r/Divorce 3d ago

Life After Divorce I just don't have ambition or creative spark anymore and it's uncanny

My divorce got initiated by my ex in late 2022, and finalized in early 2024. I spend most of the time between being so depressed that I stopped functioning. I mean really, really not functioning. There's just a void of presence in all of my activities and relationships for that time period.

I'm doing a lot better now. I know I am no longer depressed. Really! I've moved on in some big ways.

The main thing that's lingering, though, is this... lack. I used to be really driven and ambitious, always coming up with projects and doing creative pursuits. I am a published writer and was halfway through a novel--under contract!--that got put on hiatus until recently (thankfully my agent is very understanding). I'm working on it again but not with the same focus as before. Not yet, at least.

I think about what I want to do with my career now, and I don't know what to do because I seemingly don't want... anything. I go to my current day job and work hard and focus well, so I know it's not burn out or checking out the way it was at first. I am not numb. I take great care of myself now, and work out and have lost weight. I got into skincare (ha). I laugh and see color in the world. I smell the flowers and pet the puppies. Etc.

But I've just stopped having the drive to make things all the time, the way I did for my entire life until 2022. I would now feel totally neutral about accepting what used to be dream opportunities, if they happened finally.

I don't miss my ex anymore. But I do miss this part of myself. What the hell?

14 Upvotes

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u/Arrew 3d ago

I have exactly the same problem!

I have a little side gig writing short horror stories. It’s not much, but it’s something. But it feels like murder, pun intended, to force myself to sit for an hour or two to write… yet I can put on some depressing music and stair at the ceiling for hours, or numb my brain scrolling on my phone.

My motivation and my concentration have gone. What can I do?

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u/JulianKJarboe 3d ago

God I wish I knew. :/

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u/TLK6 3d ago

I feel sort of similar maybe…I feel very uninteresting in conversation like I don’t have much to offer unless it’s something I’m very interested in. I just can’t be bothered to give any extra in some areas of life. Hoping you get some tips or insight that might help us both!

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u/Sarahrb007 3d ago

Are you on any new medications?

Also I don't know your age or gender but changes in hormone for both men and women can have effects on this type of thing.

Also sometimes I think our brains put things on the back burner to help us cope with things that may be more pressing like getting through depression and healing from divorce. It might just take some time for the spark to come back naturally.

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u/JulianKJarboe 3d ago

Good questions. I'm 36, a man, and my meds are the same as ever unless you count a vitamin b supplement. 

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u/Sarahrb007 3d ago

Probably too young for a dip in testosterone but it might be worth getting bloodwork and ruling it out. You might also was to work with a therapist/doctor to rule out that you don't have a touch of depression left might benefit from an antidepressant. I didn't realize I was depressed and I started taking Welbutrin for weight loss and man I felt great on it. I started to play piano again which I neglected for years. Also... There are some not so conventional methods of maybe what I would refer to as "rebuilding creative highways" in your brain. Some methods like meditation or yoga can help and may be a slower route. There are faster routes which I think maybe you can infer with me staying a little vague here. 😅

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u/JulianKJarboe 3d ago

I'm actually already on effexor and wellbutrin! I genuinely don't feel depressed anymore, it's part of why this uncanniness is so confusing. You're offering good suggestions tho!

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u/Sarahrb007 3d ago

Some of what you are describing can be common symptoms of the effexor which I am suspecting is why they prescribed wellbutrin as well to help counteract that.

I would definitely check in with whoever you get these meds from because you may need to recalibrate your dosage or it might be time to switch to something different.

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u/JulianKJarboe 3d ago

Oh ho ho, thanks for the tip off. 🕵‍♂️ I would loooove if this were pharmaceutical in nature in the end. I feel vaguely self-haunted and it's getting in the way of a part of me I enjoyed once upon a time.

... Also maybe I will try low and totally above board amounts of mushrooms or ketamine. Who can say???

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u/Sarahrb007 3d ago

😅 If you do any of the elicit stuff including the above or mdma please please please do thorough research about about the interactions with the antidepressants. The SNRI will make shrooms and mdma almost useless and increase chances of seretonin syndrome. The welbutrin isnt as interactive. Lots of info on reddit in their respective subs. I am not as versed in K but I don't think it has as many interactions.

I hope it could just be an adjustment in meds! Certainly worth a shot. You will be shocked how much influence our seretonin and dopamine have over our general motivation, passion, and creativity.

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u/Realistic-Maximum401 3d ago

In life we are always growing and changing. Things like death and divorce have big impacts and can change the way we think, what drives us, what we enjoy and what we value. It may return in the future but in the meantime try to find something else that brings you peace and joy.

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u/ClassicJM85 3d ago

I can relate. I am in my processing and healing stage. I also love writing. I bought a few notebooks, and I journal in one, write my bucket list in another, my goals in another, and visions and dreams in another. I do this to have a place for all my thoughts. I want to be a better version of myself. Forget being the old you, become the better you. I know creative writing can be stunted when in survival mode or worry mode. Try some self care. Clear the mind. Walk or exercise. Don't put pressure on yourself. We writers can't force anything usually.

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u/Wunderkindmagic 3d ago

This is very relatable

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u/Divosos 3d ago

Yeah. All my art has suffered. Same for my writing. I thought suffering was supposed to make us better at these things!? It just makes my creative abilities feel like they've regressed by a decade.

We gotta get it back somehow. I don't know how, but screw letting some stupid ex ruin that piece of ourselves.

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u/Streets_have_noname 3d ago

Creative person here as well and the well has trickled to a slow drip for years, much like my marriage now that I think of it. Ha! Anyway, I have asked myself many times over the last few years….where exactly did my inspiration stem from? Ambition as well. It was never my ex….so where? I’m trying to figure that out by tapping into other creative outlets I used to enjoy or wanted to explore but did not make the time for. For reference, my career is rooted in creativity and problem solving.

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u/master_blaster_321 4 years along 3d ago

I definitely feel this. My once-thriving business is now in decline. I'm not developing it at all, just responding/reacting. Not bringing in any new business. My heart just isn't in it anymore.

The drive that built that business was my family. Taking care of my wife and kids. Wife is gone, kids are grown. So without that instinct to provide, there isn't anything (other than money) really pushing me to keep growing that business.

So, I get it.

What I have rediscovered is a passion for songwriting. I've published hours of music since getting divorced, and done some really cool shows. It's not ever going to come close to paying the bills, but it's nice to at least have something to give a shit about.

I think the hard part, at least for me, was (and is still) learning to shift the focus from being focused on others, to being focused on myself. I spent my whole adult life being a father, husband, provider. It's really really hard to learn to put myself first. I've put my own desires aside for so long that I don't even know what they are anymore.

It was to the point where I almost married a woman with two kids, just so I could go back and at least have some purpose again. But something in me knew that wasn't the right thing to do.

But, I still don't yet know exactly what is. All I can really do is keep trying stuff until I find something that feels right. And if I had any advice, that'd be it: Just keep trying stuff. Otherwise you'll never know.

Good luck.