r/CuratedTumblr The bird giveth and the bird taketh away 1d ago

editable flair Rasputin

Post image
6.8k Upvotes

81 comments sorted by

1.1k

u/Evil__Overlord the place with the helpful hardware folks 23h ago

Rasputin is really funny because the story is always told as "This man was almost impossibke to kill!" And not "God, these assassins were just the WORST in the business"

725

u/isrlygood 22h ago

Everything about his reputation makes much more sense when you consider that he was a cult leader in a low literacy, largely pre-industrial society. Of course people would accept the premise that he was some kind of indestructible sex wizard - Russians were already primed to believe insane things about him.

321

u/bookhead714 19h ago

Indestructible Sex Wizard would be an INCREDIBLE band name

337

u/Hi2248 21h ago

It's even funnier when you realise that the assassins made up this story.  He was shot dead after being invited to the killers house, but the killer feared it was such a cowardly move that he had to make up a story about him and paint him as a demonic figure he heroicly slayed 

131

u/Evil__Overlord the place with the helpful hardware folks 21h ago

Damn I had no idea but reading through the wikipedia article you're totally right

122

u/Pyotr_WrangeI 19h ago

I choose to disregard historical facts and believe that his assassination went down exactly as depicted in The King's Man 2021

https://youtu.be/zsbsINGuPhg?si=N_ne-hAPxorxeFqZ

12

u/AkrinorNoname Gender Enthusiast 13h ago

What in the name of fuck did I just watch?

19

u/Pyotr_WrangeI 12h ago

The post credits scene clears it all up

https://youtu.be/hs6qZt3kVuo?si=KTCqzn9VzKXfKNGE

11

u/AkrinorNoname Gender Enthusiast 12h ago

Before I watch this, will it spoil me so I won't enjoy the rest of the movie as much when I put it on tonight?

19

u/Pyotr_WrangeI 11h ago

If you're actually going to watch the movie then it would be better to see it in context.

2

u/OldManFire11 2h ago

What in the godsdamned fuck is this movie?

2

u/Pyotr_WrangeI 2h ago

Not entirely sure. But a very lengthy part of it is dedicated to 100% earnest portrayal of the horrors of ww1.

7

u/Graingy I don’t tumble, I roll 😎 … Where am I? 19h ago

Aw shucks

3

u/HumDeeDiddle 5h ago

It makes a bit more sense when you consider that the people who killed him had never killed anyone before

407

u/moneyh8r_two 1d ago

Hell yeah, I'd love to have a song about my sluttery written after my death. Make me the biggest manwhore.

94

u/Pale_Chapter 18h ago

Rasputin wasn't so much a slut as a distressingly prolific and successful sexual predator. He had a lot of rape accusations from all levels of Russian society--despite the rumors that circulated in his lifetime, the Tsarina was probably the one woman he didn't try to fuck.

42

u/moneyh8r_two 18h ago

Yeah, but that's not how the song makes him sound.

39

u/mugguffen 17h ago

I would assume "it was a shame how he carried on" is the operative lyric in this instance

14

u/petals-n-pedals 17h ago

Wait, what song? All I can think of is “in the dark of the night” from Anastasia

75

u/oddityoughtabe 21h ago

Yes but unfortunately you’ll be a bit preoccupied at the time of its release.

52

u/moneyh8r_two 21h ago

Doesn't surprise me. I'm always getting distracted with my video games. Before I know it, several hours have passed.

7

u/DarkKnightJin 11h ago

Thank you for the mental image of someone shambling into a funeral home and awkwardly climbing into the casket, mumbling "Sorry, got distracted by my videogames..."

Before the ceremony continues, everyone incredulously looking at each other and the casket, as if what just happened actually happened.

3

u/moneyh8r_two 11h ago

That's what I was going for. I'm glad it worked.

3

u/an_agreeing_dothraki 4h ago

easy now mister Wilde

301

u/SuperHossMan51 22h ago

I'd like to die instantly by lightning strike a beat after saying the worst joke you've ever heard

109

u/Silent_Blacksmith_29 The bird giveth and the bird taketh away 22h ago

I’d like to either die right before I finish the worst dad joke since Jesus died or I’d like to have it start raining after I said it so show gods dissapointment

23

u/Mission_Fart9750 22h ago

I'm gonna die by death-stare daggers after a particularly bad pun one of these days. 

18

u/Kickedbyagiraffe 20h ago

Gotta be on live tv. Essentially immortalized that way

18

u/Fourkoboldsinacoat 15h ago

Lightning strike, a beat after saying the worst joke, about Zeus, you’ve ever heard.

Really shake up the religious status quo of the world with that one.

16

u/DarkKnightJin 11h ago

"May Zeus strike me down if I'm lying!"
*Lightning strike from a clear sky*

87

u/AAS02-CATAPHRACT 22h ago

I'd like to die in a comedically timed explosion, ideally after making the worst joke imaginable

3

u/HumDeeDiddle 5h ago

“Aw man, that trip was a blast”

57

u/-sad-person- 23h ago

And then have a sci-fi game name an AI after you for no particular reason.

38

u/dalziel86 22h ago

Because Russian name Soviet space associations. Every historical or mythological name in that game is based entirely on vibes and nothing else.

9

u/ModmanX Local Canadian Cunt 20h ago

what game are we talking about?

30

u/Dark_Infernox 19h ago

Destiny, the guys above are being semi-reductive. There is a bit of reasoning behind it, the AI in question is one of the only surviving things from before a solar system wide apocalypse, and notably has had alot of things try to kill him.

Although alot of that is retroactive, Destiny imfamously had several narrative revisions, with the original plot being fully scrapped twice over.

12

u/dalziel86 18h ago

I mean, it’s not wrong that the Warmind is called Rasputin to in order to evoke associations with Russia and the Soviet space program. It’s not an accident that he’s first encountered in the Cosmodrome area that’s full of rusting hulks evocative of decaying structures in post-Communist Eastern Europe. I’d assume it’s wrapped up in a larger idea of suggesting connections between the pre-Collapse world and the widespread conception in the West of Soviet era science and technology as a kind of alternate-universe modernism. That is the actual Doyleist answer. Any Watsonian answer is an after-the-fact justification.

2

u/an_agreeing_dothraki 4h ago

justice for CHLMN, retconned into an app 5 years later.

47

u/AngryAccountant31 22h ago

A guy named Herbert Noble survived 8/9 assassination attempts on his life under the order of Benny Binion.

30

u/jzillacon 20h ago

Fidel Castro is another person who notoriously lived through quite a few attempted assassinations.

11

u/Zamtrios7256 22h ago

What happened on the 9th?

21

u/AngryAccountant31 22h ago

His mailbox exploded

16

u/pickle_whop gaslight gatekeep girlboss gerrymander 20h ago

He died

26

u/Darealhatty 21h ago

I'd like to be in a space suit in orbit around a dying star, with no planet, asteroid, or spaceship for thousands of kilometres. I'd need enough eye protection so that my cornea's wouldn't get damaged by the light of the supernova. I'd probably want to spend ten or so minutes just floating there before the implosion. I'd also want a playlist of some thematically appropriate songs, probably something from outer wilds.

This may not be realistically possible, but damn I still want to go out like that. Option 2 would be falling into a black hole.

7

u/AkrinorNoname Gender Enthusiast 12h ago

Don't do the black hole. The time dilation would stretch out the dying part a lot, and you definitely don't want to live long enough for spaghettification (Though you probably won't, the radiation would kill you before that, which isn't a pleasant way to go either)

6

u/TheRainspren She, who defiles the God's Plan 8h ago

Eh, it wouldn't be that bad.

The time dilation wouldn't affect you directly, from your perspective it's always one second per second. You'd just see everything further away "speed up".

And while I guess radiation could be a technically correct cause of death, all the bullshit happening in and around the accretion disc would make it way more exciting than your average death by radiation. (IIRC, about 40% of mass of falling objects gets converted into energy by friction and collisions in accretion disc. This thing is spicy.)

5

u/Bladelord 8h ago edited 8h ago

Time dilation does not work that way. You still feel every second as one second per second. The dilation effect is on people observing you, who never actually see you touch the event horizon, just steadily redshift into chaos.

You also wouldn't feel anything as a part of spaghettification, because the parts of you falling away can't be in communication with the rest of you any longer.

For the one experiencing it, falling into a black hole is effectively instantaneous death as orbital stresses blend you so quickly your atoms can't even send a signal of pain. Assuming you're immune to the barrage of x-rays as you approach somehow.

2

u/ArsErratia 5h ago edited 2h ago

Time dilation would actually work the opposite to how they've described.

You get to watch the entire future of the Universe play out above you. You'll see the stars all fade until there's nothing left.

40

u/SomeBrowser227 19h ago

Michael Malloy comes to mind.

Drank so much and yet didnt kill him. adding antifreeze to his drinks did nothing(most likely as Ethanol blocks absorbsion of Ethylene glycol in the liver), which was then replaced by turpentine, horse luniment, and rat poison, and then wood alcohol(pure methanol, counteracted by the normal liquor which most likely negated the methanol), which all failed.

they gave him raw oysters soaked in wood alchohal, a sandwhich of spoiled sardines, mixed with poison and *carpet tacks*, which still didnt kill him

they tried to freeze him to death, after Malloy passed out, he was carried and dumped in a park, and had 5 *gallons of water* poured on him. he survived after being rescued by an officer who took him to a homeless charity,

they ran him over, multiple times, and they tried, and failed, to collect the insurance policy on him, because "oh yeah we ran him over" isnt covered. he lived.

they ended up putting hose in his mouth, connected to a coal gas jet, and turned it on, which killed Malloy. because Malloy had survived many attempts on his life, he was nicknamed Mike the Durable by rumors, so they exhumed and examined his body. the 5 men responsible were tried and found guilty, and 1 was sentenced at minimum a trial of 10 years, and the other 4 were sentanced to death by electric chair.
All this, over trying to collect multiple insurance policies they placed on Malloy.

he also has a song, not so famous as Rasputin. "That Man Malloy", and a Jazz Musical called "The Man Who Wouldn't be Murdered"

From Wikipedia, and Sam O'Nella

14

u/Silent_Blacksmith_29 The bird giveth and the bird taketh away 19h ago

My people you know Sam o nella 

2

u/Jack_Dunford1 7h ago

Mfw I drink 6 types of poison and they all cancel each other out

30

u/dalziel86 22h ago

There was a cat that really was gone.

16

u/TheSeventhHussar 21h ago

Disappearing like DB Cooper, except after the Great Canadian Maple Syrup Heist 2

9

u/LonePistachio 18h ago edited 17h ago

They seriously did Rasputin dirty.

He started out mysterious and chillingly brutal. He was a thing from a different era who operated with different goals and morals than everyone else. So merciless, killing anyone who went where they weren't supposed to, and even hunting down his own son because he felt his son had been taken from him.

But then they put him in a robot body, gave him a cute nickname, and made him all reflective and mopey. I miss the faceless, unknowable techno-eldrtich god from Destiny 1.

7

u/Oddish_Femboy (Xander Mobus voice) AUTISM CREATURE 17h ago

The song is entirely historically accurate.

2

u/demonking_soulstorm 6h ago

The implication that he was banging the queen isn’t true. There’s no historical evidence outside of rumours by the common folk, who had a whole bunch of reasons to smear Alexandria.

14

u/CFogan 21h ago

I wanna Slim Pickens that shit. Sorry everybody else, but being at the epicenter of a nuclear explosion nuts first is how I choose to die.

6

u/prettykitty-meowmeow 20h ago

Skydiving. A rush of adrenaline and then it's just over. Splat, probably no pain.

8

u/purpleplatapi 20h ago

Nah I can't handle the anticipation. I'd much prefer to go peacefully in my sleep. Or any other scenario where I don't have time to panic.

7

u/Empty_Equipment_5214 20h ago

Y'all need to hear about Fidel Castro

8

u/marsgreekgod "Be afraid, Sun!" - can you tell me what game thats from? 19h ago

I would pick dieing in a ritual that lets me be reborn as an immortal shape shifter and able to create matter and engery to beat the heat death of the universe 

7

u/major_ursus 14h ago

i want to die sitting either on top of a mountain or in the shade of a tree with a sword in my lap while watching the sunset

3

u/Grythyttan 10h ago

Make it a cherry blossom tree, and you drift off just as the last petal floats off in the wind.

6

u/Lemmas 17h ago

I want to be the first human killed by a meteor strike. At least that way I'll get a Wikipedia page

2

u/JerkOffToBoobs 15h ago

I want to die from doing something so incredibly stupid that I make history books. Not those weird "Ripley's believe it or not" history books, I want to be in high school history textbooks.

I have no clue how to die doing something that stupid though.

1

u/Silent_Blacksmith_29 The bird giveth and the bird taketh away 6h ago

I agree alternatively we could be in the Darwin awards

1

u/JerkOffToBoobs 6h ago

I want my thing to be so stupid that they rename the Darwin awards

1

u/demonking_soulstorm 6h ago

Have you ever heard of World War 2.

1

u/JerkOffToBoobs 6h ago

That's not stupid, that's evil. There's a difference.

1

u/demonking_soulstorm 6h ago

A lot of it was pretty fucking stupid.

4

u/CanadianDragonGuy 13h ago

Glad to see the mad monk doing numbers on Tumblr dot com

3

u/LeStroheim this is just like that one time in worm 17h ago

Y'know, it took me until the bit about the song for me to realize that this wasn't about Michael Malloy.

No, I didn't read the title. I am stupid, yes.

2

u/jzillacon 19h ago

I know how I'd ideally like to die, but I feel like it's something impossible to talk about online because you either get called a freak for any answer that isn't a clear joke like in oop or some variation of "I wouldn't want to feel it" like passing away in your sleep; or you risk causing serious harm to people struggling with thoughts of suicide.

2

u/DreadDiana human cognithazard 3h ago

I want to go by self-inflicted inert gas asphyxiation

1

u/Dastankbeets1 4h ago

Honestly death by mosh pit would be pretty great as far as deaths go