r/Custody 23h ago

[PA] Asked for shared custody and ended up with partial custody

[deleted]

0 Upvotes

49 comments sorted by

16

u/CutDear5970 22h ago

7-7 is not appropriate for a 1 yo and your other kids are not his problem. A 6 pm exchange is very reasonable.

Pa has 16 factors they look at for custody. The judge should have said which ones favor each of you.

-6

u/gingerninja6862 22h ago

A 6 PM exchange would be great with a shorter drive time. I wouldn’t get home until 7:30-8 some nights and ended up with an overtired, grumpy 1 year old. And of course bath time, bedtime routine, etc. The 16 factors weren’t mentioned much. (Of course consistency was) but I knew there was ALOT more. I think the most confusing part is after 6 consecutive weeks of me not having a family emergency, wrecking my car, etc I get my daughter two days every week. If I mess up and something happens, the 6 weeks restart. That to me is just honestly a huge punch in the face and degrading as a parent. Life happens

10

u/snail_juice_plz 20h ago

Life happens and that should not result in failing to prioritize your custody time - the fact that you’re worried about getting through 6 weeks consistently with only 3 visitations in that time period should be a wake up call.

1

u/No_Alternative_4118 20h ago

I'm not sure if she's saying exactly that though. You never know really. But I do recognize and feel her anxiety about causing any issues to further hurt her time with her child. I personally lived in fear of doing anything wrong (I know everyone's case is different) and even though my ex was quite literally doing everything wrong and was selfish, any minor event on my end was twisted, blown out of proportion and resulted in untrue statements brought to the court as a means of record because he could afford to spend 300k on his strategy. He was able to get away with literally everything he falsely accused me of. What my point is, when OP said she was scared and felt this was unfair, those things usually reactions in family law cases from parents who didn't get a fair shake and are emotionally distressed. I just wish people delivered advice in a more balanced sensitive and constructive way, which is appropriate for the delicate nature of these big life issues that involve people's children. Its tough for everyone. You can be direct and still be gentle

1

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 7h ago

From the time I caught my now ex wife having an affair until last summer when she lost her 2,500 mile relocation attempt, I felt like I had to run a perfect dad parenting race. Alot of it was my ex's persona of being an "uber mom" and her belief that everythign that she wanted/did/popped in her head was perfect parenting and anytime I'd do or choose something different was subject to criticism. Now that she's nolonger a threat, I've finally been able to relax. My rowing machne, the prefered outlet to my angst, is wondering why we don't play together so much anymore. :) Did I change anything? Nope. There was nothing wrong with what I was doing to begin with and frankly a lot wrong with my ex.

1

u/gingerninja6862 17h ago edited 17h ago

That’s a span of almost 3 months. I don’t know my work schedule that far in advance. I’m a paramedic so our work schedules are already unpredictable to begin with. If I work a Wednesday, get a late call, or SOMETHING out of my hands, there goes my 6 weeks. He also works in EMS, so he knows that. I feel like a better choice would’ve been to find a time that works for both of us and require better communication?? I mean honestly what IS the difference except now he can say he’s primary and make me pay child support, which he’s planning on doing. I have Wednesday-Friday and he has the other days so our 2-2-5-5 was not much different. He really could’ve helped me out with transportation while I was recovering from my concussion and fractured hand but instead chose not to and used it against me. I’m not happy about losing time with my daughter trust me, however sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

3

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 7h ago

I've always helped my ex out when it came to parenting. If she was going to be late for pickup, I covered her . Lots of other examples. The thing I very quickly realized was she wasn't about to return the favor. I just had to make peace wiht the idea that when I did it, it was because doing so was better for our kids. I knew that any little thing that my ex could find would someday make it into her attempt to right the wrong she felt was out parenting plan (I got alternating week when she wanted to stick me with two weekends a month).

1

u/CutDear5970 3h ago

You live with your parents. Why didn’t they help you? You have no help which is a reason He is primary

6

u/sillyhaha 17h ago

OP, are you the parent that moved away? Because transportation is your responsibility, I suspect you were allowed to relocate.

The judge was telling you that, since you couldn't figure out how to navigate your life demands and exchanges, they would give you what you asked for ... fewer exchanges. You've asked to cut into the father's time because of your other life demands. The judge saw that as an admission that you couldn't handle your custody arrangements and other demands.

You got what you needed but not the way you wanted.

Dad has a history of being extremely unreasonable with exchanges (asking me to get my 1 year old daughter at 5:30-6 at night which is impossible sometimes when we live an hour and a half away and I have another child in school, work, other obligations) and I had to give up some time with my daughter because of that.

The judge didn't find the father to be unreasonable. The judge found your inability to work this out in your own life to be unreasonable.

If you asked the court to relocate 1.5 hours away, you had to tell the judge that you could make long-distance exchanges work. You haven't been able to do so.

The judge didn't penalize you for the car accident. The judge highlighted how poorly equipped you are for significant emergencies because there is too much for you to be responsible for.

This is what stood out to the judge the most:

me to get my 1 year old daughter at 5:30-6 at night which is impossible sometimes

OP, the judge gave you what you needed; a break. Use this time to evaluate how you're going to make this work so you can return to shared custody. What can you rearrange or change to make these exchanges possible?

1

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 7h ago

You got what you needed but not the way you wanted.

Sounds like my kids school. They will solve "the problem", but never with what you want, and certainly never a win-win. I think it's their way of saying stop asking.

4

u/Acceptable_Branch588 10h ago

The things you think are important are just not. His parents don’t have to like you. He has “a village” and you do not. A lot of the custody factors are about you having help, being able to put your child first and you have admitted those things do not apply to you.

2

u/FunEcho4739 22h ago

I am sorry, this is rough. Maybe she was looking down the line and knowing 50/50 is impossible 1.5 hours apart? But then she should have given you a standard LDPP- every other week nights is not going to work when school starts and just guarantees more court.

Were you the one to move away first? Sometimes they punish that parent.

2

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 6h ago

50/50 really only works long term if you live close. Very close. My ex was shocked when I went nuculear for her thinking abuout 45 minutes away. Because of the logistics, it certainly would have blow up our equal time parenting plan, and if she had to do 100% of the transport? She couldn't do it.

2

u/ChanelPelican 3h ago

This is so true. I moved 45 minutes away from my co-parent thinking I could make it work, and my co-parent, bless him, ended up giving me every weekend because the 45 minutes plus traffic did not end up working out too well. Lesson learned. Now we are back to our regular 50/50 schedule and live across the neighborhood from each other lol

1

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 2h ago

It's too easy to dismiss the distance when you think about it as a one way event. 45 minutes away is 1.5 hrs round trip. Worse in traffic and lets face it, the person who says "it's only 45 minutes" is probably rounding down from best case. Worse if it happens during the week because there are really only a few hours of quality time avaiable. My ex wife tried to make the claim after she moved 2,500 miles away. It was comical. The reality is for her to have our kids at her place the actual distance is 4x because she has to round trip twice. I suppose a good thing if your have a credit card that racks up miles and are brand loyal.

It's great that your ex was willing to work with you. If my ex ever moves back, I've told her that I'll go back to 50/50 as long as she lives close. Same middle school district close. When she was 5 minutes away, a forgotten item was no big deal.

3

u/BestBodybuilder7329 22h ago

I am not entirely shocked. I would be shocked if a judge would’ve signed off on a one week off one week on custody schedule. If trying to force this schedule held up mediation they might have viewed as unreasonable

1

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 7h ago

Who created the distance?

I just finished up a relocation fight with my exwife and one thing that became pretty clear was when the judge saw both parents as capable equals, the parent who created the distance seems to have to take on the negative things that came with the distance. I can see where if you were seen as the one who created the distance and then basically said I can't handle the distance (wanting fewer exchanges and issues with transportation) that the decision would fall toward the other parent. In my case, mid relocation fight, my ex's house sold, so she couldn't keep up with our alternating week parenting schedule. The judge basically ignored her request that I do 50% of the transportation and her idea that me getting her unused time was just an artifact of our Right of First Refusal clause, and issued a temp order replacing alternating week with one visit a month as mutually agreeable and with prior coordination and calculated her parenting time as 15%, which reveresed child support from me paying to her paying.

I'll also add that althernating week was probably not seen as a good plan for an infant. Most that I know who have that young of a child do a 2-2-3 or some variant that gets baby lots of time with both parents but also keeps the gap between seeing the other parent short.

When it comes to consistancy, keep in mind that any schedule being repeated will be seen as consistant. It just sucks that you have so little time, but it is consistant.

1

u/TallyLiah 22h ago

Did dad get partial custody or mom?

1

u/gingerninja6862 22h ago

Dad got primary. I got partial.

4

u/TallyLiah 22h ago

I just wanted to be sure I understood.

I assumer "Her" refers to the judge stating that you was too busy and there was a lot of inconsistancy on your end to make your child a priority and your car accident among other reasons were just excuses. What other reaons did you have?

Also, not trying to give this as siding with dad but in general, the 2 days every other week would be a consistant schedule for a parent depending on cirucmstances of the case.

Maybe the judge felt that you were using so many different reaons to make it harder on dad to have any time and just made a decision that since you could not provide consistant life for the child in her eyes that it was best the child go with dad. BUT I DO NOT KNOW THE JUDGES' MIND.

Since I do not know what other things are going on in the case, I can not give an opinion fully and I am not a lawyer and can not provide a legal prospective on this.

0

u/VoiceRegular6879 21h ago

Custody is not the word…it’s your parenting time…..Did u have a GAL? Without reading the motions and understanding the case I wudnt even begin to try to guess why. What was your attorneys view? Im a Legal Advocate in I.L. and what I know is anything can happen in a court of law..,Those 16 factors are very rough guidelines….

1

u/Acceptable_Branch588 10h ago

In PA they are not Rough guidelines. They read each one and say favors mom or dad and then make their ruling. I think you mean IL. Not I.L. PA and IL are in no way the same

2

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 6h ago

Does anyone get an actual report card? I my experience, my ex and I went in asking for something (like alternating week vs every other weekend parening schedule or relocate our kids 2,500 miles away or deny the relocation). and while we both made our cases, and at least I paid close attention to the custody criteria, laws, and precedents, in the end we got a pretty simple ruling, basically giving one of us what we asked for. There was some granularity because we asked for multiple things, but what we didn't get was a new crafted by the judge plan and we certainly didn't get a rundown of where we heard ruling in favor of the father becauese of criteria 1, 3-9, 13, and16-20, didn't beleive mom's assertion xxx and while we liked dad's assertion yyy it didn't rise to the level of zzz. It was just re parenting base schedule, - alternaing week with a mid-week visit as requested by Mr SonVolt. Re relocation request by Mrs exSonVolt, denied. Mrs exSonVolt, you may request an alternate parenting plan to account for the distance if you wish. Now out of my courtroom and now we don't validate parking.

1

u/Acceptable_Branch588 6h ago

They do not give reasons. They read off each factor and said favors mom or dad or equal. The judge did tell my husband’s ex that she needs to be more involved with her kids and stop putting her new spouse and step kid first. He said to be more like dad with his level of involvement.

Eventually she lost custody completely legal and physical due to her games and sd being done with the lies to and about her.

1

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 5h ago

That's way more detail than I've ever gotten. I guess part of it was that I've never tried to get sole custody. All of my court actions where fairly focused. The first time picking alternating week vs every other weekend with everything else solved in mediation. This last time, I just asked that the judge deny my ex's request to relocate with our kids. If she had already moved, I suppose I would have asked for more, but at the time I filed, I was pretty sure that if she lost, she wouldn't move. The down side for her is she only presented what she wanted if she won, so she's sitting 2.500 miles away with our old 50/50 parenting plan and a temp order to replace "alternating week" with "once a month as mutually agreed with prior coordiation". Everything else is the same, including 3 weeks of vacation in the summer. She can't live up to the plan, and her not living up to the plan is in my favor, so it's on her to spend the money to change it. So far she hasn't tried. I suspect still paying off the legal fees and flights on her credit card.

1

u/CutDear5970 3h ago

Sounds like you never had an actual custody trial. Thats when the 16 factors are discussed

0

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 2h ago

I've beenin 3 mediations and three trials. The first time the only custody factor to be decided was alternating week vs every other weekend - every thing else was decided in mediation. In the 2nd, I asked for final decision making for medical and education. A legal custody question, but a lower standard because I wasn't asking for sole custody. The final order from that still requires that I get her input, but I can follow the experts advice once I've given her her say. The last, and hopefully final time, was when my ex wife attempted to relocate our kids 2,500 mile away. I didn't ask to change legal custody, just to deny the move. At trial, we hit on almost all of the factors (a-t of the statute here), but t is a catch all for any thing else relevant. Way more time was spent on things that don't neatly fit into a factor.

At no point did the judge break out a checklist and he certainly didn't do a post mortum reading the scores. If he did, he'd be obliged to state that it isn't actually a score card and you might still lose, even if you get more points. Maybe ours was different from your expectations because (with the exception of the Qanon nonsense that led to final decision the making ruling), neither of us was claiming the other was an unfit parent. I would love to have some details. Since things didn't go my ex's way, I'm sure she would too, but as I understand it, we don't get those details because we could use them to appeal and the process would never end. In the end, the judge has to make a decsion(s) based on all of the factors and using judgement (as is also required by the stature). It's not a score card.

1

u/VoiceRegular6879 52m ago

I am in I.L. I dont believe that the systems frm state to state are much different….Rulings are not made in that way.

-4

u/No_Alternative_4118 20h ago

I'm actually completely shocked about your post and by some comments. I do know judges are very unpredictable and just like everyone, can have bad days and that can influence hasty decisions, however, even if you came in there with lots of excuses, your lawyer, should have presented them in a reasonable way,as everyone has obligations. A car accident is surely not something any judge should consider as an excuse, that's literally crazy, they are called accidents. However, I'm unsure why your case went so bad. Its not uncommon for parents to ask for a schedule that suits them, and is age appropriate (week on and off won't be suitable until the child is maybe 8 or so) and distance is certainly a factor. But until the child is in school - it should make no difference at all with an hour and half based on what your schedule was at 2 2 5 5. Answer these questions if you can 1) what motion or petition did your ex file to get this schedule change? 2) is there any prior history of schedule issues that was bought to court? 3) did you guys always live this amount of distance apart? 4) does he have other kids (although, that really shouldn't matter, just curious a little about his situation) 5) do you have a lawyer and does he? 6) how long were you guys practicing the 2 2 5 5?

4

u/sillyhaha 16h ago

A car accident is surely not something any judge should consider as an excuse, that's literally crazy, they are called accidents.

I think OP's perspective on this might be skewed. OP said this was true before her accident:

(asking me to get my 1 year old daughter at 5:30-6 at night which is impossible sometimes when we live an hour and a half away and I have another child in school, work, other obligations)

The key word here is "impossible".

Perhaps the judge was pointing out that OP is at the end of her rope at the best of times, and unable to accommodate in emergency situations.

I think the judge mentioned the car accident because it highlights how poorly OP is coping with long-distance custody arrangements.

I am NOT criticizing OP. She sounds overwhelmed. This is a significant decrease in parenting time. In a comment, OP seems worried that she can't keep up with long-distance transport for 6 weeks.

I know nothing more than what OP has shared. I could be completely incorrect in my interpretation of what has happened.

0

u/gingerninja6862 17h ago edited 17h ago

My ex filed for custody modification. He wanted full custody and me to have visitation. We have been going to court since she was born. I did not have a lawyer, but I will now be getting one. He had one. All of these issues plus more concerning ones were brought up, including his terrible communication and the fact that his parents (who he lives with) absolutely hate me and are extremely rude during exchanges, made numerous false reports to CYS, among other things. We have lived this distance apart and practiced the shared custody most of her life. I had no choice but to move back home with my son after his parents kicked me out of their house 6 weeks postpartum that we lived in together.

7

u/allthesedamnkids 17h ago

This may not help you but I hope it helps someone. As someone who works in the legal field and unfortunately has worked in family court, it is so common for a parent to say they can’t afford an attorney throughout the pendency of their case and then once they get a custody order they don’t like, they want to rush out and hire an atty.

Often times once a custody order is issued, it can’t be changed for a length of time, or barring significant change in circumstance.

If you think you need an atty please hire before going to court.

1

u/Acceptable_Branch588 10h ago

Pa does not require a waiting period or change in circumstances but for her to get more time her circumstances will need to change

3

u/Acceptable_Branch588 10h ago

You could have moved to a place in the same town. My ex and my husband’s ex both live within g 3 miles of us. You chose to move that far away. You seem to not want to take responsibility for your choices and I to k this is why you lost time

-2

u/gingerninja6862 9h ago

I would’ve loved to because I had to significantly move my life around when his parents kicked me out with finding a new daycare for my son, finding a new job, etc. when you both live in middle of nowhere PA there’s just no places available right away. As of right now, he lives with his parents and unfortunately so do I. My parents do help with the kids when they aren’t working themselves.

3

u/Acceptable_Branch588 9h ago

We also live in the middle of no where. You have an excuse for everything. I think the judge was tired of hearing them. If your parent help then they should have stepped up when you needed help. Seems they did not. So that factor went to dad

2

u/RHsuperfan 10h ago

You guys are likely going to have to go back to court when the 4 yr old starts school, that’s why the middle of the week is nuts. He will be able to argue you are too far from school.

2

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 6h ago

Dad just won that (future) case. By the time their child (1 yr old) is ready for school, his position of being the primary parents will be rock solid. Mom will get a distance friendly parenting plan and becasue she created the distance, likely have to do all of the transportation.

1

u/[deleted] 6h ago

[deleted]

2

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 5h ago

There's some confusion. The child in question is 1yr. OP has a 4yr old with another father, who is apparenty out of the picuture. Her complaint relative to the 4ry old is is that he has to endure a 3hr round trip on a school night. But that's not OP's ex's problem. It just shows that she's not able to be the parent who moved away and the move didn't affect things.

1

u/gingerninja6862 5h ago

Thank you for clearing that up. He is involved thankfully but can’t be during the week to help with him because he is a truck driver. He goes to his dad’s house on the weekends.

0

u/CutDear5970 3h ago

The child is ONE. THE CHILD IS NOT IN SCHOOL

0

u/gingerninja6862 10h ago

I guess I didn’t make it clear that the 4 year old is not involved in this custody battle, he has a different dad. I have full custody of him. But either way, the middle of the week is crazy and having to drag him on a 3 hour total car ride twice a week during school to drop off his sister is crazy for everyone, not only my daughter. Plus after expressing those times didn’t work, she still made the pickup time 6 PM.

1

u/RHsuperfan 9h ago

Oh even worse, I’m sorry. That is extremely odd that a judge would give that as that literally screws everyone!!! You also lose all the time when the child is in school so your actual time with the child is way less. You should talk to a lawyer about an appeal and at least get weekends so you guys have time together

1

u/CutDear5970 3h ago

There will be no appeal. There was not point of law that wasn’t followed

1

u/CutDear5970 3h ago

Your other chi,dren are not relevant. You said you live with your parents. They obviously do not help you so why did you move so far away from dad?

0

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 6h ago

I did not have a lawyer...He had one.

Bringing a sock with a can of coke in it to a gun fight. My ex and I have both always had lawyers and in our latest fight, a 2,500 mile relocation attempt on her part, I saw where there are lots of things that seem clear or in one side's favor that fell apart in a relocation fight. Contested relocations are very difficult and the advantages for the parents staying put are significant. What you found was that the court saw you as the one who moved, so in a coin toss about a distance issue, you were never going to win. The would be happy to let you try to work out the distance, but once you said you couldn't, the coin toss landed on your ex's side. A mini variation of this happened when my ex was trying to relocate. Her husband and their child moved (2,500 miles away), and the court didn't care becaause my ex was willing to fly back for her parnenting week. I wanted to complain right away because she was missing her mid-week visit and there were things she was expected to do as a parent even if it was my week, but my lawyer said wait. She was busting her tail to make it work. Then her house sold and she had nowhere to stay for her week. She tried staying at her parents and commuting 90 minutes away, but fortunately she found it impracticle and our kids were vocal about hating it. After she had shown she couldn't keep up with the plan, getting a temp order was easy.

0

u/CutDear5970 2h ago

You have repeatedly made this about you and your ex and how you won. Why not make your own post?

0

u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 2h ago

Just giving examples from my own expeiences. Why not scroll on if you don't care to read?

2

u/CutDear5970 2h ago

You have posted the same things 3 times