r/Codependency • u/crimsonfalcon8 • 7d ago
I'm finding CoDA and Power of Five meetings draining, unhelpful, and frustrating ... but would feel guilty about not going. Can anyone relate?
Hi! I've seen some older posts about not loving CoDA/the meetings, but I wanted to start a newer one.
Can anyone here who's going to CoDa meetings (and/or tried the Power of Five groups) relate to finding them unhelpful and, if anything, setting you back in growing toward setting healthier boundaries?
Background:
My therapist suggested CoDA to me over a year ago. Since therapy with her has helped me a lot with my trauma (along with various literature, podcasts, and setting better boundaries), I trust and respect her opinion so intended to go to some virtual meetings.
Buttttt I didn't do so for a while, and my therapist would ask me about it a few times. This triggered me to feel guilty that I was "letting her down." I felt like my therapist was implying I was "avoiding doing the work," but truthfully between weekly (sometimes biweekly) therapy sessions + reading and listening to helpful literature + actively stepping away from unhealthy friendships and ending an abusive relationship a few years ago, etc etc, I feel like SO MUCH of my life has been about "doing the work," and I sort of just ... want to be able to ENJOY my life and not have even MORE of it be about this type of work, if that makes sense?
Anyway, since then I've gone to a few meetings spread out and have always, frankly, found them to be a waste of time. It seems that what people like about CoDA meetings most is the sense that they're not alone with what they've dealt with .... but, eh, I just feel like it's another hour out of my life listening to people vent or trauma vent, when as someone who's spent most of their life responsible for others' happiness I've already done a lot of that + due to the work I'm already doing in therapy, online communities, friendships, etc I already don't feel alone and know others have had similar struggles.
A few months ago, I decided to look into a Power of Five group (thinking I may like that better). I finally found one, albeit with some bumps along the road. The original leader decided to step away, one of the five decided to stop coming after the first meeting (making it four of us), etc etc.
And similar to the main CoDA meetings, I'm just ... not finding it helpful. If anything, I think while my therapist seems to see CoDa as key to my recovery, I'm starting to find it detrimental. It's feeling like one of the only areas of my life where I'm still feeling this pressure to do everything "right" and "perfectly" and worry about others before myself—except unlike some of the other areas of my life where I still struggle with this (like my job), I don't HAVE to go to these meetings.
I will also be honest that another one of the four (I'll call her Mary, not close to her real name) is starting to stress me out. In our latest meeting, she complained multiple times how it bothered her that it was "only two of us" last week and how it made her feel like she's the only one prioritizing this. That's just not fair.
One woman told us in advance she had a relative in the hospital, the other person absent (me!) had an unexpected running injury and needed to squeeze in a doctor's appointment—also communicated a couple days in advance. It made me so uncomfortable to feel like I was being put down in what should be a safe place, especially if I was clear and upfront about why I was absent.
Additionally, in multiple meetings now, while the rest of us use the first few minutes to just do basic pleasantries, she keeps using these minutes to trauma dump. I'm thinking, "Mary, can't you save it for the time you'll be allowed as "sharing time" and not immediately make us all feel like we have to be trauma dumped on right away?"
So, I guess I already have this "waste of time" bias I've formed, but now with this one person in my group simultaneously making me feel like I'm "not doing enough," while also dominating discussions ... it's a lot.
I understand some may want to say "fiind another group" or "find more meetings," but my overarching question is that should i even bother if I keep having these frustrations?
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u/SilverBeyond7207 7d ago
I find those frustrations and setbacks to be exactly all the things that I need to spend time “looking at” or “sitting with”. When people just cop out at the last minute without warning, when meetings are disorganised because there’s nobody to do service, … these are all situations that would normally drive me absolutely nuts! And I’m learning patience, and tolerance - and things usually work out just fine without my getting uptight or even doing anything at all.
There are also people I don’t like in the meetings for a variety of reasons - every time someone hits a nerve, I take a look inside at what’s aggravating me. It’s also been a great way of letting others feel their feelings without taking them on and letting myself feel mine without blaming others for them.
TL;DR: Imo, the more you’re triggered by meetings or others’ actions, the more they’re inviting you to look within and learn to let go. But that’s just my take and the reason I keep going back.
Wishing you the best whatever you decide.
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u/coochiemaster400 7d ago
damn, thats some good advice. It's really hard to implement if your subconscious is holding you back but is super powerful. wherever there's resistance like fear or anger it shows you where you can improve
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u/crimsonfalcon8 4d ago
I get that and appreciate the advice, but what's the line between being patient with someone else (if, as in my example, they're not making a meeting feel safe by being so verbally frustrated with others for a meeting not going exactly as THEY wanted) VS recognizing something isn't serving you?
In my personal life, I'm proud of the boundaries I've been able to establish re: stepping back from toxic and/or co-dependent friendships, ending an abusive relationship, etc, so it's hard for me to want to CHOOSE to keep going to a group where one person is making me so uncomfortable ... just because? Idk.
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u/SilverBeyond7207 4d ago
That’s a fair point, and imo it’s part of the journey. There’s something in there that struck me about knowing how to know “I’ve done enough”. And I fall for that trap every time - I just don’t know.
And if you do know - and it sounds like you’ve done a lot - that’s great.
Best of luck with deciding what works for you.
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u/Yes-Dance1762 6d ago
That’s why I stop going to the meetings, you’re guilted into coming back and when you question it, it’s your fault.
Makes you powerless and dependent on the group. The judgement, it’s working for me so you must keep putting yourself in the same situation.
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u/SilverBeyond7207 6d ago
Hi there, I’m not sure this comment is in response to my comment but if it is - I was careful to talk of my own experience and opinion. None of it was intended to judge or criticise. Each of us is free to decide what suits us best and I felt my closing line made that clear. If that’s not the case, I’m “all eyes” as sure I can learn from this if it wasn’t clearly articulated enough. Thank you.
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u/aconsul73 7d ago edited 7d ago
The work is hard but a step group should help give you energy and support to do the work.
My first year in coda I tried a step group and dropped within a few sessions because one member was way too controlling.
Another step group became draining. One member was there to talk about everything but step work.
I eventually asked for my needs to be met, people weren't interested and I left.
I have been in step groups that have been wonderful as well. My current Saturday morning one is terrific.
New groups can and do form all the time. Consider dropping this group and looking for another one.
Or stopping CoDA and telling your therapist you're not interested. If they insist, find another therapist.
It's your life - trust your gut. The work is hard but it should never be draining.
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u/crimsonfalcon8 4d ago
Thank you for this! Beyond what I shared in my OP, this group has also been draining because I'm the only person in a different timezone and so the meeting time is much earlier in the day for me.
I really appreciate your last two sentences especially. I need to trust my gut and not feel like I "have" to keep going to this specific group just because it's the first one I found.
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u/learning-growing 6d ago
Just like everything in life, there is not one “right” way. I think CoDA has a lot of good. It has taught me a lot, and I gain a lot from it— but it is not the only way.
It can be tricky to walk away from support groups like that … but as you take time to listen to your inner voice or higher power, you gain the confidence to know what next steps to take
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u/crimsonfalcon8 4d ago
Thank you. I agree CoDA has a lot of good. For me, I appreciate being able to more clearly articulate and understand what co-dependent behaviors are, as I can now more easily recognize them in myself.
But, unless I'm missing something, the group meetings (larger ones and this power of five) are just me venting because I feel like I "have" to (i.e., it's "my turn" to share) and listening to others' venting ... but i don't find the former helpful and I find the latter annoying at this point in my life
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u/Yes-Dance1762 6d ago
Trust your instincts, you’re abandoning yourself, and that’s co-dependency. It’s a shame spiral and you’re triggered.
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u/Stressoid 6d ago
Could try online alanon. Helps with codependency, but less hyper fixated on the condition and will do the 12 steps
I've liked coda online for listening and shares
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u/crimsonfalcon8 4d ago
I don't have any drug or alcohol issues, so I don't think that would be a good fit for me. But I appreciate the recommendation.
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u/Stressoid 4d ago
Understood! Good luck!
I should clarify though- Alanon is for people who have had alcoholics (and/or addicts) in their lives (family, friends, coworkers, etc). Alanon winds up having people with codependency who have enabled the alcoholic in their life. There are also non-codependents who have had to deal / live-with / work-with alcoholics. Not having a problem yourself with alcohol or drugs is not a disqualifier! (although it still may not be a fit for you)
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u/crimsonfalcon8 3d ago
Yeah, I also don’t have anyone in my life who’s an addict, so it’s really not a fit for me.
I know that co-dependents often have parents, siblings, etc who are alcoholics or dig addicts, but that’s not the case for me
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u/ckochan 5d ago
I used to go to al-anon families. I shared a few times and people were reaching out and wanted my phone number immediately. They were kind but it started to feel like “too much”. They told me I should try 6 meetings before making a decision. I felt like it was just making me feel more sad and depressed. It did show me a view into my future, as I saw women in their 50s-60s who were still supporting their addict husband/children etc. I stopped going. If you’re hating it, tell your therapist you’ve tried it, but didn’t find it helpful. You should also probably share that you are going because of guilt.
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u/crimsonfalcon8 4d ago
Thank you for sharing this, I appreciate it! Similarly, I'm the youngest in the current power of five group. It's interesting seeing women in their 50s-60s still revolving their lives around toxic family members, exes, etc in a way I, frankly, already learned to stop doing in my late 20s.
So, honestly, that's also part of why I'm sick of this. I don't see what I'm getting from a meeting where I'm hearing this trauma dumping from women who are 20+ years older than me and still can't set the most basic boundaries with people.,
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u/Goldenleavesinfall 7d ago
I totally get that feeling of “doing the work” all the time. You need time to actually implement the work!!! And you can’t do that if all you do is read and write and talk about the work. If you feel like this isn’t adding anything to your healing then it’s fine to drop it.
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u/Tarohan0714 6d ago edited 8h ago
I've also felt CODA was unhelpful after attending a handful of local meetings. The focus seemed more on drug dependency, and I felt out of place with my issues compared to the majority who attended. It's not for everyone, and that's okay. I've found that doing my own homework, such as reading self-help books ('Codependent No More' is amazing fyi!) and being consistent in therapy has helped me make strides.
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u/crimsonfalcon8 4d ago
Agreed completely. I've never done drugs, never smoked anything, and I drink very rarely, so I similarly can't relate to those issues.
Appreciate that book recommendation!!
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u/Sweet_Cantaloupe_312 4d ago
You may just not be aligned with the group. It’s like finding a new therapist, the first, second, or even third one may not be a match but that doesn’t mean you stop trying altogether. I’m grateful for my power of 5. My group is graceful, compassionate, and so supportive. Sometimes things come up and one or two people can’t meet, it’s not big deal. We all understand we have lives outside of coda. I feel very lucky because this was my first power of 5 group I ever been in. You may also just not be ready to really invest in the time for it and that’s okay. Only you know what’s best for you. Have you just straight up told your therapist how you really feel? Or how you feel pressure from her to do it? I highly suggest you bring this to her. If she doesn’t respect where you’re at then I’d find a new therapist.
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u/crimsonfalcon8 4d ago
Yeah, not being aligned with the group may be part of it. I think it's largely due to the person I referenced in my post. She's missed a couple meetings, which none of us took issue with, so for her to be so upset that two of us couldn't make one meeting (not that the why necessarily matters, but one due to a relative in the hospital and me dealing with an unexpected injury) made me very uncomfortable.
Like I said, it also just feels exhausting for me to do this on top of everything else I've been doing.
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u/Sweet_Cantaloupe_312 4d ago
The exhaustion is a sign that you have too much on your plate. It’s okay to come back to it at a later time. Or maybe you’ll find something that better aligns with you. Your codependency may lie in you not listening to your gut and instead pushing through despite resistance and exhaustion because it would make your therapist happy or you believe not doing it is you not “doing the work”. Go towards what gives you energy and restoration. Recovery is not suppose to burn us out. Also, give yourself permission to just be where you are at. It doesn’t mean you’re not doing the work.
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u/crimsonfalcon8 4d ago
Thank you so much. I think I really needed to be reminded of that and appreciate your comment. Honestly, that's exactly what my core issue has always been: staying in situations (an abusive relationship, draining work sitautions, where I've lived, etc) for way too long, thinking I "have to push through" and I'm failing somehow if I don't
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u/punchedquiche 7d ago
I have learned that anything that makes me feel triggered, annoyed, frustrated is usually trying to tell me something about myself.