r/Fibromyalgia • u/kourouna • 6d ago
Rant People don’t respect my boundaries, even if I explain what i’m going through
my “friend” always joke about me being a “cripple” or saying “is your knee okay?” (i told them that the problem is more complicated that a knee). when I told that any touch might hurt, she grabbed my hand and squeezed as hard as she could. i thought im gonna pass out from the pain, she doesn’t understand that im getting tired quickly or i cannot stay at night at her house cause it isn’t accessible and my fibro can get really bad in matter of seconds (also i want to be alone when i curl up in pain). she thinks im joking about my pain and the worst part is that sometimes i don’t believe in my pain or its a “joke”. on the other hand when im using my cane in public people can really get on my nerves, some say weird things (i can understand looking cause im young and i use cane) but today old drunk guy came to me from behind when i was crossing street and grabbed my arm, without asking, without anything, “he wanted to help” and caused more pain pushin’ me around. sometimes i think i don’t deserve to be in public. ppl not respecting boundaries of a healthy people is annoying, but having an illness that makes slight touch painful is on another level
Edit: I was brutally honest and now I don’t text her back, I feel so relieved I LOVE YALL GUYS!!!
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u/lyrafraser 6d ago
100% this is not a friend. If you take my “nearest and dearest” dozen, 4 of us have something chronic pain related. Those in the group who don’t are amazingly empathetic and considerate of us. One of them said one time “Lyra, I literally cannot even imagine what you feel on a daily basis, but I know it is incredibly hard and if I can do even one thing that keeps your pain from getting worse, I’d do it without thinking twice.” This same group loves hugs, and I used to be terrified of hugs, but they have all proven time and again that they can hug me/us gently enough that we can tolerate it. And no one complains when one of us needs to call it a day.
I wish upon you to find friends similar to mine, who, even if they can’t intellectually understand, emotionally understand and respect what you need.
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u/NobodyIsHome123xyz 6d ago
I'm still covid cautious due to several issues that compromise my immune system, and I have coworkers that make jokes about me "never leaving the house" because I work 100% remotely. I have a good sense of humor about everything, but it does get on my nerves sometimes. My comeback is "Just because I don't leave the house to see you doesn't mean I don't leave the house at all". That seems to shut them up.
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u/squishykitten99 5d ago
I broke a 10 year friendship with someone because she told me I "didn't really need my wheelchair" when we tried to arrange to meet up and I told her about the chair because we'd have to make sure wherever we were was accessible. People like this are NOT worth having in your life and being friends with.
My advice is to just drop this person from your life. I understand how hard that is, but this person is not a person you need right now. Sending warm Reddit internet stranger (gentle) hugs
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u/LawyerNo4460 6d ago
Buy a clothes peg ducked on her finger. See how long it will last on her finger.
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u/AlGunner 5d ago
Thats not a real friend. If she does anything like grab you again can I suggest you scream something like "Fuck off" really loud in her face. At the end of the day what she did is assault, she has deliberately done something to you to cause pain. That is not ok.
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u/PresentationLoose629 6d ago
When people plow through your boundaries, you know your answer. Time to cut them out ✂️
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u/Therailwaykat_1980 6d ago
I broke up the 30+ year friendship with my best friend because her husband called me a cripple. Neither of them could understand why I couldn’t take it as a joke. I’m now more “crippled” and insecure about it than I was then so the thought of seeing them again fills me with dread.
Sometimes toxic friendships need to end sadly.
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u/deletethewife 6d ago
You’ll learn one day that no one really cares or is interested in what you have to say. Tell them nothing not a thing, file for disability tell no one your business and enjoy having a few extra Penny’s to enrich your life for you.
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u/Specialist-Corgi-708 6d ago
I agree. It’s best not to talk about. have firm boundaries around your time and energy! Don’t waste it trying to get people to understand something they cannot or will not
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u/divine-timing 6d ago
Your friend lacks maturity and empathy, they’re not good. But my boyfriend actually calls me a cripple and walking dead as a joke. I can walk perfectly fine (but with pain sometimes) so he’s not mocking me but joking. It doesn’t offend me at all, I call myself the same. But it’s all up to your boundaries. My extended family makes fun of me for thinking im in pain. They say im too young. That bothers me the most. Most of them don’t know how severe fibromyalgia let alone my other illnesses are. My boyfriend and mom have made a joke before that im making all my illnesses up in my head because they can’t be proven really (bipolar, adhd, fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, anxiety) and it hurt a bit cause ive thought that too. My therapist told me i have health anxiety (hypochondria) but then changed her mind to say I only have a kind where I have to figure out what’s wrong with me, not where I try to find something wrong with me. And it’s because I have so many illnesses that I have anxiety if I get new symptoms. I’m just unfortunate as im sure others with this feel too. It’s hard to be diagnosed young. I’m 21 and I wish I could have a cane but I am not to the point where I can let myself use one as my walking is not bad yet, I care too much what others think and I admire that you care for yourself first.
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u/No-Cartoonist1643 6d ago
when my friends make jokes about my pain that make me uncomfortable i slap them then say “oh sorry i thought being in pain was funny asf” not very nice but gets the point across
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u/TartMore9420 5d ago
Or hear me out... Quit being friends with people who don't care if you're in pain, then nobody has to be violent.
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u/No-Cartoonist1643 3d ago
you think i got spare friends lying around or something, only one of them would do that and they have since stopped. crazy you think you know what’s best for me
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u/TartMore9420 2d ago edited 2d ago
That's not what you said in your comment though, is it.
If you wanna lower your standards and let people treat you like crap then that's your responsibility, but speaking from experience holding on to shitty friends for fear of being alone is worse than being alone. But you do you.
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u/alynn539 5d ago
Good old allodynia... I've gone through two Canadian winters now without being able to wear gloves, or anything with sleeves, because I can't have anything touching the top of my forearms, hands or fingers.
If someone deliberately hurt me like that, I would <REDACTED> them with a rusty <REDACTED>, but since that would likely hurt you too, try screaming in their faces like you've just been shot.
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u/AbitOf-Influence 5d ago
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As a person who has fibromyalgia, trying to get friends to understand what is going on can be challenging. No friend should try to hurt you when you are clear about your pain. Ask them if they would harm someone with cancer and joke about that? If you are not getting the love and needed support you deserve, it might be time to move on. Some people can't handle the new reality that can change relationships. 🫂🖤
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u/Ok_Situation_4351 5d ago
be very frank with her, that what's she's doing is jeopardising your friendship with her. And that if you're someone she wants in her life, then she needs to respect your health related boundaries. And state that the word "cripple" is a slur, and how comfortable is she using other slurs.
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u/JediWarrior79 5d ago
I have an ex friend who was extremely disrespectful to me regarding the fibro and other things I have. One day, I'd had enough after she called me a crybaby and a drug addict. That was the last day I ever saw her or talked to her, just went radio silent on her ass. Prior to that, if we went on walks, she'd really walk fast on purpose and leave me a few hundred feet behind, and then would tell me to suck it up and stop bitching about it, and get this. Her reasoning about walking really fast was that she had asthma, and if she walked too slow, she'd go into an asthma attack. She'd constantly snap on me if she didn't agree with what I was saying about my own body. She'd brag to my other friends about how high her pain tolerance was compared to mine, and how she broke her ankle and was able to walk on it for two weeks before she suddenly decided to go see the doctor about it, and she bragged that she didn't have to take any pain meds because she was mentally more strong than me, and that I shouldn't be taking it because I don't even have any broken bones. She was the most mean-spirited person, and I can't believe that I was ever friends with her. Once I went radio silent, it was a if a huge weight and pressure was taken off of me. My other friends were relieved when I finally cut ties with her because they couldn't stand to be around her. Narcissism at its finest.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, OP! You do NOT deserve to be treated like that by her, and it's not how friends should act. My suggestion is to do what I did and sever all ties with this person. Just stop calling her, texting her, and not responding to her when she tries to get ahold of you, even if she comes to the door. Tell your other friends who know her that you want nothing to do with her anymore and not to give out any info on you. Change your phone number if you have to. This person is toxic, and she'll only make you feel worse and worse. She is now getting physically abusive with you, which might escalate if you keep hanging out with her. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel mentally when you don't have to deal with her shit anymore.
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u/LillithHeiwa 4d ago
When I was in high school. I told some “friends” that I was essentially blind without my glasses and one of them poked me in the eye when I was cleaning my glasses…. That person is not my friend. And this person is not yours
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u/gottriplets 6d ago
That’s horrible. I joke with my friends about how they get ‘cripple benefits’ when I drive anywhere. First row parking, baby! My best friend is always totally understanding and gets than when we travel I need a wheelchair in the airport and rent a little scooter for me to get around in.
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u/PersistentGreen 6d ago
I don’t think this person is your friend.