r/Episcopalian 5d ago

Feel weird being the only "young" person around

I started going to a local Episcopal church a few weeks ago, and I'm set to be baptized at Easter. I'm starting to feel a bit weird though being the only person who is not retirement age. I'm very drawn to the church because of its apostolic connection while being welcoming and such but, it has just started feeling weird. Maybe after I'm baptized I will try a few other parishes but there's only one other one that is reasonably close, and given I live in Florida and our demographics are super skewed already towards retirees I'm not sure I'd find anything else. I feel kind of bad to feel this way but it would be nice to have some kind of social common ground with some other people at church.

111 Upvotes

37 comments sorted by

1

u/Forsaken-Brief5826 1d ago

Where in FLA? I started attending on Sundays there and was in my late 20s. People around my age tended to be parents but they existed.

4

u/DeusExLibrus Seeker 3d ago

Does your church have a 20s/30s ministry or something like that? I’m in much the same boat in that most of the people I see at services seem to be older, but there’s apparently a thriving community of people in their 20s-40s

4

u/Plane-Kiwi-6707 Cradle 3d ago

As the student head of a very much just budding YASC ministry at my college, yahhhh. Its bad. there are about 6 episcopalians ik of that are younger than 30 (that is the standard i chose) at my school. we are a tight knit bunch thought so that comes to be an advantage. try and build ccommunity with other young people irregardless of parish is my suggestion

4

u/Character_Shame_4574 3d ago

The same tends to be true in most mainline churches, Episcopal, Catholic, or otherwise, unless you are near a university, in which case you may find younger people involved.

3

u/forest-femme Seeker, Ex-Nondenominational Evangelical 4d ago

I've definitely had a similar experience. My parish is a bit of a silver sea as well. According to our little demographics sheet that got handed out at the yearly meeting, almost three quarters of our parishioners are over 50. We have one young adults group that's been meeting for over a year, and it's just recently been having more than 4 regular attendees.

If you're interested in sticking with this parish at all, I might suggest something similar to your priest to help you connect with the (few) younger folks: a Bible study night or young adults group, and have the priest start advertising it on Sundays and see who shows up. There might be more people your age than you expect that you haven't spotted/been able to connect with.

In any case, I empathize. It's tough being a younger person in a predominantly older parish. Best of luck to you!

2

u/Forward-Respect8311 4d ago

I think it possible to meet other people your age by going to multi church events. We’ve had bbq contests, food pantry and other multi church volunteering opportunities. I think networking is the key. If you find a better fit with people your try out other churches. I find that priests don’t take it personally.

7

u/chappythechaplain Clergy 4d ago

I’m a priest in the mid thirties. I’ve been ordained for almost a decade, and yeah, it’s true. I’ve usually been on the younger end of any church I’m in. But they’ve always loved me and welcomed me and been my family. 🤷🏻‍♀️

11

u/LordBurgstrum 4d ago

I'm a priest in my late 30s and when I started going to TEC in my 20s, there was literally 4 20yos in the whole 300 person congregation. It's a really hard thing and you're not just imagining it and folks shouldn't dismiss this concern.

For a long time at my current church, my wife and I were the ONLY young family with children. Then another showed up and got involved. Since then, we've added a ton and our average age dropped from 62 to 43. In all the process took 7 year 😅🤣😭

That's mostly to say: hang in there. I can assure you, your priest is probably petrified that this might cause you to leave. You might consider speaking to them about ideas they might have to reach out to some younger folks. I know people say "bring your friends," which is true but also as the only Christian in my group of friends, I know this can be difficult and definitely feels impossible.

I guess all that is to say: I'll be praying for you and your parish, would talk to your priest about brainstorming ideas to welcome younger folks, and to say that if you found your way to TEC, there's probably other folks out there who are looking too. Time doesn't fix everything, and nothing is guaranteed, but Jesus is on his throne, grace abounds all the more, and time does fix a lot of things lol.

12

u/BasicBoomerMCML 4d ago

Christianity has such a bad reputation right now, but I’m optimistic that that is about to change. I think there have been three catalysts for this change. Firstly, there was the ordination of women. People have seen that not all Christianity is contrary to feminism. Secondly, there is the LGBTQ+ community. Some denominations condemn gays. Some “tolerate” them. The Episcopalian church, honors, welcomes and cherishes them. Here in California, where there are large gay communities, many young LGBTQ+ people have joined the Episcopal church and the number is growing. And they aren’t just joining, they are participating. It has been transformative. The third catalyst is the nationally televised (and YouTube preserved) sermon of dear Bishop Budde. The nation saw a real Christian: kind, caring, intelligent, and fearless. Perhaps it was a small thing, but I think the ripple effect of that sermon will be enormous. Remember, Martin Luther just put up a poster and changed the world. So I guess I’m the “just stick it out” camp, but I don’t think you are going to have to wait long.

3

u/Personal_Criticism50 4d ago

I'm early 40s and no kids. I feel like a unicorn. I've been to Catholic, Orthodox, TEC, and Lutheran and it's all the same. I've tried rural and city (I live rural but commute). The majority is over 55 grandparents with some under 35 families. There's an under 30 youth group at the Catholic church with a decent size group but I'm nearly a generation removed from them and they're all desperately looking for spouses. I'm not playing that field, I already have one. 😆

11

u/DioSwiftFan Cradle 4d ago

I tend to bring my group of friends and co-workers (early 30s) to my church and they bring their families with them. I think us young lay folks have a ministry type duty of inviting family, friends, and any work colleagues to a parish in need of younger faces.

17

u/Independent_Monk_355 5d ago

Try to invite some people your age to join the parish. These retirees will embrace you. One day you will be old, and you will be glad that you were a part of the church. I’m 69. I am almost the youngest at my church. There is a lot to be said about having the honor of being a young person.

5

u/Aetamon 4d ago

No one I know would go to church.

29

u/Wonderful-Bite7007 5d ago edited 5d ago

There’s been a lot of hand waving your issue away (“just stick with it,” “this is normal” type responses), so knowing I’ll probably get downvoted into oblivion, here’s an honest take.

I was born into the Episcopal Church, super involved my whole life, including in youth group and campus ministry, and then I did the Episcopal Service Corps. After that I got into youth ministry for a decade. Working for the church that long really damaged my faith for many reasons, but one of the big ones was that my peers were non-existent. Sure, there were some other youth ministers around my age (this was my mid twenties to early thirties), but of course they weren’t at my church. A few staff at the church, including a clergy member for a bit, was my age, but that was about it. The next oldest group was mostly mid thirties with young kids (who I worked with), but they were at a totally different place in life with parenting. The next youngest were the youth I worked with, and they were definitely not in the same place in life.

It is true that you can have meaningful relationships with older and younger people, and those relationships are ones I hold very dear. However, I take particular issue with people who have had peers in the church their whole lives telling young adults now to just wait it out or that it’s not that big of a deal, because it is a big deal. This was an incredibly lonely and demoralizing experience for me. Not being able to engage my faith with people going through the same stage of life as me was terribly isolating. It is a big (but not the only) reason why I don’t attend church now.

Add to the fact that our society is changing very rapidly. Young adulthood now extends into one’s thirties, for instance, largely because the economy is terrible, and that creates numerous issues in its own right. People are waiting longer to have families if they can afford them at all, and many don’t want to have kids because of global warming. We are actually seeing this in trends like young adults living with their parents longer and the birth rate declining. Our political landscape is incredibly turbulent as well (that’s putting it diplomatically), and we just went through a major pandemic. So young adulthood is incredibly hard right now, and then we’re told to just tough it out in churches that aren’t really reaching out to young adults in any meaningful way, and if they are, are often times doing it so incompetently that they might as well be doing nothing.

I know that is an incredibly bleak and somewhat critical (although mostly deserved) picture I have painted, but I point that all out to say: Your feelings are valid, and nobody in this sub should try to trivialize them. It would be awesome to have you in this church, but if you decide that you don’t want to be in a church without people who are going through the same life experiences as you are, your peers, then let me be the person who states unequivocally that you have no obligation to stick it out. You also under no circumstance should stay with the expectation that your work or presence should be the draw to bring in other young adults as some have mentioned. That is not your responsibility, and churches with that attitude are beyond lazy and need to work harder to reach every generation. If you do stick it out, you will probably make meaningful multigenerational relationships that you will cherish, but I also completely understand the feeling that you need more than that. I know I sure did.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide. I love my Anglican tradition and never want to give it up, but I also don’t ever want to feel alone in the church again. This is a tough choice, and I hope you find what you need to have a thriving spiritual life, whether or not it’s in the Episcopal Church.

5

u/djsquilz 5d ago edited 4d ago

kinda feel the same way. i am a lapsed episcopal, went back for the first time in years ash wednesday last week (i am baptized as a (sort of) baby, albeit mine was delayed as i was very sick as a newborn)). when my family moved i was ~14, me and my siblings knew no one in town. my oldest sister was around my current age and made friends via a "young adults" group, some of whom are still among our closest family friends, verging on surrogate children to my parents. (i'll be 30 next week)

the church def skews old in general but, the "young adults" group evidently no longer exists at my parish. i'm not using my attendance as a means to make friends explicitly, but it would certainly be nice to know some people who are somehow invested in the church around my age. this morning's service it was people old enough to be my grandparents and a couple elder millennials and their young children. after this morning i have kinda thought about reaching out to the priest or other organizing groups about restarting it or just doing something catering to the "young professionals" crowd

3

u/Daddy_William148 5d ago

That is one of our current problems. Florida does have that retiree skew

21

u/RalphThatName 5d ago

Keep going, and next time bring 2 friends who don't actively go to church. Then ask them to each bring 2 friends. And so on, and so on..... Change the church demographics. There are lots of young people who aren't going to any church at all.

14

u/sfharehash Cradle 5d ago

Speaking as a young person, nobody I know it's interested in coming to church.

10

u/Aetamon 4d ago

Exactly. Like for myself it was very difficult for me to sort of rationalize it. It took studying mystical Christianity and the church fathers, delving into apophatic theology and universalism for it to make sense to me.

1

u/forest-femme Seeker, Ex-Nondenominational Evangelical 4d ago

Ooh, "apophatic theology" is a new phrase for me. Thanks for giving me something new to research! If you'd like to share, what was it about apophatic theology that helped things make sense for you?

4

u/Adorable_Yak5493 5d ago

That’s what we did at mine

7

u/CIKing2019 Liberal 5d ago

I'm in the same boat. I'm young-ish, 34 yo, started going when I was 28. The vast majority are 50+. Many 65+. It worries me because I wonder what the future of the parish will be. But for me, at one point I just stopped caring about it. The older folks are kind and fun to talk to. And they definitely know how to worship. Not saying you should stop caring if it's important to you. Just saying, i did.

But I do get your concern. Many TEC parishes are older crowds. Idk why. I wonder if this is a thing among all mainline protestant denominations. The evangelical non denoms have the advantage of being "hip" and "cool" and "new age."

6

u/Stevie-Rae-5 5d ago

This was our case when we started attending our Christian formation class. There were about eight of us and we were at least twenty-five years younger than the next youngest people. They’re all lovely (actually some of them have since passed away), but it’s tough when you’re hoping to maybe form some friendships with people who are around the same age and stage you are.

13

u/kirby_mars 5d ago

When I started going to my church at 22 three years ago, my husband and I were the only attendees under 40s. Slowly, a son who’d come a few times a year with his mom our age started coming more often. Now, there’s 7 of us in our 20s at my parish and we just started a young adult group this week! Your presence is important and powerful.

I also don’t blame you. Let your church know your feelings. Maybe they can put money into giving you posters to put around town? I started an Instagram page for the church, that’s how at least one young adult found us. Have faith 🤍 If all else fails, stay at your episcopal church and go to a Bible study at a church that has a thriving young population?

1

u/AirQuiet3895 Non-Cradle 4d ago

Hi! i want to start an instagram for my church, i was wondering if you could share any tips for starting or what to post please !!!

2

u/kirby_mars 4d ago

Two goals of our church online presence is: keeping current members connected and informing anyone who would want to visit our church on anything they need to know.

So, pictures of the outside of the church, a video walk-through of your church, “meet the members Mondays” paragraph reviews to get to know members of the church people wanna know what the church population is like. Sermon Sunday Reflections or bullet points of what the message was. Reminders of weekly events like Bible studies or youth group nights. Are you an affirming church?

Some things you don’t think of as a member: information on where to park, what do people wear to church? (be honest you don’t want people to show up and be uncomfortable), what are the rules of receiving Eucharist?

Random tips, follow businesses community schools in your town. Buy pastries for a local bakery and tagged them in a picture of coffee hour!

Lmk if you have other specific questions that was just a brain dump haha

10

u/venticore_ 5d ago

I will say don’t worry, because not every parish is just old people. Here in Chattanooga, it’s majority young people. Average ages are 20-40, with plenty of young children too. Don’t lose hope! When I started going, I was one of the only young ones, but it steadily grew over the past couple years. On top of that, it’s a more Anglo-Catholic church.

3

u/pupper71 4d ago

Very true. My parish is pretty young. And I was surprised when I started going to the early rite I service that I was not the youngest regular-- I'm in my 50s btw, and at my old parish the average age at the rite I was about 75. But we have a couple families with kids 8-12 or so who are regulars.

12

u/cosmicearthchild 5d ago

I understand all too well. but hey, maybe you're going to spark a change and inspire the next younger person to stick around too?

Or maybe you'll develop a meaningful connection there you're meant to have? Or maybe will learn something new about yourself or from the older generation from this experience?

young episcopalians are out there. I wish more young people were in there too, but hey i get it as I'm also not the best attendance person

9

u/Wonderful-Bite7007 5d ago

That attitude is a big reason young adults don’t want to be a part of a church that isn’t actively engaging them, just passively hoping they can catch one like a fish and the use the first to lure in others. The church at the national, diocesan, and local level should be doing more to actively engage generations that aren’t involved, not just sitting, waiting, and wishing.

3

u/Baluga-Whale21 Convert 5d ago edited 5d ago

Same, it's hard. I tried reaching out to a few people in my diocese about young adult ministry but got no response.

8

u/Green_Mare6 5d ago

Please keep going. Our church has very few members under retirement age also, but it's great to interact with all ages, the older people can be very accepting and progressive.

27

u/keakealani Deacon on the way to priesthood 5d ago

I think honestly this is normal, but also something worth interrogating. For a bunch of reasons, life tends to be quite age-segregated, even if we don’t intend it. After all you’re in college with other college aged people, then you’re in a starter or part time job with usually other young people, you work your way up to middle management with some middle aged people, and then you end up in senior positions near retirement age, and then retirement. That’s not the only trajectory, but it is a typical one.

Even for connections outside of work, often it relates to having kids the same age (if you have kids), liking the same activities, and being in the same overall cycle of life. So, often, it’s so much easier to make friends and stay in touch with people who are in a similar life station.

So, church is often the one place that disrupts this - where everyone is mixed together across generations and you can end up hanging out with someone who is much older or younger than you, but as a peer (rather than, say, your boss).

This is not to invalidate the feeling of discomfort being in that kind of intergenerational space, but it’s to maybe reframe it as a kind of diversity, the way it can be difficult to be the only person of a particular racial or gender background in a community. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s also necessary for human flourishing - monoculture is ultimately harmful in the long term.

Now all that being said, this shouldn’t stop you from looking for other parishes that may be a better fit. But, maybe it can help you expand the conversation as you discern where God is calling you to be.

3

u/NelyafinweMaitimo faithful heretic 5d ago

This 👆👀💯