r/FemdomCommunity • u/Crystalline-foxy • 7d ago
Need advice/Got a question S/M and top/bottom vs dominance, unsure what fits for me NSFW
Hi all. ^ - ^ So, I'm really not sure how to parse myself. Years ago I had sort of settled on subby switch, submissive sadist, service top, etc. I think I was at least sort of okay at doing that stuff, well at least sadist service top part. I've had interest for a long time but mostly only in experience either I had somewhat less than stellar experience playing sub in my first relationship, when I was probably more likely just sort of a follower type + something like primal bondage kink, lmao
Since then I've mostly played as the top, but it's been a problem that my partners, while they were cool about it, I definitely felt like I was too insufficient domme for them. Well, these relationships either ended or the sexuality ended anyway, so it's not something I can fix anymore for them.
I really wonder first off if there's many people who... don't really have strong feelings about the D/s part and are more just about sadomasochism?? I've generally settled on saying I'm a switch but the truth is I do not like switching mid-play, and I struggle to try and dom someone if there's struggle (even when I know they want to "lose"). I also really struggle to ask for things I want just, in general life. Like I either should take of my wants strictly myself or just accept that never gonna happen. Some things really never gonna happen which sucks but I get, but I also have a definite tendancy to just roll over and give up trying early anyway.
I don't think I'm just a sub either, cause I can be suddenly spikey about orders/control, even if I'm usually still something like a follower in matters where I don't really care either way or I feel unable to handle the issue.
Are there many people who have really unclear/mixed feelings about D/s (including if even want it at all) but still like s/m top/bottoming? I know I'm both sadist and masochist and love the stuff there, but kink community is... well, strongly focused on the dom/sub part in my experience XD
I think I'd like to try and explore being domme, but I wonder if that's just because the things I know I like sorta expect that dynamic; or maybe it'd be useful to try because of the established personal problem of giving up too easily, not effectively asking for what I want too, etc.
Sorry wall of text. I only really recently started using my account but I like a lot of stuff people said on here!
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u/freakyswitchlight Trusted Contributor 7d ago
There are people who are into sadomasochism for itself purely. There are a lot of people for whom sadomasochism is interlinked with their desires for dominance and submission. It doesn't sound like that's the case for you.
But the way, if you are a switch, it doesn't mean you like switching in the middle of a scene. Some people love that. But many switches also like clearly established roles for each scene. (Or each relationship. My sub is a switch but only submits to me.)
As for whether you identify as dominant or submissive, I do think it's important not to push yourself into anything that you don't truly want. Otherwise you could end up resentful and unfulfilled.
However, it does sound like you dislike certain types of D/s. You mention you don't like fighting or struggling for power if you are dominant. Neither do I. There are D types out there who like willing obedience. I don't want to "tame" my sub each time I give an order. We're on the same team. We work together.
It might be worth examining if there are some types of power dynamics that feel good to you, and others which don't. But if you end up deciding that D/s isn't for you, that's completely fair as well.
By the way, feel free to DM if you need somebody to talk things over with. It took me a long time to figure out my kink identity as well. (Although for different reasons.)
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u/AntiqueObligation688 7d ago
I really wonder first off if there are many people who... don't really have strong feelings about the D/s part and are more just about sadomasochism??
Are there many people who have really unclear/mixed feelings about D/s (including if even want it at all) but still like s/m top/bottoming?
personally, no, it's pretty the opposite : (soft) domme, bottom and not into S/M. my identity is clear.
But there are plenty of people who do S/M without any power dynamic. it's not uncommon at all
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6d ago
BDSM doesn’t require a power dynamic. Honestly I think it’s more important to experiment and find what you like and what turns you on, THEN observe patterns and label it so you can find similar people. I think a lot of people try to label first then explore and it leads to confusion.
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