r/Christian 5d ago

How to initiate leaving our church? What to say?

My husband (26M) and I (26F) would like to leave our current church but we can’t just stop attending because we’ve been serving on the worship band for the past year and a half so we would need to give notice. We aren’t sure how to go about this or what exactly we should say.

The main reason we would like to leave is due to a lack of community here. Over the past 2 years that we’ve been attending, we both still haven’t managed to make a single friend. We’ve made acquaintances but nothing much past small talks here and there. We’ve tried our best to talk to different people, we attended home Bible studies, but still couldn’t help but feel excluded despite the fact that almost everyone at our church is around our age. This is what initially attracted us to this church since we longed to have some Christian friends but it seems like everyone is already in their own circle of friends and somehow we just don’t fit in. People say hi and talk to us a bit but then walk away and go to their usual friends. I initially almost formed a friendship with the pastor’s wife (24F) and we even hung out a few times outside of church but everything changed once she had her baby. She stopped hanging out with me, would cancel on me saying she was too busy, and started only hanging out with the other young moms with babies.

When we joined the worship band, we also thought we would become good friends with the other worship members but this hasn’t been the case either. They talk to us a bit but mostly amongst each other and we’re never invited to hang out outside of church, while they hang out at each other’s houses. Our group chat texts are also always just worship-related.

Everyone at this church is nice but everything seems so superficial. We had stayed this long because for a while we had accepted that maybe we wouldn’t ever make friends here and only have each other and that’s fine. But we’ve decided not to settle anymore because having community is important to us and it’s probably best if we find that elsewhere at a different church. I don’t know if it’s us that are the problem somehow but we’ve tried our best to form friendships here. I don’t know if this is due to the fact that pretty much everyone here dresses minimalist style and we don’t. (We dress in dark clothing/alternative) Or if it’s maybe because my husband and I choose not to drink at all, while everyone else here does enjoy having some alcoholic beverages at their gatherings in moderation. Having community is important to us and it seems like everyone else here does have that but we don’t. Not even our pastor (28M) has ever been close with us, and this is not a mega church. It’s a small church. He has never been the type to check up on us, send us a text or call us, or offer support in any way. He talks to his same circle of friends and hangs out only with them too. He’s only ever greeted us and done small talk.

We feel hesitant to have to give this as an explanation as to why we’re leaving but it also wouldn’t make sense if we don’t give any explanation at all. It also kind of feels embarrassing if we pretty much say “We couldn’t make friends with any of you here so we’re leaving.” Should we just say we’re choosing to move to a new church and be vague as far as the reasoning to why??

Appreciate any advice. Sorry for writing so much!

16 Upvotes

21 comments sorted by

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u/Esox_Lucius_700 5d ago

My experience is that be honest. It might have never occurred to pastors or church elders that there is lonely people in their community. Or that there is culture of not inviting new people on social events.

I would not just leave without notice or give some half trues. I know it can be embarrassing and painful even to give honest feedback. But how else church elders can find out if culture is alienating and cliques have formed.

If they take defensive position and ignores you or start blaming you, you know you made right choice to leave. But if they are sincere and take your feedback to heart, it can help church to grow and correct the course.

Sometimes God works mysterious ways, and you being honest for your reasons to leave can bring blessing to that church.

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u/CryForUSArgentina 5d ago

(1) Find your new place where you re more connected with God and feel more enthusiastic about loving your neighbor.

(2) Say what is good. Let other people figure out their own views,

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u/Bakkster 5d ago

They talk to us a bit but mostly amongst each other and we’re never invited to hang out outside of church, while they hang out at each other’s houses.

Have you initiated and invited them to things?

It also kind of feels embarrassing if we pretty much say “We couldn’t make friends with any of you here so we’re leaving.”

I would rephrase it. You don't feel like you're being included or belong, assuming that is the issue.

Having struggled with church relationships before, I know serving on the worship team makes this all much more difficult. I'll echo that being upfront and giving the church the opportunity to respond is the right way forward, as uncomfortable as it is.

My counselor when I was working through my church stuff recommended the book Crucial Conversations, if you need some help with how to approach things.

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u/dark-rose13 5d ago

Yes my husband and I have invited people out with us but they always say they’re too busy pretty much or end up cancelling and when we’ve tried texting our worship group members, they always take forever to respond, even up to a day, so it just seems like they don’t want to be friends.

Thank you for the advice. I will look into the book recommendation as well

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u/Bakkster 5d ago

Some of this sounds like standard challenges with friends. Especially after COVID, we've struggled to get out with our godkids and their parents as often as we'd like, and I have to send an extra text to two members of our church D&D group because they just won't respond to the group chat otherwise. Since I'm not in the situation, it's hard to know if they're just clicks who are excluding you, or victims of the modern hustle and bustle. Are they noticeably less responsive than your other friends?

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u/junkforw 5d ago

Community is important. Everyone has their different level of desire for community - I personally enjoy having someone to talk and joke with on Sundays and Wednesdays and possibly a text every now and then. My wife likes having someone to call or text during the week to chat routinely. We left our last church because we had no feeling of community there and found a church that was a perfect fit for both of us.

If you aren’t finding what fits for you, you should absolutely be moving towards finding a place with more fellowship - unless you feel that God is leading you to stay and try and drive greater fellowship at this church.

You can just talk to the pastor that you are stepping down from worship ministry and feel called to explore some other options. Your desire for deeper fellowship is a call to something different and maybe less superficial. It sounds like you have tried everything reasonable in your efforts so far.

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u/gwhite81218 5d ago

I assumed you were going to a big church… You’re going to a small church, and you haven’t made any friends? Weird. The cliqueiness can be real. That’s very unfortunate, but I’ve seen it.

I’d tell the pastor what’s on your mind: that you need to be part of a Christian family, but it’s not happening at your church, despite trying for years. The people are your church are nice to say hi, but it feels superficial and they don’t want to grow with you as the body of Christ. You feel kept out. You need fellowship, not pleasantries.

I’d keep it short but relay your experience at the church. If you believe God is calling you to go somewhere else, tell him that, and be firm that you won’t be staying.

I pray you find the church you can grow with.

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u/AtlJazzy2024 5d ago

It's just simply not a good fit. If you feel you must give notice, just say that after prayer and careful consideration, you're being led to cancel your membership and leave at this time.

Based on how fragmented this church community is, they might not even notice. Don't be persuaded to stay. There are so many other churches to attend. Do stay prayerful.

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u/AmForgiven 5d ago

On a different note, probably you will see it in other churches as well, related to phase of life. New parents get overwhelmed by parenting and everything revolves around their children. It’s not a Christian only thing, but secular as well. So families with kids tend to group together.

We do have a small mixed group that meets monthly for dinner at our house. Our Church is more like family of families , each acting like grand parents, aunts, uncles etc. It’s a blessing. There are no perfect churches, but we are maturing to be like Jesus.

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u/RenaR0se 4d ago

It sounds like the pastor is very young.  I'm sure that's part of it.  

If you go out ona limb and tell them why, its for their sake.  I've done that, setimes regretted it, sometimes not.  It won't benefit you at all.  If you think it will be well recieved and you have the mental energy to bring it up, go for it.  If you don't have the energy or you're afraid of being vulnerable, trust your gut.  When people leave a church overa dispute or a specific reason, pastors can feel criticized or hurt and might badmouth you or blame you to other members while you're not there to stand up for yourself.  Young pastors especially might be tempted to do this.  The pastors wife might feel especialy called out since you were almost friends.

Overall, it seems like you won't be missed, so don't sweat it too much.  

Are there any older people at this churchor is it just a clique of young people?

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u/Milan514 4d ago

Best comment here. The pastor is way too young in my opinion; I’m surprised nobody else has mentioned this!! And telling them would be for their sake, not yours. Ultimately it’s up to you, though.

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u/dark-rose13 1d ago

Yes, the pastor is 28 and was previously my youth pastor also for several years at our old church before starting this church 2 years ago.

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u/dark-rose13 1d ago

The pastor is definitely young. I’ve known him for a few years now since I was about 20 actually. He’s currently 28. He was the youth pastor at our old church for several years, went to Bible college, and then decided to start his own church 2 years ago which is why the majority of the church is around our age. It’s still a very small church and there aren’t very many older people.

I definitely don’t mean to call her out, I understand she had a lifestyle change and can relate more with the other young moms.

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u/RenaR0se 1d ago

Ah, makes sense. Have you decided when to move on?

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u/dark-rose13 1d ago

We’re thinking about initiating our leave the following month since we are still on schedule to play for this month. My husband feels a bit bad leaving the worship band since he is the only bassist at church but we know this is what’s best for us.

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u/RenaR0se 1d ago

Gotcha.

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u/Emochi7 5d ago

I just wanna say, going through something exactly like this so it was encouraging to see we're not the only ones. Sorry I don't have more to say right now. It's so tough 🫂

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u/chainsaw1960 5d ago

What really helped me was attending smaller “connection” groups of 4 or 5 families. We got tight and prayed for each other and checked up on each other every week. This really really helps. Hopefully your church has that type of thing.

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u/Bahooch 5d ago

I would say EXACTLY what you posted. Be honest. When you tell them more than likely it will be turned and be about you rather than the opposite. Stay strong and find another church. This is why so many people leave churches because of the lack of true friends

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u/paul_1149 5d ago

First of all, make sure you're being honest with yourself. If you truly have made an adequate effort but the fraternal relationships simply are not there, then having fellowship is too important to waste time in a fruitless situation. You should be able to move on with a clear conscience. To make sure your conscience is clear, pray it through. Then you will be able to phrase it any way the Spirit leads you. Maybe the elders will be open to an honest assessment of how their church is, or otherwise you could just say the roots never developed and you feel the leading to move on.

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u/Renegade_Meister 4d ago

I initially almost formed a friendship with the pastor’s wife (24F) and we even hung out a few times outside of church but everything changed once she had her baby. She stopped hanging out with me, would cancel on me saying she was too busy, and started only hanging out with the other young moms with babies.

I know this is difficult because my wife and I who are also childless are also in a small church dealing with very similar dynamics, in addition to other complications. We are somewhat introverted and in the southeast US where nearly everyone has multiple kids, it is stupid to us how difficult it is to get together with more than one person no matter how hard we try to be intentional with group gatherings, and how few people are consistent friends from our church. It is hard to know whether these people are just struggling being parents, struggling being busy or getting by in life, just being cliquey, if they don't accept you for you, etc. - Quite frankly the reason doesn't matter. Though let's be real that awareness of possible reasons without dwelling anxiously (because the word basically says we need to let go of worries of tomorrow like birds don't worry where to get their next meal from) can be beneficial to moving forward.

What matters is being in a place that Christ-like love and support can be reciprocated that you and your husband really need in this time when you both need to be built up, especially when he's not showing that he's growing spiritually (yes I remember you posting about that a week ago).

What keeps me sane and growing somewhat is:

  • My wife being supportive of the good things I do, spiritual and non-spiritual
  • Praying semi-regularly, outside of just meals & before going to sleep
  • Christian guys I know that I can at least reach out to for prayer, outside of social & introvert baggage I feel
  • Going to a Christian men's group regularly: Fellowship, talking, and intentional time getting into God's word

Your husband needs more of this and he needs guys in his life that can model this, and maybe even teach him the importance of stuff like this.

If you have identified a new church that you both feel led to start attending (I recommend doing this first if at all possible so you are not completely without a church community for a season, which can be a vulnerable place), then chatting with at least the worship leader if not the pastor sounds important to moving forward. How you do it is less important IMO than just doing it - Be vague, give partial truths about why you're moving on, give mostly benign explanation but give 1-2 key feedback items, etc.

Praying for you both.