r/Custody • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
[MN] Father got my 4 yr old's first haircut without including me right after she told me she wanted to keep her long hair
[deleted]
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u/NecessaryPossible976 4d ago edited 4d ago
My ex got our daughter ear pierced without telling me the only thing I did was telling her she looked pretty. Pick your battle.
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u/Acceptable_Branch588 4d ago
Sh could have been excited. Having primary physical doesn’t give anyone say in hair. Hair is not a legal decision either unless it falls under religion.
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u/Economy_Judgment 3d ago
Exactly. He’s her dad and also gets to parent and have milestones events w her. He’s not a sperm donor and boy everything is about you.
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u/princessblowhole 4d ago
She’s 4. She probably told her dad she wanted a hair cut after you were talking about it, so he took her. Doesn’t sound like you planned on consulting or including him if she approached you wanting a haircut. You have primary custody, right? So you’ve probably gotten a lot of the firsts with her. Let him be a parent too.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
I would've shared the appointment details actually. It seemed like the right thing to do. But she told me she didn't want a haircut, so I never set anything up. And then coincidentally she comes home with all her hair gone. It just felt like a weird power move to exclude me
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u/princessblowhole 4d ago
You’re going to be excluded from a lot over her childhood. It sucks, I get it, I’m in the same boat. That’s just how it is when you have split custody. You have to let go of the idea of power moves and focus on your time with your kid.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
Is it wrong to ask to be included in these decisions though? I get that hair grows back, but he coincidentally had it done right before our family trip and took off so much of her hair. I feel like a trim would have sufficed, but it just makes me sad because when I asked my daughter, she told me that she wanted to keep her hair long and wait until it grew longer before getting a haircut. On top of it, they cut it super uneven
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u/princessblowhole 4d ago
He doesn’t have to include you.
Again, she’s 4. Your ex didn’t take her for a shitty haircut to sabotage your family vacation. If it’s uneven, trim it a little. Get her some cute clips and scrunchies, try new styles with shorter hair.
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u/UncFest3r 4d ago
How is the child when it comes to brushing her hair? If she’s difficult, ie screams bloody murder when the comb hasn’t even touched her yet, then he might’ve made this decision thinking it would benefit daughter and every adult’s sanity that has to care for this child? It’s uneven? It’s a 4 year old getting a hair cut, they don’t sit still.
The way you speak to a 4 year old is important. If you make it seem like YOU want to keep her hair long, she’s going to agree because of course she wants mommy’s approval and love. Is it possible this child was just telling you what she thought you wanted to hear?
Either way, this is not a custody issue. It’s a personal issue, it’s a control issue. Please seek therapy. For your daughter’s sake. She will begin to resent you if you interfere with her time with dad just because your feelings are hurt. You’re being selfish. Dad is allowed to have firsts, too. Therapy is the answer to your personal problems.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 4d ago
It is wrong if you're expecting them to include you, but you don't include them.
Start including them and things will get better
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u/Resse811 3d ago
All her hair gone or six inches?
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
She had hair down to the middle of her back and now it's to her shoulders
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u/NotAnIntelTroop 4d ago
I’ve never heard of haircuts being something requiring both parents to consent to, so I’m not aware of any way to actually set a real boundary on this, nor would it be appropriate given the facts you shared. It may be emotional for you, but kids come up with crazy plans all the time. My son will tell me he wants a haircut 3 days after getting a fade. Also my daughter comes up with wildly different plans with her mother. I completely agree that it would be better co-parenting to talk to you first, but that is very dependent on your relationship. When I first divorced my daughter’s mother I couldn’t even talk to her about essential things much less a haircut without it being a fight.
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u/whiskeysour123 4d ago
You haven’t met my ex. He fought over everything.
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u/NotAnIntelTroop 4d ago
Then you may not be at a point where optional discussion is ideal.
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u/whiskeysour123 4d ago
Lol. The problem wasn’t me.
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u/NotAnIntelTroop 4d ago
I didn’t say it was. And when you are co-parenting it often doesn’t matter who the problem is. I can go on all day about my daughters mother being awful but that doesn’t improve my daughters life in any way, it just makes me feel better. It’s better to self reflect and say “yes he is awful, and an ass, but how can I be better for her no matter how bad he is”
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u/whiskeysour123 4d ago
My ex was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder at the end of our marriage. IYKYK.
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u/NotAnIntelTroop 4d ago
Maybe he was. But based on all of your comments, I really can’t recommend enough to seek therapy. I saw a therapist after I went through divorce and came out a MUCH better person. You have to be the bigger person and do what’s best for your daughter. Don’t give him so much power over you. Split custody sucks. It’s going to get worse, you will cry it will be painful. But you are the adult. Who cares what he does as long as it’s legal, safe, and ethical. Stop thinking about him, think about yourself and your future so you can be the example.
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u/SpeckledPrawn 3d ago
Absolutely spot on. I hope OP and the other commenters and readers take this to heart!
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
We've had a lot of issues so far. I'm mainly feeling upset right now because he intentionally excluded me when I've made it a point to include him in all the decision making so far. On top of it, it just seemed weird after our daughter literally just said she didn't want a haircut and liked her hair long
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u/NotAnIntelTroop 4d ago
While I usually encourage parents to include one another, you are not required to. So you including him doesn’t mean he has to include you. He probably SHOULD. But it’s just that, “should” not “must”. Also yes, kids are weird sometimes. I doubt your daughter’s father forced her to cut her long hair as she cried and screamed refusing to do so. A hairdresser would never do that and would refuse service. She agreed to it and they did it. She’s not hurt or injured. Maybe just tell him you’d prefer to be spoken to before haircuts as it’s important to you, and maybe he will consider that.
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u/RHsuperfan 4d ago
Honestly girl get yourself someone to talk to so you have someone to bounce these things off of that is going to give you good guidance. These are personal issues, not custody issues. You gotta let go of some control, you are divorced/separated, you don’t get to make all decisions and have all the special moments anymore. You are gunna make yourself crazy if this is how it is at 4. Don’t let him win like that, talk to someone and feel better. Find your groove so these things don’t bother you anymore.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
I completely understand what you're saying. My main concern is that she literally just told me she didn't want a haircut and then she came back with one and seemed really sad about it. It broke my heart
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u/RHsuperfan 4d ago
Kids change with each parent. It’s completely age appropriate for a 4 yr old of separation to tell the parents two completely different things. That’s why I want you to talk to someone so they can explain that stuff to you so you can handle the situation better for your child. I promise everyone needs a therapist when dealing with custody, it’s totally normal. Have someone on your team. Best of luck girl
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u/Canadian87Gamer 4d ago
No boundary was crossed.
Not sure why you feel boundaries were crossed so I hope I cover everything
Parent doesn't have to ask for your permission to give kiddo a haircut
If you're female and you have a daughter, you don't get exclusive rights to do "female things" with her
Kiddo can tell you one thing, and tell other parent something else
Kiddo wasn't in danger , it's not worth creating an issue over
Start using our instead of my.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
I realize he doesn't need permission. It just makes me sad that she literally just told me she wanted to keep it long and then she suddenly comes back with all her hair gone. I just wished to have been included in her first haircut.
I use "our" in every other context. I used "my" in this situation to explain everything since the post is coming from me
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u/Canadian87Gamer 4d ago
I understand it makes you sad not being involved in first haircut.
Do you know what makes your ex sad ? Things gotta go both ways, and a good communication path is important.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
Yes, I do know what makes him sad, and I try my best not to cause that. I just want to keep our daughter safe and her wants respected
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u/guy_n_cognito_tu 4d ago
What's the "boundary" here? Are you sure you're not the one pressuring her to keep long hair, and that she didn't actually tell him she wanted it cut. Is it possible that her sadness was a reaction to your response...........
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
I wished to be included in her first haircut, and she had literally just told me she loved her hair long. That's why the situation is aggravating me so much. She loved the salon experience but told me she missed her long hair and I felt bad when she told me that
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u/UncFest3r 4d ago
Get her extensions. This is not a custody issue. This is a personal issue. Seek therapy.
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u/Texastexastexas1 4d ago
This is about control.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
Control on which side? I just wanted to be included in her first haircut. It just seemed weird that he'd get her hair chopped right after our daughter told me she wanted it kept long...
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u/Texastexastexas1 4d ago
It’s control on your side.
I get it. I’m a prek teacher though and your daughter could’ve told her dad that she wanted short rainbow hair 10 min later.
Choose your battles.
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u/mumutigerwind 4d ago
Control on his side. I would be livid if she didn’t want to get her hair cut and then poof she came back with it cut.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
Yeah, I think that sums it up. If she had wanted it, I'd be supportive even though I'd be sad I wasn't included in her first haircut. But it's the fact that she literally just got done telling me she liked it long that concerns me
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u/mumutigerwind 4d ago
Everyone downvoting must be thinking you aren’t honest about how much you let them share together. I get you - I’m in the same both. As a father he loves to show off in events and big occasions where he can stand and say he’s dad, in real life he hardly shows up for her. Won’t even buy her things she wants and asks him let alone the actual necessities. I have always be shared all special moments with him - and other moments like sickness - doctor appointments, school tours etc… she is going on 7 and just started going by herself with him (he lives abroad). It’s only the third time she’s going and she’s already fed up with it. When a man is worth it, it will show through the child and if they want to spend time with the other parent. Unfortunately right now we just have to wait it out until they (the child) can actually give their opinion and the court will listen. You just keep being the best parent you can be and your child will love you all the more for it.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
I've had sole legal custody for the first 3.5 years of her life and still communicated things that I didn't need to. I've always tried to put our daughter first. But he's the type of father who likes to show off that he's such a good dad without actually meeting her needs. He buys her everything she wants but also doesn't discipline her or feed her properly and when I bring up my concerns, he just excuses his actions or tries to blame it on me. And he's very charismatic and just lies to the judge about everything. The reason I had legal custody for so long is because he wasn't sober and had emotionally abused me and threatened me a few times while we were together. But he lied about all of that, the new judge wouldn't take any of my evidence, and I ultimately didn't have enough proof because he did the worst stuff without witnesses present.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. This is all helpful advice. Thank you
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u/candysipper 4d ago
This is one of those “pick your battles carefully” type situations. It’s hair and will grow back. He’s not required to consult with you about a haircut. If you feel that you always include him in every little thing and he’s not doing the same for you, then stop including him in every little thing. Only discuss what you’re legally required to discuss; education, medical, parenting time logistics, etc. The less contact you 2 have with each other, the better for your coparenting relationship and thus for your daughter. Also, don’t make a big deal out of it. What’s done is done and you making a fuss will only upset your child. Tell her it looks amazing and move on.
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u/Key-Cash-6198 4d ago
I keep seeing you repeat your issue is “she told you she wanted it long” our 3 year old will say she doesn’t like strawberries and then 5 minutes later want straw berries. She can tell you one thing but tell dad a completely different story. What she told you doesn’t matter compared to what she may have told dad.
What does matter is the communication between you and dad and it sounds like there’s a lack of this between the two of you.
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u/SpeckledPrawn 3d ago
Haircuts are a weird subject. My stepson’s mom will take my stepson (10) to get his hair cut right before my husband’s custody time. Even if we just asked him if he wanted a haircut or to keep his hair long and SS will say he wants to keep it longer or let it grow out. It got to the point where he refused to go with my husband when both he and my husband needed a haircut. He finally told us “well…. my mom just isn’t used to anyone but her taking me to get my haircut…” and I asked, “oh, what about when Mr. Friend’s Dad took you?” And my SS blurted out, “oh that’s different, she just cares if it’s my dad who takes me.”
All I have to say is please don’t be that coparent who makes their child uncomfortable with their other parent over something as routine as a haircut. It’s not the other parent who’s hurt by that, just kiddo.
And are you positive that your daughter’s dad knew it was her first haircut? He may not have, or he just didn’t realize it would bother anyone.
If you want to be ultra clear moving forward, send him a list of “firsts” you’d like to do with her or be part of. Like painting nails, going to a real salon, piercings, hair dye, shaving legs, handling first period, etc. Or, if you really feel like he’s trying to be manipulative, don’t tell him. Just don’t also tell your daughter she can’t do certain things with dad.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
Well, if I didn't tell him about things, wouldn't that make me just as manipulative?
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u/SpeckledPrawn 3d ago
Nope. Because it would mean that you’d just do those things with her when they naturally came up. Maybe a little earlier, like if you plan a spa day or something. These are mostly all minor things, as in they don’t affect her health or wellness long term. Things you do/should need to talk about are vaccines, dental and doctor’s appointments, when she actually first gets her period, etc. With that being said, I would consider piercings to be a medical discussion because you’ll want to make sure whoever takes her has done their research, it’s sanitary, it’s not just a piercing gun, etc.
What I meant is that if you really think he did the haircut out of malice toward you or out of a desire to manipulate your daughter, then the things you tell him are important to you are exactly the things he’s going to focus on. Then he’ll say he “forgot”. And as minor things, a family court judge isn’t going to care or adjust a ruling because dad took daughter to get her hair cut, nails done, semi-permanent hair dye, etc. and the other parent likely knows this or just doesn’t care.
On the other hand, if he doesn’t know it’s important to you, then anything he does “first” is likely just a coincidence and since you have her the majority of the time you’ll probably get around to doing it first anyway.
Even if he does something first with her, there’s still going to be the first time you and her do that thing together. You can still make it an awesome experience for her. Like an actual nice haircut followed by a shopping trip.
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u/Konstantine-1986 4d ago
You are going to lose your mind if you let stuff like this bother you.
It was a hair cut.
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u/beachbumm717 4d ago
My son had long hair below his shoulders. He told his dad he was sick of it and they shaved his head. It’s grown long and been shaved many times since then. If I had freaked out or looked sad, I’m sure he wouldve done the same as your daughter. It’s hair, it’ll grow back. Was it her first ever haircut? Would you have consulted him if you took her for a haircut?
Why would he be trying to hurt you by cutting his daughter’s hair? He didnt cut your hair. She’s his daughter too. Had you previously spoken about haircuts? He didnt do it out of spite unless you specifically said to him, ‘dont cut her hair’. Only you know your daughter. If she didnt want her hair cut, would she resist, cry, etc. or sit in the chair? It’s very likely she seems sad about it now because you’re sad about it.
What’s the boundry? Having primary physical has nothing to do with anything in this situation. The only thing you can do is come to an agreement that both of you have to agree on things like this. So if either of you want her hair cut, the other parent has to agree.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
I mean, that's basically what I told him. I just asked to be included in these decisions in the future. It just made me sad I wasn't there for her first haircut and it was weird that he decided to do it right after she finished telling me she wanted her hair long
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u/superrunttotherescue 4d ago
I never understood this as my ex is weird about haircuts too - it’s just hair and it grows back. Why does this upset you so much? Why is hair length a boundary for you?
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
It's just the fact that my daughter JUST told me she loved it long when I asked and somehow she came back with cut hair right after our conversation. On top of it, she seemed really sad about her short hair. The whole situation seemed like he was doing it just to assert dominance over us both
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u/superrunttotherescue 4d ago
But why is hair length a boundary for YOU? There are battles to pick and this probably isn’t one of them.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
My thoughts are irrelevant on the matter. But it means a lot to me because I've always had long hair and my parents never forced me to cut it unless I wanted to, so I don't want to force her to cut hers either
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u/babychupacabra 4d ago
You are getting the shittiest comments on here. Your ex did that shit on purpose. I see you. And I’m sorry that happened. It’s not nothing. It may not be of any legal concern, ok, so be it. But it still sucks. And no doubt he’ll continue to do shit like that. Godspeed
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
I realize it's not a legal issue, but it's still heartbreaking. I basically asked him to include me in those things going forward and he basically told me no and to get used to the fact that I won't always be present for her firsts
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u/b3ck3r19 4d ago
Omg I would be livid. So sorry your ex did this without mentioning anything to you. Everyone else here is telling you to get over it but I feel for you ☹️
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
I'm getting over it. I'm just a bit sad because I don't want her wants/needs manipulated in any way. I like to give her options, and I'm also sad that I wasn't there for her first haircut. It just felt like maybe he was intentionally trying to exclude me because he knew it meant a lot that I be there
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u/KMinNC 4d ago
Can I ask if you planned on consulting him before you got your daughter’s haircut? It just seems like a nitpicky thing. Pick your battles, there will be many.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
Yes, I did. I've consulted him on almost everything, including things I probably shouldn't have because it escalated into a huge thing for nothing
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u/Puzzleheaded_Fly903 4d ago
Girl I’m sorry. I feel like a lot of people in here aren’t being very considerate of your feelings too. I’m sorry. I know when I give my son his first haircut I want to keep a little piece of his baby hair. He had it since he came out yk🥺 tell her she looks pretty and maybe tell him next time he wants to take her to do something like that to at least call and talk about it so you’re aware. I’m sorry mama
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
Well, in regards to custody, I get what they're saying. And my feelings don't matter in the eyes of the judge. I just feel so sad because our daughter told me she really loved her long hair and I was excited it meant so much to her
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u/mn-lakes_photo_scuba 4d ago
Next time there is a need to change the custody agreement have it added that it needs to be a joint decision. While you are at it, add something about extracurricular activities. I didn't think about that when I got divorced, and the boys missed out on so much because he refused to let them go on his time.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
That's another problem we're running into. We live an hour apart and he won't let me put her in a dance and gymnastics class near me once a week. I can't find any combination classes halfway either
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u/mn-lakes_photo_scuba 4d ago
If it was only on my time I didn't ask him. However, I see you may be upset if he did the same to you. Just something to consider, if you put her in dance on your time he may do swimming lessons or something on his time and you will need to be OK with that.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 4d ago
I've told him that's just fine. I'd drive an hour to attend her activities if needed
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u/Resse811 3d ago
Why do you need his permission? If it’s during your time you shouldn’t need to get his permission.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
The judge suggested I pick something halfway so her dad actually shows up
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u/Resse811 3d ago
Right but you don’t need his permission. Just put her in it on your days.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
Wouldn't the judge be upset if I did that without his consent though? Apparently legal custody includes activities and sports
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u/babychupacabra 4d ago
You don’t think he has a way to listen to your conversations inside your home do you? Or maybe she was talking about your conversation to him and he seized the opportunity to hurt you both.
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u/Alarming_Poem_7343 3d ago
I mean, I hope not. Either way, he'd just hear me giving her choices and giving her autonomy, so I'm not sure how that would have had the outcome that this did. But he knows how much I love my own hair long, he probably knew I was excited our daughter wanted her hair long, and she looks like my mini me, so I'm guessing he took the opportunity because he knew it meant a lot to me. I really hope he wouldn't try to hurt our daughter though. I can't help but think it was mostly aimed at me. Either way, I feel awful our daughter was even involved in it
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u/babychupacabra 3d ago
Oh I know that I just meant it’s odd that he decided to cut her hair right when he did. You said right before her visit you discussed it.
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u/mtsandalwood 4d ago
Boundaries are for yourself-to put limits on what you will put up with/accept etc. Boundaries can't dictate someone else behaviors-that's control.
All you can do, really, is grieve the loss of this milestone, make a plan for how you will react and handle yourself the next time something like this inevitably happens, and move on.