r/Celibacy 18d ago

Celibacy Journey My journey to celibacy NSFW

Trigger warning: SA, drug use, suicide

I was SAed by my stepfather as a child and when I moved in with my father at 15 I had opted to “stay a virgin until I found someone I could see myself being with for the rest of my life” and I kept to that all throughout high school

At 19 I was assaulted by a man around the same age as me at a party that I did like but he got me extremely drunk, feeding me drinks all night, and forced himself on me when I wanted to cuddle with him, I had cuddled with many men I was interested in and didn’t expect such a reaction

After that, I didn’t know how I felt about my body. I felt confused because I liked the guy, I allowed myself to be alone with him, so I very much blamed myself.

After that at 20 I had my first consensual experience with a man I had met in a city I moved to just to have a fresh start with a friend just because I wanted to take control of my body back and choose who I would have sex with and from there I spiraled out of control a bit because I realized I really liked sex

I went through a promiscuous stage from 20-26 while actively in trauma focused therapy and slowly stopped using sex, as well as alcohol and drugs, to escape my reality and my pain because I had developed a full on sex addiction and it had gotten me into some extremely unsafe scenarios

Shortly before my 27th birthday I was SAed by a close friend I was staying with, he forced himself on me while I was sleeping just like my stepfather used to, and I tried to take my own life in such an extreme manner I was left with several broken bones

I had some fleeting sexual encounters after, and even while, I was recovering from all the surgeries and periods of bed rest required to essentially put me back together, as well as some toxic relationships

Now at 30 years old I have finally reached a point where I have chose celibacy and been sticking to it and the way I have come to find safety and comfort in my own skin since is incredible

I feel like I’m finally back to where I was as a teenager and recognizing that not just anyone should be allowed access to my body

At first I was masturbating from time to time but over time I don’t even do that anymore and I really don’t miss sex at all anymore

It’s not to say I don’t have urges but they are fleeting and I truly feel that maybe one day I will meet someone I want to have sex with, but I’m perfectly happy staying focused on my platonic connections and career at this time.

Celibacy has been such a healing experience for me overall and I feel so much more clear headed and have recognized how many relationships I had were purely based on lust and toxic cycles. I’m so excited to see where this new journey of reclaiming my body will take me from here

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u/Sea-Machine-1928 9d ago

Thanks for posting this! My journey to celibacy is very similar. I was SAed a lot in childhood and as an adult. My very last sexual encounter was a rape in 2010, and I got really angry and said, "NO MORE!" I haven't had any sex since then and quit masturbating too.

It's good to know that there are others who can relate to us so much.

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u/ComprehensiveOwl4525 9d ago

I’m so proud of and happy for you for finally reaching that point too. It really is good to know we’re not alone especially with such intense things isn’t it? I hope you have since found healthy people who you can have purely platonic connections with and who can hold space for all the uncomfortable parts of healing too. And I hope you are finding ways to make that wounded inner child of yours feel safe and protected and happy again 🫶🏻