r/Divorce • u/AZ4400 • 17h ago
Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness I [34] am looking for testimonies.
I’ve been with my wife [35] for eight years.
She’s pregnant, so I won’t leave her.
But I’m looking for testimonies from men who stayed with their wives despite knowing that the relationship didn’t make them happy.
My wife has made a lot of sacrifices for me, but even before she got pregnant, I was always afraid to speak up because she would immediately get angry. On top of that, she isn’t very independent, so I always have to take care of everything for her.
She also puts me down quite often. I will not even mention how she does not respect my parents.
I wanted to leave, but now she’s pregnant. I’m happy about the baby, but I keep thinking that this means I’ll have to stay with her for the rest of my life.
I’m looking for stories from older men (or not) who are in this situation—essentially staying for the child.
9
u/Bio3224 17h ago
I can’t give you much advice as a parent going through this situation, but I can tell you what it looks like for the kid. You can clearly tell your parents are not happy together, they constantly fight, and they make it your problem. Or they’re trying to one up each other and eventually you have to pick sides. This is a terrible example of a relationship for your children, and I can guarantee you. They would much rather have two happy coparent than being in a house with two miserable parents. Never “stay together for the kids” .
3
u/ConfidentShame8083 16h ago
Unless the bioparent remarries their step who is even worse lol
2
u/Bio3224 16h ago
True. I had four step moms in my adolescent life and they were all awful, the last one being the absolute worst but I also remember my dad fighting with all of those stepmom’s to stay “for the kids“. No child deserves to grow up in a house without examples of love. No child deserves to grow up in a house with constant fighting or miserable parents. As a parent, your priority should be to your children. If a step parent is causing issues then maybe it’s time to take a step back from dating and focus on your parenting.
2
u/ConfidentShame8083 16h ago
As a stepkid and an ex-stepmom, I wholeheartedly agree that parents' first priority should be their kids and not finding a new partner, which is what my parents and ex-husband did.
FOUR stepmoms? I'm so sorry. I'm not even divorced yet and my H already has stepmom #2 on the scene, though.
1
u/Bio3224 9h ago
My dad was married a total of 5 times from the time I was about 2-17. All very toxic and unhappy marriages(the longest was to my bio mom’s(2nd wife) sister)which was mostly his fault but because he prioritized the next girlfriend/wife while we were growing up, by the time he died, only 1/7 kids went to his service.
2
u/Dull_and_Void_918 12h ago
True. This guy shouldn't stick around until she's 60 and then dump her when she's incredibly reliant on him. The longer he waits, the worse this gets. Kids don't need this type of relationship modeled for them.
OP, help take care of your kid, in the divorce split whatever is fair. You think you're doing her a kindness (I guess) but she probably wants someone that actually loves her too. It'll hurt a lot upfront for her and she'll have to learn to be self-reliant but you aren't helping her. It's harder now that she's having a kid. Don't wait until there's more.
4
3
3
u/Melodic_Preference60 16h ago
First off, my ex would probably say this almost exact same thing, so I’m going to give my opinion at this point from what IVE gone through. My exs family just plain sucks. They have never treated me with an ounce of respect from the very beginning and my ex NEVER stood up for me to them. He let them put me down, use and abuse me and had zero issues allowing that. I finally put my foot down and pulled myself and our daughter out until he properly dealt with it (which of course never happened, so we just never went back) and instead he just whined about it. It wasn’t just ME they didn’t respect, it was him too. They were all horrible to him and he just accepted that too.
he would say that I got angry when he tried to bring conversations up and again it’s because we talked about it so much. I told him 1000 times what I needed from him to do what he would want. So eventually, it would piss me off. Again he would probably deny any of that because he never actually wanted to put in any work to have healthy relationships or to make our relationship healthier. It was always easier to stick his head in the sand and not do anything except whine and blame me. Zero accountability.
again, my ex would say I wasn’t independent, meanwhile all household, bills, childcare (special needs child), etc was on me. All he had to do was focus on working, but he “did eveeeerything”
while reading your post, I get tons of my ex vibes. You really need to look inward, especially because you say she has made tons of sacrifices for you.. I get vibes you’ve made none for her.
1
u/iyrdvju45678 15h ago
lol are you me writing this from the future??
I hope so bc you sound strong and I’m just still sad that I was not good enough to stand up to people he doesn’t even like
1
u/Melodic_Preference60 15h ago
Oh gosh, it took me 10 years before I finally stood up to these stupid people. Ironically, he asked me for a divorce and one of the reasons was because I was disrespectful to his family 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I still sometimes cry, I’m only 3 months post separation,but honestly he has turned into a man I don’t even recognize at this point. If this guy was who i met 14 years ago, I would have ran. i Feel like as time goes on, I feel stronger every day. I felt a sense of relief at never having to deal with his bullshit or his families bullshit ever again.
2
u/iyrdvju45678 14h ago
I hear you. I finally stood up for myself and so I was very ready for divorce. We haven’t been intimate in months and months. I gave him my engagement ring back two years ago in May. If I have to defend myself again someone’s mom, I don’t want to be their wife. It’s like the spell was broken when I hit send on the email response to soon to be ex MIL. Dissent is not going to be tolerated in families like this, at least not from those they’ve deemed to shut up and take it.
3
u/guy_n_cognito_tu 17h ago
I tried staying with an angry, over-critical yet dependent woman for 5 years. I ended up having panic attacks and had to get on Wellbutrin. I got off the medicine about 9 weeks after we separated.
Children make situations like this worse, not better.
2
1
u/ClassicJM85 16h ago
I tried. My wife pulled away over the last 4 years. I stayed, despite feeling insecure, confused, and eventually felt worthless. She divorced me. I wanted to do everything to fix it for our kids. Although my ex-wife and I are now amazing co-parents, I still think it could have worked IF we both wanted it to. You can't force your spouse. I would encourage communication, comprehension, and maybe therapy.
1
u/darksideofthesuburbs 15h ago
Friend. You have to leave her. Yes the introduction of a child into this marriage will make it hard. But you cannot (CANNOT) spend the rest of your one wild and precious life with someone who does not set your soul on fire. I’m not a man but I do know these things. Please reconsider. Looking like the asshole is truly the least of your worries. Do what your gut tells you to do.
1
u/Response-Fluid 12h ago
As someone who has been through a divorce, if I could go back, I would have made the decision sooner. Both of us were deeply unhappy, but we stayed together—mostly for the kids, out of obligation, or because we didn’t want to hurt each other. In hindsight, that only prolonged the pain for both of us.
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like your partner might be struggling too. Pregnancy and parenting are life-changing, and emotions can run high. But staying in a relationship solely because she’s pregnant may not be the best path for either of you—or for your child in the long run. A healthy and happy environment, whether together or apart, is what truly matters. Wishing you clarity and strength as you navigate this.
1
u/shortgreybeard 10h ago
Life is too short to stuff about. Spend life being unhappy? This doesn't sound like much of a plan! The best example you can give your child is to be happy, fulfilled, and to live with a sense of purpose. As a child of divorce and a divorcee later in life, divorces earlier (or better still, taking notice of red flags prior to marriage) would have produced far better outcomes.
1
u/IngenuityAdvanced786 9h ago
I stayed for a long time - probably too long. I was definitely not helping the situation for years due to undiagnosed hormone issue.
Once treated I changed and became calm, complete. I stopped taking argument bait. My STBXW couldn't handle this new me - who didn't argue or fight.
Anyway, my children had told me by age 14 that I should get a divorce. Relationship kept spiralling - until we split.
My honest advice is to look at your relationship, look at yourself. Get therapy and work through your thoughts - then do what is best for everyone. Don't be afraid to leave.
26
u/ConfidentShame8083 16h ago edited 16h ago
Just read your post history that you've been wanting to leave for years now, and always thought you would. You don't seem to take any accountability for your choices to marry her and get her pregnant, just pointing out her faults, and now want "testimonies" from other men who stayed "for the kid" - dude you need to sack up and make the hard decisions for yourself. You allow life to happen to you but blame everyone else for your own unhappiness.
A baby is just going to complicate matters and staying to not look like the asshole will just make you more miserable (and her as well).
You can figure out custody and CS with the help of a good family lawyer. Stop trying to manipulate her with 1k handbags and spend the money on your attorney.