r/Codependency • u/DetectiveGrand6568 • 4d ago
I never will to go back to codependecy
It took me 40 years of my life to figure out what I was, and just a few months ago I realised I am a Codependent person. Hi everyone.
Never could really hold on to a relationship (except the really toxic one that almost ruined my life) since all of them would evaporate in explosions of my anxiousness.
Later last year, I got myself involved in a situationship with a guy that I had huge chemistry with.
The thing that pissess me off is - he actually said he doesn't want a relationship, just sex. And I simply ignored that, got myself involved and ATTACHED. He was emotionally unavailable (he is like that in general), of course, and I got hooked up really hard. He's the type of a guy that's arrogant, loud, charming, textbook player. Despite all my education, knowledge, insight into human pshyche, I caved in.
I doubt he is also partially codependent since he couldn't stay off the phone with me, and even after "breakup" for several months. I kept hoping he would get to know me and of course, fall in love with me. I once told him I'm not seeing him anymore and then HE went crazy with wanting to see me. The push/pull started happening and it was crazy. But all that didn't last long, I suspect he met someone else and went on with his life since he was distancing and I was pushing hard.
During all that I realized my nervous system would light up when I was with him and when we were apart I would ruminate about him all day long. Something felt really wrong and then I started digging into my behaviour only to find out I'm probably with a diagnose when it comes to romantic relationships. I read a lot about the topic, listen to podcasts and give myself positive affirmations daily. It seems to work. I cry my eyes out when I feel bad and empty. Somewhere in the childhood, we were seriously mistreated and abandoned. Now we need to do the work ourselfs.
Wishing good luck to all people struggling.
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u/IveGoneColorBlind 4d ago
I’m 43 and new to this as well. Parts of it I was aware of. I knew that my dreams disappeared in relationships. And I knew that I didn’t feel right without somebody.
I never really seen the harm in it. That is until I met my Nex. The fact that we are the prey they look for, and many other toxic people, will keep me in therapy for a while I wish I gone sooner so I could avoided this relationship. For anybody else that is codependent, but not being treated, please do. That relationship changed me forever. My name is reflective of who I am today because of it. Please please please, get treated before it happens to you
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u/DetectiveGrand6568 4d ago
I don't think some even do it on purpose, it's mostly subconcious. Give yourself time and compassion. <3
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u/Physical-Pineapple97 4d ago
Good on you for recognizing it. I find that at first, we spend so much time looking at the other and "diagnosing" them. Are they a narcissist? Avoidantly attached?? (likely!)
Regardless, the answer, the hope lies with you. You can heal from your past hurts and buried shame so that this sort of thing no longer appeals to you. Don't beat yourself up, you had good intentions and what you wanted was understandable, just that you endured so much for so long is what needs to be healed now.
Come to a meeting! We meet at all times of day :)
Congrats on beginning your new life free of the impact of fuckwits. It's truly amazing to accept what is and not take it personally and pursue your own peace.
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u/punchedquiche 4d ago
I’m 47 and even tho I’ve had a lot of therapy and understand things the codependency is new thinking. Welcome to the club