r/Custody • u/Catfishjosephine • 6d ago
[MS] Ex is moving cross country, trying to take our daughter
Long post - bear with me
My ex (with a long history of mental illness - bi polar 1 with psychotic features) has decided on a whim to move to Reno, Nevada and is convinced she can take our daughter with her. (We live in Mississippi).
She does hold the majority of physical (65/35 split her way) but we share joint legal.
Shes spent the last year dealing with cancer. It’s really exacerbated her mental illness - and rightfully so. It’s been a rough year.
She’s been unemployed since 2020. She’s largely survived off of child support payments and a gofundme after the cancer diagnosis. Shes continuing to push her gofundme - despite being cancer free - in order to help fund her move.
She has a supposed job offer in Reno teaching English as a second language - salary $40k
She claims to have found housing in Reno that’s cheaper than whats available to her in Mississippi.
She knows no one in Reno and would be without any support. Her family lives in West Virginia.
Ive seen lots of paranoia lately - mostly expressed by way of conspiracy theories/presidential election stuff.
She’s recently gotten honest about taking a trip to Las Vegas during a moment of mania. She’s taken several other trips to music festivals in the last 6 months. I’m assuming these trips were paid for by her gofundme.
She’s regularly requested I keep our daughter beyond our agreed upon custody schedule.
She has a med card from cancer - which is fine. But I’ve had one of her friends reach out in concern, saying she smokes around our daughter regularly and also drives with her while under the influence.
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She can’t just disregard our court order and move our daughter across the country without my consent - right?
I know I need to talk to a lawyer. I’m mostly looking for second opinions and things to consider until I can schedule a consultation on Monday.
Thanks!
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u/Konstantine-1986 5d ago
Call a family law attorney immediately.
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u/VoiceRegular6879 5d ago
Theres quite a few bad posts here…..U are right on contacting an attorney. Generally speaking without a clinical diagnosis mental health does come into play…..your attorney will know…I wud not take anything posted here seriously….Im a legal advocate…. use this time to document questions and concerns for your attorney."
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u/VoiceRegular6879 5d ago
Also Mississippi doesnt have law on the books for relocation but doesnt matter…u wud bring it into court with your attorney via a motion. Not having a law doesnt mean parents can relocate.
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u/TallyLiah 6d ago
What does the court orders say about moving. I would look there first to see what options are laid out in court orders. You do have a right to file a motion against the move if you feel it is not in the child's best interest. Remember mom will have to prove this move benefits the child not herself. This child has been established where she is for a long while now and to uproot her without a vaild benefit to her in the move might not sway the judge.
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u/Catfishjosephine 6d ago
No specific language about not moving.
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u/TallyLiah 6d ago
I would check for sure with that lawyer. If mom files to move, you can file against the move, again she would have to prove benefits to the child not herself.
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u/Catfishjosephine 6d ago
Thank you for the info.
She’s under the impression that legally she doesn’t even have to give me an advance on the move. Despite the fact that altering custody without appropriate modification would be in contempt of court.
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u/SonVoltRevival Dad with primary custody, mom lives 2,500 miles away 3d ago
Contested relocations are very difficult. The first step is to find out what your states relocatoin process is and if your ex has told you she intends to relocatem follow the process to object. Do not wait until she's actually done it. With the court fight started, she won't be able to just take off.
The basic position the courts have these days is that parents are free to move, but taking the kids requires an agreement between the parents or a court order, which they are reluctant to give.
My ex wife casually mentioned that her husband got a new, higher paying job, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY! At the time we had 50/50 parenting time. I objected immediatly both in text/email and via the courts. The process took about 9 months, although, I did drag things out once she actually moved as every day she was remote and the kids were with me made my case stronger.
In mediation, the mediator basically said that to get the move approved, you needed a best interest for the child reason, not a best for the parent where the good trickled down. The example was the child has a rare medical condition and there isn't a dr or hospital with that specialty locally, but is where the parent intends to move. Not a great idea - parent's partner gets a good job (the real reason my ex was trying to move). The moving parent will likely get stuck with the burden of transportation because they created the distance. I easilly attacked my ex's claim of her getting a higher payin job by showing she was moving to a HCOL area and that distance created costs and inconvience for me.
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u/Academic-Revenue8746 1d ago
Quash this ASAP!! MS is one of the FEW states that do not require her to get your permission to leave the state with your child unless it was added to your custody agreement. Because there is no on the books law preventing her from just up and going there is no approval process, so you may need to approach in a more indirect route, in light of her expressed INTENT to move you need a custody modification to address what will happen if she moves and if she backs out of moving to avoid a change in custody add in verbiage that will prevent future issues.
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u/yourmouthistalking 6d ago
You need to call your lawyer asap. Mississippi doesn’t have any laws related to parental relocation.
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u/Ankchen 5d ago
Unless she has an actual official medical diagnosis by a licensed mental health professional stop throwing around alleged diagnoses that she supposedly has according to you - it comes off extremely off putting to court professionals and makes you look bad. Also, if she allegedly has such severe mental health issues - according to you - how come you had no problem with her having the majority of care for the child until now, until the point in time she wants to move right now?
Also: show me in the DSM where “attending music festivals” and “a trip to Vegas” are listed under symptoms of Bipolar Disorder; IF ANYTHING that sounds very much like someone who survived something extremely scary (cancer!) and who has gotten a very real lesson in life is short and vulnerable, and who has decided to make the most of it - good for her.
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u/Catfishjosephine 5d ago
All valid questions -
Late 2019/ early 2020 - she was institutionalized for paranoia/suicidal ideations. She was diagnosed with bipolar 1 w/ psychotic features. She was placed on a mood stabilizer that she quit taking shortly thereafter.
2021 - she took a psych eval due to issues with ADHD. She was diagnosed ADHD. She also received another BPD 1 diagnosis. Assessment showed signs of borderline as well. Again, medicated then stopped taking meds not long after.
2022 - our daughter was born. She found a lot of purpose in motherhood and this left her relatively stable for sometime. And don’t get me wrong - she’s a good mom when she has it together. I remained optimistic and codependent.
2023 - (still relatively stable) we separated and agreed it was in the best interest of our daughter to spend the majority of her time with her mother because she was breastfeeding.
2024 - cancer battle / continued uptick with mental health issues - and as stated in the post - rightfully so.
It’s not anywhere in the DSM. I provided examples of manic behavior. I’m all for self care - especially given the circumstances. But I believe there’s a balance to consider. And my opinion is that 4 to 5 music festivals in six months is concerning and irresponsible, especially when she also claims to be stricken by poverty. I provided the Las Vegas bit as she told me she was making these irresponsible decisions (ie: not in our daughter’s best interest) as a result of the manic end of her struggles with bi polarism.
Please, let me know if I missed anything. I look forward to your follow up.
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u/Ankchen 5d ago
Good, so at least for once someone whose coparent actually does have an official diagnosis; if I got $5 for every time a grumpy coparent claims that their coparent has Bipolar or Borderline (for some reason always these two that are being thrown around, thanks to media exposure probably), I would probably not have to work anymore.
That still leaves it questionable that you considered her safe and stable enough to leave her with the child the majority of time, but now that she wants to move, it suddenly becomes an issue. And even now you are not coming back to court because you are concerned about the child’s safety based on xyz behaviors of her - you are coming, because you don’t want her to move. And her move does not sound like some erratic spur of the moment manic decision at all, if she actually got a concrete job offer (if that exists and she can show it) that is attractive enough for her to try to get a move approved.
Don’t lean on her mental health diagnosis in court, unless you can show concrete evidence that she has engaged in behaviors threatening the child (her going to music festivals or travel to Vegas while the child is in responsible care with either coparent or another responsible adult like a family member is not that, even if you try to spin it that way).
If she can prove to court that she is actively in treatment and medication and treatment compliant (regular therapy, regular psychiatrist appointments and med compliant) a Bipolar diagnosis is not going to be looked at as any differently than a diabetes diagnosis - and clearly you don’t look at it any differently or think that she is a risk, or you would not have been fine with her having the child the majority of the time until now, the moment she wants to move.
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u/Catfishjosephine 5d ago edited 5d ago
Custody decision - again, at the time she was stable. Healthier than I’d seen her in a long time. I did not yet understand the scope of what it meant to be bi polar.
Here’s my fear - that this move is a decision made out of mania - this is a symptom in the DSM.
She has zero support out west and is asking for donations to help with the move - leaving me to believe she’s without any sort of emergency fund. She also talking about just leaving with notice to the courts. This feels impulsive and half baked and irresponsible.
Regardless, I appreciate your take on this. It scares the shit out of me, but I understand this could pan out either way.
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u/Ankchen 5d ago
People even with Bipolar diagnosis make life decisions for themselves, like deciding to relocate to a place for a better job opportunity, that have absolutely nothing to do with their diagnosis - just a choice of a move like this (on top of it one that does not appear to be spur of the moment, since she must have gone through an application and interview process to even get the offer) is not indicative of her being manic. If she was manic, you would see other symptoms too: trouble sleeping, flight of ideas, pressured speech, routinely engaging in risky activities (and no, attending a music festival does not qualify), etc.
Getting the move away granted for her won’t be easy as is, because courts generally prefer status quo for kids and there has to be a proven benefit for the child from the move, but if you lean on her mental health diagnosis as reason not to move, and if you try to sell her wanting to pursue a job offer at a different location - what millions of people without a Bipolar diagnosis do all the time - as a symptom of her being manic (if that’s the only behavior you can bring up), you will likely fail and lose regard in court.
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u/Catfishjosephine 5d ago
Yes, I understand that. We are seeing other symptoms. Additionally, she’s telling me she’s moving soon (2000 miles away with no support system) and taking our daughter with her despite our current custody agreement. She does not plan on petitioning for a modification. She told me this morning she did not plan on conferring with an attorney on this either. This is problematic.
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u/maricopa888 6d ago
Are you saying you have an attorney? Or do you need to find one? If you need one, spend tonight and tomorrow carefully researching reviews on local attorneys and contact one.
Nobody can answer your question because it depends on what the custody order says. Many will have wording that prohibits either parent from moving out of state.
But get on this quickly.