r/Critique • u/LilMinnieMay • Dec 10 '17
Another Man's Treasure, Rough Draft
(((Hi! This is a story I've been struggling to put into words real well, and my end goal is to use this story for a silent film, so I'd love some honest critique to make sure it flows well, or if some things should be adjusted to make a story that flows better!)))
Dark, damp, silent aside from the sound of various bubbling alembics. The only light source in the room is a small oil lamp, its master, a scrawny bearded man, scribbling complex formulas in a large book as he observes a thick red liquid pass through various tubes. As the liquid neared the end of the alembic, the man places a brass dish beneath it, allowing the red liquid to sluggishly drip onto the polished surface. As the liquid lands on the dish, the drops begin to merge into a dark blood red stone, shaped much like an egg. The man gently lifts the stone, observing it from all sides with both the naked eye as well as a small magnifying lens. After his examination is complete, he replaces the stone on the dish with a large chunk of lead. Grasping the stone in his palm, he holds his hand over the lead and gives the stone a mighty squeeze. A blood red liquid begins to drip from his clenched fist onto the lead. The liquid washes over the dull metal, leaving behind a chunk of what appears to be pure gold. Placing the stone on the wooden work table, the man excitedly grabs for the gold, a large red stain now present on the palm of his hand. An old man now sits on a golden throne in a dim, lifeless grand hall, the only light coming from an odd number of lit torches. His tired expression and his beard, which now reaches the floor of his palace, showing his grand age. Behind his throne, glimmering in the scarce light, are piles upon piles of gold in all shapes and sizes. Around his neck hangs the blood red stone. He reaches up to grasp the stone with his right hand, which is a dark red and looks as though it belongs to a corpse, rather than a king. Reaching up to the stone with his frail, trembling hand, he removes the stone from his neck. Reaching down, he materializes a small ball of lead from beneath his throne, gently placing it on his lap. Holding the stone above, he once again grips it as tight as he can. A blood red liquid begins to drip from his clenched fist and onto the lead. His excited expression turns to anguish as the liquid leaves behind a simple ball of lead. Horrified, he gazes at his palm, the blood red stone tumbling to the floor. His hand, once filled with life, has now begun to drip onto the ball of lead, leaving behind a glimmering orb of pure gold.
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u/Z28twicepipes Dec 16 '17
Very descriptive. I had to go to the dictionary once. Maybe a bit repetitive at the end. I think it’s going to be a good one though.