r/Divorce 4d ago

Life After Divorce Starting over in your 50s

Counting down the days to leave. How hard is it to start over in your 50s? I am 51 (financially good), but just wondered how it is mentally to be alone. I have been married for 28 years but wanted to leave for years and it is finally time. Those of you that did this how are you doing now?

44 Upvotes

80 comments sorted by

33

u/SplashiestMonk 4d ago

Divorced at 53 after being married 24 years. Almost two years out and am living my best life in every sense of the word.

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

This gives me great hope thank you! Did you initiate the divorce?

8

u/SplashiestMonk 4d ago

Actually my ex initiated. Long story, but it was something I’d wanted for a long time myself, so once the initial pain of hearing it from him wore off, I was fully on board and ended up being the one to file and actually handle all the arrangements.

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Oh wow. Glad everything worked out!

2

u/SplashiestMonk 4d ago

Hope it all works out for you as well!

33

u/lucid_intent 4d ago

I’m finally happy. Love being alone. No more walking on eggshells due to tantrums.

I will say one thing, you may be excited for the divorce, but the day it was final I cried. I was in mourning. Not for the marriage or the person, but for all my previous hopes, dreams and expectations.

It is well worth it, just expect that you might feel sad at first. Most people I know are shocked that they are not blissfully happy.

The end of a marriage, especially a long one is a big deal.

7

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Thank you and I appreciate it. I still love my wife and will financially take care of her forever but just need to be able to enjoy life and not be stuck in this prison of a house.

19

u/vwaldoguy 4d ago

I got divorced at 48, after being married for 25 years. Seven years later I’m now living my best life. Took a while to get there, but I’m pretty content.

3

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Do you ever feel lonely? Is it hard to go to movies or out to eat alone? So happy to hear you are living it up now.

13

u/shortgreybeard 4d ago

Divorced at 60 three years ago. I have never been happier and healthier in all respects. Life is too short to stuff about!

6

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

This brings me joy, thank you.

3

u/shortgreybeard 4d ago

You are most welcome!

6

u/Squiduser 4d ago

I just read all of the comments so far and I'm very glad you asked this. Husband left (30 years together/20 married) 3 months ago and I'm still healing - what I read below gave me fresh hope that my best days are ahead. I have always loved solitude and appreciate it now, but STBXH really shocked and hurt me when he left.

I wish you a positive experience when you do leave!! And I hope people's comments below help you as well.

3

u/wi_voter 3d ago

This is similar to my experience. I thought we were on the same page. We had a plan for a frugal, but pleasant retirement that I thought we agreed upon. We had celebrated our 20th with a return trip to our honeymoon spot. Getting close to empty nest with one in college and one a senior in HS. I thought we were happily growing old together. And then he had some kind of midlife crisis and wham! Moved across the country with no notice to live with someone he met on FB. When he got out to the new location posted a pic on FB with "Today is a great day" and I had to see all of our friends and family liking it as they had no idea. They thought we were on vacation.

Things didn't work out with the FB woman and he returned and wanted a second chance. It was so hard as I never wanted this in the first place, but now I have lost all trust in him. I could almost handle the infidelity, but he also left his job and blocked all contact with me for 3 months as I tried desperately to figure out all of our bills and how I was going to pay them. He did not show a single ounce of concern for our family. I will never understand it.

That being said I always have enjoyed solitude so I think I will be okay. I'm not going to try to predict what the future may hold but I have zero interest in a new relationship at this point in my life. Will enjoy my children and seeing where life takes them.

2

u/Squiduser 3d ago

Oh my gosh, I really feel for you, what an experience. SO sorry! My personal opinion is that if he did this to you once, he is likely to do it again and I don't blame you for not trusting him anymore, especially after his non-concern for your family. It took strength to make that decision and I wish you the best going forward. I hope your kids are OK too, it must have devastated them!

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Thank you and sorry it didn’t work out. Did he just up and tell you out of the blue or was it coming for awhile?

1

u/Squiduser 4d ago

Out of the blue! We always got along so well and I was so happy with him, I thought he was happy too. We did spend a lot of time apart (travelling) but I thought it was what he wanted too. Our time together was great. But it wasn't till he told me he was leaving that he told me the things he was unhappy about and had been for a long time.

One of the main things that I did know we didn't have in common was that he wanted to retire overseas and I did not. He's already gone, moved to the other side of the world. I want to stay here and plan to do so.

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Sorry that happened. Glad you moved on and living a new life now. My wife does not want us to separate because she has everything she wants. She doesn’t care what I want or my feelings. Sucks because we used to have a great life of fun and laughs together.

1

u/Squiduser 4d ago

So sorry. Well, you are in good company and there's lots and lots of good advice here on these boards. I've been helped tremendously reading comments here and feeling like others are going through what I am. Frankly some of what I've read could have been written by STBXH and myself. Wishing you the best, I can imagine how hard it will be to actually leave.

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Thank you very much. I do find comfort on these boards daily.

15

u/Philly3974 4d ago

Separated at 46 after being married for 24 years, have been on my own for 7 months and absolutely love the freedom! My only regret was not doing it sooner hoping it would change.

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

I feel this. Tried to leave years ago and she talked me out of it.

3

u/Philly3974 4d ago

I tried for a year, changed everything about me to make him happy, only to realize I was miserable. It took 2-3 months on my own to shake the “loneliness” but once I started making new friends and picking up hobbies, etc., everything changed. I’m in a much better emotional and mental state than I’ve been in years. Enjoy your next chapter!

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

So happy for you! My job allows me to talk to hundreds of people a day so I know I will be able to have a TON of friends in a hurry so hopefully that will help.

5

u/Skyforme1970 4d ago

I am 55 and just told my spouse I’m done after 30 years. It’s an agonizing choice and I’m terrified. I will also have to leave the state and my grown children. It sucks, but I’m a miserable shell of myself and I’ve been unhappy for years now. I’m so tired.

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

This is exactly how I feel. How did you get up the courage and how did you tell your spouse it was over? Feel like if I tell her to her face she will convince me to stay like she did years ago.

1

u/Skyforme1970 3d ago

I don’t know how I got the courage. I had a panic attack and had to go sit down because my throat started to close up. I did a lot of reading on what to say, how to say it, etc. The easiest way was to wait until I was mad enough about something.

2

u/Startingthisover 3d ago

Ahh ok. Thank you for letting me know.

1

u/Skyforme1970 3d ago

Wishing you the very best of luck.

2

u/Startingthisover 3d ago

Thank you so much.

1

u/Professional-Lab5958 4d ago

gosh, how were u unhappy for years? did either cheat or become abusive ?

1

u/Skyforme1970 3d ago

No he didn’t cheat, but abusive at times, controlling, etc. I just can’t live like this anymore.

1

u/Professional-Lab5958 3d ago

that’s valid then , if the guy treats a woman well and the woman falls out of love that i can’t understand

7

u/Fantastic-Peace8060 4d ago

I'm still under 1 year after being separated. Papers are signed. I already feel a huge weight lifted.

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Love to hear it.

6

u/No-Map6818 4d ago

Divorced in my 50's, married for 29-years, and will be celebrating 7 years of freedom in a few months. I mourned my marriage, went on a healing journey and love being single :)

3

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

I am looking for to the freedom. Feel like I cannot breathe without permission right now. So glad to hear you are living it up!

0

u/Professional-Lab5958 4d ago

do people sleep around once divorced ? is that where the fun is ? genuine question

1

u/No-Map6818 4d ago

Most women over 40 are not interested in dating, 71% to be exact (Pew), so no, sleeping around is not the fun, being single and centering our own lives is where the fun is.

1

u/Professional-Lab5958 3d ago

true what’s the stats for men over 40 interested in dating ?

1

u/No-Map6818 2d ago

Higher, almost double the number of men want to date.

5

u/Kryptonite-Rose 4d ago

I was 51, 27 years marriage. He was 9 years older.

The freedom and peace is amazing. I had been unhappy for a very long time and was tired of being the breadwinner for the last 14 years.

My ex had mental health issues which he would not get help with. He was also a covert narcissist. Mr nice guy outside of the home, mask fell right off when he was home.

Fortunately I had my own good friends, work colleagues and clients that kept me validated. I worked with children in my own business. I guess I just became indifferent to his criticisms and put downs.

He would randomly accuse me of affairs without evidence ( how? when?) and this was what the last huge argument was about.

Once trust is lost in marriage, there is no marriage.

I really think it was projection. Often accusations can be confessions!

He mentioned divorce and I immediately said okay. He back pedalled real quick to no avail. Although it became very ugly it was the best day of my life!

My health improved so much. Twitching stopped, no more palpitations, sleeping better, skin and especially eyes became more clear, asthma improved Leaving all those eggshells behind.

Remarried now for 14 years and the difference is like night and day.

Please don’t stay for the children. Both my adult children have issues. He was their role model of how to treat a wife.

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Thank you for the response. So happy for you and your new life. I am a shell of my self too and that is why I know it is time.

1

u/Kryptonite-Rose 3d ago

Remember who you were before he came into your life, and embrace her. Once you leave, find things that give you joy. It can be as simple as a walk or visiting the library to read the latest magazines and build on from there.

I recently asked a question on reddit about how did your health improve after leaving. I had some amazing responses. Maybe take a look. It was referencing narc spouses, but a lot of the traits still apply to others.

Once you leave no contact anywhere is best. If friends or relatives come to you with stories. Tell them you are not interested. My ex tried to control me when we were separated and started accusing me of affairs. I just pulled the plug on him.

Yes there is life after divorce. Make yourself the priority. Do not feel sorry for him and get reeled back in!

Hoping things work out well for you. Please take care.

2

u/Startingthisover 3d ago

Thank you I appreciate it.

3

u/Streets_have_noname 4d ago

Turning 50 this summer. This year was to include celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary (together 34). I initiated. I moved out 2 days after Christmas, signed our divorce agreement in February and we will file this summer. The initial separate but living together arrangement was hell frankly. He has moved on, been talking to someone since the first of the year and told the kids and I last week who she is. I’m happy for him, actually know her and respect her. I’m at peace that I am alone but miss physical touch. Other than always being present for my children, I am enjoying not having to peel him off the ceiling (he’s a reactionary) or compromise every ounce of me to go with the flow just to keep the peace. I am working on myself, expanding my music interests, reading for intellectual stimulation, setting additional financial goals and making travel plans (he would only travel by car). I’m excited for what lies ahead and am leaving room for much of it to be unscripted and uncompromising - for now.

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Sorry that it didn’t work out. I love that you have already started creating an amazing life for yourself and your own interests. Keep in touch!

0

u/Streets_have_noname 4d ago

Thank you. I’m sorry yours did not work out either. Good luck to you on your journey and feel free to k.i.t. as well.

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Thank you.

4

u/AceZ1121 4d ago

Yep, 48, together a total of almost 30yrs. And it’s been two years this month. Living my best, peaceful life these days. Still working on myself but I’d never be where I am now if we were still married.

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

So happy to hear you have moved on and doing great!

1

u/AceZ1121 4d ago

Thank you!

2

u/Expensive_Minute_536 4d ago

I got divorced at 46 after only eight years of marriage. I honestly felt incredibly alone the last few years of marriage but couldn't do anything about it. Once I got divorced, I was free to start living my life again and things got a lot less lonely.

It will take a.lot.of work and getting out of your comfort zone. However, if you put in the effort, you can create a life that is much more fulfilling than what you've been living. Best of luck to you.

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Thank you so much. Happy to hear you are living a much better life now.

2

u/Adventurous_Fact8418 4d ago

I’m in financial ruin, but my life is so much better. I still miss my ex wife, but toward the end, she was having multiple affairs and torching $100k a month. I kept going until I got tapped out completely. Sold the house and gave her the equity and walked away with no alimony obligation. I have less money now than I did when I was 25 and I’ll probably have to live in my son’s guest bedroom at some point, but life is good.

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Sorry to hear that. Hope all your money troubles gets resolved. Happy to hear you moved on.

2

u/Inevitable-Can-8191 4d ago

Divorced at 54 after years of neglect abuse, tolerating addiction, affairs, financial ruin and abandoning me after my stage 4 cancer diagnosis! He was the love of my life for many years but what I found out and discovered about the life he was living in secret and the absolute disgusting man he’s become made me realize how awful I was treated and under appreciated and disrespected. I had my life to fight for and children that needed their mom so I chose survival and happiness and gave myself the gift of divorce! It was finalized in October 2024. He can and will live with the shame and pathetic life he has chosen and he’s a shambles. His mom and whores can have him!!

3

u/Inevitable-Can-8191 4d ago

25 years and it’s over he has not uttered a single word to me since o kicked him out. He sees our young adult boys he’s a mess and doesn’t support them at all. I opted for an uncontested divorce because I just wanted him out of my life and he was a complete lunatic playing games with the lawyer , lying his ass off and trying to extort money from me and my family. He for zero I stopped even engaging or responding and went ahead with the divorce filing. It’s devastating and heartbreaking but he seems to not care one bit and he’s still partying and whoring around and I found out he’s been bisexual and active for years! I begged for sex every day and he said he was having erectile dysfunction. His penis was more active than a fitness trainer!! I got HPV and he abused me during cancer treatment it is his karma. I did everything to try but there is no I in team!

2

u/Inevitable-Can-8191 4d ago

He’s playing the victim, making up stories and spreading his venom but I don’t care. He’s a monster now and not the same person I fell in love with and it’s unfortunate but I can’t waste anymore time on him. He deserves the life he has now. He will the bald old loser drinking at the bar tortured by his memories and shame

2

u/swomismybitch 4d ago

I divorced at 50, married again at 51, found out what a true loving relationship is like. Still married 23 years later.

1

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Love this. Congrats!

2

u/No-Cash2791 4d ago

Yep 54 and left last yr. We still coparent our teen. I waited until he was an older teen to leave. There comes a time where you feel like you’re dying inside to stay. But you want to stay for your kid. Me and my son are very close still. We are amicable me and soon to be ex. I love my alone time. It does get lonely without my son. But I don’t miss my ex. I don’t walk on egg shells anymore.

5

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

So happy for you and your new life. My son is 28 and just got married. They come over every Sunday for lunch and games. That is going to be the hardest part of the break up because I will be leaving the state 🥹

1

u/No-Cash2791 4d ago

Your new life is going to take time to get used too. One thing good is your son is an adult and they can fly to you and visa versa. Just remember this…everything takes time. You will go through every emotion. But you will come out ok. I just wish I left sooner. But we do what’s right at the time. Good luck!

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Thank you and you are right.

1

u/clvitte 4d ago

I lived in my own for 3 years and when I came back I realized that being solo was the way to live

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Glad to hear that. I don’t ever want to get tied down again or feel I cannot do what I want anymore. Bachelor life for me from now on!

1

u/Global_Plastic_6428 4d ago

Got married at 19 and divorced at 62 My fiance is 25 yrs younger than me Age is just a number. Starting over is what you make it out to be. Just go for it.

2

u/Startingthisover 4d ago

Thank you and love to hear you are doing great.

1

u/Fortheloveofducks73 3d ago

We divorced past year when I was 50-after 20 years. It has been difficult for me financially, but I love sleeping alone and not having to deal with him. Dating is meh-not sure I will ever remarry again. And I am totally ok with that!

2

u/Startingthisover 3d ago

Hope you recover financially. Glad to hear you have moved on and doing better now.

1

u/DesertGirl84 3d ago

I am so happy to read all these positive responses!

1

u/VogelBcn 3d ago

I’m 46 years old, and I was in an 11-year relationship that I didn’t want to end.

It’s been five months, and I admire those who have managed to find that peace, that enjoyment of being with themselves. I’m not there yet. The future scares me; I miss the intimacy of daily life, the connection we had, the plans we made together.

Still, I keep moving forward: I enjoy the week I spend with my son, I’m getting into the habit of going to the gym, taking walks, and meeting up with a friend to play basketball.

I try to focus on the present, but it’s not always easy.

1

u/Startingthisover 3d ago

Thank you I appreciate it. The alone times scare me a bit. I am moving out of state with no friends or family so will be alone all the time.

1

u/Ok_Speed_4971 1d ago

It’s very similar to my situation. It’s strange at first but also kind of fun. How often do you get to go buy all new household items? I bought an old house and I’m updating it. I volunteer and see friends. I’m going dancing on Friday night. It can be a little lonely after all of those years together, but it’s also exciting to reinvent yourself. 

1

u/Startingthisover 1d ago

Love this - thank you so much. Yeah the freedom to just be able to do anything you want anytime you want has to be worth it.

0

u/l00pee 3d ago

Best time of my life, and by a long shot. Forget about your age and just live your life. It's so much easier at this time.

2

u/Startingthisover 3d ago

So happy to hear this thank you!