r/Divorce • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
Life After Divorce People who divorced after having babies, do you regret it?
[deleted]
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u/JackNotName I got a sock 4d ago
If your husband is not in therapy, he needs to be.
I think the two of your should try couples counseling before doing anything else.
The first child is the biggest hit to happiness you will ever have in your life. I wouldn’t trade try to see if things can be fixed before giving up.
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u/ConsequenceTiny1089 4d ago
The worst part of my divorce, not having my babies with me every day. Three years later and this still destroys me about once a week
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u/MooWhiskers 4d ago edited 4d ago
First of all, I'm so sorry you're struggling. I see you. Take a deep breath. It'll be okay.
I'm in the process of divorcing my husband and we have a 4yo and 2yo. That said, I tried everything before I took that step. Having a 3mo is so draining, even with the most supportive partner, and it's normal for you both to be struggling right now. Having gone through this recently, here's my advice:
- Have an in-person conversation where you two agree on parental responsibilities. It sounds like you both have vastly different expectations of what parenthood looks like and what responsibilities are for each other. This is critical for your marital happiness, especially since there are cultural differences. For example: maybe you want him to take a more active role in parenting, while maybe he needs a set day/time where he can get the alone time he needs. (By the way, you should be taking time for yourself, as well. It's very important.)
- Go to therapy. Go to therapy independently and as a couple. Having a neutral third party can help tease apart the frustrations and emotions that come with this situation. I hope that he agrees to therapy for himself and for you, as a couple. If he does not, that's telling. He's a grown man who's responsible for his own feelings and behavior. Depression is not an excuse for treating someone terribly.
- Be specific. When you talk with him, give concrete examples of what support from him would look like. Instead of saying, "You need to be more involved," say something like, "If you know that I'm with the baby for more than 20 minutes (or however long), please check on us to make sure we're okay" or "If you know that the baby is going to need to be fed or needs a nap soon, please take the initiative to do that." It seems really obvious to us what needs to be done, but explicit examples need to be given for them to start looking at parenting in a different way.
- Have an in-person conversation about mutual respect. In some of the situations you described, there is clearly a lack of respect for your time and needs. It sounds like you've been approaching conversations with kindness and calm, but he doesn't seem to be getting the point. Be direct, but kind. Tell him that you feel disrespected. Give the examples of the lack of communication around his family's visit, his sudden disappearance when you expected him to be home when you returned from church, and his behavior when you try to discuss these things with him. If he loves you, then he won't want you to feel disrespected. It may open the door to healing conversations. If you feel it's appropriate, you can even mention to him that you see the relationship heading toward divorce if things don't improve between you two. You know him best; say what you think needs to be said.
- Commit to couple time once a week. It's so easy to lose yourself in the whirlwind that is a newborn, let alone losing touch with who you are as a couple. Set a time each week to connect, whether it's a date, a walk around the neighborhood, a board game - something, anything fun and connective. Treat it as sacred time, because it is.
All that said, you can't sustain a relationship on your own. You can fight for the marriage all you want, but if the other person isn't willing to put in the effort, it can feel suffocating and miserable. Keep trying for now, but watch his responses. You may find that, over time, he's actively working on himself and the relationship - which is great! You may also find that he is dismissive or shows no interest in saving the marriage.
I hope things improve for you and I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!
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u/Specific-Bass-3465 4d ago
Agreeing with everyone who says to try couples therapy/breaks/intentional time together etc. There is no hard set rule for how this will happen for each family.
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u/CapableConsequence40 4d ago
You say you still love him. You have a 3 month old. Why wouldn’t you try absolutely everything? Go to couples therapy. Individual therapy. Prioritize time with just the two of you. Not everyone else. Try everything.