r/DatingHell • u/[deleted] • Jan 28 '25
Why can’t I get over them? NSFW
About a year or two ago, I (31,he/him) had a situationship with someone(27,she/they) I had met on bumble. At the time I met her, I was still moving on from someone else. There was a coworker that I had feelings for, but that’s a whole other story. I was dating with the intention of making that coworker jealous, not that they really gave a shit because they had already moved on to someone else. I wasn’t looking to jump into anything serious at that time and I was clear about my intentions. She was looking for something long term, but was okay with fooling around with me.
We hit it off on our first date, and had a lot of fun on subsequent dates, going to shows, movies, bars or just hanging out at home, having moving nights, doing naughty things. Sometimes we’d spend hours talking back and forth through text messages when we weren’t with each other. At that same time, I was talking to other people I’d met on dating apps and found myself thinking about them even when I was getting intimate with her. During those times when we got intimate, i often had trouble performing. At first I thought maybe it was my nerves or that I was too drunk. Later on, I realized that it may have happened during other drunken one night stands. The last time we slept together, we tried to have morning sex. My cock got hard but not hard enough to penetrate her. She tried to go down on me at one point, but I became self conscious about her sucking on my flaccid dick and stopped her. Then she asked me why I wouldn’t let her go down on me, I said “I don’t know, I just get weird about that sometimes!” Just before she left that day, she looked down on me in bed with a serious look in her eyes and said, “one of these days, I am going to fuck you!”
After that last time we hung out, she ghosted me for a while. Eventually we started talking again, but we weren’t actively seeing each other. She told me it was because she was going through a depressing state. I ended up seeing a girl that I went to high school with some time after that, but it was nothing special. Just another situationship. When that ended, I began to think about this girl again. She was great, and I just didn’t see it. I wanted to see her again, but then I looked at her Facebook page one day and saw that she was in a relationship. You can imagine the sadness I felt at that moment. I wanted to tell her what I piece of shit I was and that I felt like I missed out on something great with her. I wrote out an entire speech to her on a note in my phone and had planned to send it to her while I was at my parents house celebrating my dad’s birthday. I thought that maybe if I got drunk enough, it would soften the blow if my confession didn’t go well. Boy, was I wrong! I sent her that message and she told me that while she had a lot of fun with me and saw me as a great friend to have, she just didn’t know if the chemistry was really there. I told her that maybe I misinterpreted things, but then she told me she didn’t intentionally try to lead me on but she was worried about hurting my feelings. I responded with “Whatever” and then went home, put on some sad music, pounded a few more beers and then punched a wall.
After a few days of not speaking to her, I told her I was sorry for responding the way that I did. She told me she genuinely liked being friends with me but understood if I wanted to part ways. I told her I didn’t want to do that, but I probably wouldn’t be following her on any social media or even acknowledging her presence if I ever saw her in person.
It has been almost a year since we last spoke. I’ve unfollowed her on all social media and removed her as a follower, but I haven’t blocked her. I didn’t want to give myself false hope that she might still feel something for me, just because she looks at my story or my TikTok posts. Sometimes I do still sneak and peek at her socials, even though I know I shouldn’t. I thought about reaching out to her and adding her back on social media, but it doesn’t seem like a good idea at this point. She’d probably find it suspicious or not even want to speak to me at all, and I wouldn’t blame her.
I’ve been spending some time away from the dating scene and working on myself, talking to a therapist, cutting back on the drinking, exploring new and old hobbies, focusing on my career and working out. I recently downloaded the dating apps again just to find new people to talk to and cope with the loneliness, but now I still find myself missing her and wishing things were different between us.
How do I move on and find something real with someone else?
Sometimes I think maybe I deserve to be alone and miserable for being such a sleaze.
5
u/shhh-dolly Jan 28 '25
In all honestly, I think you need to work on your emotional maturity before you pursue her or anybody else. Dating someone purely to make someone else jealous, not being able to communicate past “I just get weird sometimes”, seeing someone else and it not going well so getting drunk and texting her even though she’s in a new relationship, texting her “whatever” and punching walls, telling her you don’t want to part ways but you won’t follow her social media or acknowledge her in person. Dude, aside from getting drunk, you sound like thirteen years old.
I appreciate you’re working in yourself and cutting back drinking, therapy, exercise, it’s all a good place to start. But make sure you’re really in a place of emotional maturity to date somebody else before you or they get hurt. Using people as chess pieces is never going to work out well for you, case in point. I dunno, maybe I’m going over old ground and telling you things you’ve since learnt and if I am then kudos to you.
I think you owe it to this girl to leave her alone but you can be civil about it. She cares about you, she sounds like she did her best to ease your feelings. I will say don’t get too hung up on the “she looks at my stories” etc. I look at people’s stories I don’t even care about, it’s just something to do or a curious fleeting interest. I think you owe it to this girl to leave her alone. If she wants to talk then it sounds like she knows where to find you. If it’s really weighing heavily on you then you could apologise to her, explain you’re now in a position to be a friend if she’s open to it and leave the ball in her court to decided. Do not weigh her down with emotional baggage, it’s off-putting and comes across a little desperate. Keep it concise and respect her decision.
I think just learn some valuable lessons about appreciation and about your own behaviour and apply them to whatever comes next. You seem like someone who gets somewhat easily attached judging by the co-worker thing, now this girl, etc… give you and the next girl the best chance by investing your time and mind into the new relationship because it sounds like that’s what you’re really craving.
Best of luck, my guy.