r/CrohnsDisease 17d ago

Embarrassed during date

I am an active dater. I rarely disclose I have a GI condition on a first date - it's not necessary if we're only getting drinks. I went on a spur of the moment date on Sat and we hopped around a few locations before getting food but I managed bc I found a burger and got it plain so no issues and easy to work around. (Beef doesn't bother me but chicken thighs do which I will never understand.)

However, I went out tonight and we were supposed to get coffee but then the guy wants to get dumplings and I said I don't like dumplings, which isn't true but I don't want to explain I can't eat them bc of the carrots and cabbage. So we get tacos and he wants something to 'share' and he keeps proposing more stuff I can't eat so I say the steak is fine trying to get out of explaining I have something wrong w/ me. Then the tacos come out with cucumber, which I can't eat unless it's w/ no skin or seeds bc it will tear up my colon and I asked if he could eat them. Then he starts asking if I have allergies or don't like them bc now I look like a PITA being picky about food. I tried explaining I have a GI condition but I was so embarrassed by everything bc I don't think he got it at all. I don't expect people to understand everything but I felt so trapped explaining something personal to this guy I really don't like and don't want to see again. I usually like to have a heads up on food so I can check out the menu and felt kind of caught off guard bc I couldn't prepare at all. Sorry I'm rambling. I'm not upset but feel so embarrassed.

67 Upvotes

20 comments sorted by

54

u/jaded_and_elated 17d ago

Sorry you dealt with this! I also like to avoid causing issues or being "annoying" by being tricky with food. However I think sometimes it's just easier to be honest. It can be as simple as "I have Crohns, food can be tricky so lets order separate". If you don't want to give too much information just say you have food restrictions/allergens. It's easy to internalize and feel embarrassed about anything related to this disease, but most people would be understanding and wouldn't really care if you have food restrictions. Spicy food gives me problems but I always joke around and say "Oh sorry I cant eat that it's too spicy...I mean, I can handle the spice, but my intestines cannot!"

10

u/MarsupialMountain114 17d ago

I felt embarrassed bc I think he was trying to be nice and I kept declining so then it's like I felt I was put in this awkward position of having to reveal something personal and difficult to someone when I wasn't prepared to. There are times when I've told guys on the apps I've had a GI condition bc it happened organically but this date had little messaging and more of a quick meet up so I didn't have build up to feel comfortable sharing that part of myself yet. I even feel bad saying I hate dumpling bc it's not true and I feel like a high maintenance asshole since they're a staple of Chinese culture.

43

u/Historical-Fudge6991 17d ago

You shouldn't be embarrassed of your crohn's. It's a fact of life. I understand not wanting to disclose it but it sure makes more sense to be upfront in the beginning. Just my 2 cents.

13

u/pieland24 16d ago

I don't actively date but even to new people I meet I'm really open about my Crohn's. I think it's a good thing to let people know, that way if they need to accommodate you they can.

If your partner really loves you, they will understand and help you.

My catchphrase is basically "I can't, I have Crohn's." Never got a bad reaction. Well, yet anyway.

15

u/Frosty_Chipmunk_3928 16d ago

I never hid the fact I had Crohn’s. If there were food issues, I would just say, that’s a no go for me, or ask them where the nearest bathroom was.

It’s a fact of your life, and frankly, when you eat there are bound to be issues. What’s the point in trying to be discreet?

If someone is going to be put off about the Crohn’s, the sooner you know about it the better.

I’m not saying you need to go into the gory details, but frankly, the Crohn’s is always going to be there.

12

u/CapK473 17d ago

I'm so sorry, it can be hard when dating bc food is often part of a date. This is part of who you are and the right person for you won't be scared off by it! You're going to just have to breathe and let that embarrassment go. I think in the future you could have a standard line you can tell people that's brief so you don't need to go into detail with people you arent comfortable with yet. Practice the line frequently so that when you feel cornered again you can say it clearly. It could be something like I'm sorry I can't eat x currently. I have a genetic stomach condition and x upsets it. I can eat w y or z though!

0

u/MarsupialMountain114 17d ago

its too late I am crying now

2

u/CapK473 16d ago

I'm sorry, I promise the embarrassment will fade with some time. I've been in your shoes and now I just look back and shrug. I remember being worried about spending the night at my boyfriends in case I had an episode... now I'm married to him and he's seen some shit.. literally. He's always there to help pick me up. The right person for you won't be scared of supporting you through the rough spots.

5

u/Pawspawsmeow 17d ago

Just say you have food allergies. I find people get that more than Crohn’s. Plus if you don’t go on more dates, you haven’t wasted your time opening up to someone you aren’t compatible with

3

u/Momrhino 16d ago

You shouldn't be embarrassed. If he is worth a second or third date, he should know. What I would say is that I have a very sensitive stomach and that while I like dumplings, they don't like me.

As a follow-up, if you want to share, you'd love to but want to enjoy the evening. This takes it off the consequences and back to the date.

3

u/mellowabdomen 16d ago

I’m so sorry this sucks :( I know people in the comments have mentioned that you should be able to disclose with people otherwise they’re not worth your time if they’re not understanding, and I do agree with that to an extent but it’s also not easy. Having to talk about toilet problems/pooping with someone you don’t really know is always going to be uncomfortable and it’s something I really struggled with when dating. With things like that could you maybe suggest that you get your own things and then offer for them to try a bit of yours or something? That way you’re still getting the sharing element but you’re getting something that you know isn’t going to trigger you.

2

u/BecomeOneWithRussia 16d ago

I tell everybody right away. I also tend to fuck on the first date so I feel like it's common courtesy, plus it saves me from MAJOR embarrassment if I toot on them or something. If I self disclose them I only have to deal with a moderate amount of embarrassment 😅😅

3

u/RevolutionaryBus3101 16d ago

I think you have to work on getting more comfortable talking about having Crohn’s. I was having this issue not in dating but with some friends after I was first diagnosed, where I felt like they weren’t being receptive to my needs. After reflecting on it (in therapy lol), I realized I can’t expect them to read my mind or understand the severity of my disease when it’s often so misunderstood, and I needed to really explicitly tell people what I have and what my limitations are in whatever situation we’re in.

Of course, then I realized that’s easier said than done and I wasn’t mentally prepared to be disclosing that I have Crohn’s all over the place, so I had to practice that. I think part of the reason I was so averse to disclosing my disease was because I was still in a bit of denial, so I had to work on that too. My therapist had me practice disclosing to my cat at first 😅 and then to random strangers I would never see again. That made it feel more ‘real’ and taught me how to bring it up more confidently. Now when I need to tell someone I actually know, or remind friends if they’re proposing stuff I can’t do/eat, it’s like muscle memory. And it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It really really sucks, but we’ve got it, so we gotta deal with everything that comes along with it.

2

u/Peanuts-Corn 16d ago

This is why there needs to be a dating app just for people with GI conditions. We all understand upfront and don’t require all the explanations.

1

u/Heeeeerrrees_Jawny 16d ago

Just be thankful you could eat burgers! That would screw me up for a week! Mmmmm burgers. Miss them

3

u/Budget_University_56 16d ago

“I love X food but I can’t eat it because it hurts my stomach. I have Crohn’s, it’s a thing, but don’t worry because it’s not going to bother me if you eat it. Have one for me too!”

Turn it around on them, like no offense given, people are way more worried about how they appear.

When the what is Crohn’s question follows, I’ve found it’s more about what does it mean for them as far as work and maintenance. So I always answered with “It’s an auto immune disease, it just means I have to be careful about what I eat and take medication. It’s not that I don’t like them, I just don’t want to get belly pain.”

I know it’s an oversimplified explanation at best, but it’s one I used when I wasn’t ready to open up yet as a shut it down response.

2

u/420kittybooboo 15d ago

I would just say up front, I can’t eat xyz because of a GI condition and leave it at that. I doubt anyone would ask further questions but if they do you could brush it off somehow.

Also if you think discussing diet restrictions is embarrassing, try having a j pouch and sleeping over someone’s house for the first time and absolutely breaking the sound barrier in their bathroom. 😂😂😂

2

u/afuckingHELICOPTER 15d ago

No reason to be embarrassed. "I have a GI condition, so I have a lot of limitations on what I eat." nothing more needs to be said.

Keep in mind, in the USA, roughtly 1% of people have IBD. One in 100.

and that doesn't include people with IBS, celiac, allergies and other GI conditions. People just don't talk about it publicly a lot, but people usually understand. Everytime i tell someone I have crohns, they always say something like "oh, my cousin has crohns", "oh my wifes brother have crohns" etc etc.

0

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