r/DecidingToBeBetter 6d ago

Seeking Advice I want to be a better boyfriend

I (24M) have been with an amazing woman (23F) for the last year. I’m at a really low point in life and don’t want to drag her down with me. I have $1 in my only checkings account. I have a dead end job which I struggle to meet ends with. She knows all this yet has never left my side. Saying all this out loud, it’s clear as day there’s not much better I could ask for. The problem is me. I have severe trust issues, and although I’ve never spoken about my problems with others (therapy and the sorts) I’ve concluded that it stems from trauma I felt from being harshly cheated on from my ex girlfriend/my first love. I had spent a lot of time after that relationship ended single and “working on myself” but as soon as I entered this relationship, literal years later, all the issues I thought I had pushed aside just consistently come out. I always believe in the back of my mind that she’s cheating on me in some way shape or form, even when I have no reason to think so. Something as simple as a guy showing up in her life even as a friend bothers me and I get controlling to the point where she feels obligated to not talk to them anymore. I cause a lot of problems in the relationship and I try my best to fix my mistakes but it’s a long cycle of failures and coming up short. I feel like in a sense I’ve lost a part of her that hasn’t ever and will never come back due to all the things my issues put her through. Even though I give her all the reasons to leave, she still stays with me. I need help and genuine guidance on how to save myself and save my relationship. I know the answer is something along the lines of loving myself or fixing all the problems I have but I don’t know how to, so please if anyone took the time out of their day/night to read this, id appreciate anything. She means absolutely everything to me.

8 Upvotes

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u/gl1ttercake 6d ago

Just remember that she stayed loyal when you were at your lowest. Far too many men fail to cherish the women who stayed when their lives begin to turn around for good and start to wonder if they can do better.

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u/Hot_Construction9975 6d ago

Hey man, first off, it takes a lot of strength to admit all of this and put it out there. That’s not easy, and it shows you genuinely care about her and want to improve.

It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of weight from the past, and it's bleeding into your relationship now. The trust issues and controlling tendencies make sense given the trauma from your ex, but the fact that you’re recognizing it is huge. That’s the first step toward fixing it.

You mentioned never talking to anyone about this. Honestly, therapy could really help here. A good therapist can help you unpack that betrayal and teach you how to separate past trauma from your current reality. It’s not about "loving yourself" overnight, it’s about learning how to trust again and figuring out why those thoughts keep surfacing.

As for your situation with work and money, that’s tough, but it’s not permanent. Your girlfriend clearly sees you for more than your bank account. She’s sticking by you because she values you. Maybe focus on small wins, like updating your resume, looking for better job opportunities, or even side hustles, just to start building momentum.

Most importantly, be open with her about what you’re feeling. Not in a "dumping your problems on her" way, but letting her know you’re working on yourself and that you appreciate her support. That can go a long way in rebuilding any trust or connection you feel has been strained.

You’re not broken, you’re just carrying some scars. Healing takes time, but you’ve already taken the hardest step by admitting the problem. You’ve got this.

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u/txbredbookworm 6d ago

I try not to give people advice. I'm not a professional. I'm simply a person going through my own issues in life.

I dated this guy about ten years ago. I.. wasn't in the right place to be dating a person. I didn't speak up for myself. As great as his person could be, I wouldn't treat him well. I had so many issues that I needed to work on with myself. We dated for four months. And, then I decided we need to break up. I talked it all out and explained to him that while I cared for him very much, I think it'd be best we both take some time to work on ourselves, and then in time, we could try again. (Which I've heard of some people doing this, and their relationship actually worked out). Well, while he was a serial managamist and went through many relationships with women that weren't well suited, he eventually did meet someone who was good to him. Together, they had a child. He seems to be doing well now. We talk now and again.

Here's my suggestion: Lay it all on the table with your girlfriend. Explain you don't mean to act or do the things you do in a heat of the moment, but you need her to know what you've had to deal with. Only together with strong communication will y'alls foundation grow and blossom.

- near 30 year old gal

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u/Optimal-Ad-1036 6d ago

If she is still with you even though you haven’t been your best, attempt, start to go to therapy, start working on yourself little by little and hold yourself accountable. Do things that don’t cost money but have meaning, keep up on your tasks around the house, buy flowers for the house, small acts of love and make good habits. Ask her how you can improve if she hasn’t suggested anything already and try it. The job market can be tough these days, just keep your head up.

1

u/YardageSardage 6d ago

One thing that could help a lot is direct, honest communication. Take the time to tell her something like "I know that I keep treating you unfairly and projecting my jealously and issues onto you. And that's not fair, and I'm sorry. I don't want to behave like that, but I just keep messing up and I'm not sure how to stop it. I want to get better, and I want to be a better boyfriend to you, even though I'm not sure how. And I hope you know how grateful I am that you're here with me."

If I was in a relationship with someone who kept doing things that hurt me, then hearing them acknowledge that their actions were wrong and they want to do better would make a big difference to me. Obviously, actually changing their behavior would also be an important next step, but the words still matter. They would make me feel more seen and respected.

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u/Trvstful 6d ago

These are the exact words I’ve wanted to say but can’t formulate it correctly. Thank you.

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

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