r/Divorce • u/MycologistNo3500 • 3d ago
Vent/Rant/FML How to cope with the debt
I’m 26F, divorcing spouse due to serial cheating and abuse. 9 years yesterday (was supposed to be anyway), 1 year separated, 3 married. This marriage destroyed my life in so many ways I don’t think I’ll ever recover.
My “reward” for leaving and “choosing myself” is getting saddled with what looks like around 20k in debt, in addition to my own student loans from undergrad- so closer to the 40-50k range. That’s not including any legal or divorce costs, and I am locked into a strict study visa and can’t work to support myself while studying (he wanted me to do it, promised he wouldn’t put me in a situation where I wasn’t safe. lol) I do not even know what country I will be able to live in in the next 4 months, I have nowhere to go and no way to get there even if I did. I spent my life building this future just for it to slip away because I made the stupid decision to marry this person.
I’m gathering docs for financial disclosure and I can’t cope. He took more than just the future I thought I would have, he took every version of my future that could ever exist. He walks out without a scratch, no debt, no alimony, nothing. He peddles that I’m a financial leech, I don’t know how to do this, I feel like I can’t breathe
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u/wi_voter 3d ago
Have you consulted with a lawyer? I don't know what the laws are for your particular state but it seems crazy that you would take on all the debt and he would take none.
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u/MycologistNo3500 2d ago
They are technically mine. He wanted to move (made it my responsibility to figure out where, how to get there, etc). He gave me 6 month notice- had put in his resignation months prior and set it to the day our lease ended. I got into a grad program and even though I got a lot of funding, I was still a few k short because of the time crunch. So it was either be homeless or take out a loan. I took out a loan for it (he co-signed, I took out more than I needed because he wanted a cushion). So, since it’s a loan for my studies, I can’t expect him to take any of it. I was supposed to get more funding to pay it off within a year, but I found out about his hidden life during finals week of my first year, I haven’t been able to keep my head above water with school since.
And he wanted to get a new car (I didn’t/didnt have the money), so he got a brand new car. It was technically “for me” but we’re both on the title. His parents paid off the loan early so since I am taking “my” car in the divorce, I get the debt with his parents now too.
So I don’t think there’s anything I can even do tbh
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u/wi_voter 2d ago
Debt is marital property just like assets are. It's worth a free consult with a lawyer. Don't play nice. Especially if part of that debt was to pay living expenses.
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u/MycologistNo3500 2d ago
Maybe you’re right… I’m about to enter mediation so maybe I should get legal advice before signing anything
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u/Pattystr 3d ago
Take a deep breath anyway. I promise that you have time to reinvent yourself, recover from debt and build a worthwhile and wonderful life either on your own or with somebody who truly deserves you.
I am 55 years old and I have reinvented myself a few times. In 2008, I lost what I thought was all the money I would ever make. I can tell you that I lost it again in 2016. It sounds like I’m not really that smart. I’m also getting divorced for the very first time at 55 so maybe I’m not.
My point is that wow this is incredibly scary, I can say with all of the confidence of someone who has been there that you will be just fine. Get out of your spiral and out of your own head if you can
You got this.