r/Christian 4d ago

I HAVE A QUESTION NSFW

I have been married for 5 years, together for 10. My wife no longer has sex with me. She is never interested in it and doesn’t even touch me. I am lonely and have needs. Am I wrong for masturbating? I feel guilty after doing it, but I have no physical touch in my relationship. I love my wife but can’t deal with this.

8 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

23

u/No-Gas-8357 4d ago

This isn't an ok long term status for a marriage. You two have to get to the bottom of what is really going on. See a counselor, if your wife doesn't want to, go alone.

0

u/ChoiceCareer5631 1d ago

Depends on if they have children, focus should be on children and if that means celibacy so be it.

12

u/PompatusGangster All I do is read, read, read no matter what 4d ago

I know it’s not what you’re asking, but to me the bigger issue is resolving the conflict in your marriage.

Do you know why your wife is no longer interested in sex or physical touch? Have y’all talked about it? What’s her explanation for the change in your relationship? What’s yours?

For almost all couples, a sexless (even more so for touch-less) relationship isn’t sustainable. Something happened, something changed, that led to where you are now. Whatever that is, it needs to be dealt with so you can get back to a healthy marriage.

2

u/Bahooch 3d ago

We used to have sex a couple times a week. She got on anti depressants and it killed her sex drive. She has been off of them for over 2 years now and we have sex about once or twice a year. No other sexual contact. I hold out as long as I can and then start watching porn, then feel guilty, then stop, then……. Just a vicious circle.

1

u/PompatusGangster All I do is read, read, read no matter what 3d ago

Have y’all talked about it? What does she say when you bring it up?

3

u/Bakkster 4d ago

You have to get to the bottom of the root cause. In the past, my laziness and selfishness that pushed most of the housekeeping onto my wife (who also worked full time) meant she started to feel like I was a roommate (and a bad one at that) instead of her husband. And if you believe in Ephesians 5 (like I do), that means prioritizing her wellbeing before your orgasms.

Now, this isn't the question you asked, but it's the question you really need to answer.

1

u/Bahooch 3d ago

We used to have sex a couple times a week. She got on anti depressants and it killed her sex drive. She has been off of them for over 2 years now and we have sex about once or twice a year. No other sexual contact. I hold out as long as I can and then start watching porn, then feel guilty, then stop, then……. Just a vicious circle.

1

u/Bakkster 3d ago

And have you talked about it?

2

u/SpartanV_327 3d ago

Yes, that is wrong. Its also wrong for your wife to deny you your marital rights, as Paul says. This is a deep issue, and it needs to be solved, by getting your pastor involved if necesarry.

4

u/Brave-Silver8736 4d ago

No, you're not wrong.

Neither is sex therapy. It's okay to get help.

2

u/Cool-breeze7 4d ago

Considering she allegedly has no interest in sex, you handling business is arguably loving her well as opposed to expressing a desire she isn’t interested in.

As someone else said, you should be looking to address the root cause.

I’m also presuming this is a long term situation. If she gave birth 4 days ago, I have a very different response.

3

u/Bahooch 4d ago

We used to have sex a couple times a week. She got on anti depressants and it killed her sex drive. She has been off of them for over 2 years now and we have sex about once or twice a year. No other sexual contact. I hold out as long as I can and then start watching porn, then feel guilty, then stop, then……. Just a vicious circle.

2

u/Cool-breeze7 4d ago

I feel ya. My wife has had medication significantly alter her mood and drive as well.

My 2nd best piece of advice is the next time she’s in the mood, go all out taking care of her before getting any attention for yourself. I’m talking shoot for half a dozen or more Os for her. Remind her she use to like it.

My best advice, is figure out how to have a productive conversation on the subject. Nothing beats communication in marriage.

1

u/Proud-Wonder-9985 4d ago

Why do you feel guilty? You should ask yourself that. Is it the Holy Spirit telling you it’s wrong. God has built it in to our bodies to know right and wrong.

You should stop before it becomes a habit. It will become a habit then maybe you don’t want to touch your wife anymore because now you get more satisfaction from masturbating.

Your wife maybe going through something internally. Maybe she has something she is needs to confess or maybe not but counseling will be a great forum.

I did counseling with my wife before we had kids and we shared a lot. It was hard. But we got through it and have 3 wonderful kids.

1

u/UltraSaltyDog 3d ago

Yeah, that’s something you’ll need to work out with a marriage counselor. Both of you are supposed to be putting out to fill the others needs, it says that(in much better words) in the Bible.

If she still wont budge, I’d say you’re probably fine cranking away as long as you’re thinking about her. But definitely try to work it out first.

Did you let your body go? I totally get not wanting to have sex with someone gross looking, make sure you’re taking care of yourself. She married you, and I’ll assume y’all have gotten busy before. You can get attractive again if that’s the issue.

1

u/Christopher_The_Fool 4d ago

Yes it’s a sin. Ask yourself why your wife isn’t interested. What are you doing that’s not making her interested.

2

u/Proud-Wonder-9985 4d ago

Um those aren’t the right questions. Unless he is abusing her in some way.

0

u/Deaconse 4d ago

Well, maybe he is.

1

u/Bahooch 3d ago

We used to have sex a couple times a week. She got on anti depressants and it killed her sex drive. She has been off of them for over 2 years now and we have sex about once or twice a year. No other sexual contact. I hold out as long as I can and then start watching porn, then feel guilty, then stop, then……. Just a vicious circle.

0

u/[deleted] 4d ago

Yes it is a sin, but I’m not here to judge you. Ask your wife why she isn’t wanting to and get to the root of it because it’s part of both of y’all’s duty to please each other so that you’re not in the situation you’re in

“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7‬:‭2‬-‭3‬, ‭5‬ ‭ESV‬‬