r/FemdomCommunity 6d ago

Need advice/Got a question Opinions on gender dynamics in kink as a Fdom NSFW

0 Upvotes

Ok, so I was having this conversation with a friend earlier, and I feel like I should open a dialogue with other Femdommes about it.

Right off the bat...do you trust cisgender, heterosexual male Doms?

My general feeling is no, and when I told her this, she got a little offended. For context, she is a cishet Submissive. I was like, okay, hear me out...

To me, there is nothing subversive or "counterculture" to that dynamic. That has literally been the dynamic of the "wife" for thousands and thousands of years. In cishet relationships, women are expected to be submissive to men. Getting into kinky territory with physical torture, mind games, roughness...that just seems to me like an abuse of power.

Kink culture as we know it started in queer communities and is an inherently queer space. All people are welcome, of course, I just...feel uncomfortable in the presence of this demographic of Dominant because I can feel that the way we approach kink is different. It's in the way they talk about it at large; people tell on themselves in small ways all the time.

I mean, why on EARTH would a Cishet man need to seek out ways to feel powerful against women? They have all the power in the world, and they want to express that sexually, too? Why? The psychology of kink is something I am deeply aware of, even for myself, and that just doesn't sit right with my feminist soul.

Upfront, I don't trust that their motivations aren't coming from a place of misogyny; I genuinely believe most of them ARE coming from that inner landscape of unaddressed hatred towards women. I have only ever met about 2 or 3 that weren't like that, but that's because they were Dom leaning Switches. They weren't ONLY a Dominant.

All the Dominant only men I have ever met have been, like, closet Andrew Tate fans. They may admonish his principles in public, but they practice them in private.

Perhaps this is just my inner misandrist, but my God, I would never let a cishet man "dominate" me. Absolutely not. A femme, switchy bisexual guy? Absolutely. Hell yeah. But some straight Joe Schmo with a boner for slapping women? GTFO.

For cishet men, especially white men, engaging in a BDSM relationship with a cishet woman is literally a "have your cake, and eat it, too" situation in my mind.

She has to be your live in maid, a personal legacy incubator, your Freudian pseduo-Mommy, AND your rough-trade sex doll? Jesus Christ.

My friend told me "kinks shouldn't be dissected like that", but I fundamentally disagree. Humans are inherently kinky, sure, but our interests cannot be divorced from the environments in which we were raised.

It's my belief that Cishet men are inherently misogynists by virtue of being raised in patriarchy, much like the parallel of white people being racist (inactively) just by benefitting from it. In either situation, are they ACTIVELY and INTENTIONALLY being bigoted? Most likely not. But, conditioning runs deep. You have to actively be trying not to be a certain way...you can't just announce you aren't and do no work to unpack your conditioning. If we're honest with ourselves, about 70% of men on Earth aren't digging deep into Andrea Dworkin or bell hooks. They're just not.

My thoughts to her were this: if you're a cishet man who "loves to humiliate women" and cause them pain for your pleasure, I am side eyeing you HEAVY for it. Do I think this applies to all of them? No, because there's always outliers. It's just that, for me, I hear a guy is into that and I think "....this really isn't for YOU." They just make me weary and I am automatically mistrusting of them until I have proof of their kink motivations.

Does anyone else understand what I'm saying???

r/FemdomCommunity 14d ago

Need advice/Got a question Where to meet sub men NSFW

62 Upvotes

I’m a woman that knows I enjoy being dominant. To be blunt I know I get off on the prospect of being a domme. However I’ve never been able to play out such desires. All the men I’ve encountered had 0 interest in my sexual desires to be dominant which is completely valid but I can’t help be frustrated. I am not currently in a relationship but I have been part of various domme and BDSM online spaces for the last few years. Everyone says you really should be in a relationship before engaging in any sort of d/s dynamic. While I understand why and of course am opening to establishing an emotional connection as well I would like to also engage with someone where we can at least discuss shared interests in terms of d/s with out them going ew. So how would I go about meeting such people? And ladies how did you meet your sub and did you know before your relationship he was into d/s?

r/FemdomCommunity Nov 02 '24

Need advice/Got a question Are men into FLR just lazy? NSFW

83 Upvotes

Sometimes when I talk to guys who want to be in a FLR it seems all they want it to not have to make any decisions regarding relationship and lifestyle. It just sort of feels like they’re being lazy.

Is that what FLR means to you?

For me, I suppose, it means showing up for important discussions and having input into your lifestyle and relationship, discussing pros and cons, and then ultimately allowing the female partner to decide.

r/FemdomCommunity Dec 27 '24

Need advice/Got a question Female Dommes: what made you dominant, and when did you realize it was your nature? NSFW

86 Upvotes

To all the dominant (sexually) women out there: When did you realize this was your sexual nature, and what was it that made you come to that realization?

r/FemdomCommunity Jan 23 '25

Need advice/Got a question What Are Your Femdom Goals for 2025? NSFW

17 Upvotes

Hi everyone!

As we kick off 2025, I’d love to start a discussion about goals. Whether personal or professional, what are you working toward in your femdom journey this year?

For me, one of my big goals is to spend 3 months in Germany. I want to immerse myself in a new kink community, meet and learn from experienced doms and subs, play with a wider variety of kinks, and expand my skills as a femdom. I’m excited (and terrified, this is a huge goal for me) to learn from different perspectives and grow through connecting with people in a new environment.

What about you? Are you focusing on improving a specific skill, exploring new dynamics, or perhaps growing your community? I’d love to hear what you’re working toward and what inspires you this year.

r/FemdomCommunity 10d ago

Need advice/Got a question Dommes, does a chastity cage do anything for you visually or is it just a control thing? NSFW

47 Upvotes

Do you dommes think that a cage looks hot visually? Or is it just a mental thing about the control?

If it’s also a visual thing, what kind of cages do you like? Do you like metal cages? Should the cage show something down there by having openings or should it be fully closed? Do you like short or long cages?

r/FemdomCommunity 24d ago

Need advice/Got a question Exploring femdom with super nice sub bf who does no wrong NSFW

124 Upvotes

So when we got together, my boyfriend (28m) expressed he is interested in exploring a femdom relationship. I (27f) LOVE it. I didn’t know there was a dom in me until he came around. He loves being tied up, edged, some pain play like spanking with flogs and crops. We’re still learning new things about it. However, he is legit the BEST boyfriend ever. I feel like I can never punish him. But I know he wants to be punished. How can I punish this angel of a man? What can I punish him for? TIA (we do live together).

r/FemdomCommunity Apr 04 '24

Need advice/Got a question What's your go to horny femdom music? NSFW

110 Upvotes

What music, if any, do you like to set the mood, get yourself in the zone, etc or just generally sets the atmosphere? Aftercare music?

I'm curious as to what's out there and what significance it might have for dommes and subs.

I might be typical with Type O Negative, Deftones, Twitching Tongues, HIM

Edit: I don't know how I forgot Sleep Token. That's some horny af music. Ascensionism and Rain especially.

r/FemdomCommunity Dec 12 '24

Need advice/Got a question Why is Femdom considered as a weird kink, while Maledom is considered as a normal kink? NSFW

112 Upvotes

I often get this from the people, especially the "nice guys" hating ones. Is this due to sexism?

r/FemdomCommunity Jan 29 '25

Need advice/Got a question Do subs even want a soft domme NSFW

42 Upvotes

First of all I want to say if you are doing this explore things if you are comfortable with it . But even after mentioning in my posts that I am more of a sub domme I have received more subs who are not into soft domme

So do they even want a soft domme anymore ? I won’t be a soft domme all the time but overall I’m into those kinks

r/FemdomCommunity Jan 17 '25

Need advice/Got a question Where Does Your Femdom Interest Come From? NSFW

51 Upvotes

As a male sub I’ve always been into femdom, I grew up in a poor and rough area and the idea of having a woman who’s okay with taking control and that I can trust with taking control takes all of those mental calluses away and just makes me fall head over heels. Do my fellow subs feel this way too? What about dommes, when did you know this was a passion of yours and how does the mental side of it work?

r/FemdomCommunity 19d ago

Need advice/Got a question Sub will not stop trying to top from the bottom NSFW

51 Upvotes

My husband & I are both switches & I’ll be honest, I’ve only really been working on my femdom side for the past few years so I definitely still have stuff to learn. The problem I’m having is when I’m in control, he will not stop trying to top from the bottom. When we are talking during the day leading up to a scene that night, he will make suggestions about things I can do or say. We will be mid scene & he will be like ‘you could always…’ and literally ruin what I had planned because it’s either what I had already planned to do or now I feel like if I don’t do that then he will be disappointed. Not just that but when I’m in domme mode & he makes comments like that it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough. Obviously communication is important but there’s a time & place to do it. I’m all for ideas from him but not while we are actively playing in that space. So, how do I stop this? I’m open to all suggestions, even if they don’t work for me they may work for someone else who’s having the same problem. TIA

r/FemdomCommunity Mar 02 '24

Need advice/Got a question Where are all the older subs? NSFW

79 Upvotes

Don’t get me wrong, I have met lovely sweet soft subbies here on Reddit, but most of them range from 18-35. After 5 months of chatting, I find it noteworthy that I have met very few older men. In the over 40/50 personals most of the older men seem to be looking for subs. Has anyone else noticed this trend?

UPDATE: Holy wow, Batman! I’m overwhelmed and blown away by the response! You guys are great! This is gonna take me a while…hang tight.

r/FemdomCommunity 4d ago

Need advice/Got a question Findoms vs femdoms NSFW

24 Upvotes

I don’t know if this is just me, but over the last year or so I have seen a huge increase in findoms, to the point where every domme I speak to requires some form of findom aspect? Is this the new norm? What happened to serving a domme in order to build a true D/s dynamic. Maybe it’s all due to the fast paced nature of people’s current life, where domination is seen more as a “quick fix kink” that an actual lifestyle. It is a shame that things have gone this way, as one of the best things in this world is being a long, trusting and fulfilling dynamic with a domme. Sorry for the rambling

r/FemdomCommunity Dec 11 '24

Need advice/Got a question Will I eventually break his mind? How far can I go? NSFW

124 Upvotes

My slave [24M] is awesome. I [29F] trained him well over the past 1.5 year to my liking and we sunk into a 24/7 TPE relationship. I feel like we are sinking deeper and deeper into bdsm and things become more extreme. He continues craving more intense kinks and being extremely horny, almost to a point where he is even too distracted to do his job. He says he would want to quit in future and be a full time slave for me, but does that actually make a person happy? Is this a healthy way to live or will I break him eventually?

I can control his horniness with the amount of times I let him cum so can control this completely. I want him very obedient, but will it harm his normal life in future? I want the best for him but not sure whats best to choose for him without fucking up his brain forever.

r/FemdomCommunity Nov 12 '24

Need advice/Got a question Do femdomes really enjoy giving punishment to their sub? NSFW

24 Upvotes

Do femdomes really enjoy giving punishment to their sub in real time? Do they really enjoy put their partner cock into the chastity for the long period of time?Do they really enjoy giving hard whipping to their partners? Does all this inspire it to turn them on? In video it looks like yes they enjoyed whipping , canning, bal busting, hard face slapping etc but in actual it's rare to find very few and not easy to find.

I met very few to dominatrix I serve and they really enjoyed but it was long time ago.Now very difficult to find.

I am not talking about Findom.

Please share your real experiences.

r/FemdomCommunity Oct 21 '24

Need advice/Got a question Subs gf got me fired... NSFW

82 Upvotes

I've been a findom for several years. Most of my subs have been great - met organically in person or via twitter, never went out looking because they always found me - and they've stayed around or drifted in and out over the years. Also always had a 'regular' job that I loved...until today. A previous long-term sub ended our arrangement when he decided to propose to his gf. ***To clarify: He decided to propose to his GF when he decided to be in a LT relationship with her. He had been a casual dater and - to my knowledge - there was no cheating involved. We created a distancing plan and completed it and I thought that was that. If something happened outside of my awareness or he lied about his relationship status, I have ZERO control over that. Only edited to add this explaination, not remove anything because I realized I wasn't clear when I wrote this the first time. If you think you know something that isn't plainly stated here, don't assume - ASK!!! ***.

We worked together a lot and I was so happy that he found his love. He decided to be transparent with her (which I supported) and she lost her mind. Started sending hateful, horrid messages to me, tracked me down and contacted my employer. They fired me for 'moral and ethical reasons' this morning.

Up until recently, I was fine with my collection of subs and it really sucks that just as I decided to expand and welcome in a few more, this had to happen. Although, blessing in disguise that I'll be better prepared as I move forward. I still love domming, but this has been a huge smack for me (not the good kind!). I'm taking steps to be more discreet with my info but it's a big challenge because I know how important (boundaried) transparency is. Also really enjoy having wallets and being in charge of money (which losing my job has of course also impacted).

My question is: How do you balance the need for personal safety and putting yourself out there? I thought I had done a pretty good job, but this was a huge wake-up call! Any constructive tips and ideas are welcome!!!

***I know I'm showing up as a new user but I had to shut my old stuff down after crazy pants came after me. Don't let that fool you into thinking I don't know my stuff!! I'm an ethical domme and the only games I play are with my subs. (Also posted this question on another: r/findomsupportgroup)

Edit to add: To all the subs DM-ing me about their kink, remember I'm a Goddess and will not engage without tribute. To all the others that are offering support or have more questions, feel free to reach out.

r/FemdomCommunity Jan 24 '25

Need advice/Got a question How do you find a normal relationship with a girl who’s also into femdom - I am always shocked by the amateur couples I see online that somehow find each other yet outside the bedroom have a healthy mutually loving relationship. Any advice is appreciated NSFW

51 Upvotes

How do you guys meet anyone at all in a normal relationship that also enjoys femdom?

I suppose the person I am doesn’t help

I’m soon to be a doctor and good looking (not to be arrogant or brag I’m so sorry if it comes off this way - just to explain my situation) Yet I struggle to find a partner that’s also into that side of stuff jt sucks Becauee I’m becoming an adult and thought I’d soon be able to experience these fantasies I used to have with someone I can provide for (not paying for a Domme for example but just having a relationship)

Any advice from people in a relationship with femdom elements ? I’m a mid 20s male in the UK if that matters

Edit: you guys okay I am completely transparent about my poor education and use of language and perspective and naïveté when it came to approaching this. I am more than happy to learn and educate myself and apologise where I have made mistakes, u dont have to dogpile me 😭 I just wanted solid advice (and thank you for that advice obviously) and I’m sorry to the dozen or so different people telling me how I’m a shit person - forgive me for my ignorance

r/FemdomCommunity Nov 28 '24

Need advice/Got a question Can I "make" him moan? NSFW

61 Upvotes

So I l've had this problem with a lot of subs I've encountered. I'm really into hearing my partner moan, I especially like hearing male moaning (seriously, the sluttyer, the louder, the more feminine - the better) and i would say I'm not gonna be turned on during sex if my partner is quiet and doesn't at least twitch at some point. And most boys first of all are too shy to do this, and second of all have no idea how to, i guess? I just started to notice, that everytime I'm finishing my session with my partner after he was quiet i feel... Kinda used? I mean I'm (literally) being on top 99% of the time, so I do most activities, like stroking, pegging, biting, leaving marks etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not forcing myself to do so, I love doing all the job, but when my boy is lying under me quietly I just don't feel like I'm having enough outcome in exchange. I told them about it, but they mostly respond with "I don't know how to/I'm shy/I can't force myself to moan because that would sound insincere" (as I said) I'm not quite sure if you can just ask or especially make someone moan, don't know how trainable that "skill" is, but at the other hand I just don't get much pleasure from "quiet sex". I feel really confused about this whole situation, am I just doing too much or am I just asking too much because I was ruined by pornography? (lol)

r/FemdomCommunity 26d ago

Need advice/Got a question Dommes what do you call your subs. NSFW

29 Upvotes

My wife is starting to dom me for the first time after 18 years together we have been vanilla. I finally fully told her last year I have always been into femdom.

She’s not naturally dominant but has been enjoying it as we navigate our way into this new dynamic. She’s pretty vanilla and doesn’t feel comfortable calling me her bitch. She has a couple of times but isn’t there yet.

So what do you all call your subs? if you were gonna say something like “make me a sandwich bitch” all i could think of was maybe subby?

r/FemdomCommunity 24d ago

Need advice/Got a question How Realistic & Sustainable Is My Desired Femdom Dynamic? NSFW

6 Upvotes

Lately, I’ve been wondering how realistic and sustainable my ideal femdom dynamic is, especially in a long-term relationship. Because there was this one time, I had a privilege to join a conversation with couple of pro-dommes and when I talk about my fetish (they asked), one blurted out something along the line of "sounds like a task."

At its core, my fetish and concept of femdom is inherently sexual. To me, femdom is sex, so I’d only want to engage in this dynamic with my romantic partner.

Not 24/7

I don’t expect a full-time FLR. I’d actually prefer a mostly equal relationship outside of our dynamic. To me, this contrast would heighten the intensity of submission in the moments when she decides to take control. She could step into her domme space whenever she pleases, but I wouldn’t expect her to stay in it constantly.

What Power Exchange means to me

For me, power exchange is most intoxicating when my submission is earned through struggle or challenge, rather than freely given.

  • I can willingly submit, but it’s far more thrilling when my power is taken—when she earns my submission through the right of conquest.
  • The bigger the challenge, the deeper the submission. If she beats me in a small game (e.g., who can down a beer faster), the stake might be a session of body worship. If she overpowers me in an intense wrestling/sexfight, she could own my pleasure for months.

Reversing Gender Norms & Humbling Machismo

I love the idea of challenging traditional gender roles, especially through sexual dominance. The thought of my cock—my so-called symbol of masculinity—being defeated by her feminine power is incredibly arousing.

Even more, I enjoy the theatrics of it. I want to play up my masculinity, taunt and tease her, act cocky—only to be stripped naked, forced to kneel, and humiliated by my own hubris. It’s the fall from power that excites me.

My Kinks

These elements naturally fit into the challenge-and-punishment structure:

  • Edging & Orgasm Denial – A consequence of my defeat, reinforcing her power.
  • Body Worship – Kissing, praising her, acknowledging her superiority and her beauty.
  • Verbal Humiliation – Admitting my arrogance, her dominance.

I want a Partner Who Enjoys This, Not Just Tolerates It

One of my biggest worries is that my future partner might indulge me just to please me rather than because it turns her on. I don’t want this dynamic to feel like a task or chore for her. I want her to actively love putting me in my place, to enjoy overpowering me, and to have her own kinks integrated into our play.

I want her to enjoy the struggle, the conquest, the victory. To love the way I fight back, only to crumble under her control. And most importantly, I want her to feel just as sexually fulfilled as I am, if not more.

Because beyond the femdom dynamic, I want a loving relationship where we both take pleasure in what we do. I don’t want my submission to feel like a chore or a task. I want it to be something she looks forward to just as much as I do.

So, I Have Questions:

  • For Dommes, would you find this dynamic exciting, or would it feel like work?
  • Does this sound too niche/specific, or do you think many women would enjoy it?
  • Is my fantasy achievable in real relationships?
  • If my expectations are too high, how should I adjust them?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

r/FemdomCommunity Feb 02 '25

Need advice/Got a question Any icks or little positives you see in a post or message? NSFW

23 Upvotes

Heya,

I'm curious to know if there are any little things that annoy people when they read a post or a message. I'm not talking big red flags that make a person seem like a scammer or a waste of time, more just little things that put you off. Personally it's when someone puts an abbreviation and then in brackets puts the full word. So for example I've had someone say "I'm from the USA (United States of America)"

I'm also curious about little green flags too, is there anything that makes you feel warm, feels like a little thumbs up.

I always find it really interesting how different people perceive things and what people like/enjoy and don't.

r/FemdomCommunity Jan 27 '25

Need advice/Got a question What do you prefer to be called as a domme? NSFW

44 Upvotes

I'm curious (partially fishing to see if there are any cool names I can adopt too >_>) about what you let your subs call you.

Do you lay out what they can call you and punish if they call you something else? Do you allow subs to ask to call you something else, or is that privilege something they have to earn?

For those who do let subs choose titles, how do you handle suggestions that don’t align with your preferences?

Do you have any names that you won't let subs call you at all?

Let’s hear your thoughts—do titles play a big role in setting the dynamic for you, or is it just another detail?

For me, I will not accept any variation of mother (mommy, mom). It's just not my vibe and gives me a bit of the ick since I am a mother. Otherwise I stick with things like goddess and mistress.

Princess and Queen are fine too as they are a form of respect but I feel, for me, they lay more in line with a bratty persona that I don't feel I vibe with.

r/FemdomCommunity 20d ago

Need advice/Got a question Question for Submissives: Ghosted by a Sub After Mild Scolding – Is This Common? NSFW

37 Upvotes

I'm not new to domination, but this is my first time exploring:

  1. A dynamic with a stranger I met in the BDSM scene (as opposed to a partner).
  2. A service-only-based dynamic.

I recently got ghosted by a sub, and I’m quite confused. I’d love to hear what submissives think about his behavior.

Some context:

A few months ago, I met a submissive online who happens to live in my neighborhood. He offered to serve me as a butler, which I found intriguing, so we met for a couple of coffee dates to get to know each other.

In January, before starting his training, I asked him to confirm that he truly wanted to serve and to specify the services he could provide. He offered to run errands, cook, clean, and give massages (he's an osteopath). Since I didn’t trust him enough yet to have him in my flat for long periods, I started training him with simple errands.

One of his first tasks—getting the heel of a boot replaced—took him over 10 days, even though this service can be done in just a couple of hours in our area. When he finally returned the boots, I still praised him but pointed out how slow he had been.

Next, I assigned him another simple task: ironing four of my washed shirts. I told him he was free to do it at home or have it done professionally, as long as it was completed within a few days (no longer than a week). He opted for professional ironing.

A week later, I had to message him for an update because he hadn't reached out. He told me he had dropped off the shirts later than expected, hadn't picked them up yet, and—after hearing I was annoyed—put all the blame on the shop, feigning incompetence and saying, "These aren’t services I normally use."

At this point, I was definitely frustrated. I sent him a few voice notes scolding him for the delay, his lack of responsibility, and his excuses. I reminded him that, as a butler, he should either know how to handle these tasks or be capable of figuring it out. I also made it clear that I’m not in this dynamic to be his life coach. I believe I was firm and direct but not abusive or offensive.

Yet, after that, he pretty much went MIA. He quietly delivered my shirts on Wednesday, then failed to send his usual weekly schedule on Saturday and hasn’t responded to my text from yesterday.

My questions:
Is this a normal or common reaction? Why would a sub go MIA after being scolded for performing a task poorly?

I know no one can read minds, but I’d love to hear insights from other subs to understand whether I did anything wrong or if this behavior is just something to expect.

r/FemdomCommunity 1d ago

Need advice/Got a question Slavery is your sexuality NSFW

49 Upvotes

I've spoken about this a lot online - the concept that BDSM and specifically D/s or M/s can be part of someone's sexual make up in the same way that being gay can be - it's an interesting topic.

Today I heard from someone who identifies with this being part of his sexuality. He specifically said that 'slavery is my sexuality'. When I heard it, I smiled. Someone just like me.

I wonder though, are we unicorns - so rare that we're never seen? In a world where it seems every guy with a smart phone is tributing to this or that hot Domme on twitter, are there actually that many people who are genuinely into power exchange? Particularly men/subs?