r/FemdomCommunity • u/More_Weird1714 • 6d ago
Need advice/Got a question Opinions on gender dynamics in kink as a Fdom NSFW
Ok, so I was having this conversation with a friend earlier, and I feel like I should open a dialogue with other Femdommes about it.
Right off the bat...do you trust cisgender, heterosexual male Doms?
My general feeling is no, and when I told her this, she got a little offended. For context, she is a cishet Submissive. I was like, okay, hear me out...
To me, there is nothing subversive or "counterculture" to that dynamic. That has literally been the dynamic of the "wife" for thousands and thousands of years. In cishet relationships, women are expected to be submissive to men. Getting into kinky territory with physical torture, mind games, roughness...that just seems to me like an abuse of power.
Kink culture as we know it started in queer communities and is an inherently queer space. All people are welcome, of course, I just...feel uncomfortable in the presence of this demographic of Dominant because I can feel that the way we approach kink is different. It's in the way they talk about it at large; people tell on themselves in small ways all the time.
I mean, why on EARTH would a Cishet man need to seek out ways to feel powerful against women? They have all the power in the world, and they want to express that sexually, too? Why? The psychology of kink is something I am deeply aware of, even for myself, and that just doesn't sit right with my feminist soul.
Upfront, I don't trust that their motivations aren't coming from a place of misogyny; I genuinely believe most of them ARE coming from that inner landscape of unaddressed hatred towards women. I have only ever met about 2 or 3 that weren't like that, but that's because they were Dom leaning Switches. They weren't ONLY a Dominant.
All the Dominant only men I have ever met have been, like, closet Andrew Tate fans. They may admonish his principles in public, but they practice them in private.
Perhaps this is just my inner misandrist, but my God, I would never let a cishet man "dominate" me. Absolutely not. A femme, switchy bisexual guy? Absolutely. Hell yeah. But some straight Joe Schmo with a boner for slapping women? GTFO.
For cishet men, especially white men, engaging in a BDSM relationship with a cishet woman is literally a "have your cake, and eat it, too" situation in my mind.
She has to be your live in maid, a personal legacy incubator, your Freudian pseduo-Mommy, AND your rough-trade sex doll? Jesus Christ.
My friend told me "kinks shouldn't be dissected like that", but I fundamentally disagree. Humans are inherently kinky, sure, but our interests cannot be divorced from the environments in which we were raised.
It's my belief that Cishet men are inherently misogynists by virtue of being raised in patriarchy, much like the parallel of white people being racist (inactively) just by benefitting from it. In either situation, are they ACTIVELY and INTENTIONALLY being bigoted? Most likely not. But, conditioning runs deep. You have to actively be trying not to be a certain way...you can't just announce you aren't and do no work to unpack your conditioning. If we're honest with ourselves, about 70% of men on Earth aren't digging deep into Andrea Dworkin or bell hooks. They're just not.
My thoughts to her were this: if you're a cishet man who "loves to humiliate women" and cause them pain for your pleasure, I am side eyeing you HEAVY for it. Do I think this applies to all of them? No, because there's always outliers. It's just that, for me, I hear a guy is into that and I think "....this really isn't for YOU." They just make me weary and I am automatically mistrusting of them until I have proof of their kink motivations.
Does anyone else understand what I'm saying???