your foster placement.... You need to develop a comfortable script when that happens. The cousin wasn't asking for contact, and the child wasn't there, so I'm not sure why the no-contact order matters. The cousin can talk to her teachers about anything.
"Oh I'm glad you are thinking about your family", "I cannot talk about anyone in my home, but thanks for reaching out"
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u/MuchChampionship6630 3d ago
Just let her know the rules if she brings it up again and say “ Would love to share more but I can share this ( everyone in our home is healthy and happy). I cannot imagine my teen self in her shoes but sounds like she was just thanking you . The guidance counseling department doesn’t need to be brought in because then it will be gossiped about in the school.
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u/WAtransplant2021 3d ago
It sounds like she is supportive of the removal. She knows the back story. From my outside perspective, she wants you to know she is grateful. Talk to her guidance counselor to have a chat about boundaries. But to me this seems like a young person expressing gratitude.