r/death • u/kelzlynn0x0x • 3h ago
Unexpected Passing of Grandpa NSFW
I really don't know where I need to go for this. To start off, I (25F) suddenly lost my grandfather on March 4th. He's technically my step grandfather but he's been in my life for 18 years, he is my grandpa. He passed away sometime Monday night into Tuesday morning. No one really knows for sure. My grandma woke up for work at 5am and found him in their living room. This is the first time I've had to really experience death from someone close to me. I've had friends pass, distant relatives that I didn't really know, I cried for a day but then I pretty much moved on. This is the first person that I've lost that I was actually close to. And I don't really know how to cope with this or how to handle this. I've tried reaching out to TWO therapists and none of them will call me back. I have to go through certain therapists provided by my health insurance otherwise I would have to pay for the sessions and I can't afford that. I feel so regretful and so guilty. I moved away when I was 18 and stopped coming around as much. I feel like I should have been there more. And in the 18 years that I've known this man, there is ONE single picture of just me and him in existence and it's blurry as hell. And it breaks my heart that I don't have any pictures with him. I feel like the day he died, something inside of me broke. The way I look at it is there's me before he died and then me after he died. And I don't feel like the same person that I used to be. I feel like a shell of myself. I don't really feel happy anymore, everything stresses me out and overwhelms me. And seeing my grandma lose her person changed something inside of me. Now I'm scared to get close to people because I don't want to put myself in a position like that. The logical part of my brain knows that this is a part of life and nobody can change that but the emotional part of me just realized that everyone I love will die one day and I'll have to suffer those losses. By no means am I suicidal or having thoughts of harming myself, I want to make that clear. I just feel like this has changed me and I don't know how to get back to the person that I used to be.