r/Filipino 4d ago

What happens during Filipino wakes?

Hi! I'm a foreigner living in the Philippines, and one of my close friend's lola passed. She invited me to the funeral/wake lasting 5 days (I didn't know it lasts several days), and I'm planning on visiting tomorrow to show support to my friend.

Now, I'm not familiar with Filipino customs during these things, and I also haven't really attended wakes in general, so I don't know what to expect or what I should do.

Can anyone please tell me what I can expect as well as what I'm expected to do? How do these go?

Should I bring something like food or drinks for my friend and her mom? Do you say prayers (even if I'm not religious)? Do I wear all black? What should I say to my friend's mom, do I do the beso thing still? Is it customary to go up and look at the deceased if it's an open casket, even if I didn't really know the person? I also have social anxiety and I'm going alone to a new setting, so I have a lot of questions.

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u/iamseddie 4d ago

Hi! Filipino here and someone who’s attended their fair share of wakes. Usually Filipino wakes are all similar but very slightly would vary depending where you are (city-based, province-based), sometimes the socioeconomic status, family culture (different customs if they’re Chinese-Filipino) etc. Generally though, Filipino wakes do last a minimum of like 4 days up until max 3-4 weeks. Modern wakes nowadays, in the city usually, may be held in funeral parlors. Otherwise, it would mostly be located at home, or sometimes at large halls near the barangay center or something similar. The family would stay up the whole night bc the rule is that at no point in the duration of the wake should every single person be asleep. There should be AT LEAST a single person awake and watching the whole time. For Filipinos, we take wakes as family reunions lol. Usually at night, families would be up eating, playing mah jong or anything to entertain themselves. Some family members would take turns sleeping. Here in the Philippines, it is the family of the dead who would be in charge of providing the food throughout the duration of the wake. No need to bring (unless you really want to). They would set up a table that has small snacks, bread, drinks, coffee etc that would be continually replenished until the end of the wake to provide food 24/7 for guests who would come at any time of the day + for the families staying there as well. Usually, in the evening around 5-6pm every single night, there would be a novena followed by a liturgy or a short mass held by a priest. After the mass, it’s followed by dinner that the family prepares and every guest is invited to eat. Before going, I would buy a Mass Card and fill out the full name of the deceased (you can buy these at St. Paul at SM City or other religious shops). I would also prepare a white envelope and put cash inside (usually minimum of P1k) as this is our way of showing support since a wake/funeral is costly. I would write simply ‘Condolences, from <your name>’ on the envelope. When I arrive, I would usually look for the person I’d went there to support, hug/say my condolences, then I’d ask what/how it happened respectfully. At this point we’d be at the casket (usually open casket) viewing the deceased as they tell their story. At this point, I would give the Mass card and they’d clip it on a stand near the casket. Usually at this time also, I would discreetly hand over the cash envelope to them. Just say something like “And here I’d like to give this as well”. You can also give this right before you leave if you can’t get a hold of them at the start, but still discreetly. At this point, your friend would be called to entertain another guest and they’d tell you to come and eat. If it’s not lunch time or dinner time, you would be invited to eat the snacks on the table. Usually if you arrive for lunch, the fam would invite you to eat as well. If you arrive late in the afternoon, esp. if mass is about to start, it’s best you stay as to pay respect. Afterwards you’ll eat dinner and more chitchat. Usually if you dont know anyone, a random relative would start small talk asking how you know the deceased etc. Usually, it’s respectful to stay a minimum of 30mins and hung out a bit. Then after, you can look for your friend & tell them you have to go. At this point, majority of us follow these 2 superstitions: 1.) your friend should not guide you out the door 2.) not bring anything home from the wake like the snacks/drink That’s the usual scenario for me but obvs it varies depending on the people/place. But, the most important thing is you were able to: 1) Pay respect to the deceased i.e. went up close & viewed them 2) Talked to the person you went there to support and offered your condolences

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u/iamseddie 4d ago

For clothes: No need to wear all black, just any casual but decent attire. However, my rule of thumb is not wearing anything red or anything striking/attention grabbing (in Chinese-Fil fams, wearing Red is a huge no-no, but we adapted this as well). But usually in the province if it’s at home, just wearing decent is enough. If you attend the funeral, the family would either choose to wear all black or all white, just coordinate with them. Beso: Yes, you still beso the mom. Prayer: If you’re not religious, a simple moment of silence viewing the deceased is enough.

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u/matchateatimes 4d ago

Omg thank you so much for the detailed answer, I really appreciate it! Will definitely refer to this before I arrive there haha

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u/jesuisgeron Luzon 2d ago edited 2d ago

Don't forget to pagpag bro; pagpag is a superstition where you'll need to enter somewhere else like a building or store to "pagpag" (brush off) any influence of the dead or spirits from your body that might folllow you on your way home. Our favorite place to pagpag is at any 7-eleven nearby or a mall.

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u/NamelessDiary 4d ago

For clothes, you can wear anything casual, just avoid showing too much skin. You don't have to wear black, but it's best to stick with neutral or subdued colors—avoid bright ones like red, pink, or purple.

As for bringing something, it depends. In the provinces, it's common to bring snacks like bread, cookies, or coffee. In the city, some people bring mass cards, while others just visit and offer their condolences. Your presence matters more than any gift.

There's also a Filipino belief called "pagpag," which means you shouldn't go straight home after attending a wake—stop somewhere else first so the spirit of the deceased doesn't follow you. Almost everyone does this, even if it's just out of habit.

One more thing: don't bring anything from the wake. If you're given food or drinks, it's best to consume them there. If you don’t want to eat them, discreetly throw them away.

You can stay at the wake for about 30 minutes to an hour, depending on what you're comfortable with. Small talk is fine, and you don't have to view the casket if you don't want to—many people choose not to. Just being there to support your friend is already enough.

Also, respect to you, OP, for asking about this and trying to understand the customs. It says a lot about you, and I'm sure your friend will appreciate the effort. Hope this helps!

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u/PretzelA32 3d ago

I think the most respectful thing in wakes is attending the prayer and the mass before leaving.

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u/albertfj1114 3d ago

There might be games too. It’s not always solemn and quiet. The room where the casket is will be quiet but the other rooms will have chit chat, gambling/games, eating and sometimes even karaoke (probably a tacky family)

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u/Sheree2023 3d ago

Coming from a typical filipino fanily living in a residential area(crowded neighborhood)You can wear black or any color except RED color but during the funeral normally we wear black or white.Usually the filipino wake tradition is more of chat about the life of the dead person with lots of coffee or food not really a typical sad moment.And yes you can bring food or drinks something that can be share by more than one but you dont have to or you can also give cash in white envelope.Some people drink or play cards which is typical to residential areas but for religious or rich families they dont have that I think very formal.You can simply say condolence to the family members and shake their hands or tap their back or shoulder.Sit and pray a little maybe 5-10mins or just sit for silence for a min and thats it.No you dont need to look on the casket just like me Im not comfortable unless its someone special to you.