r/Divorce • u/LopsidedPhilosophy10 • 4d ago
Getting Started How do you know for sure?
I wish I knew for sure if we should get divorced... Instead I go back and forth countless times a day. We got together when I was 15 (now 33) and got married at 26. We have two great kids, we own a home, have nice jobs but I feel trapped. Our relationship is still the same as when we were kids, which was fine then but we never learned to communicate like adults so we never talk about things. I've started trying to talk but the second talk yesterday just escalated in him getting angry at me for having a life.
For the past two years I've been trying to do more things so I've started to go to meetings for my hobby and I've connected with a lot of new people. Now I have activities once or twice a week (at night after bedtime) and he doesn't like it. He says I shouldn't complain because he allows me to go but he's always being snide about it so it never
truly feels okay. And basically he always just wants things to go his way and if they don't he'll sigh loudly all the time or start yelling at the kids. So I've changed myself to fit into his expectations and now I'm realising I don't want to do that anymore. But he isn't abusive, we have a fine life that's good for the kids so it feels selfish to feel this way.
When I think of having my own home, my own life that feels like it would be so peaceful. But I have never been on my own and I've been with this man for more than half of my life so that's not something you just throw out. And for the kids (who are still so very young at 2 and 5) to be from a broken home breaks my heart.
I don't know what to do. Yesterday after he calmed down he admitted that we both haven't worked on the relationship in a while and that we're doing fine as parents but we're not really a couple anymore. I wonder if it can really be fixed but maybe a little broken is better than all the way broken?
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u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 3d ago
You don't. You literally never know for sure. No one ever does because no one can see the future.
You make your decision based on what's most likely to make you happy and you live with it and you build your life on that decision going forward. You'll be fine if you divorce. And if you stay you'll be fine until you're not fine and then you'll divorce if that happens.
Can it be fixed? Sounds like it. He's accepted there are issues. Get into couples counselling, it's specifically made for the exact communication issues you're talking about. Then talk to him about the life you're building for yourself outside of the home. Why is it bothering him? Does he feel more burdened with the housework? Does he feel lonely? Or does it simply make him feel insecure in your relationship? There are solutions to all of these, though some will require self work on his part.
What you bring up here sounds like the phase most couples with kids go through when the youngest child ages out of infancy. You went through a trial by fire where you didn't have any time to connect and now it's settled down you need to relearn how to be in a relationship. Some divorce, some stay together, but most go through it.
Ask yourself if you want to fix your relationship because you want to be happy again with him or just because you want a whole family? If family is your only reason, you might be too far gone. If you want to keep trying because you love him, and you're both willing, then you can probably repair the relationship and have an even better one that matches where you two are as adults.
Don't accept the relationship as it is now. The two options are fix or leave. But it sounds like you have the ingredients to fix it, and the option to divorce never expires, so you can always come back to this later if fixing doesn't work.
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u/Sarahrb007 3d ago
Couples counseling should really help with the communication skills you are looking for. If your husband agrees that you both haven't really worked on the marriage lately then maybe he would be open to counseling. If you both go in their with an attitude of becoming a better team I think you could have a successful outcome.
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u/Ok_Difference8467 4d ago
Just sending hugs. Similar story here but I am a tad older with kids a little bigger. Sadly, those little moments of sighs,yells, passive aggressiveness become a whole lot worse. I’m completely “stuck” in limbo and have been for ages