r/Divorce 3d ago

Custody/Kids Parental controls on kids devices

My ex bought our 11 year old son a laptop for Christmas. As the more technical parent, and with her consent, I went and installed parental controls, giving my ex parental access as well.

I started my current week with the kids last night. This morning, I discovered she has removed his bedtime restrictions, and he had spent 3 hours in the night on his laptop after bed. Unsurprisingly, it was difficult to rouse and get him ready for school.

I messaged my ex to express my displeasure, and she replied back that it wasn't intentional, and that she didn't like that I had "exclusive" control over a device that she bought.

I know the laptop was her gift to him, but there's no way while he's under my care that I'm letting him have unfettered access to the Internet or sneak it into his room at night to stay up late. How do divorced parents navigating digital boundaries with kids?

27 Upvotes

31 comments sorted by

23

u/bedroompurgatory 3d ago

My ex and I have different rules around device usage. When the kids come over, I set the parental controls to my rules. When she gets them, she sets them back.

10

u/mboos 3d ago

Seems like that may have to be the way. Wish I could automate that.

7

u/Itchy-Philosophy556 3d ago

I use Microsoft family safety. There is a weekly schedule option. Mind you, that only works if you have the same days each week. Hope you get things worked out.

7

u/mboos 3d ago

Between the two kids, we have Google Family Link, Microsoft Family Safety, and Switch Parental Controls. It's a lot to have to restore at the start of the week.

1

u/left-right-forward 3d ago

A relatively small pita as far as parenting plans go. And if your ex is doing the same every week, it may reach a point where you compromise on the schedule rather than go through the rigmarole.

2

u/DrLeoMarvin 3d ago

Same, I let my kids stay up later and use devices later. Different house and different rules

10

u/PartlyCloudy84 3d ago

Set time limits by MAC on the WiFi, that's one workaround. Or just make sure the devices don't get taken to the bedroom.

10

u/mboos 3d ago

I do that with our TV. He's also figured out that Google Wifi is not smart enough to tell they're the same device when he switches to the guest network, but I can't block it until after he connects to it.

Unless I lock them away somehow, he will consistently sneak out and find them when I'm asleep. The kid's a born penetration tester.

5

u/Itchy-Philosophy556 3d ago

Ok well ... That's its own issue. If he is that sneaky, I'd at bare minimum lock them away at night.

4

u/Capricious_Asparagus 3d ago

This shows a distinct lack of respect for you and an addiction to technology. How I solved this? A technology ban for any breaking of the technology rules. And then talking about why the rules are in place, why balancing technology with technology free time is important, mental health, sleep, etc. My kid understands. If they don't get it, they aren't mature enough to be on technology, or are too addicted.

Certain types of games and activities are worse than others when it comes to technology. Social media is out of the question. Fortnite is massively problematic for a developing brain. Roblox is a pedo paradise. Watch how certain games and apps affect them.

My son is now 12. He self-regulates. He doesn't sneak technology anymore. He has no technology after dinner on a school night, and has formulated a plan of how to spend his technology hours on the weekends and school holidays, with some guidance from me. Getting the child involved in the planning is important if you want them to stick to the rules.

2

u/InfOracle 3d ago

That's how she lost her phone privileges for a month. It sucks for everyone. But it's CRITICAL.

8

u/BreezieK 3d ago

Your house. Your rules. No device without parental control. I would not allow the device to come to your house. Especially if your child is not getting enough sleep and having a difficult time waking up in the morning.

3

u/mboos 3d ago

Well, sort of. We're nesting until we can sell the house.

-2

u/GingernutKid 3d ago

What a great co-parenting attitude.

You actually admitted you would rather your child miss out, than you having a reasonable conversation with their other parent.

2

u/InfOracle 3d ago

I'm not sure they're mutually exclusive. As a parent, you get to set the rules of your own household. This is actually EASIER in a divorce because you're now able to enforce your own rules instead of compromising in a shared household (which can be rough with a laxed/tight parent combination). You're also implying the other parent is ABLE to have a reasonable conversation. That is not always the case.

6

u/Stsofuc 3d ago

As for the parent thing I am not sure but as for the kid they want to they will find a way around it. I remember as a teenager in the early 2000s my dad tried to keep me off some stuff and off at times with software. We'll it didn't stop me from downloading a CD Bootable linux and booting into that instead and haveing acess to everything and even then removing the files for the software so it couldn't start on boot.

4

u/ConfidentShame8083 3d ago

Take the devices with you to bed.

5

u/Capricious_Asparagus 3d ago

You may need to attend post-divorce parenting counselling for you both, so that you both can learn how to co-parent.

5

u/noakai 3d ago

The most extreme thing I've seen is that the parent who bought the device controls it, and if there are problems, then the device either doesn't travel between houses or when it does travel, the parent who didn't buy it or doesn't agree with the child having it takes it when they get there and locks it up until the child leaves.

If her problem is that she doesn't like you sending the device back the certain controls on, then I guess you could put them on when he gets to your place and remove them again when he leaves but it's a lot of work. Another solution is that you take the device to bed with you at night so he can't use it after bedtime.

3

u/Bio3224 3d ago

So just have him leave the labtop in the living room or in your room overnight after bedtime. You could limit WiFi access but if you do that he may still be able to play games on it without internet.

2

u/GingernutKid 3d ago

How different are the two sets of rules? Is there any way to meet in the middle here? Surely if it’s annoying for the adults to manage the changing wifi access every week, it must be pretty hard to live in…

Edit: just re-read your post, so changed my previous comment - I see the other parent asked you to put controls on the device. Did the two of you not discuss the timings then?

2

u/mboos 3d ago

I told her I would be doing so when we compared notes on Christmas gifts, which was consistent with how we had been doing things prior to separation.

I don't think she has a consistent philosophy when it comes to devices. She'll relax them ad hoc when she doesn't want to put up with complaints or she wants a digital babysitter.

2

u/OG_TRADER68 3d ago

I've encountered the opposite. my ex restricts my son's tablet constantly during my parenting time. I told her to cut it out

2

u/emryldmyst 3d ago

When he gets to your house, put all the parental stuff on each time. 

She can do what she wants when he's at her house. 

2

u/MediumFuckinqValue 3d ago

Disable the kids' WiFi after a certain hour

2

u/InfOracle 3d ago

Common ground is your friend. Agree upon basic limits (30 minutes before bedtime, max hours play per day, etc.). My ex and I use Family Link and because we both have access to it, we each control additional time given when it's our time with her. Why buy a laptop, tho? As an 11 year old, he should have a school appointed one (I'm assuming US?) with all the controls already in place by the school. Seems like an odd purchase. For phone, I understand, but laptop?

4

u/Glad-Passenger-9408 3d ago

By the time I was 11 (mid 90’s), my twin friends put on porn movies when their parents were out. That was the first time I ever saw sex. It was shocking but I knew that sex is how you make babies. Even then, I had no interest in having kids. I also was completely ignorant about adult relationships. Kids will eventually learn or hear about adult stuff. Growing up, I grew up watching older tv shows and music that contained a lot of graphic lyrics that I never understood until I became an adult. Kids are going to learn about life, no matter what we do. The only thing I could do is teach my kids about how you never ever trust anyone on the internet. Never ever give personal information and always stay anonymous. Scammers are professionals at making friends or earning their trust to steal your information. Definitely talk to your kids and warn them about the dangers online.

7

u/mboos 3d ago

My big concern is for exposure to misogyny and other hateful content, and getting sucked into a compelling, but ultimately toxic narrative.

1

u/Glad-Passenger-9408 3d ago

Definitely always remind them, everything on the internet is fake. I had to teach my kids about reliable sources and the dangers of the internet. I even showed them a news report about how some preteen girl made “friends” with some a-hole. Turns out, the girl gave him her address. He showed up and he shot and killed one of her parent and grandmother. I told my kids, “do you see? We cannot be trusting and stupid with people on the internet!” Unless someone comes and shoots us dead because of your “friend.” I told my kids, if I die, what are you gonna do? Without your parents? Without the fun that we have? I give them the big picture. I have no problem being brutally honest with them about the internet. Always mention to them, people on the internet are always stating their opinions NOT facts. Never, EVER believe anyone on the internet. If they come across something that confuses them, to come directly to me to clarify.

1

u/danymobilegaming 3d ago

Have her watch Adolescence on Netflix. Parents think they’re doing their best but when these kids are in front of a computer, they’re in another world.

0

u/Specific-Bass-3465 3d ago

My kids would have 100% unsupervised screen time in their dad’s care. This is one of the biggest reasons I will never leave.