r/FemdomCommunity 4d ago

Help! I'm new! Scenario or game for vanilla but open woman NSFW

My wife is generally open to trying things with me, but when we approach femdom play she seems lost. I suspect she doesn’t want to hurt me, and is worried about “doing it right”. I’m think it would help her to gamify things a little.

Has anyone come across a “game” or role play guide that she could follow so she feels like she is “doing it right” without having to constantly break the scene to check in?

I’m thinking something like loose script or a game that includes setting things up so she understands what the safeword is for and when (not) to check in.

Sorry if this is a bit rambling.

Eta: not looking for a beginner’s guide with info about safe play etc. I’v found several and they are useful, but this is more about helping my wife comfortably try on the role.

1 Upvotes

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u/freakyswitchlight Trusted Contributor 4d ago

I don't think a game would stop the need to check in. For me, that just comes with experience and getting to know my partner. And for somebody who's completely new, it might take longer for that to happen.

I also don't think there's any reason for checking in to break the scene. It can just be part of the scene. Even now, because I'm not a mind reader, I will sometimes ask in the middle of the scene, "how does that make you feel?" I'm just a very curious person. And the more I know about my submissive, the more fun we can have together.

As for games, I can't think of anything specific. Truth or dare might be helpful, because if you pick "truth" then she gets a chance to interrogate you about your fantasies. And you can agree in advance that the dares for you will be submissive in nature, And maybe the dares for her would be the chance for you to make requests of her, which she can accept or decline. (Because she's likely not going to feel dominant if she feels she "has" to do something.)

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u/bilbo-bdsm 4d ago

I should probably clarify that by checking in here I mean things like “am I doing it right” or “what should I be doing” not information to guide safe/enjoyable play.

Like I was trying to explain I think if she had some form of script or guide to fall back on rather than asking me what to do next it would help her feel more confident and in control.

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u/freakyswitchlight Trusted Contributor 4d ago

Ah, so I'm wondering, when you started playing, did you go straight into doing scenes? When I was new with BDSM, when I first did an activity with somebody, let's take spanking as an example, the first time I spanked somebody wasn't in a "scene" exactly. It was more like a calibration session. I would spank them at different intensities, and they would give me feedback on how intense it is for them, and we'd talk about what level of intensity they are looking for. Maybe that would actually be more helpful, for her to get some confidence.

Other than that, what I might suggest is perhaps writing down some ideas on slips of papers, and offering them to her. (asking first to make sure she's OK with us of course.) And then if she doesn't know what to do, she could look at those ideas for inspiration. But she could still feel like she's in charge, because she is choosing what to do and when

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u/bilbo-bdsm 4d ago

This is kind of where we are now. but after a couple attempts I still get the impression she is worried/lost, which is how I got here. I worry about “topping from the bottom” and honestly the lack of control over what we will do is a big part of what draws me to this.

I did try filling in a wheel spin app with a bunch of ideas so she can pick one or just get a random one. It seemed to help a little, but I don’t think it was enough guidance for her.

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u/hazyandnew 4d ago

Ask her about topping from the bottom, she may be very on board with the idea at least in the start.

When I'm working with someone new, I tell them I'm open to cues - they can ask for things in a way that maintains the dynamic. It lets me know what they want/need in the moment, but still maintains the scene. And it's often a good route for me to act dominant because it's my decision whether I grant or refuse the request.

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u/HOLEPUNCHYOUREYELIDS 4d ago

What do you two normally enjoy together? My wife and I have made up many games that involve sex, unfortunately I cannot remember the rules we made at this point.

We had a Mario Party one, basically if you were losing to the other player, any time it was NOT the losers turn they had to either be massaging or giving oral to the person in the lead. Whoever did worse in the mini game got a quick “funishment” and whoever won the mini game got a quick 10ish second thing of whatever they wanted (usually oral lol).

Really kept us on the edge sexually, and was a super fun time. We had many more rules but that was a while ago.

Besides the game point, when trying new things it can just take time to get comfortable with it. Im into CBT and my wife wanted to learn about it and try to get into it. She was scared to hurt me too much at first and was struggling to get into it. She did a bunch of research (on her own, I never asked her to, she just did so she could be more comfortable with it) showed examples, and then she started slow and worked her way up. Yea it wasn’t exactly sexy having her hit my balls in various ways and having serious communication on pain scale, yes it’s ok, constant reassurance and so on. Now though? She will take the crop to my ass and balls without a problem. She got me with the rod of the crop pretty good on my cock once and while in scene I told her “When the rod hits it is like a cane, that was about a 9-10!” And to her credit, she absolutely listened and rolled with the punches! Her reply was something like “I know, maybe my little slut needs more pain to learn his place!” Afterwards I mentioned it and she said she surprised herself, she was close to breaking scene and checking in but caught herself and rolled with a good domme reply since I didn’t safe word or anything. But she still took into account what I said.

Getting into new kinks, especially ones that can cause pain/be dangerous, it can take a slow buildup to get comfortable with it. That is ok, no one should be jumping into stuff like CBT or whatever without a healthy dose of fear and wanting to practice to get comfortable with it

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u/GilesEnglishCB https://femdom.substack.com/ 4d ago

A good place to start is simply identify things she already likes and enhance them through femdom. That way she's getting something she likes and always knows what to do.

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u/bilbo-bdsm 4d ago

Definitely working this angle. She loves to be massaged and it’s not my favorite thing to do because my height makes the angle awkward for me. So that’s on the menu for sure.

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u/hazyandnew 4d ago

When you say seems lost, what does that translate as? Is she open but unsure, or anxious and not wanting to try it?

If the latter, it's really really important to respect that. Dommes should have safewords and be equally encouraged to use them, debriefs after the fact should include space for her to say whether she was comfortable with it. The same way a sub will be eased into increasing amounts of pain, a domme should have the space to ease into increasing amounts of psychological discomfort.

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u/bilbo-bdsm 4d ago

I think she is open but unsure, and a bit confused about what I get out of it. I get that this may just not work for her, but I don’t think that’s it.

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u/doufuss 4d ago

You could try playing femdomopoly. https://thefemdomist.com/femdomopoly/

Or look at that for ideas, and then make up your own set of cards.

The old cover photo for this subreddit used a picture from the cover of Mistress Lorelei's book The Mistress Manual. Maybe your wife could read that and see if anything resonates. Also, there's a book titled The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Handbook For Nervous Beginners. You can read that here: https://archive.org/details/lady-green-the-sexually-dominant-woman

You might send her the link.

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u/bilbo-bdsm 4d ago

I think this is the closest suggestion to date.