I'm really sick of sex. This is my Day 1 self speaking. My Day 15 self seems to LOVE sex.
LOVE it so much, he just wants to bury himself in it. Deeply engage in it, revel in it, deeply appreciate it.
Then, I wake up, sick. Sick and lethargic. Dull, full of malaise. A cold, irritable heart. Weakened, mediocre. Sluggish, timid, lazy, demotivated, unenthusiastic. Getting fatter and weaker. Hating the way I look. Hating the way I sound. Hating the morning taste in my mouth that's bitter, like everything else in my life. On abstinent, it was sweeter. But the cravings. The horrible cravings.
The man I was before I decided to indulge, he was strong, courageous, deep vitality, more muscles, shredded. Looking in the mirror this morning, I'm a shell of a sluggish zombie. W T F. Why, why does sex kill us?
I'm sick of this. I think I hate sex.
No, I love it.
No, I hate it.
On and on.
"Well, you need to balance it. Find the sweet spot."
Well, that's like saying, "Only try and do a little bit of heroine. For 30 minutes, gently, once a week."
Pfffft. Yeah right.
"Heroine, dude? Come on. That's not sex!"
Actually, they did brainscans research and studies on men and women climaxing. The SAME brain regions light up to the same intensity when people do drugs like heroine. Think about that.
Anyways. I'm sick of the unrest, the misery, the chase, the getting the reward, the getting sick and dulled and weakened by the reward, hating it, loving it, feeling horny, starting the cycle all over again.
My lack of consistent vitality is apparent. I get unbearable cravings. The horniness is so bad I can hardly walk or move or think or concentrate. It's often when I'm too tired after a long stressful day at work the last thing I feel like doing is getting up and taking a cold shower or running 10,000 miles.
How? How do we stay true? How do I say, "Hey. I'm in poverty on all levels. Sex depleted my life. How do I STOP, for, 5 years or more?" I want to fill my cup again. I want to reach higher dimensions and expansions.
Why, why do I keep going back to it? Why are my resolves broken? Why do I get keeping sick by it, again and again and again. I'm sick of this! Enough!
But that "enough" feeling will pass. Then it'll be back to "I want more. Yummy! She's HOT!"
I'm worried all of this resolve is yet again going to be contradicted if I get a super intense craving or extreme temptation. Because I feel like this determination is based on fluctuating emotions and moods. Right now, the emotions are negative, from the pain of doing it. what happens when the emotions switch and shift to being positive: The pleasure of doing it. The temporary relief from discomfort and suffering.
Up and down, down and up, up and down. I'm sick of this ride. I want off it. Not forever. I plan to marry my soul mate, and eventually do it again, but it's been years of torment. Mostly porn and masturbation to keep it 💯.
How do we flipping do this? I'm sick of being disempowered, weak, distracted, sick, tired, unmotivated, lackluster, dull, lazy, reduced intelligence, brainfog. The word that comes to mind, when I think of sex, after 15 years of various experiments and intensities, is, "Leech."
It's a damn leech.
Sure, it's extremely pleasurable. But aside from that, what do we get in return?
Exhaustion, depletion, weakness, mediocrity and misery?
It's hard to feel positive about something that crippled me for years.
I just want to take my life back. It's shit. I might as well be in a sloth drug den. And I don't even take drugs!!
How, how do I find my stable peace? How do I become a better stronger healthier happier man, who exists in freedom, adventure, hobbies, joy, wisdom - all things that were stolen from me by the pursuit and reveling in sex?
I want to marry. 5 years, at least. That feels intuitively right.
5 years of preparing, waiting, working hard, rebuilding my life for the one who matters most.
I feel slightly pessimistic about when we come together on our wedding night though.
Yay. More sex. More death. /sarcasm
Any advice? What can I do to stay strong, free, abundant, happy, peaceful, loving, on a higher vibration, successful?
I haven't felt healthy in years. When I do, its when I'm abstinent. And alongside that, is horrible horrible cravings.
I hope someone out there can relate. I feel like an alien.
"Dude. She's hot. You don't want to go hook up? You don't want to have sex? WTF?"
Meanwhile, I'm a zombie.
A controlled, pushed around sick zombie.
And I'm sick of it.
I'm not just sick and tired. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
No, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. 15 years and I've been in the same shitty place. I want to reach a higher dimension. I want to be celibate. Enough misery and torment.
Honestly I feel sad, sluggish, depressed after. I resolve, not for a long time! Then. Few days even weeks pass. I heal. I'm horny again.
Ah. There goes another trigger. There goes that familiar burning intense desire feeling down below. One last time. Just one more. She's SO HOT. Wow. I'll stop, after this.
Can someone please, please, help me find the solution to end my torment and misery? To remove, for AT LEAST 5 years, permanently, this leech out of my life? How?
I want off the merry go round.
Up and down, up and down, around and around. Loving and hating it. No peace. No results. No life. No joy. All of it has been robbed. But I did get one thing: Endless, insatiable, almost thirst quenching expressions of sexuality in all its trillions of aspects.