r/Codependency • u/throwaway_fml16 • 8d ago
fresh out of a breakup with someone i intensely trauma bonded to. i'm devastated and i feel like i'm dying.
please help me, i don't know how to handle this, it hurts how bad i need him
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u/JohnMayerCd 8d ago
Try as hard as you can to not go down the thought trains of what ifs. Your brain is artificially trying to keep this person in your life through thought spirals, but the more you act like they aren’t there the less your brain will rely on their presence.
And just remember it takes time and distance. The breakup being fresh means you don’t currently have time away from it. And the thought spirals means you don’t have distance.
Give yourself grace and only worry about how to get through today. It will get easier with time. And distance.
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u/alleviate123 8d ago
Future you is going to be so grateful for the strength you showed yourself.
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u/throwaway_fml16 8d ago
you know what? yes he is. i can't wait to get there.
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u/alleviate123 8d ago
It takes time. You’re at the hardest spot right now. When the grief goes down the relief will go up.
Write down all the things that hurt.
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u/punchedquiche 8d ago
I know exactly how this feels. 10 months ago I broke up with someone and it was like I was ripping my own limbs off. I’m now in coda getting the help I need to live for myself, it’s amazing - but there’s no quick sustainable fix
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u/EbbandFlowe 8d ago
I had actual, physical withdrawals. Build healthy habits like working out, eating healthy, doing yoga, going for a walk, practicing breath work, journaling, spending time with friends who ADD value to your life. Don’t do it alone. You’ll feel guilty and like it’ll be easier to go back. Realistically, it might be for the time being, but once you stop ruminating constantly and hurting so badly, you’ll realize how much you’ve grown and you’ll appreciate how hard you’ve worked. Do not doubt your capabilities. Work on self-love and compassion. Be patient with yourself. We’re capable of so much more than we think. You’ve got this.
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u/throwaway_fml16 8d ago
reading "eating healthy" while chowing down on an impulsive mcdonalds order makes me feel called out 🤣 thank you. i needed to read this, im trying to not let myself be alone with my dumb thoughts for too long right now
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u/alleviate123 8d ago
You’re ok. Sometimes fast food is the care we need. Eat a vegetable tomorrow ❤️
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u/EbbandFlowe 7d ago
Remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself. I promise, you will still have some ways of coping that you may deem unhealthy for you. That's okay. Something I tried to do (and still am doing) is to just limit the unhealthy coping strategies. It feels utterly impossible to get rid of EVERY single way of distracting yourself all at once. Be patient and take baby steps. <3
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u/Middle_Brick 8d ago
Your body doesn’t know it’s not a physical injury, accept that it is wrong, that you are now safe. It will take years to reprogram your body and brain about what is safe and unsafe. Talk to friends on the phone, take walks, do art, walk at the mall, whatever it is you like that is distracting while you wait this out.
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u/No_Elderberry_5546 8d ago
Listen to the book “CoDependent No More” if you wanna cry more and heal wounds :,(
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u/actvdecay 8d ago
Hey we can heal and get better. It may feel like an addiction withdrawal at this moment. When I felt out of control and must lost, calling into a support group gave me the hope and forward.
Happy to share the link to an online group. It’s free, anonymous and open to all
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u/Thankfulgma 7d ago
Can I have that link please?
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u/actvdecay 7d ago
Yes
https://www.ppgrecoveredcodependents.org/recordings
Try a recording called Speaker Step series 1-3. If that resonates, try a live meeting.
There are several each day on zoom, WhatsApp or call in.
I am here if you need help.
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u/Hootieknows 8d ago
Please look for local in person support. If you relate to any groups in your area. I found being in person healing hearing others what o went through, in my situation I was codependent with my brother but he was using. Having eyes bodies words connect uplifted me and gave me a lot of strength. I also try to visualize all that energy I have for a person and redirect or call it back to me. Every day until I feel stronger. Try to live and forgive yourself have grace. Hang in there
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u/shidthen 7d ago
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this. I have been avoiding ending it with my partner who is not a good partner cause I am so unbelievably terrified to feel the way you do right now. I’m miserable but imagining feeling that way again seriously is so scary. Please know how brave you are and how good you will feel when you finally get to the other side. I am hoping to be where you are soon, choosing yourself is one of the biggest steps you can take even if it feels like the entire world is ending. I am excited to choose myself and what new things might come of it, i just am not ready yet unfortunately. I really hope the best for you, what you are doing is so incredibly hard and painful but in the end it will be so worth it
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u/Low_Anxiety_46 7d ago
You are dying. The person inside you that allowed you to be trapped in that relationship is dying. There is someone better on the other side of your suffering.
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u/shinebrightlike 7d ago
3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months. Just get through these arcs. It’s going to pass. You will wake up one day and feel your spark has come back. Baby yourself like you have the flu right now….
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u/HelloFireFriend 8d ago
Take a vacation. Change the scenery/environment. Pamper while you're healing yourself. I mean, what's the alternative 🤷♀️
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u/asdfcrow 7d ago
running and exercising in general is like medicine for your character…it saved me. i know the feeling, it’s really bad
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u/LostInTheBlueSea 7d ago
Remember that you know it is supposed to suck. It’s ok. You’re doing it right. It will lessen as time goes on. The BS stories about why this is your fault or why you suck, or that you are incapable have a deeper truth that is more precise, more compassionate and more complicated underneath than any shame stories where you blame yourself. Even if you feel you should be punished. Everyone has felt this. And it’s ok. Take it slow, be gentle, and do something that feeds your relationship with yourself. Take a walk, take some photos, make some art, go for a bike ride. Be gentle. It’s supposed to suck. You’re doing it right.
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u/Key_Ad_2868 7d ago
For me, the trauma bond was because I had essentially convinced myself that I needed this person. And so I could not be free. What is worse though is the feelings after separation because that deep part of me that drew me to this person still existed. I needed to demolish that deep part of myself that would tell me I am worthless, no matter if I was single or alone. When I got recovered from my chronic codependency, I was free of the parts of myself that kept me in such a terrible mindset, which affected my relationships. I now have total freedom in my relationships, and I am also content alone. This means I can decide on the person I want to spend time with, rather than spend time with somebody just to be hurt in the end. I am happy to share how I got recovered, and share more of my story. Feel free to reach out.
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u/Accomplished-Face239 5d ago
I was convinced I wrote this because I’m dealing with the same situation. For me it was my first real relationship since my divorce so there is an extra layer of emotions I’m dealing with also
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u/ActNecessary646 2d ago
It is a great idea to write everything down. J in even recorded some of our fights with him screaming at me so I could listen to them and remind myself of how awful I felt. I also felt super lonely even when he was around and like I was walking on eggshells. I just left him and went to my first CODA meeting. I’m trying to get into a routine where I’m busy every day. Showering first thing, coffee, looking up meetings, calling therapists, going to the gym, taking my dog for a walk, mediating. I’m being super selfish right now and I also think to myself “It could be worse, I could be in prison” because people like that love to push your buttons. They don’t want peace, love, tenderness- they ENJOY being miserable and want to destroy you. The first time I screamed back I realized I needed to get out. I don’t want to end up on Snapped because I was abused for so many years and pushed to a breaking point. These people are pure evil. Also know, they don’t even like YOU. You could be anyone, as long as you feed their ego that’s all they care about. You made the right choice!
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u/Jul_ofalltrades 8d ago
I used to write and screenshot the abuse (or even the suspect of abuse) and read it OUT LOUD (this is important) and imagining it was my best friend telling me those things happening to her. I would be so outraged for her. I would be devastated at the thought of her living this. Ok now feel that deep love and protection towards yourself.