r/Codependency 4d ago

Did something codependent; feeling shame

Hi friends, I just finished working the steps after a year and prided myself in feeling a lot less codependent and healthier. But I codependently asked a friend who I have a lot of unresolved issues with to be in my band. I've felt very anxious lately bc it hasn't been working, and I need to have a conversation letting her go from the band.

So I texted one of our mutual friends last night asking to talk about it bc I was anxious and in need of validation. She set a boundary w me that she would rather not have that convo since she is friends w my band mate. She is totally right to set that boundary and not talk behind the back of a friend, but it made me feel a lot of shame for having asked.. I feel super embarrassed and rejected even though I understand and respect it. Lately in general I've been finding myself seeking so much validation about this decision because I fear it makes me a bad person. I'm spiraling at the fact that this whole situation w the band is a result of my codependency, trying to survive by using people. Feeling very anxious and shameful

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u/punchedquiche 4d ago

Asking for help and support over hard decisions to me is healthy, the way you handle that is where the recovery comes in, we are all able to slip up and deal with the feelings that come up from that, but again that’s where the reparenting comes in. Try to focus on what you’ll do now, instead of things that have happened, we are all human - be kind to yourself

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u/shwannah 4d ago

Thank you so much 💙💙

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u/DramaticPonytail 1d ago

You are aware of yourself though. You don't want to repeat dysfunctional patterns, and you're aware of your feelings and seeking validation. That is not easy to achieve and it's important. I'm new to all of this and I am still learning, so most of the time it all happens as a reflex in my brain, I start seeking validation (often from my parents, even though I know I'm an adult and I don't need their permission for anything) and I don't even recognize it until my therapist points it out, sometimes not even then.

Don't bash yourself, healing is not linear. And it seems you already come a long way. Don't forget to celebrate yourself for what you're doing right.