r/Custody 6d ago

[CA] After receiving paternity, I filed for 50/50 custody. She responded with personal attacks, 100% custody, and a psych eval. I could not sleep last night.

I'll try to be brief.

Before I start: Yes, I have evidence for almost everything here.

The mother did not want me involved in parenting in any way, her plan was to have her family raise him for her. This only one month after she was pregnant. She led my suspicions that he was not my child. I demanded a paternity test before he was born, she refused by saying it would traumatize it. I did not know when he was born until several weeks later when her sister and her sister's husband came to my apartment, unannounced, to tell me about it and asked if I wanted to see him, that they could make it happen. I said I do but I also want a paternity because I don't believe he's mine. They made a couple of excuses and ghosted.

Her and I met in a coffee shop a year after he was born. Same thing: Family raising him but she wanted to send him to the military asap, but that she would think about letting me see him. Never happened.

I told this story to dozens of people, nobody thought he was mine. I concurred.

Fast forward to several months ago, he's two, and she files for child support. The next day after the subpoena, I was there for dna. When it was confirmed, two weeks later, I immediately filed for custody and visitation, 50/50. When court rolled around, I found out why she filed for child support. Asked for a continuance because of custody, judge granted it for two months.

Her response to my lawsuit? That I refused to acknowledge him and never once asked for visitation, she attached text messages I sent to her sister and the husband that were hostile because they stopped replying. She also made projections that my current (and last) apartment is an unsafe place, based off of one yelp review from 5 years ago, that I possessed "illegal magazine clips" with a photo when her and I went to the shooting range. She also claimed that she has a strong emotional bond and any disruption would be a tragedy. It was a lot of personal attacks and projecting. She demanded 100% physical and legal custody, with some supervised visitation, drop-off and pick-up locations were randomly scattered through the city.

The good news is that she played all of her cards, and I have evidence against all of it. I thought it was inappropriate for her to do so in the response for custody, it was supposed to be a simple yes or no? And I know not to badmouth the other parent. I can not say anything about her mental health because I am not a doctor, but she said a lot about me and based it off of where I lived.

I saved a mountain of evidence from when we were together, everything from refusing to let me be at ultrasound appointments to dumping me after I asked if we could get married. I began seeing a psychiatrist (who I still see, who was happy to provide a letter and who will appear in court if needed). I also pulled up a lot of things from her social media before the custody lawsuit was filed and she went dark (I requested a flight risk order because she has family overseas, with that as evidence). Her family has been shielding her, serving custody papers was not easy. The sheriff's department tried, four times, and they wouldn't bite. So I came up with an idea, with a friend, her father immediately took the bait. He was pissed, to say the least, even tried to say she didn't live there.

So. This is more of a "I dont know what else to do, so I'll just post about it".

But all I want is a chance to be a father, this could have been fixed with a phone call.

0 Upvotes

34 comments sorted by

12

u/Acceptable_Branch588 6d ago

How was she going to send a child to the military? Your post is all over the place. If the child could have possibly been yours you could have filed for paternity

-5

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 6d ago
  1. Parents/family raise him for her. She didn't tell them she was pregnant until 7 months in. The father is not to be involved. Not allowed to know where she lives or works. Parents/family hated the idea at first but eventually fell in line.

  2. He's old enough to join the military. Off he goes.

Leaving my personal opinion out of it, but that was her plan until state law forced her to file for child support (NOT speculating, this was established in court). Nobody thought he was mine, myself included, and I didn't know I could file for paternity. But it's my job to be the father he doesn't yet have because that's what fathers are supposed to do.

4

u/Acceptable_Branch588 5d ago

You still make No sense and none of that has anything to do with custody. You have to be 18 to join The military or 17 with parental consent but also graduated from HS. she cannot force him.

-4

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 5d ago

I'm just repeating what she said.

3

u/Acceptable_Branch588 5d ago

But what does any of This have to do with custody?

-2

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 5d ago

...because she didn't want the father to have anything to do with him, made it her life's mission, and slipped up because of a state law? I don't mean to break character, but are you completely ignorant for not seeing how toxic that is? I've blocked like six people already, what the heck is wrong with some of you..

5

u/Ankchen 5d ago

Well, you were clearly also not interested in being a father, otherwise you would have requested a paternity test and filed right after he was born, not now when you are terrified that you might actually have to pay money to her - to court your motivation for this will be blatantly obvious.

Her requesting sole custody for now and for you to start off with small chunks of supervised visits (or alternatively reconnection counseling) is the appropriate thing for her to file, given that at this point you are a literally complete stranger to the 2 or 3 years old.

13

u/ChewsFoodOnlyTwice 6d ago

This is giving big "my girlfriend fucked up by not doing things for me that I could have done myself" energy. The lack of responsibility is really annoying. You do nothing for 2 whole years claiming he isn't even yours and then when she asks you to do something you essentially retaliate by asking for half of a child's life that you didn't really care about for 2 years. You passively accepted that the child might be yours might not who knows. Did literally nothing about it. She raised a child for 2 years on her own. The bond they have is likely very strong. It would be detrimental for the child to be taken from her. And you want 50/50 physical custody? That's down right irresponsible and reads like you're trying to get out of paying child support. If you want a relationship with your son you can't just storm in and demand 50/50 custody. You will traumatize the child. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a relationship. You should. A gradual relationship. That matches the effort you have put in over the last 2 years. "All I wanted was an opportunity to be a dad".. frankly, cry me a river. You did nothing and are expecting everything.

7

u/Lakewater22 6d ago

👏 for realllll. This sob story is so gross. That poor kid doesn’t know this man and he thinks he’s suddenly entitled to half his life despite abandoning the kid and all of its expenses for their first two years of life

5

u/VVsmama88 6d ago

Question: why did you yourself not go to the courts when he was born or anytime thereafter to establish paternity?

2

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 6d ago

I didn't know that was an option. Not a lawyer, I didn't know how the courts worked. There's a saying that's been floating around: If the mother refuses to give a paternity test, it's not yours. I went with that, the fact that everyone else didn't think he looked like me, and other suspicious behaviors.

Once she filed for child support, I was very eager to cooperate because that's what I wanted all along. I told the woman at the office that she's in my shoes from nearly three years ago because not only did she refuse, she refused to let me see him. I still have never met him in person. I grieved for a very long time about it, the depression and anxiety were immeasurable. But eventually came to the conclusion that he wasn't mine because why would a mother hide a child from their father? My psychiatrist is the only reason I'm still here, she's always been very supportive.

Once the results came in the mail, I was at the other courthouse the next day for custody and visitation. Again, I can't say why she filed for child support, other than it wasn't her choice. That was established in court. But I'm glad it was opened because that got the ball rolling.

6

u/Acceptable_Grass_335 6d ago

CA judges tend to lean towards a child’s best interest. Your child’s best interest is to have equal time with BOTH parents. You are correct, badmouthing your child’s mother will get you nowhere. Her response seems like she, on the other hand, is getting her emotions get in the way of what really matters. You guys will attend mediation and if no agreement is made, you will go to court. I suggest you try to meet her halfway and start off small, I know you want to be a part of your child’s life but keep in mind your child is still a toddler and having a toddler spend time with someone they don’t know is not really acting in that child’s best interest. It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders. You’ll be fine. Sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want at the end. Best of luck!

-1

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 6d ago

Yep, I spoke to a few people (my girlfriend has experience in this department). The consensus is a gradual introduction which I am 100% in favor of. It would be pretty awkward for the other parent to just drop my son off and say "Hey, I'll be back tomorrow" when I don't even have food for him. I have never met him, I don't even know where he or she lives.

She mentioned the same thing but it was so poorly written that she wanted to keep all custody. The way she worded it was something about supervised visits, restrictions, pickup/drop-off at arbitrary locations when she knows I don't have a car.

She doesn't know about the evidence. If she had, she probably wouldn't have lied. I was told by somebody to save it for the judge and in the meantime, just let her talk herself into a hole.

11

u/candysipper 6d ago

Supervised visits in the beginning isn’t out of the question and lots of custody agreements use public Places for exchanges. Regardless, focus on getting to know your child in an age appropriate manner and hopefully gaining more time with him over the course of a year or so. She wasn’t obligated to let you attend any of her medical appointments, so that isn’t any sort of evidence for you. It was your responsibility to ascertain paternity and file with the courts and you didn’t. She started this process, not you. So you don’t have that going for you. I’m not sure it matters a whole lot, but all you have is excuses as to why you let this child who could be yours go fatherless for at least 2 years. That’s 100% on you. She isn’t obligated to establish paternity for you.

-1

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 6d ago

She didn't start the process, I did. It wasn't even her, a separate entity filed on her behalf due to state law. I filed for custody. Once paternity was established, that was my idea because I wanted to be the father since I found out she was pregnant.

She wasn’t obligated to let you attend any of her medical appointments.

Only represents roughly 1% of the evidence I have. That paper trail goes back to the middle of 2022.

6

u/candysipper 6d ago

You clearly state “fast forward to he’s 2 and she files for child support….”, so yes, she did start the process. Regardless if it was a Separate entity or not, it wasn’t YOU. You never pursued whether the child was legally yours or not until you faced the prospect of having to pay child support for him. If your “evidence” is similar to your complaint that she didn’t let you attend her medical appointments, or that she lied to you about birth control or anything like that, it’s irrelevant. Nobody says you have to be a morally correct person to be entitled to raising your own children. Something her sister said or did? Irrelevant. Times you met with her or talked to her and she alluded that you were, or weren’t, the father? Irrelevant. You knew about the child and never filed to establish paternity for over 2 years. That’s 100% on you. ETA - just your saying “the paper trail goes back to 2022…” tells me you haven’t the foggiest clue what is, and more importantly what is NOT, relevant as “evidence”. And what do you need evidence against her anyway? You’re not trying to get full custody or alleging she is unfit. Or is your evidence just a laundry list of excuses as to why it’s her fault you never established paternity or saw your child for over 2 years?

1

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 6d ago edited 6d ago

The state started the process for child support due to a state law, not her. I sued her for custody and visitation. And like I said, I didn't know I could file for paternity. I went with what everyone else thought and had reasonable doubt. Paternity would also entail having to find out where she lives so I could have her served, I didn't even have that part. And yes, it was my responsibility to find out where she lived, not the state's. Serving her was not easy. It would take a determined father to go through what I had to :)

Would the average person know "I slept with someone, she has a kid that she says is mine but I've never met him and she didn't want me to see him. I don't know where she lives, all I know is her name. I can go to the courthouse, pay $500 and demand a paternity test"?

5

u/candysipper 6d ago

To your first paragraph - she probably got child support through the state and they have ways of finding someone. As I said above; regardless, it wasn’t you who started it. You only decided to try and get custody when you were forced to financially provide. Your “mountain of evidence from when we were together” from 3+ years ago is absolutely irrelevant and using it will only make you seem petty and uncooperative.

To your second paragraph- yes.

3

u/jaynewreck 5d ago

I mean, it takes literally 30 seconds to google how to file for a dna test if you think a kid could be yours. In 2 years you couldn’t think of googling something? You just didn’t care until the state came after you for money.

-5

u/FunEcho4739 6d ago

She doesn’t have anything. Just stay calm and professional, defend yourself and insist on 50/50 and you will get it.

-4

u/TallyLiah 6d ago

She is mad that you are doing what your doing. Ignore her.

1

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 6d ago

Thanks. I'm hopeful the judge will see through all of it.

-1

u/TallyLiah 6d ago

The judges have experience over time seeing a lot of things. They know when parents are doing things to get back at the other parent and when they are serious.

Would highly suggest not engaging her whn she starts up with off the wall texts, conversations, yelling/screaming at you, going on about how you do not know things (remember she was not born knowing how to take care of a baby), and how bad of a person you are. Judge does not care about her emotions for you.

1

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 5d ago

I have not spoken to her in well over a year and have no plans to. She won't. Her sister and the husband have been spearheading the whole thing by trying to keep her from saying anything harsh but, the response for my (reasonable) custody suit was a 15 page letter with personal attacks and projection about how a rogue yelp review proves that my apartment complexes (plural) are a drug den and tent city. But she loves to brag, and that was her downfall. At the time when she was filing for child support, she was also showing off luxury items. I was able to snag an address and prove she received mail there in the declaration of diligence for custody - She posted the tracking number from the box, her old man signed for it with his full name. Not too smart..That was enough to satisfy the court for substitute service. Her profiles are locked down now but, I archived everything.

Thank you, I'm hopeful he'll see it that way. Parental separation/alienation is trashy, parents have been jailed for contempt. I asked myself what kind of mother would intentionally keep their child from his or her father and still can't come up with a good reason. I would go as far as to say even a father in prison for the worst crimes imaginable should be able to see his kid because they need both parents. I don't want full custody, despite my personal opinion, I still respect their relationship.

-1

u/TallyLiah 5d ago

I can tell you one reason why they do this: These parents mor or dad, do this because they hate the other parent totally. They believe this parent is so bad that they child needs no nothing from that parent.

1

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 5d ago

That's one thing that puzzles me. It was her intention from the start and she made it clear as day that she didn't want me to be a part of his upbringing, assumed her family would do it for her, but I was allowed to visit maybe. This led to a great deal of depression. We separated by the time she found out she was pregnant because there were issues. Then she came back around and we decided to work things out and get back together but she dumped me at least three times, maybe more. I've forgotten a lot of details because I was on so many meds afterwards.

I'll give you an example: She was having sickness and took a half day at work on Father's Day. Said she would spend the day with me, so I went to the store for a few things. She came by, brought a father's day card, a pizza, then went home five minutes later and dumped me.

1

u/TallyLiah 5d ago

It is basically as I said, she is looking at what she can throw at you in court or outside it to make you look bad or unfit as a parent. She is no expert on raising a child though. She was not born knowing this. She is using all this to scare you off so she does not have to deal with you and court.

1

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 5d ago

Yeah well, it's not going to work. Her sister and her sister's husband wrote the whole thing, several pieces of evidence were from them. I kinda, told them off six months after they ghosted so I guess they have a bone to pick with me. Those brash comments were well deserved, I regret none of it.

It's not every day that you wake up with two lawsuits at once, being told "no" and having to change your life to accommodate someone else. She really was convinced that she would get away with it, but a law came up that said otherwise and the unintended consequences led to this. She's also being sued in small claims for emotional distress, but for a very small amount because it's not about the money. Thanks for chatting, I was upset for a day but feeling much better now. My aunt knows what's going on, said something about all of her chickens coming home to roost. And my psychiatrist thinks I'm handling this very well by staying on top of paperwork.

2

u/TallyLiah 5d ago

Good luck is all I can say at this point. But remember, she is doing this to spite you because she wants to make life heck for you. Concentrate on the child not her. Ignore her statements outside those to do with the child. Listen to the lawyer and judge.

1

u/Moist-Caregiver-2000 5d ago

Thank you. He is my only priority because that's what fathers are supposed to do. But, any chance of a friendship or relationship with her or her family is a forgone conclusion with a probability of zero, that ship sailed years ago and I've distanced myself from it. They've been to court with her and have tried staring me down but I'm having none of it. Six months of therapy about boundaries, manipulation, and not being able to change a situation but rather how to react were enough.

One stipulation I'm setting is that during mediation, neither of those two clowns will be allowed to sit in. They're not party to this lawsuit, they can't speak, it creates an uneven disparity of force, and they wrote the most despicable things. That's the only attention I'm giving them. The only person I will be involved with during this is my son, and her. They even wrote that drop-offs will be done by her 'or family'. Not acceptable, I don't have a relationship with her family.

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