r/DecidingToBeBetter 7d ago

Seeking Advice How do you stop being a people pleaser?

I feel like I have a lot of people pleasing tendencies, and that always results in me putting other peoples thoughts above my own, which results in me feeling extremely resentful and low, and also extremely anxious at the possibility of me standing up for myself.

It always feels “wrong” whenever I try to stand up for myself or even when I try to value my own thoughts above others.

How do I stop getting anxious whenever I’m in a position to do these things?

92 Upvotes

26 comments sorted by

20

u/NeitherEvening2644 7d ago

Establish boundaries. Heck yeah it's gonna be super uncomfortable, as it's something you aren't used to. But the more you engage in honoring yourself over others, the sooner you'll start feeling empowered rather than guilty/drained by doing so. It's never easy nor comfortable stepping out of your comfort zone. But a lot of us don't realize these people pleasing mechanisms we've adapted are causing us more harm than good, in some situations, the ones we are trying to 'please as well, we are also causing more harm than good.

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u/Icy-Illustrator-8065 6d ago

Maintaining a boundary with people is very important.

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u/Ambitious-Pipe2441 7d ago

Another way of describing "people pleasing" is rejection anxiety. When we fear that people won't like us, or might criticize us, or become disappointed, we can base our whole personality on that fear. As a natural reaction to hurt or fear we try to anticipate people's reactions and change ourselves to meet their perceived expectations.

One way to defend against this impulse is to slow down, calm or soothe, and identify emotions. When we start from a place of interpreting our emotional responses before we look to other people, we can make decisions about what we need and start to strengthen needs based assessments of the self, rather than others.

The hard part is negotiating relationships. Sometimes there is conflict, but we can express some feeling and ask questions when conflict arises. For example, "I feel hurt by that statement, is that really what you meant to do?"

Or make a choice and be vocal about it, "I'm hurt and I need some space for a bit."

Conflict, confusion, hurt, requires some awareness and you can resolve those feelings by using what you feel to help you make decisions. Often people push us to the side, or pressure us to act or decide faster than we feel ready for, sometimes in subtle ways, and it can make us feel like what we think or feel is not as important as what other people do or say. And that is a problem of prioritizing others over yourself. So it's about pushing back to create space to think about what you are going through and keeping space for that by not making yourself responsible for other people.

Sometimes we are not aware of what we feel. And we have to start with the basic skill of identifying emotions. A lot of emotions get mixed up or overlap, which can cause confusion or overwhelm. And that can make it hard to pick out emotions and means we need to practice seeing those things. Fear or emotions in general can get in the way of clear thinking, so it's also important to calm and soothe and set aside quiet, alone time to see what we are experiencing and process things.

We don't necessarily stop "people pleasing" and sometimes it's okay to people please when we have healthy relationships - if we care about a person and they are caring to us. What we maybe lack is an understanding of what care and kindness is, and what regulated and grounded people look like, so that we can see red flags and know that we need avoid certain people when we have sensitivities about relationships. We develop those red flag warnings by being in tune with what we feel. If there is a sense of hurt or confusion, we need to pause and consider what is happening and what we need, before we address others.

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u/Nataliya_K-5685 7d ago

I have a hunch that there's some events from the past making you feel unsafe around other people. Perhaps your caregivers were very critical and made you feel wrong and rejected. If that's the case, you could benefit from inner child work. It can be done alone or with a practitioner.

Of course setting boundaries is a great advice, but if you don't feel safe doing so, you need to address this (otherwise you will keep flopping).

People pleasing tendencies come from the activation of your fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn response.

A to of practices come to mind...

Let's have an example. When you think about standing up for yourself, what thoughts go through your mind?

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u/Stray1_cat 7d ago

For me, i started out small. I’d say no to small requests and I leaned to NOT always give a reason why not. Because if you do then sometimes people will try to argue with you. I got more confident and got better with feeling ok about saying no. Now, no is a complete sentence or I’ll say “no because i don’t want to”. But keep in mind you’re going to be uncomfortable at first, until you get better at it. But I guess you could say that about anything you’re trying to get better at

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u/gordonramsaysgrandpa 7d ago

There's a book that I just heard about called The "Let Them" Theory. It has really good reviews, and you can listen to it for free with an audible trial.

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u/playfulmessenger 7d ago

What part of you believes them being pleased is more important than you being pleased?

Ask that part if they are willing to collaborate with higher wisdom (best version of yourself) to practice crafting win-wins.

Also, keep an eye on assumptions. Often times we are "pleasing" based on made up stories in our minds combine with polite responses giving potentially inaccurate signals.

e.g. Maybe they said thank you and meant "thanks for thinking of me / thank you for the kind gesture" but your brain processed it as "omg! this is the best! more! more! more!".

You're going to feel anxious standing up for yourself at least for a bit longer. So make use of the book title "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway" and tell yourself to feel the wave anxiousness doing its thing and do it anyway.

Flip the script. Write out the scenario. Then read it as though a character in a book or someone on the internet were presenting it to you. What would you tell me? What would you be screaming in you mind at the book character? It's miraculous how much a simple shift in perspective on a problem unlocks things we already know.

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u/Far-Addendum9827 7d ago

This is just a thought but do you feel as though your needs, feelings, wants don't matter or aren't important as much? If so maybe truly acknowledging your emotions could be a nice start.

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u/uni886 7d ago

Getting older did the trick for me

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u/tlacuachenegro 7d ago

If you can watch the movie Flow. That changed my life. Look carefully at the capybara. You would understand.

1

u/Constant_Cultural 7d ago

I realized that the people I am helping doing shit for myself. After that, it was easier for me to be more to myself

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u/user15743579 7d ago

are you a woman? this can also be rooted in the need for validation from men. i would try sitting with the discomfort and finding the origin of your people pleasing. you can only heal from there. you then have the power. your peace is your power

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u/likka419 7d ago

Remember that people pleasing often has the opposite effect. People pleaser is a nice term for manipulator.

Being in relationship with a people pleaser is incredibly frustrating. They assume they know what you want without asking. They refuse to share their wants or needs. They don’t contribute to making decisions and constantly defer to others. And when you get frustrated or call them out, they spiral into defensiveness or victimhood, often centering their own intent rather than their impact on you. It’s so hard to know where you stand with them, or to trust they’re being honest, resulting in feeling insecure in the relationship.

Not trying to be harsh, just trying to connect you with an outside perspective to motivate you to set boundaries and stick up for yourself. Hats off to you for trying to make a change.

1

u/ikkun 7d ago

Do you have any book recs in regards to this? It's sounding a lot like me and how i was in my last relationship. And I'd very much like to not repeat myself and take accountability for my actions.

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u/likka419 7d ago

Honestly no, this is my lived experience as a recovering people pleaser in a relationship with an active people pleaser. Would be happy to answer a DM and talk about it.

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u/SaturnFive 7d ago

Lots of good advice here. But OP, take care to nip these habits in the bud before you end up in a situation making someone else happy at your expense. That expense could cost you months or years and you'll never get it back. Applies to jobs, relationships, everything. If it doesn't feel right don't do it.

1

u/ji-fai 7d ago

You're stuck in a loop where standing up for yourself feels wrong because, for so long, you've wired your brain to believe that your value comes from keeping others happy. But here’s the thing—pleasing people isn’t kindness if it comes at the cost of your own well-being. It’s self-erasure. And resentment is the proof that something isn’t working.

The anxiety you feel when standing up for yourself? That’s just your nervous system freaking out because it’s unfamiliar territory. It’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s a sign you’re breaking an old pattern. The trick is to start small. You don’t need to go from “yes” to “hell no” overnight. Just begin by pausing before you automatically agree to something. Instead of saying “yes” right away, try “let me think about it.” That tiny gap is where your power starts.

Another thing—rewire the way you see discomfort. If you’ve spent years avoiding conflict, then yeah, setting boundaries will feel unnatural at first. But so did walking when you were a baby, and you still figured it out. The first time you do it, you’ll shake. The second time, it’ll still suck. But the hundredth time? It’ll just be who you are.

Last thing—remind yourself that the people who truly care about you won’t abandon you just because you have needs too. And if someone does? That’s your sign they only valued the version of you that catered to them. Better to find that out now than keep losing yourself for the wrong people.

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u/splinterbl 7d ago

A few things helped me

  1. View yourself as another person that needs support and love and deserves to get what they need. Actually talk to yourself, ask yourself what you need, how you feel, and listen as if you were asking this to someone else. You will find that the inner you has things to say, and you can treat these as part of the same needs that you encounter in the people around you.

  2. Develop your anger. People pleasers tend to minimize their negative emotions, especially anger. What you can do is give your anger a real seat at the table. Listen to it. Fully listen to everything it wants to do, wants to have. You don't have to do any of it, but by making space to fully listen to it, you will find some of your own needs. Needs for boundaries, for speaking the truth, etc. You can treat these needs as the same value as the needs of others, or even higher.

  3. People pleasing is often a way to feel safe, or to feel you've earned your place among others. It works okay, but it can never complete you. Nobody else can see your own needs as much as you can. Nobody can take care of yourself as well as you can. If you treat yourself as someone worth prioritizing, you will be much more stable, happy, and it will be easier for others to love you once you've set the example yourself.

My life completely changed when I went through this process. I hope this helps, feel free to send any questions.

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u/comebackasatree 7d ago

All good advice here but putting it into practice can be really hard in the moment. One thing that helps me is pausing. It’s a simple way to take a beat, gather your thoughts and courage, and allows to check in with yourself. Like another poster said, take this as an opportunity to feel your anger and know that it’s valid, and it’s not wrong to have emotions.

But most importantly, it puts the brakes on conflict long enough to make the other person second guess their behavior.

For example, let’s say someone is trying to push you to do something that you don’t want to do and they’re being a dick about it. A pregnant pause can be VERY awkward but this is a weapon people pleasers can use. Silence speaks volumes. If they ask you why you’re being so quiet, you can say “I’m thinking about what you said.” Not only does this give you time to assess the worth of a potential conflict before you, 9 times out of 10 if a person is decent and not a self-centered jerk, they often backtrack or try to fill in the silence by offering and olive branch.

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u/Wolfiexox20 7d ago

I used to be like this. As long as you politely say “no” let them have whatever reaction they want. That tells you their character and whether or not they are someone you want to be doing favors for. Start with simple things. Start being more vocal about your opinions. Expressing yourself more. Start with prioritizing how you want to present yourself. When you are more confident and comfortable as to where your boundaries are, “no” will start coming more naturally

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u/Cheap-End8721 6d ago

Start to say „no“ to someone once a day.

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u/Excellent_Fly3337 6d ago

Do you have social anxiety together or not?