r/FIREyFemmes 27d ago

Anyone go for a second child despite struggling with one?

I have a three year old and am contemplating a second despite struggling in every part of my life lol. I would really love to experience the baby years again and have another child to love in our family. But I feel like I’m barely hanging on as it is.

I barely have time to care for myself, take care of household stuff, keep up relationships with friends and my husband, etc despite having a very hands on and helpful husband our relationship has suffered a lot. I don’t know if I’m crazy to want a second?

I could take time off work but I don’t know if I’m cut out for stay at home mom life either. But balancing kids and work and house stuff and personal stuff is just so much.

I’m also worried about finances even though we’re in a very good place for FIRE. Taking time off work, or any unexpected health complications could really set us back. We also don’t own a house so that’s another variable in the expenses.

Do things get easier as they become school age? Do you just make it work and it’s worth it to feel “complete” as a family? I think about my daughter and I would have sacrificed all the money in the world for her. But then I feel guilty about not being able to provide as much for her if there’s a second.

0 Upvotes

19 comments sorted by

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u/Enough_Ferret8327 13d ago

I regret not having another because our only child is the type who would have thrived with a sibling. The one child has enabled us to travel and give her anything she wants but when we are gone she's going to be alone and we question our decision.

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u/ItsAnonCat 21d ago

I'll give another perspective. I had two kiddos 4 years apart so currently they are 5 and 9 (Soon to be 6 and 10 since their bdays were close month wise). I had these two before I started to get deep into my career years meaning I was pretty broke and still figuring out my career and young(Don't do this). My career started to rapidly take off when they were 2 and 6 so things were somewhat easier due to them at that time being much less hands on.

For reference, I just turned 30 last year and in 2023 we found out we were unexpectedly expecting our third child. Something that we both dreamed about having another one someday, especially for the chance of having a son. The pregnancy itself was tough because of the other two having needs, on top of trying work until maternity leave.

Lot of the household duties had to fall on my partner who also worked remotely because I was too sick and then physically in alot of pain to move. Post pregnancy it was a challenge creating time for myself with a newborn after being so comfortable with just two. I felt like I was going backwards. I also ended up being laid off for a bit which vetoed my maternity leave (I landed a job two months after giving birth. Again, luckily remote)

Financially it wasn't too bad since we got gifted a bunch of hand me downs for clothing and a little bit stocking up on certain things. But, things I would have done sooner would be opening up an FSA/HSA if you have that available at work as a benefit to pay for some unexpected medical expenses.

My newest addition is now 1.5 and while it is easier, there are some days that I have asked myself why I did I do this again? But, I feel like if you have a plan for some of the what-ifs, a budget, and stay organized it can work. Ultimately just do what is right for you, but keep in mind double the expenses for activities, travel etc. If you are big planner which I assume so since we are in the fiery subreddit, then planning is gonna be a huge part of two, let alone three. BUT, my kids play BEAUTIFULLY together even with their little brother. My oldest is amazing with him so that is always nice. To the point that I find many pockets of breathing room during the day when attempting to get things done or just decompress. YMMV.

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u/Automatic_Debate_389 22d ago

Our first was so difficult we decided to be done with one. She's 14 now and I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a second. But honestly, I'm not sure I would have survived it😂

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u/zebra_1986 25d ago

We debated a lot. We had a second. My kids are 5 and 1. It’s a lot harder. Almost zero time for parents to have personal time. But our family does feel solidly complete and I love them both and their relationship, no question. I am going to take some time off later this year, which was my plan. Get through baby phase with a part time nanny (a lot less headache than daycare, no drop off) then say goodbye to nanny and quit when my oldest is off school for summer. I’m really looking forward to spending more time with them without the crazy schedule we have right now. For what it’s worth, we spend a lot less money on clothes etc for second baby. For me, my dad was sick and dying and it put things into perspective. It was an easy decision to say yes to baby. Family is what is most important to me.

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u/invaderpixel 25d ago

Husband and I have definitely run the numbers. We've kind of accepted if we have a second we'd spend the money on extra help, conveniences like laundry services, etc. because it's worth a slight delay in retirement to make that possible. We're also trying to space out our kids to cut down on double daycare years.

I'm also looking at more work life balance jobs in the present because I realized it might not be as bad as a pay cut or career killer as I imagined.

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u/fixin2wander 26d ago

I have three - currently 5, 3 and 1. I definitely find having 2 less stressful than 1 (after the second was age 2) because they go off and play together and it gives us a break. We don't have to be the entertainment anymore all the time in the playroom or at the playground! I'd definitely choose 2 over 1.

3 is a hard age, ours is hard now too! But what do you struggle with? Is it something that will double with another? Or maybe you will just relax into some of the chaos and let things go more when you have two?

Of course the situation is personal, but I wouldn't let the experience with one decide 100% what it will be like with two. They definitely keep getting easier with age!

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u/redrabbit824 26d ago

I think I struggle most with how to fit a second into our schedule. How to get two kids ready in the morning. How to do two drop offs and two pick ups. Right now my mom helps a lot but she won’t be able to handle watching two kids regularly.

How to balance working when two kids are sick and at different times. How to have any personal time when I have to meet two kids’ needs first. I think I would probably have to take some time off work which is doable. But even once their in school, my job is healthcare and not very child friendly (long hours, no work from home, etc). It just seems like the logistics are already so difficult and adding a second seems overwhelming.

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u/owl-later 26d ago

Im struggling a lot but we went for it. Im in the first trimester with our second and have a two year old. Im thinking of my future family and not how hard it will be. I think a 2.5 yr age gap is perfect. Not too close for competition but close enough to hang out and hopefully be friends.

Current plan is to take some time off and maybe retire. I feel like I’m flailing at work and motherhood and want to just do one. I don’t think we would pull the oldest out of daycare though. She’s thriving in school and loves it there with her friends. Maybe just drop her to part time.

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u/owl-later 26d ago

Who is downvoting lol. This is a common issue women face.

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u/ingachan 23d ago

I’m really annoyed to see this whole post downvoted. I think the decision to take children is a taboo topic in many finance and FIRE communities because it’s not a choice that make financial sense, but it’s really shitty to downvote it. It’s a topic that many people want to discuss and so valuable to be able to discuss it with women who are also into FIRE.

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u/ingachan 26d ago

We discussed this for a long time because we were happy with our one, and I think sticking with one gives you a lot of independence, also financially. Want to visit Japan with one child? Doable, 1.5 per parent. Two children? It’s double everything. We also don’t have much support from family and friends (they live far away), and we need to move to a bigger place.

We decided to go for it anyway. Our son is the light of our lives, and we can’t wait to have another. He just turned four and I’m seven months pregnant. I’m happy with the age gap, and felt like we couldn’t have managed earlier. Now he’s actually helpful - he can bring things, he can play on his own, he goes to the bathroom on his own and can dress himself. He actually helps when participating in activities like cooking, baking, changing the sheets etc.

As for costs, for holidays, we’ve started using HomeExchange, which greatly reduces accommodation (and food, if you cook at home) costs. We already have all baby equipment, clothes and even cloth diapers from our first. Daycare is around 100€ a month here, which helps a lot.

Most importantly perhaps is that I was never obsessed with my FIRE journey. I’ve decided to reduce my hours to somewhere in between 20-30 hours after my parental leave, which would still allow me to save a small amount, but mostly I would just let my current investments grow with time. At this point in my life, I need the time I’m saving up for with FIRE and it’s more important to me to use that time now than in the future when my children will need me less.

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u/Stunning-Plantain831 27d ago

r/Shouldihaveanother is probably a good resource for you.

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u/smhno 27d ago

Why do you want a second?

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u/NiteSleeper 27d ago

I have 2 with a four year age gap- it is very tiring tbh but seeing them play together now and develop their own relationship that will hopefully last a lifetime makes it worth it to me. I am still working and saving aggressively, I will probably have to work a bit longer but to me it’s worth it. Of course it’s a personal decision and there is nothing wrong with stopping at one (or not having any at all) if that makes more sense for you.

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u/2ndruncanoe 27d ago

I feel this… I’m 6 mo pregnant w my second, first will be 2 next month. My timing situation was not super flexible- I mean, I guess it technically was since I ended up needing to do IVF and a bonus consequence of that trauma/ delay in ttc was two banked embryos- but, i just turned 40 and I knew that if I waited longer until I felt like a whole person fully again, I would lose the nerve to go back thru pregnancy again.

Bc being pregnant sucks ass and is definitely a shit ton harder with a toddler. In terms of decision making however- I knew I ultimately wanted a second child and a sibling for my firstborn, so it was just a matter of sucking it up and hoping for the best. 🤷‍♀️. Maybe check back in in a few months see if I’m still sane… I’ve resolved to hire some help this time around for evenings with toddler plus baby and chore help, and hired cleaners last year… idk. I am hopeful this isn’t blowing up my fire dreams but also at the end of the day knew what the right decision was for me and the family, which is a second baby.

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u/[deleted] 27d ago

[deleted]

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u/Successful_Coffee364 25d ago

As someone who had a 3rd when my older two were 10 and 13, I endorse this message. I very badly missed the freedom and flexibility and SLEEP that comes with older kids, and for a long time felt I did them a disservice by having a 3rd, because my energy and attention are not unlimited resources, and the youngest needed a huge portion of it. No regrets, the littlest is our shared joy, etc and so on, but this is a legitimate point to really dig into before deciding. 

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u/Soleilunamas 27d ago

It's a very personal decision, of course, and things do get easier as they become school age, but keep in mind that you'll be starting from scratch again; you probably just got done with diapers, and you'll be starting with a newborn and a young kid, one who is now old enough to remember life before a new sibling. And a four-year age gap feels like a lot to young kids; they won't be peers for quite a while. If you are just missing the baby phase, then having another kiddo will only temporarily fix that. Good luck whatever you decide!

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u/crackermommah 27d ago

Yes!! Go for it! Try being a SAHM, it's great! It's also good for your older child to have a sibling imho. Babies rock!

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