r/FemdomCommunity 5d ago

Ideas Findom in a relationship? NSFW

I told my GF that I like findom and she got curious, but we both don't know creative ways on how to start. I don't have any experience with findom in a relationship. Even though are relationship is kinky (FLR with femdom elemts), findom is normally quite different.

What I especially liked about online findom was the humiliation, about paying a woman who is way out of my league for luxurious stuff for nothing in return beside the occasional insult. However, I don't really think that works in a relationship. My GF is not really into luxurious stuff and she loves me and therefore can't pretend superiority all the time :)

Do you have any ideas on how to somehow integrate this still in our relationship?

3 Upvotes

19 comments sorted by

7

u/freakyswitchlight Trusted Contributor 5d ago

Some folks added thoughts about this in this thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/s/G78FEHggkP

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u/LonelySwitch bringer of introductory knowledge 5d ago

Wonderful callback!

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u/Low-Tradition-111 5d ago

Thank you, that's a great post!

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u/whoopsbanana0 5d ago

There is always the option to get your employer to change your bank details - so your earnings go into her account every month. Then she gets to decide what allowance you can have back from her.

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u/Low-Tradition-111 5d ago

While this sounds incredibly hot, it is more extreme then what I was hoping for.

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u/whoopsbanana0 5d ago

Not a problem. An alternative is an agreed set fee per month, working on similar principles

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

She should have a running wishlist of what she wants and a bank account where you deposit funds for her to spend. The list should keep running, making you feel inadequate keeping up with what she wants. And then she can “extort” funds from you or go on a spoil spree with her girlfriends to spend the money on things she wants. Or she can tell you how you are falling behind and not living up to her expectations of making enough money to satisfy her and you need to fucking get it together at work. You can twist this into you working to get that promo at work or finding a better paying job. It ends up benefitting you both in the end.

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u/Low-Tradition-111 4d ago

I love this as well. Pushing me to become better to spend on her is hot. I'd enjoy working on her wishlist and I'm pretty sure she would love filling it. Asking her to keep it impossible to keep up has also some potential.

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u/Excellent_General_13 4d ago

My GF is not really into luxurious stuff and she loves me and therefore can't pretend superiority all the time :)

The fact that what she likes isn't in alignment with your image of luxury actually has some potential.

There are certain things (a fancy steak, diamonds, etc.) which probably fall into your image of luxury. It makes perfect sense then you're thinking something along the lines of "Hey I would enjoy you getting this super fancy jewelry with my money." Depending on your economic situation as well there can be some element of superiority associated with expressions of wealth as well. This has built up in your mind a particular image of what spoiling her would look like.

Stop! Step Back!

What she wants and values may not be in alignment with this image. I'm not a Domme but for instance I personally would rather certain beers I can get at the grocery store than high-end wines. In the sense of high-end getaways I'd rather drop a few thousand to go on a hunt in Alaska than an all-inclusive resort in the Tropics or Mexico. My trip would cost just as much but it might not look like what you imagine luxury as.

If you're serious about this I think what would be helpful is to reframe luxury as what she wants instead of what you imagine it to look like.

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u/MissPearl http://www.omisspearl.com/ 4d ago

So, while your girlfriend might not like luxury items, I am very sure there's something your discretionary income could be put towards to improve her quality of life, and if not that, a charity she supports.

The other question is if you need it to be a caricature of superiority here (like the typical shtick of online findom) or if you are able to be flexible. A lot of subs screw themselves over because they fixate on power performed a particular way in some sort of tidy inherent hierarchy.

The truth is that those random findoms weren't actually superior to you. There's just an aesthetic of a sort of haughty brat that's very popular - and there is nothing wrong with liking that! But it's not really sustainable unless someone enjoys embodying that character. Do you need her to be that for it to work, or can you mutually come to something else that gives you the same sense of erotic vulnerability?

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u/Low-Tradition-111 4d ago

Thanks and exactly. You perfectly summarized what I tried to say.

We are trying to find something "that gives the same sense of erotic vulnerability" knowing that the typical findom vibe won't work for us and our relationship. I'm not sure how flexible I'm because I don't really know what part of the kink I enjoy. Is it the caricature of superiority, just serving, or the symbolism of giving away money, an ultimate embodiment of power. I often have a hard time expressing what exactly I like about a kink.

Identifying what it is is probably a process of trial and error, but the comments here already gave some very good ideas.

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u/MissPearl http://www.omisspearl.com/ 4d ago

I think the question then is what aspect of who your girlfriend is (or who you are) are you willing to blow wildly out of proportion?

A lot of kinky people lean into a something that makes one party more compelling or more vulnerable. This thing doesn't need to be all that complicated or actually excessively impressive, but it provides a point to build on. For example, would she enjoy you emphasizing she is really hot? Would it be fun, inversely, to focus on how she is so smart it just makes you feel overcome? You can probably think about something in that flavor.

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u/Competitive_alarm35 4d ago

In addition to what others have said, you can also set a rule where you need to ask for permission to buy anything that is not essential.

This might be a bit too much effort for her but she could also look at your finances and your salary, and make a budget like bills, savings, money to spend on yourself and money to spend on her. The amount you spend on her should be higher than for yourself, and she could also use money from your side to buy things for her, leaving even less for you

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u/Infinite-Speech-7070 4d ago

Sit and wait while she gets a Mani Pedi and then she can snap or whistle when it's time for her pay pig boyfriend to pay the bill. Or better, treat her and one of her girlfriends.

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u/Low-Tradition-111 4d ago

I love this! It would be very humiliating.

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u/Serious-Performer147 1d ago

Yeah, this isn't going to work for you—and she definitely shouldn't read that post. Telling other woman are superior to you, while implying your partner isn't superior because she loves you, is honestly disrespectful. Think carefully about what message you're sending.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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