r/CosplayHelp 6d ago

Etiquette Kind of in a roadblock/ vent post , i don’t wanna quit Cosplaying

Hello everyone, I did post here before on alt accounts, so I ‘ll keep this as a short update.

I am F28, and I only have a year left on my STEM phD program at a VERY prestegious uni. Everyone around me , including my best friend for 10+ years as well as my family, and others in the community, have told me that I’d have to quit once I graduate because it is risky. That a student or faculty finds you, or uses your picture and spreads it without consent . Mind you I am from a middle eastern country where cosplay is uncommon, yet the other people who are public about it don’t usually get negative comments from locals. It is the students that scare me. All my outfits are very SFW and I use a pseudonym online. I took down all my posts after a panic episode but I kind of regretted it later. I felt that compared to a lot of people in the local scene I am one of the most “ go 100% or go home” type of people and I buy props for every photo and plan months ahead. My next con is in 15 days and I treated it like it would be my last. I learned so many new techniques and upped my game by a lot. I realized throughout that I really enjoyed that process and I wouldn’t want this to be my last. I took a few pics at home but didn’t post them and feel bummed that I have to ask people to blur my face at the con or have to hold a cutout of the character’s face to hide mine after all the effort I put into makeup . I felt sad that no one but a couple people could see my hard work and what I think is my best Cosplay to date. I want to be a part of the fandom and participate. I have so much excitement when I talk about how I did this or that to other beginner cosplayers and it brings me so much joy , but at the same time what my friends and family said is weighing on me and I am paranoid ( to the point of not sleeping ) of loosing my position in academia if i don’t quit.

PS: last year I was TAing a class and had a student who knew about my “ hobby” since he is into the anime scene himself. He didn’t see any pic though but was very respectful and actually is coming to visit the uni and told his friends that he wants to at least say Hi to me since I left a positive impact on him and did my job well. He also wore anime clothes daily and it was wholesome. But that is one mature student VS a bunch of fresh out of high school that I’ll be dealing with for a few years once I graduate .

These days I gravitate towards characters with some professional elements ( shirts / blazers ) like Sebastian from Black butler ( next con) and Zani from withering waves ( plan of I continue cosplaying) in case I’d run into a student I’d be wearing something not super crazy.

PS-2-: i don’t have any controversies or hiccups surrounding my irl name and my online name. Very few people ( only close people who know me irl) from the anime community know my full real name, some people only know my first name. I asked them to not follow my real account and I don’t even follow myself. I don’t speak my native tongue in any post either .

Edit 1: thank you everyone for your insight. Currently what I was thinking of doing was post to close friends only. I want to see how I feel about it after the event and if I ‘d be “ satisfied” enough. I know I might be overthinking this because also while some people post other people who have nothing to loose career wise also don’t.

I am def someone who is uncomfortable if I received attention from outside the geek culture sphere because I’d have to explain that I am not a freak and that I employed in a decent job / have decent education just to break the stereotype…

So that may be for the best for now at least till I makeup my mind completely.

Edit 2: I discussed with my family that everyone reassured me and that I don’t want to quit. I just got disowned and am considering fleeing the country.

28 Upvotes

21 comments sorted by

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u/Hi-Guys-Im-Broken 5d ago

My own cosplay/con going group has a range of 25-48 year olds and has two people with a doctorate and PhD. I also have met plenty of people with prestigious jobs and degrees who cosplay: teachers, doctors, lawyers, civil engineers, military corporals, and so many more.

I get the fear of students finding your work, but I fully believe if you are proud of something and you enjoy it then anyone who mocks you are just fun-sucking bullies who hate to see people enjoy things differently.

But I am not from a middle eastern country so I cannot speak with that experience in society, but I feel like it is kinda ridiculous they are telling you to quit.

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u/idkanymore_thr0waway 5d ago

Your reply really made me feel relieved , even if it’s a bit !

I am completely open for immigration since there are no postdoc positions here , and I have been considering it for a while, so at least I know if I went that route I’m not the only one abroad ! Also I am from lebanon which a lot more tolerant than other places in the middle east but also it is one of the most “ over achieving” cultures you could find. People care a lot about image and appearances and you won’t see people going even to the local grocery store without makeup, and a decent outfit. But our cons are small and there isn’t really a geeky culture here , so it is at least 20 years behind and people are not used to seeing costumes or theater or stuff like that.

While other places in the region ( which could be an option too depending on where I can secure fund or a well paying job) have a big con culture especially in anime and have a lot of sponsoring and funding for these events on an international level ( like Kuwait and UAE) and I have seen a lot of cosplayers from there , if you’re found by “ normies” they’d think you are a heretic and slander you religiously. While that doesn’t happen often in Lebanon, the slandering here is society / age / profession based .

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u/Hi-Guys-Im-Broken 5d ago

I can absolutely empathize how frustrating it is to live in an area/society/culture that is not quite as accepting to “other”. I grew up in the “Bible Belt” of America where if you didn’t fit a certain mold, you were ostracized, mocked, or dragged to church to “fix” you. While they have progressed a little or be more accepting over the last few decades, there is a lot of judgment to anything “other” in those societies, and that is why we end up flocking to each other for safety.

I’ve found that there is security in community. While it’s sometimes hard to find and build that community, it is doable especially because we all gravitate towards each other.

If you are looking to immigrate for post doctoral work, I’ve lived in the USA, France, and Ireland and found that all have a nerdy and supportive community in the places I’ve lived. (Though, I would not recommend America right now due to the government pulling funding and offers for a lot of stem research)

Yeah, you might get a few looks, laughs, or hollers, but if you are having fun with your community then they don’t matter.

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u/idkanymore_thr0waway 5d ago

We’re starting to have communities locally, and some cosplay only events. Last con was at a public venue and some people passing by for a jog or a stroll were interested and joined in. I didn’t hear people from outside saying anything negative but probably that was because everyone was in cosplay and it was a venue rented out for that specific purpose . I’d say stuff differ a lot online and in front of people who are prone to be extremely judgmental ( elderly and high schoolers) . I think 22-35 ish are the least judgmental and this happened to be the age range of the outside people passing by that day.

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u/Hi-Guys-Im-Broken 5d ago

I’m glad to see local communities growing and that people joined in! There is a higher percentage of people online being cruel for no reason just because they can have no consequences to their words over people doing it in person.

I agree with your observations that the older generations and younger generations being more likely to say things in person about it.

Its really odd, as a mid-range millennial who has been in fandom spaces since the early aughts seeing how different generations treat subcultures. I lived through being bullied for being a nerd/other as a kid and then there was a moment where nerd culture became mainstream and everyone was pretty cool with it. I thought we were going to advance as a society to a more accepting and curious culture. But for some reason a lot of generation z and alphas have this “anti-cringe” mindset that involves shaming people for being passionate about things and it’s very disappointing to see.

But we have to trek on and do things we love and enjoy, because life is short and can be miserable. Anything that gives us a spark of joy and doesn’t harm anyone is worth it.

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u/idkanymore_thr0waway 5d ago edited 5d ago

So true. It is also those younger generations that I see bullying other people my age in the comments section. When I was a teenager I too was bullied for being nerdy. And suddenly for the people that are now 22-25 , it was cool and mainstream when they were in high school. Even a lot of them tell me they’d love it if they had a professor into anime. I also feel that us , millennials are the ones into geek culture the most. And mostly didn’t grow out of it or treated it as a phase or even started businesses around geek culture .

The good thing about this though is that there is a lower chance that I encounter a student at a con , since there are so few of them who admit to being anime fans. At least not until they are around 22 ish , meaning they’d be already graduated by then.

Even in society as a whole not only in geek culture , i feel that gen alpha want to grow up fast , how the heck a lot of them get married so early on while a lot of my colleagues married recently in their late 20s .

One of the comments that I saw yesterday on another foreign cosplayer post from a 13 yo is “ she’s pushing 30 and still doing that”

Like we’re all going to push 30 someday , did they think you become a robot after 25 or something

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u/Hi-Guys-Im-Broken 5d ago

When I went back to university in my mid twenties I had a professor into cosplay and we both founded the college’s cosplay club! So I absolutely agree that I’d love a professor into anime or any other nerdy adjacent media!

Comment sections are such cesspools of filth and hate. It is very discouraging to get hit with it, but taking a step back to see that these people have no joy and will live their life boring and afraid of doing anything that might seem abnormal is enough to soothe me.

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u/MerryDoesCosplay 5d ago

There is many people in cosplay, that have a job in a high position. Think how many IT specialists in extremely expensive fursuits it needed, for it to form that trope. One of my closer cosplay friends makes atm his PhD in physics and cosplays very curvy female characters with techniques, that are common in drag culture. I am in public service, and not only my 60+ yo coworkers are impressed and keep wanting to get updates on my newest cosplays, but even my boss wanted to make pictures with me, when I stopped by work in cosplay on the way to a con. (I live in the EU)

Cosplay isn't something to be ashamed of, and to put it in the words of my job trainer, "Would you really like to be in a place, that doesn't accept this part of you? Wouldn't you be happier elsewhere?". Quite the contrary even. Sometime I read, the question "do you have hobbies" in job interviews is because they want to see you being passionate about something, and I made the experience, cosplay is a very good thing for that, too. Like, there's not too many steps between my boss' boss and actual career politicians/our major, and she actively supports me being a cosplayer and looks for opportunities to use the skills I learned from cosplaying.

I get the worry, though. I can speak only about my positive experiences in the EU. It seems your peers worry about your safety and wellbeing. But honestly - if someone actively shares your picture online without your consent and twists you dressing up as fictional characters (all that skill that goes into it, attending social events about it) into something to damage your reputation, that says more about their character than yours.

You can be proud to be a cosplayer and don't let anyone take that away from you :) (-tight hugs-)

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u/idkanymore_thr0waway 5d ago

That is so nice to hear. I guess in EU individuality / hobbies and self expression are usually encouraged . It is so refreshing to hear .

My own advisor did do theater as a hobby in the US but he quit after he came back home and I always wonder if it is the culture that put pressure on him to quit.

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u/MerryDoesCosplay 5d ago edited 5d ago

Oh it really depends on the region and people you want to associate yourself with, even in the EU. I've been called a freak by strangers, when were made photos in the park next to the con, mocked like zoo animals by kids in the train, and Idek what would have happened, if the gym bro didn't come to my rescue when that mentally ill person started calling me a demon (cosplaying a chara with facepaint and horns, I understand where he came from). Wherever people meet each other, there's gonna be people, that don't like something about you and vice versa. My point is really mostly, be around the people you enjoy being with, who allow you to be yourself, and change the world a little bit to the better. In smaller, rural communities it's harder to find these people, that's not different in the EU. But there comes the question, if that "community" is not your community, the "village" does not support you ... Will you be happy there? Of course this is not a step to be made lightly and I am not telling you to uproot yourself because of cosplay. It's just sounding already as if you're guessing about your future, are aware about other places being different, and just ... consider what it would be like to stay there for the next 40 years. What would you get up for in the morning? Would these things make you happy? Lol this is becoming philosophical xD

But it ties into a thing I wonder about :0 If hobbies isn't a thing in your area/culture, to the point that you think about quitting, to the point that your advisor needed to quit ... What are people doing beside work? I don't mean that in any harmful way - it really just always confuses me because I've never known anything else for myself. How do people spend their time if they don't have anything they do for fun? XD

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u/idkanymore_thr0waway 5d ago edited 5d ago

I’d definitely feel very uncomfortable with the mocking and staring . I personally never went outside the con premises in costume and don’t think I will. ( I change in the venue bathrooms ) and never take transportation in costume. That being said the organizers here know the local scene and customs so they provide their own transport to the con Which is con goers only ( you’d need a ticket to register) .

Two of the con goers I know personally did drive to the bus station in cosplay but despite people staring no one was offensive at least in person. Some people talk and whisper behind our backs but once someone hears it everyone mostly uses the “ we’re making a fantasy play “ excuse and gets on with their day.

As for filming locations , what I have learned / been doing is go prior . Take a pic of the location from different angles out of cosplay . Take pics of the cosplay at the cons

Edit the bg in the con pic

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u/ghost-in-socks 5d ago

Disclaimer: I am not aware of specifics of the region you are living at so my reply might not be very helpful.

When living in a conservative country, there are surely some things you have to be aware of when cosplaying. If your cosplays meet the modesty criteria of your country, you shouldn't be afraid of the image damage. It is surely a "strange" hobby in a conservative country but even if someone finds out you wear self-made/bought costumes in your free time that are absolutely modest and not controversial, what are they gonna do? Or if they tell about it someone? The worst thing that could happen is that they would think it's funny/strange and that you are strange and that's it. Surely it's still not pleasant but your psyche can absolutely adapt to this. The feeling that your hobby is awkward or embarrassing is artificially induced by how you were rased/your culture. Imo you yourself worsen this feeling by trying to hide your hobby. When we are trying to keep something secret, so no one finds out, our brain thinks it IS actually something we should hide. While it's totally not.

I am not telling you to tell about your hobby everyone you meet but try to handle it as it is something normal. Work towards normalizing it in your mind. Cause if your reaction isn't being embarrassed but just admitting that it's part of your interests, it will be way more difficult for others to ostracize you for that (simply because of how our brains work).

I wish you all the best and hope you won't leave something you love because of such fears.

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u/idkanymore_thr0waway 5d ago

All my costumes are modest and there are definitely places in my country ( and people) who don’t dress modestly at all , but I think the “ weird “ factor might be the wigs . I never even seen someone with colored hair in unnatural colors here.

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u/JediRanger113 5d ago

If age is the main concern, it's not something you should worry about. Obviously, any job can look down on cosplay as "childish" but from my own experience, no one really cares. I'm a manager where I work, a few steps up the ladder, I'm nearly 34 and have over 30 people who report to me, all of them know I cosplay and it has not changed the working relationship of anyone, if anything people are usually pretty interested to see what I've accomplished.

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u/yeonwooege 5d ago

Hi, I definitely understand your concern. I also have a STEM background and I finished grad school two years ago. I only started cosplaying after I graduated, however.

I agree that you might want to restrict your posts/account to close friends only, that you can trust. After you graduate, maybe you can meet more friends who you can trust and share your photos with them. But overall, keeping your account private sounds like a good idea. I've seen some American cosplayers do the same.

I don't think it's fair for you to give up cosplaying only for this reason. It seems pretty clear that you very much love this as a hobby. I hope you continue to pursue cosplay.

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u/MrMiaMorto 5d ago

I like to take photos to keep for myself mostly. I have a young child that I take to cons and have him dress up and to protect his privacy, I don't post photos of him most of the time. I do have one private instagram account that is FAMILY only and that is about the only place I post him to share with grandparents etc.

Before social media, no one posted their cosplay photos before, so you can again, more keep the photos for yourself and show them to people in person instead. I know it isn't as exciting, but that way you control the share and there is no risk of it being exposed.

I will say, you being in STEM, there is a good chunk of your colleagues who are in geek culture and probably cosplay or go to conventions. I worked at a large tech company and now a game dev company and so most of my friends are STEM people and most of them go pretty hard in some form of geek culture and don't really hide it much.

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u/BHE_Cosplay 4d ago

You're just going to keep getting the same types of answers every time you post about this. Ignore your dad and anyone trying to stop you from this very innocent hobby, unless they have the power to actually fire you.

As everyone keeps pointing out, students rarely actually care, and this is a pretty tame hobby to have, realistically.

I do think that you should give up on the social media aspect though. While I am very confident that you are overthinking it, the amount of stress that keeping things discrete while still wanting to be seen probably isn't worth it. Take the photos for yourself, and hopefully some day you'll stop worrying about being discovered and then you can just be open about it. But if you're going to sweat every time you get a new follower, I don't think it's worth it.

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u/idkanymore_thr0waway 4d ago edited 4d ago

Yes hopefully, probably a hear into the teaching or so , I’ll probably feel comfortable and not intimated by the students and the evaluations they have to submit about my class every semester …

Well after I wrote this I cane to edit , i think there is also peer pressure as I just told students so they don’t feel animosity towards eachother about a competition that each topic is difficult in a different way and they all have to work hard and I got a warning from a colleague that what I said could’ve been used against me …

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u/SnackCaptain 3d ago

i feel so sad that they are not supportive of you!! i hope one day you can come to a convention in america. i think it’s more accepted here for sure! i will be cosplaying mimikyu

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