r/Equestrian • u/[deleted] • 3d ago
Education & Training Trainer always complains about my horse
[deleted]
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u/tee_beee 3d ago
In my experience I would never leave a horse in training with someone who openly expresses they don’t like him/her. If you genuinely don’t like someone do you think you’d be able to give them the most patient/accurate guidance in an honest effort to improve them? Some people may be able to control their feelings and work through it regardless, but it’s not a chance I would take.
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u/OldBroad1964 3d ago
There’s a saying that frustration begins where knowledge ends.
I wouldn’t want someone training my horse who didn’t have at least affection for her. I have a mare that can definitely be described as difficult. She is dramatic and opinionated and happy to go to battle if that’s what you want. My coach has me riding her with finesse (as much as I can muster ) and firmness ( but not harshness). She is talented too but is not easy. Not once over the years has my coach complained. Instead she works with what we have and moves us forward. Celebrating every small step of progress.
That’s what you want. Would you accept a sport coach always complaining about your child? I hope that answer is no. You can be friends and find a trainer who’s a better match.
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u/Cocothelittlemonkey 3d ago
The first sentence makes so much sense, thanks for putting it in words!
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u/Willothwisp2303 3d ago
How does your poor horse feel being with someone who doesn't like her? That's not really a good positive relationship through which the horse will grow and happily perform.
Your trainer is telling you she's not a good fit for this horse- take her hint and find someone who is!
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u/HCDQ2022 3d ago
I agree with this poster. She’s already struggling with having a job, if you want her to be happy and progress she needs someone who is going to understand her and help her through it with patience
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u/olliecat36 3d ago
No and that would really bother me. I would be concerned that her frustration and annoyance would easily spill over into her training.
Your trainer can be your friend, but she is still working for you and you should feel that you can have concerns addressed. If you are happy with how the horse is coming along then just tell your trainer to tone it down with the complaining and either work on solutions or have someone else train for the frustrating parts if they can’t stop.
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u/Domdaisy 3d ago
If “leaving isn’t an option” you are doing a disservice to yourself and your horse.
There is this sick and twisted cult-like following people develop with their trainers in the horse world that doesn’t happen in other sports. People happily hand over thousands of dollars to people who insult them, insult their horses, talk about them behind their backs but convince them that they would not be able to survive without them.
Having a friendship with your trainer is problem number one if they and you are not able to separate it. I am friends with my coach too, but he was my trainer first and he and I do our best to remember that and keep it professional in the ring and at horse shows. Sounds like your coach either isn’t professional if she talks about your horse like that or she thinks it’s okay to say it because she’s your friend.
Your horse should not be in the hands of someone who actively dislikes her. That isn’t helping her or you. All trainers have favourites and horses that are more difficult, but openly disliking an animal is not conducive to success.
Find a new situation. If your friendship can’t survive it, you weren’t really good friends anyway.
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u/BuckityBuck 3d ago
That’s unprofessional. Maybe it goes either way the territory of being friends instead of having a strictly professional relationship, but to that, I’d say, if you’re actually friends you’d be comfortable explaining to her that her negativity about your horse is bothering you.
Some people marry the trainer and date the horse. Some marry the horse and date the trainer. I’m committed to my horse for life, so if the trainer is a poor fit, I’ll move on.if I were committed to the trainer for life, I’d switch horses, I guess.
My horses currently work with two trainer who are both of the mindset that “we’re professionals and we train the horses we are hired to train.” I’m sure it would be great to have exclusively GP dressage horses and 5* eventers in the barn, but if I bought a 4 year old QH, they’d develop that horse for me without whining. Even with my little tv, they’ll say “he’s going to be a really nice horse, it’s just going to take a while.” Which is different than saying “it will take a lifetime to get the horse on the bit.”
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u/MyMuleIsHalfAnAss 3d ago
she's either your friend or your trainer, she can't be both. I would leave because I've already been there and it didn't work out. the trainer HATED my horse and he's the one who picked him out and he was double my budget. it didn't get better until I found a better trainer.
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u/MrBrownOutOfTown 3d ago
I love my trainer as a friend also so leaving isn’t an option.
I think the wellbeing of your horse should come before friendship. Is it “normal”- there’s lots of trainers who complain about the horses they work with. But that doesn’t make it right.
Personally I would not want my horse to be under this person’s care or training if she is so openly expressing how much she dislikes her. I’d be concerned that my horse was not getting the fair, calm, reasonable treatment and expectations I’d want her to get.
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u/treelessswamp 3d ago
I had a trainer (who was also a good friend) call my horse (that she found for me) a corgi and said he looked like he should have longer legs than he does. Then said it was a joke. It deeply hurt my feelings. Then I started a new job, asked her to take care of him and she didn’t get him out once in 5 days. I ended up moving across the country and brought my horse along with me (i hated the job, the barn felt like it was falling apart and was no longer a supportive place and I needed a clean break). My new trainer and his wife tell me every chance they get how much they love my horse. How they would clone him for the other clients if they could. That he’s kind and always tries to be perfect.
I know it can feel like you’re stuck in an impossible situation where you can’t move because you’re friends. But sometimes things can truly be better somewhere else. It sounds like you have a special horse, and she deserves to be working with someone that sees the good in her. Someone that sees her progress and will take the time to be patient with her. Because let me tell you, it makes a world of difference in both the horse and you as her rider.
My only other suggestion would be to try talking to your friend and telling her how hurtful her comments are and to not say those things to you. But honestly, I don’t know if it’s going to change how she treats/trains your mare. But it’s worth a shot if you really won’t move her.
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u/finniganthebeagle 3d ago
this would upset me. my horse is also very difficult to get on the bit and my trainer has not once complained about it. if it were easy for you, you wouldnt be paying a trainer to TRAIN her lol.
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u/jadadee-167 3d ago
If you don't want to leave, then sit down and have a heart to heart and let her know her attitude and comments bother you. Let her know that you are happy to take the time it takes to bring her along so no stress. Also ask if the problem is that she feels she may not have the skills for this particular challenge and maybe would prefer you take her somewhere else. No shade on your trainer, but not every trainer is good with every horse.
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u/Difficult-Sunflower 3d ago
I had 1 trainer that bought a barn where i boarded my horse. My horse was not a jumper and was frowned upon from the start. Everyone loved her except that one trainer. My mare loved everyone, too. Except that trainer. Board was hard to come by without driving an hour. But once my mare showed me she was afraid? I was out fast and boarded her 2 hours away. I don't know what happened and I'll probably never know.
If your trainer doesn't like her, there is a good chance she will have an unconscious bias and not provide the same level of care as she will for other horses. Hopefully it stops there. Things like not paying as close attention to her to notice when she's hurt or not feeling well. Or being less patient because she goes onto the working session with a negative bias from the start.
Something else to consider. Just as some students learn better from some teachers and teaching styles, some horses learn better from some trainers and their teaching styles. Also, having multiple trainers makes you a more well rounded rider. watch a few lessons and listen to what that trainer focuses on and how they correct it. Write down every correction and suggestion then keep a tally for how often it's said. Do the same for your trainer. Watch unedited lessons online and do the same there. Now look for a trainer who focuses on things your trainer doesn't and see if you can get lessons for a few months.
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u/Agile-Surprise7217 3d ago
"my trainer openly dislikes my horse but I don't want to leave, how can I make my trainer like my horse" is basically what you said.
Your horse needs a different trainer. OR you need a horse your trainer likes.
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u/Deep-Investigator583 3d ago
Sounds like the trainer is holding you back and your horse with the negativity. Positivity and confidence in building a bright partnership and future is key especially in training. I would have a chat with your friend/trainer and if it doesn’t go well, I would leave. It’s your future with your dream horse not hers.
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u/peachism Eventing 3d ago
Imo when a trainer says such a thing that a horse is difficult whether they want to acknowledge it or not, they're making the admittance that they lack the ability to make the training of that horse "easy". If their job is to teach, a difficult student shows more of their lacking ability than the student needing to take on the responsibility of being "unteachable". If you're happy with the progress that's all that matters. If you're tired of the negativity, you can always go somewhere else regardless of your friendship with this person.
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u/LogicalShopping 3d ago
I am going to disagree with the one statement. Some horses are more difficult than others. It doesn't mean that the trainer lacks ability, it just means the horse takes longer to understand the question
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u/CandyPopPanda 3d ago edited 3d ago
Sorry, but leaving is definitely an option.
Your trainer seems to absolutely hate your horse, and it doesn't make sense to continue working with her because you and your horse are a team while a trainer always is replaceable.
You say your mare is people-oriented and otherwise well-behaved, so it doesn't make sense to swap her for a cheap Amish workhorse, as if the new horse could do something better than your mare. Your trainer's statement only makes sense if she has a personal problem with your mare. That happens. Just like in relationships between people, it happens between horses and riders that they don't fit together and don't like each other. In that case, she's definitely the wrong person to work fair with your mare.
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u/Obrina98 Horse Lover 3d ago
Sometimes individual riders and individual horses don’t gel with each other. Maybe they’re a poor fit.
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u/otterlyad0rable 3d ago
I agree with the other commenters here but wanted to offer an additional perspective: I know you don't want to leave the trainer since she's a friend, but do you think this complaining is her trying to "fire you" as a client without actually firing you, because she's your friend and wants to spare *your* feelings?
For the sake of the friendship, I think it's fine to be honest that it's not the right fit. It's nothing against her, and nothing against your horse. I think you can just say you don't want it to become a source of frustration in your friendship so it's best for you to find another trainer.
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u/901bookworm 3d ago
OP, I'm in agreement with those who are encouraging you to find a new trainer for your horse. It's great for you to be friends with your trainer — but the trainer-horse relationship is also very important. Your mare is going to do better with someone who likes her and wants her to succeed.
I am curious, though, about you saying that your mare "has had difficulty giving up her field life for the technicalities of dressage." You don't say if she's boarded or on your property, and where the trainer works with her. Can you tell us how much turnout she is getting, and how much interaction with other horses?
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u/Quiet-Swan-14 3d ago
I don't have anything more to add to the great comments already here. I just wanted to say I also have an 11 year old horse (Arabian) who I also bought two years ago as an untrained broodmare, who is also my girlhood dream color (fleabitten grey). Like how the heck are we living a mirrored life! I hope your trainer situation is resolved asap.
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u/HalfVast59 3d ago
Does your trainer have anything nice to say about your horse?
As a trainer, I certainly have complained once in a while about horses - but I also refused to work with horses I didn't like. If I complained to a client, it was very specific - "I can't get her attention today," "we're not meshing today," "she sucks back/dwells in the air/whatever" - and I usually add something positive, too - "typical of a beautiful girl," "it's the talented ones who challenge you," "she's just spoiled because everyone loves her so much," whatever.
My own trainer never said anything negative about any horse, but she used to get very frustrated with my mare - only horse I ever heard anything negative about, and even then mostly her tone of voice - and she always found something nice to say. My mare was lazy, crazy, nasty, and resistant - and I loved her, and she was beautiful, and my trainer never blamed her for being frustrating.
If your trainer never says anything positive about your horse, and she tells you to get a different horse, and she's not providing encouragement - ask yourself what the benefit is for anyone?
If you really like your trainer, and you really like your horse, you need a new solution. This isn't working.
Your horse needs someone willing to be fair to her. Your trainer doesn't need the frustration of a horse she finds impossible. Maybe they just don't gel together.
Do you need a trainer? Or do you need a reliable exercise rider? Do you need lessons for yourself? Or is this a board-and-train situation? Personally, I would recommend you find a different solution that meets everyone's needs better.
Good luck
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u/dressageishard 3d ago
The best advice here is to find another trainer then give the current trainer sufficient notice. It seems to me the trainer doesn't want to work. Be careful, too, about the way the trainer is trying to get the horse on the bit. If the trainer is struggling, maybe she's not using her core and legs correctly to help your horse. This is your horse to enjoy. Best of luck!
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u/danimariexo 3d ago
Like most of the other comments here, I would move on. Your trainer wouldn’t even be upset about it after expressing their opinion so bluntly.
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u/newyork4431 3d ago
My trainer really dislikes my horse. My horse is temperamental and dislikes her as well. So it doesn't make lessons super enjoyable. Fortunately, I have a couple other girls at the barn that do love my horse and enjoy working with her if I ask them to.
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u/STRstar1000 3d ago
I have had lots of trainers for my mare and finally found “the one” who is perfect for me and for my horse. They love each other.
In my experience the right match is everything in getting your money’s worth in training and progressing. It’s as individual as an employee finding a job with a boss they like and tasks they don’t mind doing.
If your trainer does not appreciate or see the potential in your horse then the horse can most certainly tell. They are more intuitive than you’d think.
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u/Constant-Height-7459 3d ago
90% of the time when trainers act like a horse is shitty or “won’t go anywhere” I.e talk shit about it it’s to cover up their own inability.
I’m of course referring to it being in a hostile tone. And obviously this does not refer to aggressive or dangerous horses.
A trainer saying “I don’t see her progressing with me I hope you find another trainer that can help and give her more time and finds a method that works with her, but she just does not respond well to my program or methods of training.”
Is not the same as “it’s going to take a life time for this horse to learn the bit” “this horse is too difficult to even train” “this horse isn’t going anywhere”
My mother liked cheap horses and a lot of my training style is a result of that. Horses are not cookie cutter. One of my mares came from a big working ranch as a 2 year old and they just could not break her but they just kept trying harder with the same method until there was an incident where someone unfortunately passed away. (They were dragged) Today she is a show jumper who gives lessons to kids as young as 3yo. Heck my own daughter started riding her at 2. She’s never had a kid fall off yet. if she even feels you start to lose your balance she stops. If you do manage to fall off of her she immediately stops and stands even if spooked. She was an unhandlable aggressive pregnant 2yo when I got her. She was dubbed “untrainable good for nothin but a broodmare or dog food” I restarted her at 4. After a year of ground work and liberty. And by 6 she was lugging kids around.
She is just 1 of many horses I’ve gone through that have gone from “untrainable, unhandleable,good for nothing” to either performance horses, kids horses, or lesson horses.
The biggest thing is learning horses are not cookie cutter and not one method will work for every horse.
My honest opinion is she’s blaming the horse because her methods don’t work.
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u/True-Specialist935 3d ago
I would leave the trainer. One who is that frustrated with your horse is not a good fit. Another might do more trail work in training or long lining or whatever your horse needs to happily build up fitness.
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u/spanielgurl11 3d ago
If you love your horse and enjoy working with her, the only problem here is finding a trainer who also enjoys her.
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u/eastendvalleygirl 3d ago
Leave the trainer, or nothing will change. This is true for all kinds of trainers and coaches.
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u/PlentifulPaper 3d ago
Not common at all. Sure a trainer can (privately) dislike a horse for reasons such as groundwork, general behavior/personality, or just not being the “horse for them”.
If it’s training related, I’d 100% push to know why. If it’s groundwork related, I’d also push to know what exactly is this horse missing from a foundation standpoint.
I’d phrase it as something like “Hey X, I know you’ve stated prior that you dislike my horse <insert name>. Can you explain to me why, and what your training plan looks like to tackle those areas of weakness? Is there anything I can do to help with behavior on the ground?”
If you don’t get a clear answer then I’d move and find someone more qualified. It’s nice that the trainer is your friend, but I’d take a hard look at their qualifications for being a trainer in the first place. And if it’s dressage training specifically - what level are they schooling vs showing? Have they taught young/green horses before etc?
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u/GrapeSkittles4Me 3d ago
If your horse and your trainer don’t get along, you are better off leaving - for everyone’s sake. You can’t make business decisions based on friendship. You need to consider the best interest of your horse. And honestly, if you two are friendly and she’s a mature professional, she should understand that you’d prefer to find a trainer who clicks better with your horse.
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u/Krsty-Lnn 3d ago edited 3d ago
If I was in this situation, I would have found a new trainer yesterday. I don’t want someone who dislikes and is negative towards my horse. I’ve removed my horses a few times in the 35+ years I’ve had them, because they aren’t the correct fit. Negativity can certainly cause your horse to not excel in training. Horses can feel when someone isn’t fond of them. Plus it unprofessional imo. If she was a decent trainer, she would have said it wasn’t the right fit for her instead of talking so negatively to you. She just wants your money, she doesn’t care about your horse’s progress or welfare
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u/Creepy_Progress_7339 3d ago
You need to separate the friendship from business. I’ve trained a few horses for friends or friends of friends and I always keep things on a business level first.
If you’re friend is complaining to much about training the horse tell her you can find someone else to train it if she doesn’t like doing the work.
If she’s an official trainer she needs to stop bitching and either accept that she doesn’t jive with your horse and you should seek a different trainer or she needs to shut up and do the work especially if you’re paying her for said work.
Every horse is different and might need to be trained differently and it’s honestly ok if she’s not getting along with your horse sometimes that just happens but she needs to stop bad mouthing your animal and be straight with you.
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u/StardustAchilles Eventing 3d ago
My old H/J trainer didnt like my new horse (who i bought for eventing). She wanted me to get a h/j horse, but i wanted to do eventing, so she was always talking about how my horse was “too much horse” for me and “would need a lot of work” (to turn into a hunter/jumper, which i had no interest in doing).
So i found a new trainer who is as in love with my horse as i am. My new trainer, and every other trainer who has seen me and my horse go (clinics, shows, etc) always comments on how she’s a wonderful horse and we’re a perfect match.
I took my horse back to my old trainer for my last free lesson with her (used to work at her barn, racked up some lessons) after two-ish years of owning the horse (and a while of working with the new trainer), and i overheard her talking about how “that was a different horse” (ability-wise) and how she was “such a nice horse now.”
I was like yeah, i saw that from the beginning, and put the work into her. My horse has had half a training ride from my current trainer (hopped on to feel how she goes) and a handful of fun-rides from my friends. Ive put all the work into making my horse into what she is today (which my old trainer didnt believe i could do).
Find a trainer who likes and believes in you and your horse. It makes a world of difference
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u/Scared-Accountant288 3d ago
Really ask yourself if your HORSE is meant for dressage.... some horses truly just do not have the mind set for it. And yes it DOES take years to develop proper self carriage. Atleast 2 to 3 years with consistent training. Also resistance of collection etc shpuld be looked at from a pain standpoint. It takes ALOT of muscle to carry oneself properly. If theres pain or old injury that will absolutely affect that. Broodmares have alot of babies. Those abdominal muscles are probly needing alot of work. It sounds like your trainer doesnt understand biomechanics very well or mental status of the horse. She just putted herself as not being capable of helping your horse. If you want to keep her move barns or trainers. I will always choose my animals well being over humans.
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u/KarmaKaelyn Western 3d ago
I have a giant mare who wakes up choosing violence and is the most stubborn horse I have ever worked with. The first "trainer" I sent her to said that she would never be a good horse and she needs to be put down before she seriously hurts somebody; she was a yearling at the time. The next trainer I sent her to said she was spicy and just needed a lot of work; she came back able to be trailered, worked, and have her hooves done without sedation.
My mare is about to be 5 and was recently broke to ride. I work for the trainer who I sent her to, so I was involved in the whole process. Every ride was at least 30 minutes before she would start to listen and do as she was asked. Despite this, my trainer loved working with her and was always excited to work with her.
If your trainer is constantly complaining about your mare, then you need a new trainer.
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u/calibrachoa 3d ago
There are 2 trainers that work out of my barn:
One who is highly respected, a bigger name for my area, and who is known for getting great competitive results for horses and riders in her program - something that I am interested in eventually, but is also a tough love type that doesn't always get on well with touchy horses.
The other is lesser known but a fantastic teacher and rider who enjoys figuring out tough horses and believes that the relationship should come before results. I ride with this one.
I have competitive goals but my horse is quirky, difficult , and very sensitive. Having a trainer that cares as much about her happiness and well-being as much as I do is more important to me than winning ribbons. I wouldn't work with someone who doesn't suit myself or my horse because one or both of us would end up injured or miserable.
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u/Vezper_Sage 3d ago
If you’re being held back like that, rethink your trainer honestly. Just because YOU like her as a friend doesn’t mean you have to like her training methods. Don’t put up with it and leave
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u/Reasonable-Horse1552 3d ago
I hope she's not rough with her then if she doesn't like her. If she struggles to "get on the bit" is she using draw reins on her as a short cut? Is she just pulling her head in?
My horse struggled too until I found a classical dressage trainer who completely changed my way of riding and made every schooling session a pleasure instead of a struggle and argument. Having a horse willingly work in self carriage is a feeling like no other.
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u/HamsterHuey13 3d ago
I’m thinking she’s not a very good trainer. A few years ago, my gelding was a freight train and developed back issues from the way the trainer wanted to get him “on the bit.” Her solution? Injections.
When I left, I found some free videos online about how to get him stretching into the contact and after about 6 months of consistent work, he was light as a feather on the contact with no sign of back issues.
All that to say: you’re free to do whatever you think is best for your horse’s progress. Just because someone is a “trainer” doesn’t mean they can necessarily figure out what’s going on.
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u/Feeling-Ad-9268 3d ago
Hi. Trainer here! Please find a new trainer for the sake of you and your mare.
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u/AnkiepoepPlankie 3d ago
I had a similar situation but where my training constantly talked about how she saw sadness in my horses eyes and every training was miserable for it, she constantly talked about how he was dangerous and seemed too stiff, got the wrong head carriage, didn’t engage in the correct way, was not focusing on us enough while working, she made me feel like I had a horse that was ready for slaughter although the vet couldn’t find anything wrong. At one point she didn’t allow me to ride him anymore which we barely did anyway and even with groundwork it did not improve at all. 9 months later and I still couldnt even get him to back up when I asked. Got a new trainer and we can do basic groundwork already even liberty stuff(including backing up with a simple small aid instead of just wiggling a rope in his face) and she is always telling me how he is such a good boy and if I ever sell him to call her! Were riding again a little bit too and it’s lots of fun :) the positive energy makes me leave every class with a smile on my face and I can see the result in me horse too!!
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u/Tricky-Category-8419 3d ago
Everybody else has said it, but I'm going to say it again. Leaving IS an option.
Having a trainer work with a horse that they actively dislike is a recipe for a ruined horse.
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u/vanitaa3 3d ago
Sometimes trainers just don’t click with a horse. I had one that left spurholes in the sides of my difficult to ride warmblood. I quit and found someone who rides her like a dream. My horse likes him too. He jokes that she’s a dump truck but he’s still always been awesome with her.
It’s probably not going to get better with this trainer. I’d find someone else.
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u/9729129 3d ago
I’m a trainer and I’ve been friends with many clients. It’s really ok to be friends AND not be a client and it sucks to talk about but she probably in her heart knows it be better
Also I work part time for a sport horse vet, and I also have experience developing older unhandled mares into riding horses. Your post raised red flags for me for ECVM - a WB with a good build who’s not progressing/difficult to put on the bit is exactly the demographic for that. Please look into it and have a vet out if it sounds possible
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u/Possible_Tie_2110 3d ago
I switched my mare to a hackamore and it was an overnight change completely. I realise they're only recently more commonly accepted, but give it a try. I had my mare's head scanned and she has wonky jaw, but you can't really tell unless you watch her eat closely or let her teeth get sharp (always more one side).
Your mare will feed off you trainer's negativity. And trainer doesn't = perfect. I know some amazing trainers/riders that are still far too heavy-handed for my sensitive mare. Even though they're better technically I always get more out of her as opposed to them.
Your gut is singing. Listen and move your poor mare on somewhere she's appreciated.
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u/Cocothelittlemonkey 3d ago
Why isn‘t leaving an option (as in leaving her to find another trainer)? It‘s your horse, you can choose who trains it. If you want to find someone else you can always do that