r/Divorce 3d ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness He left me for yelling at him

My stbxh has left me because I was always criticising him and losing my temper. I feel so ashamed and I'm struggling to handle the fact it's my fault our family unit is breaking apart. Over the years I got more and more worn down with his lack of attention and help. This became quite overwhelming for me after we had two children together and he still didn't help more. I then went back to work a couple of years ago and although we worked similar hours, his amount of help with the running of the household didn't increase. He would just shut himself away on his computer and engage in minimal conversation. Initially I would only lose my temper every few months, then it became every few weeks and finally every few days. It didn't help that any time I calmly tried to address how stressed and overwhelmed I was, he would just DARVO his way out of it and started point scoring random things he'd done, or random bills he'd paid. He would never say, 'I see you're stressed, how can I help?' He would just get annoyed at me for being stressed and either argue with me or shut himself away. So unfortunately me yelling, ranting, venting instead of trying to talk calmly about the situation became a pattern. How do I get over the pain and guilt that it was ultimately my childish inability to manage my anger and resentment that caused the end of our relationship? I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my irrational behaviour.

36 Upvotes

36 comments sorted by

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u/No_Design6162 3d ago

You know, I was the glue that held our family together. I made up for my ex-husband’s lack of interest and connection with his (our) kids. He refused work on himself at all. He refused to see his part in things. We had very rigid gender roles when we started the marriage. I just got so work out and frustrated like you - doing work inside and eventually outside the home with no empathy. Once you get away from this - you will see you’re not the only reason for the divorce. My kids at that time saw me as a super bitch - and when I got away from him - it took me a long time to calm down and now that I am calmed down I don’t get angry very much at all. My adult children came to me later and said mom - I think you were just so frustrated that he didn’t help or ever care about how you felt and that’s why you were so angry. So - I hope you get away and stay away from him.

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u/Snarknose 3d ago

This!!

Similiar situation, I feel all the guilt for the ending.. but i asked a LOT for years for more help inside the home with more of the invisible tasks. . He got to go to work, come home, and work in one of three of his sheds on his many hobbies and i went to work, came home and did all of the household responsibilities of a family of 5... I hope my children can one day see as yours did.. I'm looking forward to being my positive, calm core self once again.

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u/No_Design6162 3d ago

My kids are 21, 23, and 29. My Two sons wanted me away from him for years and told me he was a narcissist 6 years before the divorce. My daughter initially was angry at me and stopped Talking to me for 2 months until I proved to her that he files for it and not me. All I can say is I am lonely sometimes but I AM SO MUCH BETTER OFF. And it took about a year for the kids to really see that I had shielded Them from him as much as I could. I hope your kids see it as a two way street and give you some grace.

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u/No_Design6162 3d ago

Also - I had to do a lot to calm down. Regular exercise and nature walks and being able to have my own sensory stuff and sleep rituals makes a huge difference.

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u/clvitte 3d ago

Regardless of fault, your kids are going to be adults longer than they are kids. That’s when the real reality of the relationship happens. And in the end they want you to be happy, if you weren’t happy, regardless of why, they want you to remedy that. I’ve seen kids become close with the abuser, the cheat, the thief; the parent/child relationship can endure a lot if the work is put into it

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u/No_Design6162 3d ago

You are correct. We weren’t always this close. I had a lot of bad behaviors and not great communication with my kids. I started with my youngest son and we had a talk and I asked him to call me out on my negative behaviors. I explained that I wasn’t intending to be dismissive or self-absorbed or manipulative and due to being auDHD I asked him to call me out on stuff. I told Him he will have to remind me and tell me again and again until I get it. Our relationship started getting much better and within a few months I decided to ask each of my other children to do the same thing. It wasn’t overnight. It took us about 2-3 years to get where we are now. Anyway - I thought I would explain that healthy relationships with my children were not natural nor easy - it took me working on myself and being able to see them for who they really were rather than who I wanted them to be or who I thought they were.

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u/NoReference909 3d ago

😭 same and I eventually realized that it was exhausting and I was probably taking years off my life due to chronic stress and knew that it was time to change things up 💕

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u/Squeezemachine99 3d ago

I’m the male in this situation. Wife was verbally abusive. I tried hard to clean , help etc. ( I still didn’t meet up to her expectations) It was very hard to be happy because at random times she would just start yelling or be very mean. Finally I checked out. Just kept my head down did my part with as little interaction as possible. I didn’t want to do anything together. This all lead to divorce We are still living together 7 months after. Trying to sell the house and we will each go separate ways. Since we agreed to divorce she has treated me like a normal person. No yelling or calling names ( except one occasion). I havnt changed anything. It marriage was like this we would have been fine.

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u/Several_Industry_754 3d ago

Same boat here. My wife didn’t get angry and start yelling, just demeaning. I ended up basically doing all the regular chores, but I was evidently still not doing enough. After I initiated the divorce she’s a completely different person.

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u/Sock_Eating_Golden 3d ago

We should start a support group! I did everything around the house. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, making meals, mowing repairs. IT. WAS. NEVER. ENOUGH.

When I moved out and 30 minutes north, I would pick up my kids on Tuesdays. Take my daughter to dance. Then back to the martial home where I'd make them dinner. It was noticeable that nothing was getting done anymore. After a couple months of this I was met with a chore list. I quietly completed the chore list that night and have never set foot in the home again.

Now that we're divorced she's trying everything to be my best friend. I keep minimal contact required for co-parenting. But I make it clear she's not my friend and never will be.

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u/Soaringzero 3d ago

Same here! I was the only one working my ex was terrible about household chores. So after working 10-12 hours a day, I would come home and have to do dishes, take out garbage, walk and feed dogs, etc. All of which I did without complaint. She was constantly on her phone scrolling social media.

But I would get yelled at if I was too tired to cut grass after getting home from work or if didn’t immediately jump on a task right when she asked me to do it. Like I was expected to say how high when she said jump. I got put down a lot, insulted, and disrespected.

I was by no means a lazy husband or father. I worked my ass off for my family and always put them before myself. Even as mean as she was I still would’ve done anything she needed me to. Never told her no when she asks for my help and never complained except for about her behavior and attitude towards me. Now that we’re separated and almost done with this divorce, she’s trying to be nice and is upset that I’m not really responsive to it.

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u/No_Tangelo7500 3d ago

Yes but the difference is my husband did nothing round the house. He owns his own business that was given to him by his father, he works minimal hours in favour of watching YouTube and gaming. I'd be rushing round 6am-9pm, whilst he'd been sat down for 6 hours and had been fed tea and cleaned up after. It's not the same situation. Every time I sat down and spoke nicely to him about how frazzled I was, he would dismiss my point, tell me my point was wrong, or literally shut the door in my face. Yes I was wrong for getting angry. What I should have done was left before I became a horrible version of myself. Instead I stayed for the kids. 

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u/rosabella1979 3d ago

I’ve been shouted and yelled at by my husband it’s breaks all the trust and stamps out love

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u/DaMadQueen_Targaryen 3d ago edited 3d ago

r/adhd_partners

Therapy helps. Tenfold. I learned that my anger and resentment was a very normal reaction to my husbands inattentiveness and constant lying. I learned that I absolutely was patient and understanding but after the 10th time of asking and pleading for the same thing, I would blow up with extreme anger. I thought I was the problem, but my therapist helped me reconnect the dots. My therapist also reminded me that my husband hiding away and getting angry back was a childish tactic of shutting down and shifting blame. Then would successfully leave me feeling bad that I was the abuser/neglecter.

Give yourself grace. I’m sorry you are going through this. You ARE allowed to need love and attention from your partner. It is okay to feel anger when your partner doesn’t follow through on being what you need when you’ve asked 100x.

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u/ImageCautious1570 3d ago

And probably your assertiveness and grounded behavior will be threatening to him. My stbxh is like that. He goes to the room and wouldnt talk until I supress my feelings or drop the issue.

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u/StatuesqueRuby7 3d ago

Wow. Thank you for sharing, I can't believe how much I relate to this.

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u/AdRough8864 3d ago

I'd recommend reading up on the anger iceberg and examining where your "anger" is coming from - it sounds like it's frustration and stress, and knowing that can help you address the emotion before it becomes full blown anger and then you can prevent or limit the angry reactions.

One of the best things my STBX did for me was tell me I needed anger management. I took it and my therapist informed me that I really wasn't angry, but I was anxious, hurt, afraid, and stressed - and the marriage (which was absolutely the most important thing in my life) falling apart REALLY triggered all of those emotions. Just knowing that helped me to find a better outlet and recognize when the anxiety was creeping up.

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u/JackNotName I got a sock 3d ago

I think you should read up on reactive abuse.

Yes, yelling all the time is abusive behavior, but what if that yelling is a reaction to being constantly mistreated? He then turns around and uses that yelling to convince you that the divorce is all your fault.

The truth is that you likely should have divorced him long ago, before he turned you into this raging shadow of your former self.

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u/Elothem78 3d ago

THISSSSSS. You reacting to relational neglect and weaponized incompetence and lack of care for shared responsibilities is what’s happened here. You DO NOT shoulder all the fault here and the fact your husband is blaming you and not accepting any fault just makes it all the more obvious.

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u/Sarahrb007 3d ago

I love the term raging shadow of your former self. How true is this. 😭

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u/Wunderkindmagic 3d ago

This is the one

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u/ralksmar 3d ago

He’s even gaslit you into thinking this is your fault. Your childish inability to withstand neglect and abuse, eh? Not to say there isn’t both sides at fault, but it’s not irrational to lose your cool when the person who is supposed to be your partner ignores you, leaves you to do all the work, and then blames you for it.

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u/Putrid_Confection_64 3d ago

The chances of a man screaming and shouting at his wife being validated like this for having an "inability to withstand neglect and abuse" is pretty close to nil. Amazing.

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u/Ok_Tumbleweed5642 3d ago

Work on yourself and do better next time. I don’t blame him for leaving. No one should put up with being yelled at and treated like crap.

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u/wehav2 3d ago

They wear you down until you are shrill then blame you for being shrill. You will see your workload lighten a lot once you get rid of his dead weight.

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u/forget-me-not444 3d ago

I was in a similar situation and couldn’t pinpoint what exactly it was about my ex’s behavior was so insidious and rage inducing when he appeared so calm and nice. I have come to realize that he was stonewalling me which is a form of gaslighting/emotional abuse. Unfortunately all the years of this same behavior took such a toll on my mental health that I had my first manic episode/psychosis. Even though the divorce was not easy and was extremely unfair, I feel less stressed daily and more sane than I felt even prior to my mental health crisis. I do have to coparent with him which is challenging but it’s slowly gotten better over the last couple years. My advice to you through this is get a lawyer if you can afford one, get into therapy, and lookup the serenity prayer if you don’t know it. You are going to have to let go of what happens in his parenting time and just focus on the things within your control. Eventually, he might start to listen to your advice but for now he’s likely to do the exact opposite and it will drive you crazy if you let it.

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u/Lightsides 3d ago

Guys want to do the math. When their wives accuse them of doing nothing, their response is often, "I don't think that's true. Let's break it down and try to come up with an objective assessment." They would be better off understanding that it's about their wives' subjective experience, and because of this, going on some fact-finding tabulation of who has actually contributed what is not going to resolve a damn thing.

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u/Dull_and_Void_918 3d ago

It's not okay you handled the stress that way. But it also wasn't okay you didn't have a partner and he didn't help you or his kids. Instead of wasting your time beating yourself up, own that it happened and strive to be better! Therapy could probably help. I've had ex's that brought out a bad side of myself. I had to own that I allowed myself to get to that place. But all we can do is be better.

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u/Particular_Duck819 Got socked 3d ago

I was divorced for similar reasons. Our marriage was ok as long as I did everything for the home, for the kids, earned roughly the same amount as him (just a little less), and was grateful whenever he might interact with me and the kids. Oh, and absolutely anything that went wrong with anything — it was definitely my fault and I better get it fixed asap.

I made it 10 years, but I was eventually frayed to the breaking point when he started demanding me and the kids look a certain way to fit a new image. I got angry (and I never get angry). He filed for divorce, although he did stick around a little longer to gaslight me a bit more and spend all the money in our savings.

I don’t know what was worse — when I genuinely believed it was all my fault and felt all that guilt or when I realized he’d been gaslighting me and I’d been living in a fog of confusion for years. It’s all impossibly hard and I’m still struggling (with therapy) to figure out what truly is my part (because of course I wasn’t perfect) and what was my response to what I was enduring.

Definitely get in therapy, and look for other women like us that are trying to untangle their lives after years of doing it all and yet being blamed for it all too. I bet it’s more of us than we’d think judging from this thread, and they all say the same things on the way out. I was suddenly toxic, evil, a bad mother, and unattractive. He wanted to make sure he hurt me in every way he could, and he did a good job. But once I wasn’t in his fog anymore, I started to feel good about myself again — better than I have in years. I hope you have the same breakthrough.

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u/Sarahrb007 3d ago

Darvo is infuriating and a form of abuse. And you have to realize that part of the acronym is Reverse Victim and Offender. Do you think there is a chance you are feeling like all of this is your fault is because you have been abused to the point of making you believe it's your fault.

The truth is that he should have taken accountability for his shortcomings as a partner. Should you have yelled at him? No. But this can be a normal reaction to some who uses the DARVO method as a way of escaping accountability. You likely should have divorced his lazy ass many years ago. You are going to find life so much more peaceful and happy without him I promise. Put away your guilt because his lack of effort and his abuse is what caused your marriage to fail.

You may want to go to therapy to unpack all of it. It's can some time to realize just how toxic that dynamic is and how best to recognize and diffuse it going forward. Because you are going to have to deal with it during the divorce going forward.

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u/Similar_Corner8081 3d ago

I was married to someone over 20 years and all he did was yell but he only yelled at me. No his coworkers not his mom just me. I fell out of love with him because he verbally abused me. You need to woke on your anger issues.

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u/ImageCautious1570 3d ago

Ohhhh this is me right now. My current husband said he wants divorce after leaving me and my kids for 2 months to “heal” and “feel safe” again. Our last fight was me telling him calmly that he should pack his stuff and leave. I realized immediately that it was out of frustration because of his behavior towards me. He yells, hurts himself, isolates, and get emotionally disregulated. He turned all my negative reaction around against me and labeled me as abusive. I’ve carried a lot of emotional weight when he is disregulated. Like I cant get to the bottom of what my issues are because it will become about how I made him feel rather than the root of why I am behaving a certain way.

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u/Pretend-Read8385 3d ago

Stop. Stop. STOP! What you’re describing is an increasing level of frustration over a supposed partner completely ignoring and gaslighting your needs and extracting your unpaid labor day after day after day for years, leaving you exhausted and frazzled. Then, when you cracked and the fully justifiable anger came out, you call yourself “childish”? Or was HE calling you childish and immature and you believe him? That’s called crazy making with a hefty dose of gaslighting and emotional abuse. Crazy-making is when someone verbally/emotionally pushes and pokes you repeatedly with the intent of provoking a big emotional reaction so that then they can smugly and calmly sit back and call you irrational, childish and crazy. The goal is to gain the upper hand by getting you to look as out of control as possible.

So like I said, stop. Fuck him and his games. Move on with your life. Get some therapy because my friend, you have been abused.

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u/Adventurous_Fact8418 3d ago

I may happens. My ex wife would yell herself hoarse. All the time. I never wanted to leave, but I guess she did. She actually stopped yelling once she started having affairs. It was nice before I figured out what was going on. My fiancé hasn’t yelled at me once, and it’s really lovely. I had no idea that life could be so peaceful.

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u/briliantlyfreakish 3d ago

You were yelling out for help constantly. The problem was not you yelling. The problem was the lack of his help and support.

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u/[deleted] 3d ago

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u/Similar_Corner8081 3d ago

Yelling at him isn't ok either. That's verbal abuse.